randy

Yar, I agree with Firestarter. You need to build upon this. "Bitterness Is done for In the salty sea Of sugary Delight" Seems like an oxymoron, I guess? Salty sea ...

It's repetitive. Sometimes that works, but it's not often. I really don't see it working here. What I think you should do is have three four-line stanzas, each one starting ...

I can tell for sure that this is a rough draft. Overall, it's pretty good. However, you could change around the wording in a few places to make it flow ...

Great poem! I too know how fun it is to grow up in the suburban paradise. There a couple things that could be changed to make it flow better. Here: ...

I agree with the previous posts. I like the idea, but you don't present the idea very well. Before I start, I want to say I know it's hard to ...

Excellent story! Wow, these kids have it rough, huh? I agree with Nate that you should change it to the third person. "We are used to this lack of privacy." ...

*"the river flowing along with the ship" Saying "the ship flowing along with the river" might work a little better. *"The shadows shifted, though could barely be seen save by ...

You've got some excellent description here. However, you put way too many names and places and history whatnot right at the start. I'm horribly confused, and have absolutely no idea ...

This is a pretty good story with a lot of room for improvement. There are a few grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixed. You should consider adding more "flare" ...

This was posted a while ago, I know, but the title caught my eye. You really setup the detail well. "As it aged, technology and logic growing in the minds ...