Jiggity

[s]The sound of [/s]A constant annoying beeping sound awoke her Repetition of 'sound'. Beep...beep... beep... You've already described the nature of the noise; it just looks amateur when you do ...

It was a white flag of surrender, proclaiming, “Our king has given up. Our king has given up.” I hated this sentence. Unless of course, it actually happens to have ...

I whom they call I not the Lord of this domain? I, whom they call Metatron. That's an oddly constructed sentence; didn't really feel that the ellipse fit here, but ...

I'm torn by this. On the one hand, it works so very well - very effective, very ugly. As though the ugly fashion in which it was written reflects the ...

Holy Good Chapter, Batman! Dude, finally, this trumps the other two easily. In fact, I would ditch the other two, this is much better stuff. like some divine revelation ugh. ...

There was only darkness; sweet, oblivious darkness. The darkness could not see her. I'm not sure about this repetition here; its a short story and you make other - more ...

Two Celts – [s]a[/s] Patrick Carr and [s]a [/s]Benjamin Burdick – were prepared to march out to King Street and meet their foe You over-write most of this piece, dear ...

"Emily, hurry up with those boxes!" my mother yelled at me, unloading some boxes herself. "Yes, ma'am," I said obediently. It is better to simply agree and do what she ...

It is colder than [s]when we were younger[/s] That's the only thing I would suggest changing. 'before' will do or 'It is colder now.' Something less awkwardly phrased. I didn't ...

Quinn’s attention was one of those disreputable, flighty things that you want [s]to[/s] very badly until you finally get it. get rid of - 'to' - or add 'have' Bars ...

He sailed through the air before landing hitting the side of the walkway with his back and falling into the dirty water. landing/hitting - pick one. This time there was ...

You're right. This does need help. The afternoon sun seeped through my blinds and flooded my room, casting its brightest rays upon the chestnut hair of my best friend who ...

Is that it? That's either the end of the first act, or the end of the whole piece. Naaw. So very sad. Poor Sage. Keep in mind those points I ...

Quite aside from their being long - which in itself, can be looked over - something extraordinary happens when you write them. The character stops. And you begin to talk. ...

Ah, and we reach the first scene that has true feeling! Yay! This was a good one and I haven't many complaints, beyond what I've been saying all this time. ...