rosethorn

You surely have a way of shaping a story! My immediate question is, will you be continuing this or is this, as you say, the end? Very depressing if so! ...

Here goes: I've ignored much of the language issues, as was requested and focused solely on the plot, characters and pace. You're attempting simplicity and I assume that means to ...

Comprehensable message and it flows rather nicely. There are a few errors as far as spelling goes. But I'll leave those for SpellCheck to catch. Everything makes great sense and ...

Unless it is absolutely necessary for the story, you should name your characters. It is agitating for them to only differ between "young" man and "old" man. Seeing that you ...

Very much forced the rhyming. Grossly forced. If you were to ease the rhyming, you would open so many doors for yourself. There are a million words to choose from ...

You are shaping a very real world here and at a good pace. Nice start. Dialogue is always a nice start. There is a city here. It seems to be ...

It draws a very clear parallel. I like the idea. The idea of "playdough" is actually great. Because this is a serious idea but it's also comical because it's playdough. ...

This is incredibly creative and intriguing! :D I love the "teenage lingo". I can't even say that you shove all this future stuff in our faces because that's really what ...

Only a tiny sliver of whitened silver hung delicately from the sky, drifting above the orange aura that seeped through the city. This isn't a correction really, but just something ...

It's very nice to begin a story with action, as you have done. But the first paragraph is dragging. Condense it. To the point and on with the story, if ...

Some cool suspense here, though the beginning is unclear. I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a ...

Gorgeous lines and flow. I can sense the message is strong but it's full of holes and somewhat unclear. There isn't much revealing the thoughts you are trying to bring ...

First of all, let me comment on this: What's up with your formatting? The way you wrote this out might be excusable in poetry.. Might. But for non-fiction? No. What ...

This definetly sparks something but it doesn't hit strong enough because the rhyming is so incredibly forced. You've got the right focus as far as the message goes but you're ...

I liked the idea. I liked the length of the piece. However: Tiny white knuckles, gentle baby's knees . What exactly are "gentle baby's knees"? I didn't much like that ...