Published September 26, 2007
I'm really not emo. I was just bored so I wrote a poem kinda sorta about my life. Please enjoy!
HER HEART WILL BLEED
She is alone,
Although she is not
She is unknown
Though no one has forgot
The crazy deeds
Done in her past
Her heart bleeds
Until the last
Day of her life.
Until the end
There’s no ending the strife
Her heart, it will never mend
Though she has an undying love
She can’t erase the deed
She has not even spoken of
Because of this, her heart will bleed.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Hello! I think your poem is simple, but very easy to understand. It makes me sad though, for the girl in the poem is very lonely. I think you lack some punctuations, but you can change it. It's up to you.
Keep it up! Good job!
-darkangel_05
Nice little poem you've got here, but it kinda dies half way through :/
This part is rather great even though you should've really added punctuation. Sometimes, not using punctuation helps the poem along, but it doesn't really suit on this one. The rest, becomes dull and poorly flowing, making it hard to read and gives you little idea of what the poem is about, nor the feelings that going into the poem. Just try to keep your poem together in a way that delivers best, STRUCTURE IS KEY!!!
Anywho, good job, keep on writing... in structure
This is really nice, and it flowed really great which add to my liking of it. A bit confusing as they said but I think that's what makes it more fascinating. I like it.
-fRiEs
If there is once place on earth where this is appropriate, it's here.
It's "rhyming."
I tried a little too hard to rhyme in my opinion...but I think it turned out pretty well.
It was supposed to be broad, and not too specific. This poem was kind of about my life, and I really don't like talking too much about myself...but anyways thanks for your critiques!
nice...
i kinda understand it, it isnt confusing.
i liked the riming and all
great job!
vince
It isn't bad.I am a bit confused though.
Thanks guys!
I liked the rhyme, mostly. It got stale in places. "Strife" and "Life" is a cliche, "love" and "spoken of" feels awkward, and it would be fantastic if you rhymed "bleed" with something else.
I really like going the extra mile and putting a rhyme in, but only when it's fresh.
Initially, this flowed nicely, but it might be interesting to try this without the rhyme, as I think it's restricting you. I'd omit "has" from the fourth line. I'd also look for a different word instead of "bleeds" as it felt a little stale. Maybe "writhes" or "chokes" or something along those lines. Mayeb "constricts" or something. You have a lot of options with it.
Your rhythm is off in the last six lines. I think that they're too long. Maybe try reading this aloud, and you'll get a better sense of the beat and the flow.
Your enjambment was very good here, and made me want to read until the end, but I think that the imagery adn emotion could be more powerful.
Hope this helps.