mikedb1492

“Yes,” Kristine said and gulped air. I don't like this. Before now you were making her seam like a calm, collected, intellectual being, but when you say 'gulped' I naturally ...

First off, much better than your previous version. I liked the descriptions and especially enjoyed how you dealt with making the escape more suspenseful. Now lets get started. “Haha, yes.” ...

“Who said he was?” the girl sitting opposite me spoke. Say 'opposite of me spoke'. her voice was flinty. Flinty? Never heard that one before. What's it mean? And also, ...

If it is guilt that brings the truth to light, and guilt that bring the heart to hope, then so be it, i am guilty." It's supposed to end as ...

He paced along beside his bookshelf, letting his eyes wander over the shelves of books, I'd get rid of 'along' and 'shelves of'. It works better. Other than that, this ...

You didn't really give us much to critique and periwinkle pretty much said it all. All I can say is that you need to describe that dream more since all ...

I liked this, but like the others said, the ending wasn't great. When you're writing, you want the reader to indulge in the world you're creating with your words, but ...

This was really good and sad. You're grammar is a little off, and like the others said, you should definitely read over your work before you submit it. It must ...

Well I know for a fact that you dear sister, will not to be attending that formal tea of grandmothers. Put a comma after 'you'. Would you pull them a ...

Nice. This was pretty funny even though it was a little gross. The only bad thing I have to say, which isn't bad at all, is that I'm not sure ...

The fat on her legs was gone. The fat on her legs were gone. she could melt and melt and melt and melt and melt and melt and the sheets ...

My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. Put a comma after ...

Dusk had long settled on the city of Lalthan, where men had been killing these Jackals for two days past. Get rid of the word 'these'. It just sounds better. ...

The mansion in which Carrie lived was out of sight here, despite how big it was. Get rid of the word 'here' to increase the fluidity. She was four years ...

Wow. That was pretty friggin sweet. You've got a great start to a story here and I can't wait to read more. All I can tell you as a tip ...