Italian Necklace

Hello! I loved your story. I thought it was excellent; I felt as if i was there on the boat to America. But, i think that the characters need more depth to them such as, 'what they like to eat or 'there job, style of clothing. If they are wild or proper.' Things of that sort, so we all can feel as if we have been friends for ever. Other than that, great job.

The spacing has to be this way)

( The spacing on microsoft word, when copied and pasted here, makes the spacing all weird, sorry!)


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A necklace is all that I can remember…


“Hurry junanzo, we must hurry,” Ciela said


“Mama, where are we going,” junanzo cried “Where are we going?”


“Away,” was her only response.


She practically dragged her son down the pier as they rushed to get aboard the ship to America. Her


heart sped as the ship’s horn bellowed in the distance. At this, she grabbed her son into her arms with


her sweaty palms grasping his sides, her feet moving faster.


Junanzo buried his face into his mother’s neck with worry and confusion. He wore ratty clothing and had


a smudge of dirt plastered across his cheek. His mother was no better dressed than he and she too


could have used a bath.


Ciela reached the ramp nearly out of breath, she was about to ascend it but a policeman blocked her. He was nicely dressed in his uniform and had his Stella, which means badge in ItalianI think this is perhaps too informal, maybe you should just have it as a footnote :S ?

I liked it, I liked the style too. Very well done

Is good, just keep working on it. Is there a particular quirk that your character has. Do they despise marmalade, love cheese? (Excuse the cheesy line ) Tell us So far, you're going in the right direction, and for a short story they are well developed. They interact well with each other.

Impeccable. About two nitpicks and that was it

This, happens to be your strong point. The dialogue was great, the way the characters interacted with each other was realistic and interesting. Well done .

Awrite! Get an editor, okay...?!
Otherwise, best thing I've read this time in YWS till now.(I'm visiting again after 2 years, i think...heh heh)
Style is simple. Story is good. And the moment at the docks is poignant...very very elegant. I'll not suggest any lengthening or shortening. A perfect short figment of fiction(or as you say, non-fiction).

Yes there were quite a few mistakes, but I believe that most of them were already spotted. However there was one mistake that I found very distracting.

Quote: “Keep this with you, okay?” she painfully said between weeps.

This mistake is very similar to a split infinitive, and is quite common. A split infinitive is when you put an adverb between the to and the base form of a verb. For example, "To slowly eat" is a split infinitive. This should be changed to "To eat slowly."
While "she painfully said" is not entirely a split infinitive, it is very close and it sounds rather odd to the reader. I suggest changing it to "She said painfully between weeps."

Other than this mistake and a few others, I found this story very interesting and after some editing I would love to read it again. Add some more details and it will be great!

I saw a few punctuation mistakes. But other than that, just fine.
I think this could be a great prologue or first chapter to a story.
I really liked it, but you need to describe a little bit more. Describe the people and surroundings; lengthen it a bit.
Good story.
Hershey

I agree, your grammar's horrible *giggles* but it looks like its already been pointed out. I think its a great story for your history class though. I wish I had an assignment like that... If you're writing this in high school I am jealous I wish I had that to do. I have to write a bboring essy. I have to do it sometime before Thursday... hmmm....
Anyways great writing and keep up the good work!

Hi Jon. Sorry it took me so long--I was banished off the computer.

A necklace is all that I can remember………

“Hurry junanzo, we must hurry.”

Ciela said

“Mama, where are we going?” junanzo cried “where are we going?”

“Away” was her only response.

“There’s no room, you’ll have to stay here” was his cold response

“Please, I…” she tried to say

“now off with ya’”

“Please, there must be some way” She cried

“I said go!” He yelled, another horn blew in the distance.

“Pull er’ up” one of the workers yelled from the high ship.

Tears welled in her eyes and she said “ junanzo, my son, be brave and maybe one day we’ll meet again”

“Oh my son, you must go, Mama will be coming later”

“You promise mama, you promise?” his innocent voice squealed

Her lip quivered, she bit down on it and said “yes my son”

At that she couldn’t hold it in, she bent down and embraced him, crying into his shoulders.

Keep this with you, o.k.?” she painfully said between weeps

“O.k. mama, I will.” He said, wondering why she was crying.

“I love you too mama”

The officer looked at the mother, tears starting to form in his own eyes this time.

“thank you, thank you” she cried

The officer showed Ciela and junanzo their anything but comfortable living quarters and left.

“Mama, it’s too small in here” he whined

Junanzo favorite place on the ship was the front, sometimes without permission,

However some adult would spot him and turn him in to his mother,

Ciela and junanzo looked at the statue of liberty from afar

After many months of hard work and determination, Ciela, got a job and rented an apartment for her and juanazo.

A few years later junanzo got a job and a few more after that he moved out, while meeting the love of his life, Joan.

Their children grew up, Ciela died of course, and they had their own children of their own.

……… and that’s the story my son, that necklace holds more history and pain than you’ll ever know.

A necklace is all that I can remember……… [Just use three dots for an eclipse. And I’m not sure about this introduction. It seems too fragmented and just a touch over-dramatic. In fact, after having skimmed through, you should start with a re-vamped version of your ending. Something like ‘Jon was just ten when he discovered the box, caked with dust, the rusty hinge that groaned as he tipped back the lid. And inside, inside was something very important…’ You could add a little more description and action than that but make sure it’s a reasonably visual introduction.]

“Hurry junanzo, we must hurry.” [You need a comma after hurry rather than a full stop.] Ciela said

“Mama, where are we going?” junanzo cried [Comma here and always start speech with a capital, even if it‘s half way through the sentence.] “where are we going?”

“Away [Comma here.]” was her only response.

By the hand she dragged her son down the long, wooden pier, a big horn bellowed from a boat as they reached a ramp. She picked her son up into her tired arms and started to ascend the bridge way when an Italian police officer stopped her. [Hmm. You need to build a stronger atmosphere here. Consider the sense touch more. For example, describe how their palms are sweaty or how she holds his hand so hard he’s hurting her but he’s so scared that he barely feels it and he holds her hand hard back. Think about the sound of their feet scraping across the deck, how the rhythm slips as he tires and almost stumbles but she strains to lift him. Think of the smell of his hair and the feel of his body trembling against her. The fear/ anguish when the officer stops them. You have to really place your reader in your character’s shoes.]

“Please, let us through, we need to get to America.” [Comma instead of full stop.] Ciela managed to say between breaths.

“There’s no room, you’ll have to stay here [Comma here.]” was his cold response [Full stop here.]

“Please, I…” she tried to say [Full stop here and tag in some description. Does she start to cry or does she grab at his arm?]

“I said NO!” [Don’t use full caps. Seriously. If you want to look professional, only ever use that technique in exceptional circumstances.] The officer shouted “now [Capital for now.] off with ya’ [Full stop here.]”

“Please, there must be some way [Comma here.]” She [Small letter for she.] cried [Full stop here.]

The officer pulled out a wide, medium sized stick and raised it in the air in a threatening manner. [Well no duh, how else would this guy raise his wide, medium length stick? I think you can find better description than that. Maybe use a simile or describe it with detail: are their chips or scratches on its surface?]

“I said go!” He [Small letter for he.] yelled[s],[/s] as another horn blew in the distance. [Describe how this strikes fear in Ciela’s heart, how it causes her to hold the boy closer to her, trying to shield him from that sound of doom, of defeat.]

“Pull er’ up [Comma here.]” one of the workers yelled from the high ship. [This could be a more interesting tag. You’ve no need to tell us it’s a worker but rather concentrate on where he is and the sound of his voice. Yopu want to put your reader in Ciela’s position and she can’[t see who/ what he is. She can hear his voice and it’s direction.]

The officer looked [s]at[/s] toward the ship worker’s position and then to the lady in front of him, dressed in rags. [Expand this description. Are her eyes teary? Is she wearing a hat that’s currently askew? Is her skin the colour of caramel? And what about the boy clutched to her breast? Show us how he sees them.]

“Look, orders are orders lady, there isn’t enough room on the ship.” [Comma instead of full stop and small letter for he.] He said, [s]more care in his words[/s] his voice a little softer, almost regretful[/color].

“If you can’t take me then take my son, I want a better life for him.” [Comma rather than full stop and I think you should take another look at your dialogue. At the moment, this is a little stereotypical. It’s not the most unique of scenes so you have to show us, through her words, what’s unique about Ciela and why the reader should care about her.] Ciela said, not realizing that she would never see him again, [Start a new sentence here.] she [s]put him on the[/s] set her son’s feet on the ground.

Tears welled in her eyes and she said “ junanzo, [There should be no space after the speech mark, a comma after said and a capital for Junanzo.] my son, be brave and maybe one day we’ll meet again [Full stop here.]”

“Mama, come with me, come with me.” [Comma instead of full stop and small h for he.] He begged, “Don’t leave me.”

“Oh my son, you must go, Mama will be coming later [Comma here.]” she lied, barely keeping herself together. [This is telling. Tut tut. Does she bite her lip? Is she trembling, trying not to cry or is she crying? Also, take another look at your dialogue again.]

“You promise mama, you promise?” his innocent voice squealed

Her lip quivered, she bit down on it and said [Comma here.] “yes [Capital for yes.] my son[Full stop here.]”

At that she couldn’t hold it in, she bent down and embraced him, crying into his shoulders. She took one last smell of his clothing [And what does it smell of? Also, you‘ve forgotten your other character? Has he even agreed to all of this yet? No! So where is he telling her he can‘t or at least thinking about it, nervously watching this display of affection?] and stood up, taking a silver cross necklace from her neck and draping it over his.

“Keep this with you, [s]o.k.[/s] okay?” she painfully said between weeps [Full stop here and I don’t think weeps is the right word.]

“[s]O.k.[/s] Okay mama, I will.” [Comma instead of full stop and small letter for he.] He said, wondering why she was crying.

“I love you.” [Comma instead of full stop.] she said [Full stop here.]

“I love you too mama [Full stop here.]”

“I said Pull [Why have you used a capital for pull? Small letter.] er’ up!” the same[s] worker[/s] voice shouted.

The officer looked at the mother, tears starting to form in his own eyes [s]this time[/s].

Ciela’s eyes filled [Try to think of another word instead of filled so it isn’t repetitive.] with panic and pain as she looked at the officer and her son.

She let her son go as the officer said [Comma here.] “Wait, there is a way.”

Her eyes widened with happiness, “thank [Capital for thank.] you, thank you [Comma here.]” she cried [Full stop here.]

She lifted her son into her arms once more and she ascended the ramp with the officer. Once on [the ship, the worker who was fussing over the ramp cranked it up, looking at them in frustration. [Add description here of just how packed it is and how the other passengers frown at her. You have to justify that huge scene and his resolve to not let her on.]

Thick steam rolled from the big stack above them as the dark water below started to churn. The officer showed Ciela and junanzo their anything but comfortable living quarters and left. [If there’s space for them to actually have quarters there really was too much of a fuss earlier. They should have a spot on the deck with rop to tie them to the sides in case of high storm and be lucky to have that.]

“Mama, it’s too small in here [Comma here.]” he whined [Full stop here.]

“I know baby, but when we get to America [Comma here.] land is more plentiful, the air is fresher, and you’ll have freedom.” Ciela tried to comfort him [Full stop here and does she lay a hand on his shoulder or hug him to her?] “In America there’s more space then you’ll ever need.”

“Really?” he squealed , [No space before that comma.] his eyes glowing with interest [Full stop here and maybe slip in some physical description of the boy.]

“Yes.” [Comma instead of full stop and small letter for she.] She laughed, “Everything in America is perfecto.”

Over the long, long voyage to America, Ciela told her son stories of the great adventures she had as a kid. She told them over the light of an old, dirty oil lamp at the front of the ship as they listened to the waves crash [s]on[/s] against the sides. When she told her stories his eyes would grow and illuminate with the shocking details she divulged.

Junanzo’s favorite place on the ship was the front, [Semi colon here instead of comma.] sometimes without permission, he would sneak there at night and look at the stars and the water. He would stick his hands over the side and feel the little mist speckles breeze upon [s]hand[/s] them. However some adult would spot him and turn him in to his mother, who by that time they knew and loved.

His mother would punish him and tell him to never do it again, that it was dangerous, but he never seemed to listen to her because he liked it too much.

A few weeks turned into a month and then a month and a half, finally though, they arrived. Ciela and junanzo [Capital for Junanzo.] looked at the statue of liberty from afar and she told him of what it meant, what it symbolized, [Colon instead of comma here.] freedom.

After many months of hard work and determination, Ciela, got a job and rented an apartment for her and juanazo. [Capital for Junanzo.] A few years later junanzo [Capital for Junanzo.] got a job and a few more after that he moved out, while meeting the love of his life, Joan.

They were married for many years while having sixteen children; however they undoubtedly [This is the wrong choice of word. Maybe ultimately?] went their separate ways.

Their children grew up, Ciela died of course, and they had [s]their
Own [/s] children of their own.

[s]One day Jon, the ten year old boy, found a box among storage and inside was an ivory bible. He opened it and a silver cross necklace fell out onto the ground. He took it to his mother and she told him the story of how that necklace was over a hundred years old, of how it came to America.

……… and that’s the story my son, that necklace holds more history and pain than you’ll ever know.[/s] [And you need to think of a different ending I think. Perhaps something like ‘And so Jon came to see that tiny, silver necklace squirm out across the carpet and wondered at the history that it held.’]