SlenderMan

Okay, I've read through some of the other reviews, so I'll try to mention things that other people missed, and focus less on the grammatical errors.

That being said I do want to point out that in the first paragraph of your re-write you still use both 3rd person and 1st person. If Calix is the 'I' character, his name should never be said by the narrator, it should always be 'I' out of dialogue, otherwise the I should be dropped).

I think that, in terms of tone, there are a few things you could implement over all that would tighten up your writing and make it more effective.
1. Try to avoid using -ing words. This is called being passive in writing. It feels redundant and a lot of readers find it bothersome, even if they don't recognize why. Here's an example of what I mean.
"It was a beautiful day, sun shining through the window lighting up the kitchen, the slight summer breeze causing the trees to sway back and fourth; it was like they were dancing."
This sentence could be stronger if you tried to limit the amount of -ings.
"IT was a beautiful day. The sun shining through the window lit up the kitchen (or the sun shined through the window, lighting up the kitchen--either way), and the slight summer breeze caused the trees to sway back and forth; as though they were dancing."
You could find a way to eliminate even more of the -ings, but even taking out the two that I did really polishes up the paragraph.

I agree that you say details that don't need to be said. In the above example "It was a beautiful day" isn't really necessary. Your description of the day is more interesting to the reader and more evocative--as beautiful actually holds very little meaning to most people. In general avoid words like very, beautiful, good, bad, and other words that we use a lot but don't actually have any specific meanings. Try to capture the meaning you actually want. You can use a thesaurus as a guide to help you find the perfect word, but NEVER use a word you don't already know the meaning to.

Other than that, make sure that you enter a new paragraph EVERY time you switch dialogue. So if two people are speaking it should look like:
"X," A said.
"Y," B said.
"Z," A said.
Not,
"X," A said. "Y," B said. "Z," A said.

Brush up on grammatical rules, especially punctuation and comma splicing. You need to work on your technical skills. When you get the form right, then your writing can really shine through. As it is now, I think most people are distracted by the technical issues. If you'd like, I'd be happy to find a good site or something where you could review this stuff. There is no shame in needing to learn the basics

Going to post my final comments here, because the system won't count my line by line as a review, but I want my review points daggummit.


You've got a few major mistakes that you keep making over and over.

1. Is this story in First person (I, we, us) or Third person (he, she, they)? You switch back and for multiple times in the first few paragraphs.

2. Un-needed words, you're using too many words to describe unimportant things. We know someone packed flashlights, you don't need to keep mentioning it. We know Even/Evan and Calix are brothers, you don't need to mention it every other line.

3. Bad voice. It's kinda hard to explain, but this entire story just doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk. Try reading the story outloud exactly as written, and it should give you a good indication if you've captured a human voice. (Whoa, weird image)

4. Not enough descriptions. I've read and written more than my fair share of creepy-pasta, and the thing I've noticed that seperates terrifying stories from mediocre ones is imagery. The Slenderman Mythos isn't so much about Slenderman himself, it's about the aura of terror that surrounds him, it's about the quiet scratches at the window, and creaks and cracks in the middle of the night. it's about atmosphere. It's not that your story has no atmosphere, but it's a lot closer to Mercury than Earth, if you get what I'm saying.
Other than the phrase "dark, dense woods" you really haven't given us any kind of description of the woods, or anything else for that matter. Start there.

For clarity, my review can be found here:
http://titanpad.com/95uY1bXpDo

Hey Alex,

This is a great start, but I encourage you to fix a few things. First of all, you tend to switch between Even and Evan. You should probably fix that, but it's not a huge deal. Next, you didn't capitalize Calix in the beginning. Again, a simple error, nothing horrible. Also, (another spelling issue) you spelled the word "marshmallows" as "marshmellows" (The first one is correct). I can't go into all of the spelling errors, but you should look into it again, there are a lot of typos.

Now I'll move on to sentences, there's this one:

"The two boys got up putting out the fire so it wouldn't end up cathing the woods on fire."

First of all, chathing should be catching, but more importantly you use the word fire multiple times in the same sentence. I would suggest reformatting it to use the word flame or something else, just to change it up a bit.

Okay, I want to point out a sentence I liked too:

The sun was set and the gleam of the fire was all they needed to feel relaxed even though thee were now completely surrounded by a dark, dense woods.

Besides the typo, I really like the description in this sentence, it's something I fail to do in my own writing, so a thumbs up for that.

Okay, so I know that some of this was a bit harsh, but I really liked it. Like I said, you do a better job on descriptions than I do. Don't be discouraged, you really just need to edit this a bit and it will be a great piece. Thanks for sharing this!

Zephion

The sun was in the sky, Calix, and Even had just got done finishing up their lunch. It was a beautiful day, sun shining through the window lighting up the kitchen, the slight summer breeze causing the trees to sway back and fourth; it was like they were dancing. Evan was a year older then me; he had just turned nineteen yesterday. We started washing the dishes just as our mother walked out. Even was now drying off the plates we had used; "Hey mom" he said; "would it be okay if me and Calix maybe wen't camping tonight, just inside the woods?" Calix expected her to say no, but when he heard her say "I guess, but just don't go to far in, you know how i feel about you going deep into the woods." I was shocked. Usually our mom would say no if we asked to camp outside in the woods.

After they had finished washing, and drying the dishes they got all of their camping equipment together. They got their tent, sleeping bags, marshmellows, pillows, and two flashlights, that was about it. They wanted to set up before the sun fell from the sky, because it's a proven fact from some campers that you can not see a thing when the sun is set. Calix, and Even set off into the woods, climbing over branches and briars . They walked just out of sight of the house as the woods seemed to get even more dense. They kept stepping over branches but some would brush against their legs giving them small cuts. It seemed like they have been walking for hours, but Calix knew it was only minutes when he stumbled onto the slender trail.
Calix, and Even followed the trail, looking back as the house grew farther away from them. "Even" said calix, "mom said not to go to far in remember"? Even sighed and looked at his brother, "it's a trail, we will be able to get back no problem". Calix wanted to put his trust into his borther for once, with that he followd him down the trail. We got a distance away and found the perfect spot to set up the tent for the night. The trees around them were full of leaves with a few missing, light gleamed down on them as the sun was setting for the night, the breeze was light and swift blowing every few seconds. Calix looked around at the spot that was chosen as the camp site, noticing the spot they were in was not the end of the trail; as it seemed to go on for a while more.

The two boys started to set the tent, making sure that it wouldn't fall on them during the night. Calix placed the sleeping bags inside, rolling them out, so they would have everything set up before the sun was completely down. Even, being that he used to be in the boy scouts, took two sticks and made a fire in a matter of seconds, he seemed to be a professional at doing that. The sun was set and the gleam of the fire was all they needed to feel relaxed even though thee were now completely surrounded by a dark, dense woods. Looking around you would think they were miles away from home, although they were only about a quarter mile into the woods.

Calix looked at Even, "hey Even" he said, "want to go walk further to see how far this trail leads"? Even looked back at the dark trail, not even the moon light was shining through the trees to help dim the path. "I dont know Calix, it seems pretty dark back that way" he said. Calix reached into the tent and pulled out the two flashlights that he had grabbed while getting equipment to take along. "Fine" Even mumbled to his brother. The two boys got up putting out the fire so it wouldn't end up cathing the woods on fire. Calix turned on both flashlights giving one of them to his brother, and started down the trail. Evan swayed his light back and fourth looking through the whoods, while Calix kept his on the trail ahead of them.

The breeze started to pick up quite a bit, but then again it was now night time; the sun was no longer in the sky to provide heat. They walked for quite a while. Even looked at a watch that he had on. "Calix, we've been walking for almost an hour" he said. Calix didn't wan't to turn back, he wanted to keep going. He stopped and saw the mist coming in. "We should get back to camp before the mist covers the trail, and we end up lost out here". They started to head back, but the mist was really thickening up, it made it impossible to see the trail; luckily they could smell the smoke from the fire they had going earilier. Calix stopped Even dead in his tracks, "you did put the fire out..right?" he asked him. Even nodded, sniffing the air he got a look on his face of panic. "What?" asked Calix, Even looked at him and started off into a run. "What!?!" called his brother chasing after him, Even stopped, and looked around. "That smells like burning, not a put out fire, but a lit fire".

Calix and Even broke off into a sprint, following the smell of charred wood. At times it seemed like the smell would be behind them, like it was moving through the woods. They thought to themselves, the breeze must be carrying the smell through the woods. They kept running toward the smell, and ended up back at their tent. The smell was over powering at this time. Both boys shined their light all over until; that was until Calix called his older brother over. Even ran over to where Calix was, as they both stared at the tree infront of them. They both looked at each other, "I don't wan't to be out here anymore" Calix said. Even looked at him, "it's just some kids out here in the woods being idiots". Calix went into the tent, Even just stood there, like his eyes were glued to what was on the tree. A circle with a X through it, burned into the tree. Even finally broke his gaze, and followed Calix into the tent to turn in for the night.

First off...woah. Too much info at once, break it down into smaller paragraphs. If it's all in one big blob, then they might drift off into different sentences. Or not understand properly. So just fix that, and your readers won't be intimidated by such large paragraphs.

Second, there are a lot of grammatical errors. And I'm seeing stupid stuff like not capitalizing 'I' a few times, sentence fragments, run-on sentences...etc.

I'll give a few examples:

Spelling wise: "And he wen't out of my sight." No, it's spelled 'went'.
There were more spelling error for sure. But I don't want to sound too harsh. And I'm sure you can see them for yourself.

Also, as far as I could tell, you only mentioned the main character's name once. It's a good idea to trade out using his name, instead of constantly using 'he'.

I also noticed that the way you spelled Calix's friend's name, E-v-e-n is also the way you spell 'even'. Now, this is up to you obviously, but I would spell his name E-v-a-n, with an 'a'. Maybe you were trying to make it unique, but I think that readers might get confused.

I don't want to sound too harsh. But if you were planning on going farther with this.
Stop.
Go back and undo all your previous work. Revise your plot, characters, location perhaps, and...everything in general. Take all the reviews from this and use them if you do this over again.

Very good description with some grammatical errors and one criticism from me personally.

My criticism is the fact that this entire chapter is made up of just two paragraphs, it can be quite intimidating to a reader if the first thing you see is a wall of text.

Some grammatical errors that I spotted was you not capitalizing all the 'I's but only a few.
A lot is two different words not one.
"no" he said, it's just odd that a man in a suit would be in the woods, but then again there are some crazy people around these parts". You didn't add the first quotation mark between said and it's. (Don't listen to the below comment when he says ""it's"=it is, use the contraction form in this case" if someone says it then that is the way they talk they are not trying to be formal - no offense Stigma but that was not well thought out)

That is all i spotted error-wise so my overall view on this is: If you make more, I'll read them. 8.5/10

Okies, first off, make sure to capitalize all your "I's". And some other things:

*...look on his face. "Have you seen anything strange around these parts lately son?" (period instead of a comma, capitalize "have")
*"We recieved a call late last night that a man was spotted snooping around these parts, they described him as a man unknown age, wearing a black suit and *tie." (capitalize "we", period goes inside quotes)
Sure *it's odd ("it's"=it is, use the contraction form in this case)
*"No," he said. "It's just odd that a man in a suit would be in the woods, but then again there are some crazy people around these parts." (appropriate opening and closing quotes, again period goes inside)
*"Maybe he went out another way?" (capitalization, question mark when beginning a sentence with "maybe")
My family doesn't have *a lot of money ("a lot" is two separate words)
*...having the house to yourself for a while." (again, period inside)
*"Pretty much nothing," (comma)
...he said as he left and *went out of my eye sight. (pretty sure that was just a spelling mistake)

Honestly, this needs a lot of work. It's rushed and there's no character development or description of the setting. I personally hate everything having to do with Slenderman, but I mean, write about what you like. Anyway, don't mean to sound harsh at all, just trying to help you improve. Keep practicing.