aszecsei

Loved it! Although there should be a period at the end of "Thanks . " Really loved how you interwove the two characters so that you weren't too jumpy when ...

Well, it helps a fantasy story to be (somewhat) grounded in reality. Otherwise, you just read it and it's like "Okay, that would never happen." If it is grounded in ...

What if an alarm went off when we opened it or it might just be locked somehow. This should be a question! As mikedb1492 said, there are several things that ...

Hi! I liked the overall story, just a few errors I found: The man pressed the scanner to the cards quickly, eyeing the girls’ greedily the entire time. That should ...

Same thing as mtempleton. i thought you could have made Fred's death speech a bit less corny. it reminds me of movies where you're so embarrassed to watch that you ...

I think that the idea is really good, and a very original idea as far as the newspaper format goes. However, I think that the newspaper should sound a little ...

This is really good. You captured a dark mood very well, and built up suspence to just the right level. Although the beginning part could use some work as far ...

this is really hard to read. Not like you used too many big words or anything, but it's just too overwhelming. it takes so long to read one paragraph that ...

Cold fear pain. These were all the feelings that rushed through my body as I crashed head first into the sea of daggers. The icy water filled my lungs, as ...

Although it had good spelling, etc., it really didn't capture my interest and attention. Maybe if you made it more actiony, it would be better. Also, Bessie seemed like a ...