Monster

I know you already have loads of reviews on this, and this is really a testament to how good this piece is. I love the spacing, and the non sequiturs that you use occasionally really tie in with the emotiveness of the piece!

I just had to comment and let you know I really think this piece is really something special! So well done...have you thought of expanding it further?

some very powerful stuff

I liked this darling. It was very easy to read. It had a pleasant flow, and it was sad. Yet one is forced to wonder what the man behind the muscle is thinking---what motivates him? Does he enjoy what he does, or is he out of control, evey to himself?

it might be more interesting, more original, told from the man's point of view.

Or maybe you could blow off the whole "monster" steam, and write something about a girl who WANTS to be abused for one reason or another. That could be interesting...

idk, I'm just yammering the usual nonsense. But all in all, it was a nice read, very poetic. I think you've got talent. I think you should keep writing.

AH! I liked it, but one thing is killing me! The end! It just stops, and I scrolled frantically up and down looking for more. Why must you leave it on such a cliff hanger! I suppose that was intentional, but still, that doesn't make it any better for me. BLAARGH! I want to yell now, thanks.

I. NITPICKS

So here I am, lying in my closet, my shoes poking me every which direction, hiding from the monster until he comes to get me.

Being a man over 275 pounds made of pure muscle, you already know this isn't going to be some smack that only stings for a while and goes away after a couple of minutes.
It's bad enough when he's sober.

I hear things crashing downstairs. I hear my mother scream after a loud 'smack' [I don‘t like the repetition of “smack”] . Pots and pans rebound off the walls. Dishes are being thrown as if they were [I think this should be “are”] Frisbees.
I lay in my closet and pray; although I know nothing will happen. I figured out God doesn't give a damn about me; otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation.

Now she's scared to come save me. She sits and watches, rubbing her face where she was smacked, like that was anything compared to my bruises.
All she had was a swollen cheek; I'm close to death.
He drags me by the hair and forces me downstairs, throws me against a wall, and starts kicking and punching and spitting.
I hear his footsteps near the staircase.
I start counting the seconds; last time it him [What?] 134 seconds to come and get me. Seventy seconds is the record.

I hear him stomping up the steps. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three.
Now he's jumping over the computer he knocked over a week ago. Thirty, thirty-one.
I feel the ground vibrate as he closes the distance. Forty, forty-one, forty-two.
Light shines on me as my closet is yanked open, my closet doors screeching in protest.
Forty-nine seconds. A new record.

It's a sad thing when people, children no less, are abused.

This story really caught my attention and I felt that the formatting worked for it.

As others have said, the counting down at the end was a great way to end it.

I'm glad your friend is ok.

That's HARDLY I review Xena. We're talking about the writing piece, NOT the situation. And if you noticed, the author said that her friend was better now.

so this is true you say.. and you showed this to your friend and she said.. brilliant great.. shit.. id be like.. damn. this is how you think of me. you know what i mean? like she or (you) knows how I (her) feels! and jesus.. call child services for godssake and stop writing poems! or.. call child services... THEN write poems.. shoot.. and yea id be a little creeped out if this was me and my friend wrote a poem about it... but isnt this under fiction? but anyway.l. i dont know what to say... but anyway... i could understand it fine.. but yea it is a bit cliche.. even if it is true.. add some panda bears and youre money

I really liked that story and thought it was very realistic. A lot of children are being abused like this and it should be stopped. And I'm really sorry it happened to your friend. It was well written and a touching story. I felt like I was there while all the abuse was happening.

[quote]Before him people had mistaken her for my older sister.

you should have a comma after him

a couple of lines down you us came it should be come

over all i liked the story and it was a powerful one at that, you have something here, keep writing. it is horrible that your friend went through this, but if you keep writing this i will keep reading, you have a great hook so far, keep going and good luck

Ja

I agree with the general population, this is quite good. I also quite liked the formatting, contrary to other people. I think it seperated the text quite nicely, and was a bit outside the norm; it made me really feel like I was in the character's head, cos it was like she/he was thinking right onto the page- you don't think in paragraphs. It made sense to me.

And even though the basic storyline is NASTY, like abuse and whatnot, you seemed to pull off writing down the facts and interlinking the emotions really well.

I applaud you.

I never thought so many people would comment... and like it! Thanks everyone! I'll be sure to use all the advice people have given me the future. This isn't meant to continue, but maybe I'll change my mind in the future.

Thanks again!

Powerfrul. Stunning. Captivating. There isn't much I have left to say, only that your work is a wonderful piece. I like it the way it is formatted since this is very short, it made me want to read more, to hurry on to the next phase or else it would be too late for the main character. It feels as if for every line, the ends draws even nearer but even so - I have to read it, I have to know what happens.

Its brevity is its trump card for me however, you could add more emotion into it. More anxiety, more terror. Though this piece stands well enough as it is.

Great job. Keep on writing.

Yeah this was very powerful. I liked how you kept it brief, I think it created a more realistic setting because you kept it brief. Um whatever happened to her step father is he in prison or did the mother and daughter run away? Just curious... But yeah very powerful.

Jonathan

I have to agree with valiant with the format. I like it with a sentence per line. Because it's so short and each sentence matters so much, I think it sets each thought off nicely. (maybe this is just because I do this in my own writing sometimes...)

I can also see where the poster was coming from who said this was edging on cliche. I agree and say you expand a bit and make the feelings and situation specific to the real person this is based off of...but the fact you wrote this for your friend is wonderful.

You really showed the situation well. I could feel the emotions of the MC. Which made me feel depressed--but was good.

The ending was brilliant. Just brilliant. I can't say much more than that.

Wow. That was a very depressing story! I agree with most of the people on here, the format of your writing is a little hard to understand, it kind of requires you to think more than you should when reading a piece. (about the way it's written, not the words.)

I actually think you might want to try to be a little more descriptive when writing strong pieces like this.

I had a problem when you wrote, "And to me, that seems like forever. " You should never start a sentence with the word 'and'.

Just a word of advice!!

I didn't know about gold stars back when I read this. I've returned and now I DO know what they are, and you're getting one from me. Awesome job. I applaud your talent.

I had punch, it had heart and it was real.

Good work :]

Eimear

Whoa. Intense ! Well written, just take care that the formatting isn't too cramped up, makes it hard to read.
I like it though!

I'm sorry your friend went through this... it's way horrible.

Read over your story and say it aloud to yourself, it's a perfect way of making sure sentences are logical and work.

Good job!
Xxx Do

I liked how the main character new exactly how long it took the step-father to get to her on various occasions. I also liked the description of how her mother wouldn't save her, even though she was getting hit much harder than the mother was.

The format seems more to me like a poem than a story. However, I think the format was easy to understand and would work well either as a poem or story.

Being a over 275 pounds made of pure muscle

My mother was beautiful and radiant. Before him people had mistaken her for my older sister.
Before him I wasn't good-looking, but I was certainly better than this.
Over the past few months her curves diminished, her radiance faded, her youth replaced by rapid aging.

Wow. I'm so glad your friend is better. This is rough (meaning emotional, not choppy.). Good job, I really liked this!

God, poor girl.
Anyway, I have to say that I really loved the format you put this in. It's different, but I thought it was easy to read, and made it even more interesting. It gave it a nice, quick rhythm that suits a piece as short as this very well.

I have a problem with one sentence. The bit where you say that Satan himself would cover from him--- that part just seemed a bit cliche and over-worked.

Please, please please don't change the ending. It was brilliant and not anticlimactic at all. Not knowing what happens to her leaves you feeling very helpless, which is a great effect considering the subject of this piece.

Reading this really concerns me for your friend, so you know you've done a very good job. Even though this didn't happen to you you are very honest and sound like you really know what you're talking about-- you must know her well.

So anyway-- Don't change the ending and in my opinion, don't change the structure either. It made the effect even stronger for me-- a nice one-two punch from line to line.
Great work!

That is so sad that those true things happen to good people. At the very end i started bawling and I couldn't stop. I love the story, but I don't love that is was true.

I liked the end bit with the counting down, that gave it a rhythm which was good to read.
I definetly think yuo should continue it.

This was captivating.It also painted a vivid picture in my mind, which I like.
I think this deserves a gold star * puts gold star*
I love your style of writing, keep it up!

~inkling

Wow, that was really well but together. Its really sad, thought. Some people really have to go through that stuff. I feel sorry for them. Anywho, you did an excelent job! I thought the format was ok.

Ok, your format was some different but I understand you.
Second, I enjoyed your writing because I feel your character front of me!
Because your figurative language, or descriptive words, hooked me.
I wish to read more about your story.

This probably belongs in the Narrative Poetry section. It was interesting. It seemed realistic, which I liked.

At first glance, this looks like a poem. Right off the bat, you can do one of two things: either take away some description and make it a poem, or flesh it out and make it a story. Keeping these choices in mind, I go into the crit:

Livinginfantasy wrote:He's drunk again.
And when he's drunk, a monster breaks loose. A monster so terrifying, so strong, so evil, even Satan himself cowers in his presence.
He swears, he swings, he smashes, he stomps, right up until he's satisfied.
And to me, that seems like forever.
When he's drunk, he needs a release.
And I'm his punching bag.

Being a 275+ pound man made of pure muscle, you already know this isn't going to be some smack that only stings for a while and goes away after a couple of minutes.

I lay in my closet and prey...

All she had was a swollen cheek; I'm close to being murdered.

He drags me by the hair and forces me downstairs, throws me against a wall, and starts kicking and punching and spitting, whatever frees of him of his frustration at the moment.

I hear his footsteps near the staircase.
I start counting the seconds; last time it him 134 to came and get me. Seventy's the record.

I hear him stomping up the steps. Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three.
Now he's jumping over the computer he knocked over a week ago. Thirty, thirty-one.
I feel the ground vibrate as he closes the distance. Forty, forty-one, forty-two.
Light shines on me as my closet is yanked open, screeching in protest.
Forty-nine seconds. A new record.

I second the suggestion to separate it out into different paragraphs. As is, it is rather hard to read.

This was kind of short, yet powerful. I especially liked the counting at the end.

I feel bad for your friend. I'm glad that she is better now. I'm holding her in my hopes and prayers.

Nice writing.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Swell.

Hello, welcome to YWS!

Firstly, I must say that this was very difficult to read in the format that you put it in. Try to form it more so into paragraphs because a lot of members just skip over good work because they don't like the way it was formatted. An example:

He's drunk again. And when he's drunk, a monster breaks loose. A monster so terrifying, so strong, so evil, even Satan himself cowers in his presence. He swears, he swings, he smashes, he stomps, right up until he's satisfied. And to me, that seems like forever. When he's drunk, he needs a release, and I'm his punching bag.

So here I am, lying in my closet, my shoes poking me every which direction, hiding from the monster until he comes to get me.

**And so on. Otherwise, you have some spelling errors put they're easy to find if you take the time to read through. Remember to capitalize your "i".

**On content I really enjoyed this. Though, even though this story is true, it's been done before and still comes off a little cliche. If you could continue it...and really tell what happens and what comes afterwards and the true feelings and thoughts of the narrator I think this could develop into a great story. But remember, be original. I liked the counting part at the end, it worked really well with the piece. Though, just ending it where you did I felt like I missed out on a big chunck. The ending didn't really seem like an ending if you know what I mean. I would have expected something a little more dramatic or at least more in depth. Look into that. That could be much longer.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda