GML

There is too much telling instead of showing. I know it's hard, but you have to do at least some showing when they are breaking into the house. You also ...

I was confused as to whether these things surrounding the MC were vampires, another type of monster, or just evil humans. You say they're night soldiers, then call them parasites, ...

I know my mom is right next to me. Just to make sure, though, I stretch out my hand and brush against her familiar skin. The MC seems pretty sure ...

You have a nice variety of characters that you follow and interesting stories to accompany each. I do wonder why you start out with a character whose story you never ...

To me, there were too many characters introduced in this opening. Not that I couldn't keep them straight, it just seemed a bit much to me. I also felt myself ...

Beautiful. I can't think of another word to describe this. I'd say this is my favorite piece I've read on this site so far--by far. It was right then, I ...

1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out? I think only Lydia needs some fleshing out. The character of Raymond was brilliant. I could feel his emotions. ...

I really don't like the name of Alan for the character. I don't know, your description of him and their age didn't make me feel like that was his name. ...

Wow. Just wow. I really felt this piece. Very depressing thoughts of this woman. I especially loved that description in the last paragraph starting with "Like a moth to the ...

I thought the paragraphs that described the newspaper article the MC was reading were way too tell-tell. They were boring and I lost interest. I think you can mix in ...

I have to agree with valiant with the format. I like it with a sentence per line. Because it's so short and each sentence matters so much, I think it ...

It was okay. It didn't grab me though. The plot isn't that grabbing, so to make it a good read you need some extraordinary writing. Your writing was pretty good. ...

The two critiques above mine cover most of the little writing flaws and slip-ups. The whole "looking in the mirror" thing is pretty cliche and used to put an overload ...

Very nice. I loved the mixing of the real life conflicts of the girls and boys with the MC's whole past with her parents and werewolves. A very nice blend ...

This was written fairly well, but I would definitely change the beginning. It's not a very grabbing opening to me and seems a bit cliche. By the way, I love ...