Jiggity

First off, thanks a bunch, peeps. The oveall impression I'm getting is that this feels rushed - It most certainly was. It's for a competition of 4,000 words and even ...

Hey Corey, welcome to YWS. It's good to see you commenting so soon, reading, and helping out. Thanks. I'm actually surprised this was received so well, being just a small ...

Heya, thanks Grif - that's a perfectly valid example, and I get what you mean. Cheers for the tip. And to everyone that's commented, I appreciate your help and more, ...

As I said, I need to work on some things. There are inconsistencies in the characters, so I'll revise it a little bit - add on the rest of the ...

Ah, there are a lot of things I need to fix up in this piece. A little bit more of a set up is required, I think; your confusion is ...

Ah, thank you very for your comments. But I don't think I'm entering the competition, rather, I think I'm judging it :p But it was inspired by it. Again, thank ...

Ah, thank you very much Sur. It's in need of a lot of work. I find that the more I write, the more I realise what it is the chapter ...

Blast. With Chapter two, I'll have enough. Its coming soon.

To Mods: I wish this was long enough to be in Advanced Critique forum. Can I have it put there anyway? It will soon exceed the 5,000wd limit for that ...

Sup. Thanks for the comment Andy, tis much appreciated as per usual. This is, of course, only a first draft, not something I've worked hard on or anything. Just some ...

I love you 'dettie. I understand that t can be too explicit for some, its not my normal type of writing as you know - apart from it hopefully being ...

Mm, interesting. I'll definetly look into that, perhaps its a contextual thing. Here, in Australia, that really is a very natural way of talking. I understand its different in America, ...

Disturbing. This seems a rather shallow excerpt, leaving me to wonder as to the relevance of this one disconnection happening. It's not the full chapter, is it? Ah well, it's ...

...I'm scared. :shock: Hah, what did you think of the new, revised story?

**Updated** Thanks for the comment Tri, all suggestions were taken into account. I basically did everything I'd been planning to, y'all just glavanised me into action which I appreciate. Thanks ...