IceCreamMan

Okay, so it seems like there has been a fair bit of discussion as to the meaning or intention of various lines. I'll try to clear some of this up: ...

This sounds awkward to me. I know you're trying to spice up the rhyme scheme but it doesn't really turn out as fluid as it could. Would it help if ...

You should put some punctuation in there, it was kind of hard to see what it ment, I had to read it a couple three times. (Yes, I ment to ...

Don't try to cover everything about conformity or lack thereof in nine lines. Just pick one little aspect and deal with it. You don't have to come out and say ...

I rearranged the line breaks so that some of the near-rhyme is at the end of lines now and it has a more consistent meter (long short long short ect., ...

Other then that, no gripes 'cept on the last two lines. The last line seems cut short, the lack of syllables. "Texture, the hand discerns/And the parchment conforms" sounds more ...

IceCreamMan, calling Adam101 a "retard" for stating his opinion isn't acceptable. Here's a better way of saying what you meant: I believe you have a right to you opinion, I ...

Liked this very much, IceCreamMan! Gorgeous images, but it seemed to end a little abruptly. I wanted to keep reading! :twisted: Yea, well I wrote it as filler material for ...

how about this? (note: the new parts are in italics, the other parts are there so you can see if it flows with the rest of the poem) The pianist ...

Even more now. I have an ending kind of, but I don't really like it and will probably change it later. And, by the way, my reference to being an ...

Okay, I added some stanzas and took out the bad ones. It is not complete yet, but its getting there. Please critique the new version: Floating through the space of ...

I think I just came up with something good to replace the second stanza with, but i'm not going to edit the post until someone reviews this adjustment. Here it ...

Thanks backgroundbob. I seriously was thinking that exact same thing when I was writing it, but for some reason I couldn't come up with a better way of expressing it ...

I'm embarassed... :oops: There's no need to be. The song isn't very well known, for obvious reasons (such as it probably was never recorded or played on the radio or ...

I loved it! That was a beautiful piece of work, it was grabbing and engrossing. I liked the title choice and I think I have some idea of why you ...