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I like it. You have some interesting, original characters. The dialogue doesn't really make sense, and that's OK, because that's obviously what you were trying to do, but when even ...

It started out with a lot of potential, the cringing boy and the slightly haughty/reserved and doubtful girl. The dialogue was good, got the job done. But when you're basing ...

This was totally meant to be a longer story. Not a whole lot longer, maybe 10-15 pages. The narrative style, reminiscent, told in short little nonlinear anecdotes that reveal the ...

It was good. The idea is really interesting, making something strange, childish, and ridiculous seem dramatic, dangerous. You could have taken it further with more descriptions, and further developmen