KJ

You seem so real as if you stand right before me This felt awkward to me. I would do something like this instead: You seem so real, as if you're ...

Marcus’ [Should be s after comma] horse danced lightly through the scattered trees to get to me. He greeted the other men along the way, but I could see in ...

I adit to skimming - I don't know if it is just the mood I'm in, but this didn't capture my interest all that well. Though I normally don't begin ...

So Esme and the others relatively covered all the grammar/punctuation part. I'll just fill your ears with opinionated babble. As beginnings go, I admit I wasn't satisfied. The sentences were ...

Okay, so I'm going to be extremely nit-picky, just because I'm in the mood. You've been warned :) Cassandra Montgomery dodged into the Red Carpet Club I don't like the ...

Well, I read this from beginning to end, so you must be doing something right :) I didn't really see anything worth pointing out, but there is one suggestion I ...

“W-what’s your n-name?” The man asked as he studied the girl’s face with the same detached amusement. This nitpick is shamefully minor, but the t should not be capatilized. He ...

Life is okay :) Thanks for asking. Okay, so my main problem with this was - not grammar, as you stated - but sentence structure. Oh, it was all correct ...

This time it was Cassandra’s turn to smile smugly. I thought she was so upset. This is rather sudden to the reader. His eyebrows shot up into his hairline. Cassandra ...

The strawberry patches carried their heavenly aroma across her nose and she couldn’t resist the temptation any longer, plucking one small fruit from it’s home. Its , not it's . ...

”Hmm?” he mumbled, his lips unable to produce the words as fatigue slowly consumed his body like an unwanted drug.[I] [I]”You think Dr. Davidson will find out what’s wrong with ...

He opens his mouth to speak, looking like he is reading to tell me something important, but Carmen appears, his lean form coming into view. This was the only typo ...

Hey. Just letting you know that WILL get back to this - I'm out of time right now, and I can't even glance at it. But know that I will ...

Hey Ash. Wow, so I think your critiques are already covered? Maybe? Anyway, I guess I'll just state my opinion - loved it. Your beginning, as always, was flippin great. ...

Overall, this was very well-written. My main problem with this is that you're telling, not showing. I feel as if the tone to this pice is cold, like even the ...