Heidigirl666

I liked this, and I couldn't find anything to really criticise either; there's only one thing that spoils it for me, do you have to use the word 'homosexuality'? Can ...

I have to agree, it's a lot of telling rather than showing, and the dialogue was so forced it was actually quite painful to read (especially Daniel's-remember, he's six, and ...

Wow, I really like this; the beginning was really powerful and drew you in, and I liked the idea. Using 'gosh' at the end though...bit of a 'goody-goody' type word. ...

I agree that the dialogue and grammar need some work. The lack of punctuation in the dialogue is quite distracting. :wink: I also have a suggestion to make; when writing ...

This confused me a little; has the main character always been blind, or became blind in childhood? :? Because if she's always been blind it makes little sense (for example ...

Wow. I really liked this piece. I thought the tone of the narrative was perfect and it was really emotional. There was a lot of repetition, try not to mention ...

I'm afraid I'm going to pick holes in it. :wink: As someone already said, a lot of unecessary capital letters (capital letters only need to be on proper nouns and ...

Um...it's supposed to be disturbing!!!!! :roll: What's the fun in reading stuff that's all rainbows and fluffy bunnies? :? :roll: It's not a favourite book of mine. I thought it ...

There are several points where you write in numbers instead of words; watch out for this. I would also say loose saying what year the car is, and exactly how ...

I can only think to say, it sounds very...long winded. Despite some lovely description, the style of writing comes across as more something you would find in a science journal ...

I'd say with some work, this could be quite good, however there are a lot of little mistakes that kind of detract from the quality and the formatting is difficult ...

I liked it this, and yes the characters were realistic. I didn't think there was anything wrong with the dialogue, although the waitress seemed a little unnatural. This bit here... ...

It had to have been ten minutes since either of us spoke. This immediately comes across as a little clumsy and gramtically awkward. It would be better as: 'It had ...

I asked, than hiccupped. Then , not than. :wink: That's the only thing I immediately noticed, and yeah, a little bit more description would be nice. Otherwise, I liked it. ...

I liked the beginning of this, it was dramatic and interesting, but there was a bit of repetition, for example the word 'echo' being repeated in the same sentence, and ...