RacheDrache

Well, that was certainly a whirlwind of a chapter. You introduced your main character, introduced the plot, got your character halfway across the world, got your character to her destination, ...

(Sorry this has taken so long, Pro.) I like this a lot. Great action as far as I can tell (this is not my usual genre.) I'm getting a decent ...

Oh my goodness, whatever did happen to the formatting? I think you need to go into "Edit" and take off the center justify and whatever strangeness the site has imposed ...

Hi there Anne, This is well written, and as such, my only comments on any technical matters would probably be nit picks. In fact, I only really have three semi-objective ...

Hi MMurray! First things first, let's get you up to speed on the formatting and technical stuff and all the good and jolly matters of punctuation. Not very fun, I ...

This chapter took an unexpected trip into the abnormal, and I'm now doubting Tony's mental state. I'm beginning to doubt that Vincent exists. In fact, I'm growing more and more ...

This was really well balanced from a plot perspective. You introduced just enough to keep me interested in the plot and story, but you didn't tell me what's going to ...

Good job on keeping the perspective consistent. A few slip ups here and there, but no big deal. I have one big question, though--where is Vincent? He's mentioned three times? ...

Hey RedRaven! I've read this through and have a few suggestions for you to try out and some comments/questions for your pondering. One of those questions is, why Peyton and ...

Well, seeing as this is from the middle of a piece and not the beginning, I was a little lost. My knowledge of fantasy carried me through to the end, ...

(Please pardon any bluntness. It's just my way.) Grammar, my friend, grammar. When the reader can't figure out what you're trying to say because punctuation's missing or misplaced or sentences ...

Got a handful of things here for you. First , probably most important--whose POV is this from? It seemed to be Tony's for the most part, but then it faded ...