DiskElemental

Full line by line is available here: Overall this is a pretty strong piece. However, you need to double check your punctuation and tenses. You're forgetting articles and connector words ...

For clarity, my review can be found here:

I don't have enough specific comments to do a full line by line, the comments I do have are more about the story itself. I looked up at the golden ...

This is kind of a mess. Let's start with your opening paragraph: I thought it was odd that my bed was very uncomfortable. My room was so cold and drafty. ...