KJ

A pretty solid start. Interested to see where you're going with this... I guess I'll have to keep reading.

I enjoyed this. I guess I have nothing negative to say, and I'm sorry this is so unhelpful. Waiting for more...

Thanks both of you for your help :) Ash, I've already added the changes.

Very entertaining. It wasn't supremely good; I don't know if it's just me but I got a bit bored; maybe it was your beginning. You could do better. You have ...

Didn't the piece remind you of it a little?

Wow there was a huge amount of narrative in there. I didn't much like that. I usually like showing rather than telling. May I suggest dialogue? But other than that, ...

Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I liked this. The only thing I didn't particularly like was your hook. Wasn't striking enough, it seemed like. But I ...

I would suggest posting your story in seperate parts, not all just on one page.

I don't know anyone by the name Jesse Radin. I thought I made it up. Huh. That's weird.

I really liked your dialogue. This was very well-written. I have absolutely nothing negative to say. I enjoyed this from beginning to end. Look forward to seeing more. =)

Sorry, but I can't read this. The font is too small and it is all way too clumped together. PM me when or if you change it.

Thanks for the excellent critique, kitty15. I've already made the corrections. =)

You have a talent with building up suspense. I liked that. You have some nice descriptions and derail, also. I didn't notice any errors, so yet another plus. Good work. ...

I really enjoyed this. You have some good descriptions, and I liked your idea. Have no time to say anything else, but just wanted you to know that it's good. ...

Hey. I found this interesting. My only problem with it was that these characters didn't feel like eleven-year-olds. Why haven't you posted the beginning? Would like to read it and ...