Published March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 28
9:28 a.m.
Every morning I’m left alone. My only company is our dogs. This morning they started barking like mad, but my mistake was in thinking that no one was there. So I told them to hush and, when that didn’t work, I went to the front window myself.
Then I saw the man.
He came strolling down the road and I thought he’d go on, but he cut through our yard. He was wearing a rusty-red hoodie, jeans, and a ball cap. His hair looked dark, but shadows were thrown on his face. My heart was pounding in my chest as I snuck to the window. When I peered out he was rummaging through our rubbish heap. It looked like he placed something, a white and orange object, behind the broken armchair. What was it? I scurried into the bathroom for a better look, but by that time he’d vanished.
Tuesday, March 28
9:45 a.m.
He’s back. He came down the road like before. Now he’s poking around in the garage. I’m so afraid and the dogs won’t stop barking. My heart’s pounding in my chest. Chester’s sitting on my bed, barking out my window. Daisy’s hiding downstairs, but a shrill bark hits my ears every now and again. A crash just came from the garage. What’s going on? I’m going to get Papa’s baseball bat.
10:12 a.m.
He left. Is he just a neighbor? Maybe Papa told him it was alright to come and borrow something. I’ve tried calling the work number, but no one answers. I think it must be the neighbor – it really does look like Mr. Georges. Then again, I haven’t seen him for a while so I’m not sure.
My nerves keep mounting higher and higher. If he comes back again, I’m calling the police. What was that? It sounds like footsteps on the deck!
10:15 a.m.
Someone was on the deck –- there’re muddy footprints everywhere. But now I don’t know where he went. The metal fence just rattled, I heard the gate creak open. I’m so afraid, oh God, please protect me.
I’m going to call the police.
10: 21
The phone lines have been cut. Does he know I’m in here?
10:30
Still no sign of him. If it is the neighbor, I’ll make sure one day he knows how much grief he’s caused me.
10:35
Footsteps on the deck again. Chester’s sprung off my bed and is barking and growling like mad at the door in the kitchen. Now there’s footsteps on the upper deck. Taking Papa’s baseball bat and going to take a look.
10:38
God, it’s definitely not Mr. Georges! The man has an ax. I screamed when I saw him and ran. Locked myself in my bedroom, huddled on bed. Can’t find cell phone. Chester’s still barking.
Oh, God, the glass just shattered! He’s in the house. Chester stopped barking. What happened? So afraid. Something just broke in kitchen. Floor in hallway is creaking. He’s stopped. My door knob’s rattling. He’s pounding on the door, but can’t get in. Oh God! Door’s open. He’s here. Scared. Oh, please don’t –
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140,254 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Thanks so much everyone for the awesome reviews!
rubberduck:
Ha, uh, oops? I hadn't even realized I'd done that. So my answer to your question is...I have absolutely no idea. I think I'll be taking those out, now, haha. Thanks for catching that!
lilbluejay:
After reading it over again, I can see what you mean. It's kind of disruptive, plus you're right, it doesn't entirely make sense.
BadlyDrawnLightning:
Thank you very much!
sargsauce:
Thank you for pointing this out - and giving examples of what you meant. It really helps. (Besides, you're definitly right and I didn't even think about that. Who would be busy writing that?)
Right again - thanks for catching all of this.
Again - you are right. I would like it to be as suspenseful as possible (without sounding overly dramatic/stupid/unrealistic), so I think I'll take that out.
Well...I kind of have this idea that might make this longer, so if that's the case, then yes, there would be a motive. However, just for this short, um, piece, I suppose it's just a creepy slasher.
Thank you very much for the awesome review! I really appreciate all the tips. I think I'm going to be doing some editing - even if it's just taking a few things out at the moment.
oceanwriter99:
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! (And, trust me, writing isn't something I'm going to be giving up any time soon.
So, once again, thanks for the awesome reviews and helpful feedback everyone! I never thought I could write a horror/suspense piece (generally I stick to light fantasy), so I'm glad this was suscessful. (I'm one that hates horror movies - I even stick away from the horror books - so I'm very surprised that I managed make this somewhat work, haha.) Thanks again and I think I'm going to go edit now.
Cheers!
~Soul
Whoa! Really great, I didn't see to many mistakes or problems. I really like the idea! The end of it was INTENSE! I can also relate to the story and how it feels when someone is outside your house and you don't know what there doing or why they are there. And last probably my most favorite thing is how it almost reminds me of a dream or a nightmare.
Haha great! Keep writing!
Pretty entertaining! The wording is usually pretty good and the suspense is there in your sentence flow.
However, there's a slight hiccup. I like the journal format (have you been reading Dracula or something?), however it lacks some realism.
In Dracula (assuming you've read it), the journal writer actually had time to reflect on the events and sit down to write. He would venture out of his room, have some experience, make it back to his room, sit, and write as a means to piece together his sanity. And then when he goes out for the last time, he only has the ability to write, "I am going to risk my life. If I don't make it, I love you [wife's name]" because he's too busy fearing for his life to sit down and write, "Now I am evading Dracula. Now I am going to jump off a cliff!"
So here, it's too fast-paced to have that believability. The prime example is:
When your door is being busted down, who's busy writing "The axe just bit through the wood"?
The last believable line you had was:
After that, you have the mention of the vase, which is pretty unnecessary. By that point, we're certain it's someone with bad intentions (ax-wielding, broke the window, he's in the house). No time to mention how Mom's going to be angry about a vase.
I think you gave it away a little too early here. There was little reason for the narrator to feel compelled to write this. He was just rummaging through trash and didn't show any hostility.
Motive at all? Or is this just a slasher?
So, it was a short piece. Your pacing and mood was great. If you do anything longer, I'd like to see a little more depth. And some more realism on behalf of the narrator.
Woah- that last bit was damn tense. Lovely short read to- um... give me nightmares.
You're have a great skill for creating tension- short sentences gives a great sense of desperation and fear, keep it up!
Please write something like this, but longer. You could write a damn good thriller!
Wow that was suspensful. I don't think I can fix any grammer. But I think it would be good to explain or to take out the part of you being in the house for three months, I didnt get it. Besides that great job and keep it up!
Didn't find any errors, so I'll just make this a super quick review.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a very gripping read.
Just a question though. What's with the double dates?
It was a good read. Keep writing! (Sorry that I couldn't give you a better review.)