Glancing apprehensively at her sister, Jania Warriorstar sighs and begins to trudge back to Forest Glenn.
Where have you guys been calls a male voice. “Gathering fire wood,Raoul.” Jania, replies to a tall broad shouldered elf with golden blond hair and bronze colored eyes. Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other, interrupts an elf with black hair, tall but narrower shouldered and eyes the color of a fading sunset. As soon as you stop making eyes at Iella, Corran. To Raoul's and Jania's immense pleasure, Corran and Iella both turn a bright red. "Aly ,Corran calls to a tall petite looking girl with chocolate brown hair and green eyes set in a face with sad lines. "What did you do, Corran?” “Nothing,Aly.” “Then why you are so eager to help, she replies smiling. Because then he can get out of saying anything that will embarrass him.” “ As if,Jania.” Aly rolls her eyes knowingly
"Raoul, can you put away the wood?"“ No problem, Aly.” “ Iella, can you help me with the protection spells?’ Sure, Corran. "Jania, can you help me with supper? Sure,Aly.” An hour passes and everybody gathers in the living room. "Dinner's ready.” "Thanks,Aly.” Raoul and Jania sit across from each other begin to talk of Celandine's war while Corran and Iella sit at the heads Aly sits next to Jania.
"Jania will you come on a walk with me?” Yes,Raoul she answers s quietly.Aly sighs thinking of her own love ,Keiran Spellsword. "Iella , would you like to spar?” Sure,’ Ran.
"Raoul,why must we suffer like this?” "Lady Cimorine."“ I don't want your past I just want you!” If she finds you, I rather die... Sh, sh hush my lovely ,Jania.
"Raoul, who is lady Cimorene?” "I don't know, but she has agents searching for me."
“Corran, ready to spar?” "Sure, Ie.” Glancing at Iella nervously and taking her hands in his.” Iella Warriorstarspell, jewl of Amara, will you marry me?"
"What?” "Yes!” Taking Iella into his arm and kissing her, Corran wonder if his brother's proposal is going as good as his. It was.
"Jania, will you and I be together always?” Her eyes widening in disbelief Jania simply nods her reply. Taking Jania in his arms and smiling his thanks Raoul begins to walk back to Forest Glen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is an interesting start. We've got a little conversation going on about something that might just be important there just sort of being hinted at there in the background of this conversation. I love the dialogue here too. There's a really strong sense of these people all knowing each other for some time now and it really comes through loud and clear in this piece. I think it lends itself to a very powerful opening.
And by this point we are experience a little bit of clutter I do have to say. The opening was nice with all those characters but as they are all speaking to each other here, it gets a little hard to keep track of and actually remember who is who. It is okay to have a sizeable cast of character but I think we need to spend a little more time with them and get a decent sense of what they are as individuals before you can throw it all together like this and have it be easy to follow.
[quote]"Raoul, who is lady Cimorene?” "I don't know, but she has agents searching for me."
“Corran, ready to spar?” "Sure, Ie.” Glancing at Iella nervously and taking her hands in his.” Iella Warriorstarspell, jewl of Amara, will you marry me?"
"What?” "Yes!” Taking Iella into his arm and kissing her, Corran wonder if his brother's proposal is going as good as his. It was.
"Jania, will you and I be together always?” Her eyes widening in disbelief Jania simply nods her reply. Taking Jania in his arms and smiling his thanks Raoul begins to walk back to Forest Glen.[/.quote]
Well that's a horrifying ending there. Not in the sense of the story of course. That's a lovely note to end on. I just think it reaches its pinnacle as a confusing mess in that point because we genuinely can't follow who is doing what and you really do need to rethink what you want happening here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a little confusing to read. If you put a whole line in between paragraphs it would be a lor more pleasing to the eye. Also the stuff i caught has already been said. There were a few typos here and there otherwise it was good.
PLEASE DO THE GRAMMER AND SPACING THAT EVERYONE HAS COMMENTED ON!!!!!
Please?
I mean, I didn't even read all of it, because it was so squashed together, and the little bit that I DID read had typos and grammer mistakes in. What it didn't have was spacing!
Edit this, and then I'll give a nice long crit.
-Shadow
Thank You ,I haven't had anyone crutique it in a long time.
Alanna
It's okay.
The grammar is bad. SPACE please! It gave me a headache to read beacause of that.
Also, it has a lot a punctuation issues. If you read it over and edit it, it would be much better.
The main idea is good, though.
Thank you head to the editing room right now!
I'm sure you're totally sick of everyone telling you this, but please correct the grammatical errors. It's hard for me to focus on the quality of the actual writing when I keep getting distracted by grammar mistakes.
Anyway, this is pretty well-written... It looks like you have a good beginning, but as others have mentioned it's hard to tell from just one paragraph. I'd like to see more... I'm curious about "Celandine's war."
So, correct grammatical errors and typos and such, and perhaps make it more descriptive; I wasn't getting a very clear image of the characters in my head. Then you will have an intriguing beginning to your novel. ^_^
Keep writing!
You just edited it, you say?? Maybe it didn't submit properly, 'cause it's exactly the same. If you're going to put stuff up for crits, please make sure that we can read it. As it is, I can't tell where one person stops speaking and another starts. Spaces, spaces, spaces, you have none of them between sentences. It's all one big jumble as it is. There should be a new line for every different person speaking, as well.
Also, how are we supposed to crit something so short? It's nigh on impossible! Please help your follow readers, and proof-read your work!
Other than that, this *could* have potential. I say *could* because there is not enough of the story to see what's going on.
Keep writing, but edit this first!!
Ps. I have some pieces that need crits, and I'd appreciate it if you took a look. I'm so desperate I've taken to begging on every post I do!
Just edited it!!!!!!!
-Lanna
One more comment: With such a short piece of writing, it's hard to write a critique... Maybe you should post more of the story?
It is a bit hard to give a comment on such a short piece of writing
I liked the idea, but I think that you wrote this piece in a bit of a rush... Also, please use formating before posting
Quote:
A nervous tremor runs through the air,a young elf feels it.
I think that you should change that sentence somehow. Also, a space after the comma would be welcome.
Quote:
Tall for her species with sapphire blue hair and gray eyes Jania is every inch a warrior as is her sister Iella Warriorstarspell.
This one =/=
Quote:
Where have you guys calls a male voice
I do not understand this part. -Use the " sign, and please fomat your texts. It is then easier to read xD
quote:
With Golden blond hair and navy blue eyes Raoul is quite a sight.
Golden with small letters.
quote:
Again, I do not understand the sentence. Did you
miss 'you' there?
quote:
Tall with jet black hair and indigo eyes one could never tell that he's a powerful sorcerer.
Please reread this sentence...
quote:
" Raoul, you can put away the wood. No problem,Aly." Iella,can you hep me with the protection spells? Sure,Corran.
Jania, help me with supper? Sure,Aly.
A elf with chocolate brown hair and grass green eyes nods and leads the way.
At this point I am TOTALLY lost. Really. I do not kow who says what, who is who.
For such a short bit of writing I found a LOT of mistakes... Did you even reread this?
Thanks!!!!
I suggest you read out this aloud in order to correct mistakes.
And also - why a paragraph? It is impossible to get any sort of essence of character or world if we are only looking at a single paragraph.
Um, what misspriss said. The missing spaces is the first thing that jumps out at me here. I can tell you know where they should be, as you don't always miss them out.
?
. Try revising this and posting the updated version 
.
So I'm going to give you some advance, and it's the best advance you'll ever get for spelling and grammar: proof read you work before submitting it.
And now onto the real crit:
‘Tall for her species with sapphire blue hair and gray eyes Jania is every inch a warrior as is her sister Iella Warriorstarspell.’
- We don’t need to know this. At least, not yet.
- I always find it odd that people describe the eye colour of their characters, simply because it’s such a minor aspect of them. I think it may be because that’s how we’re talk to writing descriptions of characters in school - include their hair colour, eye colour and height (I know I certainly used to just describe those three things when describing a character).
- Don’t group everything about a person’s description together like this. The reader will quite likely forget much of it if you do so.
‘Where have you guys calls a male voice."Gathering fire wood,Raoul."‘
- Missing speech marks.
- Missing a word after ‘guys’ - I suspect it’s ‘gone’.
- When a new person is speaking it goes in a new line.
‘With Golden blond hair and navy blue eyes Raoul is quite a sight.’
- As above. Description is not needed. Right now, your character’s personalities and actions are more important than how they look.
- ‘Golden’ = ‘golden’ (no capital letter)
‘Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other interrupts Corran.’
- Missing speech marks again.
‘Tall with jet black hair and indigo eyes one could never tell that he's a powerful sorcerer.’
- And the description thing again.
- Remember, eye colour is not an important part of how a person looks. Most people have far more distinguishing features (here’s a task for you: how would you recognise your friends in a large crowd? Certainly not by their eye colour. What features of theirs would help you recognise them?).
‘Jania, help me with supper? Sure,Aly.’
- Missing speech marks.
- New people speaking on a new line.
‘A elf with chocolate brown hair and grass green eyes nods and leads the way.’
- Guess what
Hope this helps you
Keep on writing ^_^.
Sounds good. You can't go wrong with elves. You need to fix some typos, I think, because I couldn't make out some of it. You should keep with it; it sounds good. Could be a little more description, I'd kinda like to see drawings of these beings.
Oy, Alanna, if you intend to post serious pieces and get serious feedback, at least do your readers the common courtesy of proofreading your work before you post it, yeah? A few spelling and punctuation mistakes are to be expected, of course - it happens. But this is... riddled with such mistakes. You aren't even paying attention to your spacing - something that misspriss mentioned and you probably want to revise.
The story was, for its part, a good beginning. But the poor grammar detracts from it heavily.
Please forgive the brevity of the comment, but I seem to lack much else to add. o0
(Critted for the CCF)
Goodness gracious! Girl, where is your grammar?
*raises a critical eyebrow*
Here we go...*deep breath*
Read this SLOWLY out loud to yourself and MAKE SURE to pay close attention to SPACING! Try and catch your mistakes. Just remember to SPACE! SPACE SPACE SPACE!
*sighs and falls back onto couch*
You're missing quite a few commas and quotation marks.
Try adding some descriptions of things other than their hair and eye colors.
Sounds like my kind of book!
One point-
-Where have you guys calls a male voice."Gathering fire wood,Raoul."-
-Where have you guys- makes no sense and isnt in speech marks- ws it a typo
-Do you meen "where have you guys gone?
Other than that good book