Stori

That's awesome, dude. I didn't run across any glaring errors. And it's cool that you're role-playing (is that the right word?) as a space traveler. Keep it up, both of ...

Isn't the mind-talk two-way? You'd think, if she had someone in her head, she'd be able to speak telepathically with him.

Very creepy. I might be wrong, but I get the impression that by "water" she means she wants to have sex. Anyway, I couldn't find any glaring errors.

That last paragraph was a little rushed. Slow it down, describe the character, things like that. Keep writing, always keep writing!

Not bad. I couldn't find anynitpicks, but don't take my word for it.

Grace- you should really read the other books in that series, "Icefire" and "Fire Star." They're much better. POTA- Ember is not awful! It's just a little simple, that's all.

I agree, it's a great book. Especially if you listen to the audio book, XD.

Not to rain on anyone's parade... but those books disagree with me. For one thing, most of the characters just don't change. Nynaeve is stubborn, Moraine pulls strings, and Mat ...

Ok... I'm not sure you've convinced me, but I might give it a try.

I haven't found any grammar mistakes, so you'll be spared that. But... this piece could do with a lot more showing. Know what I mean? Don't say, "I woke up." ...

I think one thing you could do is shorten this and put in some more "showing." Otherwise, it's like reading an essay.

Yeah, you could try using commas at the end of dialog.

Seriously, the summary makes me want to read the story. Is it posted?

What I wanted to point out is, when I saw '63 in the header, I thought it meant nineteen sixty-three.

Just wanted to point something out. You jumped into the story without introducing the character at all.