PirateP

Well, all I can say is: very creepy! There's hardly anything wrong with this; it's brilliant. What you could do though is change a few words here and there. For ...

Hi, I can't see many problems here, you've got a good plot idea that has lots of potential. Although did you say at the beginning that this was the end? ...

Wonderful story, not much wrong with it really. You have some brilliant metaphors and similes that really give strong images to the reader. What you need to do though is ...

First of all I was a bit confused on how I was meant to read this, without any puntuation at the end of most of the lines; but then I ...

This is really good, and very touching in some places. There's not much you could do to improve it to be honest. I agree that you should cut the "It ...

Very, very good. I love the way you've managed to write in the first person and third all at once - a very difficult thing to do. Just one thing ...

Great piece of writing, if slightly depressing. I like the repeating contrasts at the end. I also like the repeated phrase: "Imagine this", which really puts the reader in this ...

Hi, great poem by the way. Pretty much somes up the life of a teenager! :wink: You could replace "Aching" with "Despondent"; but I think you'd probably want to change ...