hershey

That was really really really really good, but I must agree with KookieKate and note that you didn't really keep the third stanza like the others. The first and second ...

I saw a few punctuation mistakes. But other than that, just fine. I think this could be a great prologue or first chapter to a story. I really liked it, ...

It has the potential to be a great story, but I have some things you might want to consider to change. It was confusing. I had to go back and ...

I am proud to be the first person to review your awesome story. Down to business. It's very good; there was description, it flowed well, blah, blah, blah. However, me ...

I think it's good, but it could be a lot better. 1. Commas are your friend. If you're going to have a long sentence, break it up with commas. Or ...

That was SO well, written, it was as if J.K. Rowling had written an epilogue to the seventh book. It sounded exactly like George and what he would say and ...

I agree, it needs to be much longer. Good so far, but- It's SUSPICIOUS, not SUSPESIOUS. The sentence beginning with "I KEPT MY GIFT TO MYSELF..." is a little long. ...

A very good story, and all I think you need to do is slow it down a little, describe more of the emotions and what's happening around the character. And ...

It's good, but it has a long way to go. 1) The sentence starting with "In the background you could her screams..." could be cut into probably ten smaller sentences. ...