Rigel

This is better. That last little line has some power now, and the thing flows better as a whole. I'm not really into emo stuff, so I have to say ...

This reminds me of the World War II documentary that's on TV right now. I also like the last stanza. It seems reasonably pessimistic, but artistically understated. One teeny thing ...

I had this lovely little "ahhh" moment right when I finished that. I want to go read a book now. On to the criticism. I am going to take a ...

Your problem is that you want to have all of the background of an entire book in a short story. I'm sure that in a larger context many of these ...

I liked the rhyme, mostly. It got stale in places. "Strife" and "Life" is a cliche, "love" and "spoken of" feels awkward, and it would be fantastic if you rhymed ...

I think it's lovely. As it is it's a great piece, but it would be really awesome if you could put a line or two in the beginning to set ...