Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Glancing apprehensively at her sister, Jania Warriorstar sighs and begins to trudge back to Forest Glenn.
Where have you guys been calls a male voice. “Gathering fire wood,Raoul.” Jania, replies to a tall broad shouldered elf with golden blond hair and bronze colored eyes. Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other, interrupts an elf with black hair, tall but narrower shouldered and eyes the color of a fading sunset. As soon as you stop making eyes at Iella, Corran. To Raoul's and Jania's immense pleasure, Corran and Iella both turn a bright red. "Aly ,Corran calls to a tall petite looking girl with chocolate brown hair and green eyes set in a face with sad lines. "What did you do, Corran?” “Nothing,Aly.” “Then why you are so eager to help, she replies smiling. Because then he can get out of saying anything that will embarrass him.” “ As if,Jania.” Aly rolls her eyes knowingly
Okay...this is an interesting start. We've got a little conversation going on about something that might just be important there just sort of being hinted at there in the background of this conversation. I love the dialogue here too. There's a really strong sense of these people all knowing each other for some time now and it really comes through loud and clear in this piece. I think it lends itself to a very powerful opening.
"Raoul, can you put away the wood?"“ No problem, Aly.” “ Iella, can you help me with the protection spells?’ Sure, Corran. "Jania, can you help me with supper? Sure,Aly.” An hour passes and everybody gathers in the living room. "Dinner's ready.” "Thanks,Aly.” Raoul and Jania sit across from each other begin to talk of Celandine's war while Corran and Iella sit at the heads Aly sits next to Jania.
"Jania will you come on a walk with me?” Yes,Raoul she answers s quietly.Aly sighs thinking of her own love ,Keiran Spellsword. "Iella , would you like to spar?” Sure,’ Ran.
"Raoul,why must we suffer like this?” "Lady Cimorine."“ I don't want your past I just want you!” If she finds you, I rather die... Sh, sh hush my lovely ,Jania.
And by this point we are experience a little bit of clutter I do have to say. The opening was nice with all those characters but as they are all speaking to each other here, it gets a little hard to keep track of and actually remember who is who. It is okay to have a sizeable cast of character but I think we need to spend a little more time with them and get a decent sense of what they are as individuals before you can throw it all together like this and have it be easy to follow.
[quote]"Raoul, who is lady Cimorene?” "I don't know, but she has agents searching for me."
“Corran, ready to spar?” "Sure, Ie.” Glancing at Iella nervously and taking her hands in his.” Iella Warriorstarspell, jewl of Amara, will you marry me?"
"What?” "Yes!” Taking Iella into his arm and kissing her, Corran wonder if his brother's proposal is going as good as his. It was.
"Jania, will you and I be together always?” Her eyes widening in disbelief Jania simply nods her reply. Taking Jania in his arms and smiling his thanks Raoul begins to walk back to Forest Glen.[/.quote]
Well that's a horrifying ending there. Not in the sense of the story of course. That's a lovely note to end on. I just think it reaches its pinnacle as a confusing mess in that point because we genuinely can't follow who is doing what and you really do need to rethink what you want happening here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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