Published September 2, 2008
Chapter 1 - Goodbyes
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As Harry, Ron and Hermione left the headmaster’s office they realised that the war wasn’t totally over. So many lives were lost, Remus, Tonks, Fred, Colin Creevy and many others. Their lives would never be the same again... no one’s lives would ever be the same again. They had suffered such heavy losses that it would take years to recover maybe never...
“Let’s go back to the Great Hall,” said Hermione. “See what else has happened and – and say goodbye.”
Harry and Ron didn’t have to ask what she was talking about. She wanted to say goodbye to everyone who had died for them.
They slowly walked back to the Great Hall not saying a word to each other. When they got there they saw everyone standing or sitting around in little groups holding each other as they cried. Everyone looked battle scarred. Professor McGonagall had a scratch down her cheek and her robes were slightly smoking and everyone else was the same or worse. Mrs Weasley was crying beside Fred’s body. Harry adverted his eyes from the line of the fallen and concentrated on Ginny. She was standing on her own. She didn’t have her beautiful smile on her face but when she saw Harry she gave a smile sad smile and came over to him.
“Harry?” she asked looking at him.
Harry didn’t know what to say to her at that point. He looked into her shining eyes and hugged her. He was glad when she returned the pressure. They didn’t say anything but Harry thought maybe this hug was enough, maybe they had their entire future ahead of them together to talk. If she still wanted him of course but now wasn’t the moment. They had to concentrate on getting the world back to normal and discuss their future and Fred...
Suddenly Kingsley’s voice broke out across the Great Hall making them jump. As they broke apart Kingsley begin to speak in his slow deep voice, “The war is over but this isn’t the end. Everyone may be safe but we need to round up all of the Death Eaters and free the innocent. Use this time to say goodbye to your decreased. Any wises or ideas for the future please come and see me?”
“You should be Prime Minister Kingsley!” called out a voice. Harry smiled “yes” he said but only loud enough for Ginny to hear.
Percy came over to them now, “Thank you and well done Harry,” he said shaking Harry’s hand. He then turned and hugged Ginny. Harry sensing this was a good to leave went over to Colin Creevy’s body.
“Poor stupid boy,” he whispered to himself. “Although you were underage you still fought for me and died for me. Thank you Colin. I will never for your forget you or your camera.”
He moved on he saw more bodies next to Colin young and old, some he knew, some he didn’t. He felt tears begin at his eyes but fought them away. He felt so guilty that they had died to save and protect him. Him. Harry Potter. He then came across two bodies he knew very well, Remus and Tonks. And they had just had a son! He bit his lip to stop himself from trembling.
“I will look after Teddy for you,” he said out loud. “I’m his godfather and I will be a godfather. His grandmother will want to look after him I expect but I will look out for him. Just like you looked out for me Remus.” And as Harry said it he meant it, he couldn’t let Teddy Remus Lupin go without family. He has lost both of his parents like he Harry had done when he was only a baby and he will make sure Teddy knew he was loved. Loved by his mum, his dad, him and his grandma and his granddad. His poor grandmother had lost so much, her husband, daughter, son-in-law and only Narcissa her sister remained although they were hardly on speaking terms. She needed Teddy as much as he needed her.
“Remus,” Harry started again. “You are so brave. A werewolf since you were a small boy, never been able to find a job because of what you are and losing everyone who ever cared about you. When the first war ended you lost my dad, Peter (apparently) and Sirus was in jail for killing and betraying the two, I cannot imagine how you must have felt but you got Sirus back and Peter (as if that’s a good thing) and friends and when things were looking good you got married had a kid and then you die but you brought some good into the world. You were a good man and that’s how I will ever see you as but at least you’re with the ones who you ever cared about and who cared about you. And Tonks, so young, so brilliant. You got the man of your dreams. You looked over his faults and I cannot think of anything better than to marry someone of who they are and you have a beautiful baby boy. This is how I would have wanted to go, died fighting for something good in the world. At least you are with your father and Remus now and I WILL become an Auror and hope to follow the path you would have taken.” He smiled sadly to himself. That was it that’s all he wanted to say to them. The things he should had told them in person he thought to himself with tears in his eyes now.
Harry turned away and approached Fred’s body. Mrs Weasley was with her sons and daughter now. Harry looked at his freckled face and that laugh he had on it. His last laugh. “At least you died laughing Fred,” Harry said. “You died doing what you do best. Your whole family misses you, you know. Your mother’s boggart took your shape once. Dead you were but I promise you Fred you did not die in vain. The world will be a better place now with Lord Voldermort dead. I cannot imagine the pain George is having. You are his other half but you have left your mark in ‘Weasleys Wizard Wheezes’ and,” Harry sighed. He didn’t know what else to say. He knelt down to Fred and said, “Thank you. Thank you for everything.”
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I tried to get it moving but i'm not sure if i've managed that. I wrote it ages ago and was wondering how I can improve on it.
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I'm sorry but I did not like it that much.
This is the end of a book really, and you are not really showing how Harry feels, just restating the peoples' history and his known feelings. There needs to be more raw emotion, he is surrounded by death of friends, and he seems to just be talking to them like they are almost dead, or just severely injured and knocked out.
I just wasn't feeling the emotion in this, needed to be more raw, more Harry.
This is very out of line for Harry's character. He wouldn't have done that. I think it's well written, but that's pretty much it. All the speaches and things, that's really not Harry's style. And he would never've said Colin was stupid. He wouldn't say his resolve out loud, he wouldn't be out of things to say, and he most certainly would never have adressed Tom Riddle as Lord Voldemort. You know he wouldn't give him the honor. It was within the writting style of Harry Potter, but so much out of his character. And besides, Harry was nearly dead, people would really.... I don't know how to explain. Mrs. Wiesly should be hugging him to death right about then, and Percy should be mourning his brother, Ron too, and Ron and Hermaiony shoul've kissed and this is really all wrong if you think about it from a human prospective, not a writer's prospective. If you were there, what would you have done? Forget about writting it, write like you were there. You're not describing the pain right, in my opinion. It was well written, that's all I could say.
Good stuff, but I think you could study Rowling's writing style a little better. It'd be more interesting of you tried to think more about the voices the characters already have, and not the voices you think they should have.
You're very fluffy. Trim it back. We need both character AND plot to keep us reading.
I liked it. There are a few things you could work on though.
1. There are many missed commas. Well, punctuation in general.
2. I think you stated the character's emotions too boldly a few times. The reader should be able to feel the vibe without you stating that they are sad, angry, lost, etc.
3. There were a few run-on sentences. You should cut them up into a couple of different sentences in order to make it a bit more understandable, you know?
Other than that, it was enjoyable. There were a few extremely cheesy parts. If you could be a bit more empathetic it would be more believable.
This is very good, you can feel the emotions in the air, how everybody was lost not knowing quite what to do at this point. But it all seems so predictable and really cheesy
This is really good, but I agree with previous comments, its a little too much. Definitely sad, but not even approaching melodramatic. This could turn out really good if you worked on it. I'd like to see you focus on Fred more, because he was a main character in the book.
Review-----
Everything I put a strike through means I don't think it was nescsary.
Most of the things Harry is saying out loud is out of character. It would be more like him to say these things inside his head, not out loud for everyone to hear.
Sorry if I striked through too much, it's my own personal preferance, you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to.
Very nice.
I really liked it. I nearly started crying about Fred's death again!
I think this is a bit, I don't know, blunt. Don't spell it out to the reader, make the sadnes obvious through actions.
I think you need to reword this. Maybe, " but when she saw Harry she gave a smile, yes a sad smile, but a smile. She came over to him.
Again, I think this is a bit tell-the-reader-everything, but that's just my view. I think you could say. "They had to concentrate on the aftermath." I don't know, but you probably get the point...
Why is there a question mark after "me"?
You need to rewrite thisl it doesn't make sense. Maybe, "Yes," Harry said smiling, though only loud enough for Ginny to hear.
Overall, it's really good and well written
I liked it.
Um, I deleted my previous comment because I thought it was too short.
So here's a longer one.
I like the description of Prof McGonagall, but 'everyone else was the same or worse' sounded like you were writing them off when you could have expanded the descriptions. With Mrs Weasley for example, I don't think she would just cry... she'd probably say something or curse someone (probably Voldemort). Perhaps you could have zoomed in even more and describe the color of her face (ashen?) or the state of her clothes or her hair, eyes, etc. Maybe even some action, like her gripping Fred's clothes or hugging him and not wanting to let him go.
Did you mean 'small sad smile' (ooh alliteration), or perhaps the first 'smile' ought to be cut out completely..?
The second sentence struck me as odd for some reason. I think 'he was glad when she returned it' would have sufficed.
Harry smiled. "Yes," he said, but only loud enough for Ginny to hear.
Trust Percy to be formal at a time like that! It doesn't sound like he knows that Fred is dead.
Too much dialogue!! It sounds like he's rehashing Remus' entire life story.
Try interspersing it with actions so that it remains interesting. Harry wiped his hands on his jeans, touched so-and-so's forehead gently, etc.
I think you need to tighten it up a bit. Try to get the same message across with fewer words. That would probably help to keep the reader interested.
It felt slightly off-balance to me, like there was too much dialogue and too little description.
Instead of having Harry talk in big chunks, it could have been interspersed with small bits of action, such as Harry kneeling over the body, etc.
A bit cheesy. When Harry talks to Fre'ds body, he almost sounds like he doesn't care.
Also, this isn't really a fanfic. It's basically paraphrasing what happens in the book.
Note: Talking to a dead body does not make a piece of writing sad. Harry's character seems shallow and uncaring. Think about it. There is carnage all around him. He has known some of these dead people since he was 11 years old. Where is the emotion? The tears? The anything?
Also: You forgot commas a a lot
Good work though
Nice. I like it. Keep it up. I am more of a poet, but occasionally, I read books and the reviews posted for them. I read yours because I saw that it said Harry Potter and I used to be really into that. Now I am more of a Twilight fan. Good luck on future literacy!
It's a good beginning and you are getting that atmosphere started. I agree with the others - it's too CHEESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise I really liked it.
P.S. Be careful with your commas. Your missing a bunch!
It was alright, but its not sad enough for my taste. This is principally because of the grammar mistakes. The part where he talks to Lupin and Tonks sounds a little like he's writing a tribute to them instead of talking. And I agree about the Fred part making me cringe with awkwardness.
I think it should be "you were".
This sentence is too long, mate! Try "..I can't imagine how you must've felt. And you got Sirius and Peter back, then lost them once more. You got married, had a kid, things were looking good again - then you died. But you brought some good into this world."
I think it should be "Dead you are,". Maybe you shouldn't use dead, because the next sentence uses it too - try "gone" or something. Try putting a comma after "Fred".
Otherwise, it's a pretty good one. Just needs a little patching up here and there for it to give waterworks. Hope I've helped, and good luck.
A very good story although the end seemed like a scripted monologue when he was talking about Remus and Tonks and Fred. You kind of lost me at the end so that could use more work.
Little spelling mistakes like decreased when it should be deceased or wises for wise. Not too bad but they need fixing.
Good story over all and it was pretty sad. You need to work on it if you want tears.
Jaden G.
Oooh, good story. For minute while reading your story, I really felt like being in the castle with the othes.
Nit-picks,
Actually not their lives. It's their families.
There should be a comma after 'recover'
A comma should be there after 'there' and after 'groups'
The first one should be 'averted' and the second one can be written as 'focused'
There should be a comma after 'face' and there should be a period after 'smile.' And you should make it 'a sad smile'
There should be a comma after 'asked'
I cut the 'as' as it isn't needed there.
This should be 'deceased'
What does this mean? 'Any wises', perhaps you meant 'any wise ideas' and there should be a comma after 'future'. There shouldn't be a 'question mark' at the end.
That should be 'good time to' and there should be commas after 'Harry' and 'leave'
I'll make this more meaningful. It should be "As he moved on, he saw more bodies next to Colin, young and old, some he knew, some he didn't."
Foaming.
Look after
Overall,
Well, I can say it was written well. And it had a certain sadness in it. Though it was not much. Well, the sadness isn't described much. It looked as if Harry didn't care about what happened. Especially when he talked to Fred.
So, make it more sad.
Good luck.
Same thing as mtempleton. i thought you could have made Fred's death speech a bit less corny. it reminds me of movies where you're so embarrassed to watch that you turn away from the awkwardness. try getting rid of some of the cheesy stuff and maybe put "i wish you could've seen <insert some event Fred didn't get to see because he died here>."
This is interesting.
A couple of basic things. Don't use so much ellipsis, it's kinda cheesy. Also, when Kingsley asks "any wises or ideas for the future," what is a wise???
It does have atmosphere to it but you are approaching melodrama here. There was so much in between the end of the battle and the epilogue section I'm disturbed that you chose to expand this. I'm really upset about the ending too, though. Lupin and Tonks were my favourite characters after Sirius Black. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.