Road to Darkness
My first blood. The twelve men who murdered my parents just for some free snacks. I enjoyed sinking the axe into the decrepit husks of their bodies. The fear in the others as I tore through the first three that charged me with one strike, and to think this entire island’s infested with men like this. They don’t belong here. I’ll give these vermin what’s been coming to them; what the high and mighty across the water can’t and won’t do. I’ll exterminate them.
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Searbeon went to his family stables and grabbed his prized horse. He rode off to where he knew the closest group of smugglers had their base armed only with a huge wood chopping axe and his new found bloodlust.
He found them sitting down to nice large dinner, completely unprepared. He galloped in chopping off three heads with one swing. The smugglers got lucky, however, and Searbreon’s horse spooked and bucked him off. This gave them the time to get to their weapons, a futile hope. He got up and picked up his axe swinging immediately, chopping the legs right off the unfortunate soul closest to him.
“Bring it!” yelled Searbreon, a wide grin stretching from cheek to cheek.
The bravest soul charged him with a spear. Searbreon grabbed it and threw the wielder off
to the side; then he threw the spear through the brave soul’s head.
“Who’s next?!” he said while throwing his axe off to the side taunting his adversaries.
Five men rushed him all at once. He dodged a sword slashing by his head and than an axe swing aimed for his legs. He grabbed a dagger sheathed at the side of one of his attackers. He stood back up and in a matter of a couple seconds was standing with six corpses decorating his feet.
“Anymore takers?” he chuckled out continuing his taunting technique. No one moved. “What? Am I that scary?” At that moment, a rocked slammed into his head. He collapsed to the ground, but as quickly as he fell he got right back up with the dagger clenched in his hand.
A large man with serpent tattoos snaking down his arms, one black and one red, stepped out of the crowd and replied. “Me scarred of a pompous, arrogant pip-squeak like yourself? I slaughtered an entire crew of a Tearash warship all by myself! Me scarred of you?! Sure ya got some moves, but are you prepared for…”
“Shut up already! If you’re going to fight me than fight me!”
“As you wish.” At that moment the man lifted his arm with the red snake and extended it out. An ethereal red viper leapt out of his arm and struck at Searbreon. Searbreon jumped backwards and threw the dagger at the man. The viper struck Searbreon’s arm and Searbreon yelled in pain, but no wound was made. The dagger barely missed the man’s hand. However, the blade slashed up the man’s arm and cute deep ripping through the tattoo causing the ethereal snake fizzled out.
Searbreon saw his shot. He grabbed the axe and charged the man. The man stumbled backward to recover and lifted his other arm. A black viper leapt out of the arm, but it was too late. The axe swung straight through the viper and into the mans skull. The viper couldn’t finish it’s strike. Searbreon wasted no time in unsheathing the man’s sword and ensuing in his quick slaughter of the rest of the smugglers.
“Thanks for the sword,” he said as sat near the man’s body. “You put up a good fight. I always thought magic was rumor. Thanks for the enlightenment.”
He sat down at one of the smoldering camp fires and grabbed some of the dinner they were preparing. He ate quickly and packed what he knew wouldn’t go bad quickly as well as several sacks of water. He grabbed the mans sword, cleaned it, and sheathed it on his belt. He also grabbed a war axe and flung it over his back. He strapped it all on his horse which was cowering away from the blood and slaughter near the forest. He hopped on and rode of into the underbrush looking for more vermin to slaughter.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
wariofart here for a review! I'm not a expert on really anything about writing, but I hope this'll help you a bit.
I just have to start out with this:
Um... que? It seems like your protagonist has a serious case ADHD here, switching what he's talking about mid-sentence. Just read over them and you'll see what I mean. Now then...
Mythology: One thing I did like the was action scene with the snake guy. Having tattoos be the source of someones magic in this world is awesome, and unique too. Does that mean that the most powerful people are utterly covered with tattoos? I must know
Dialogue: I personally found most of Searbreon's dialogue to be terribly obnoxious. The insane over-confidence of it all made me want to wack him with my keyboard repetitively. It also seemed unrealistic. This would be at home with most video-game fighters and purposely cheesy action movies. Not good if he's going to be the main character. However, if you're planning to made him to have a huge character arch from being the obnoxious, over-confident killer to someone nicer, then that's awesome.
Or I could just be failing to see the purposely over-the-top humor of it? It's entirely possible
Sentence Structure: This was something that I really noticed in the last paragraph. I've shortened it so there's just the beginning of the sentences:
As you can see, every sentence starts with "He __", "He __". Make sure to try and vary how you structure your sentences so that the reader doesn't get bored by the repetition.
Overall:In conclusion, this piece has some good ideas, but they are buried under the cheesy dialogue, grammar, and repetition. Try and giving us a little more description about the characters. You're describing this fight, but there's no emotion to it, no tension. We know Searbreon will win about the second sentence, so I'm not very invested in his safety. So far Searbreon seems heartless, even with the prolouge that tries to redeem his character. Keep writing, I can see talent here.
Hi stupidiot92
Like the name by the way.
I like this. I think the way that you write is good and it is gripping, I can't wait to read what happens next.
I like the way that Searbreon isn't really afraid of the men that killed his family and that he wants revenge, revenge is always makes a good story line.
I like the way that you said the smugglers were given a futile hope, when Searbreon's horse throws him off, but then Searbreon gets up and then taunts them.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
(Please pardon any bluntness. It's just my way.)
Grammar, my friend, grammar. When the reader can't figure out what you're trying to say because punctuation's missing or misplaced or sentences are running together for reasons that aren't part of some style... you aren't doing yourself any favors with it.
Mainly, your commas are lost and lonely and feeling abandoned. They belong where one structure ends and another begins:
group of smugglers had their base, armed only with a huge wood chopping ax and his new found bloodlust.
or:
He galloped in, chopping off three... .
And there are other instances like those, between a main clause and a phrase. The good news is, those are easy fixes. As are some of the other typos here and there that I'm sure you can find for yourself (errors with possessives are catching my eye as I type.)
I can help you identify these if you'd like, as well as explain the grammar nitty gritty in more detail if you want. Just shoot me a message.
But for now, onto stuff that matters more.
I had a hard time getting into this, and that's because I had a hard time feeling anything but disgust for Searbreon. Maybe that's just me, maybe you intended it that way--but, even if you want the reader to dislike him (which I don't think is the case), then you could spice up the narrative to make Searbreon more relatable/sympathetic/whatever.
To do this, try using the words and phrases that Searbreon might use to describe his victims. Also, include the details that he would notice. Make sure it's his opinions and not your own, and the reader will dive into it. This is that "Show, don't tell" thing. If you tell the reader that the smugglers are vermin, they're unlikely to believe you because humans just don't like being told what to do. You can go to complicated lengths to "show" how the smugglers are vermin, but is that important to the story? Not really.
It's Searbreon's opinions that are important. That Searbreon thinks these lot are vermin is important. Let the reader see what he sees by using the words he would use.
On another note, dialogue. I like the snip and pop in it. However, it's a bit on the modern end. If this is set on modern day Earth, than modern day Earth slang and phrasing is great. But, something tells me this is not modern day Earth. So, I don't know if "Bring it" and the other lines straight out of Hollywood are what you're going for. Try to get the same meaning across in a more setting-appropriate way. And don't feel pressure to have the snip and pop dialogue. Searbreon is perfectly welcome to answer by chopping off someone's head.
Finally, this is an action piece! Fire it up! Give it some whirlwind pacing! And you can do this easily enough. Verbs. It's all in the verbs. If Searbreon "ran" to the stables or sprinted or charged or bowled to the stables--that's not only more interesting than 'went,' it's also more energetic. It clues the reader into more about what's going on, about who Searbreon is. So, make use of those verbs! (But don't get too carried away, or it'll start to get ridiculous.)
I think that's it for now, but a quick summary:
1. Clean up the grammar and punctuation and spelling! Proofread before you post, read aloud to help you catch errors and strange phrasing, ask a resident grammar freak for help figuring out intricacies or consult your favorite (published) novel.
2. Put this into Searbreon's perspective. Pepper the prose with his words and phrases, and make sure the details we get are the details he would notice.(For instance, does he care about the color of the snake? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't!)
3. Watch the dialogue. It seems out of place and no amount of sauce or snip can make up for it.
4. Employ your verbs!
Message me any questions you have!