Lilyy03

Good luck with it! I really liked this piece. You use the present tense well, and it does fit the story. The way you've arranged the events, going from the ...

Smaur, thank you so much for that critique! It's very helpful. You're right that, as it's past Christmas, I'm not really editing the story now. But the advice you've given ...

Oh ok, got it. :D

Kaz - Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. Phorcys - Thanks for coming back and reading, I appreciate it. ^_^

Phorcys - thanks for the pointers, I'll keep those in mind in the future. Jesseble - thanks! You're right about the "But", I'm going to change that right now. And ...

Phorcys - got it :) Sylverdawn and Joeducktape - thanks so much for reading and reviewing this! It helps a lot.

You're missing quite a few commas and quotation marks. ;) Try adding some descriptions of things other than their hair and eye colors.

Elenasari - I edited the story, and added another few (well, 2, lol) sentences about the picture… I do know what you mean, there wasn’t as much about the picture ...

About the present tense stuff - it's true it's relatively unusal, and can get messy and hard to read, but it is possible to pull off. From my own reading ...

Thank you, eleinasari! Hmm, I'm not sure I see what you italicized... Quote After driving a block, she tries again. Maybe I’m a bit picky here, but maybe you should ...

Izzy, Claudette, and Jiggity--thank you all for your feedback! :) It helps a lot. I really appreciate it, and I'm going to try improving.

I'm going to print this out as well, I think--I really like what I've read so far. :D