Young Writers Society

happy birthday!!!

happy cake day!!!!!!!

Just haven't had the time to write... lots of stuff has happened you guys...

1. Toxic ex attempted suicide (don't worry he's alive they got to him just in time) and blamed me in all the suicide notes he wrote... apparently I'm the horrible ex girlfriend who abandoned her boyfriend when he needed her

2. My favorite uncle passed away from a stroke. Dad went crazy almost with grief and its an accomplishment to even get him to get up in the morning.

3. Grandpa on Mom's side is dying slowly from a combination of gout, diabetes, and something with his bones

4. Great aunt is dying from dementia and barely remembers her own name.

So... yeah that's why I haven't written. On the bright side I guess my uncle left me his two cats who are now my therapy fur babies and some money for college. So the cats are helping.

So... ever had someone call you something so horrible.

My ex contacted me again using a friend's phone. And he called me something and said something I can't stop thinking about...

"Baby, you're damaged goods , I'm damaged goods. Let's be damaged together."

He said I'm damaged goods because of whats happened to me and that no one but him will want me romantically or sexually.

I'm still not taking him back... but still I've been called all sorts of things by people who made it clear they don't care about me.

But I've never been called something so horrible by someone who claimed to love me more than anything else in the world.

It hurts so much and sometimes it might feel like he's right but deep down I know he's wrong.

I'm not perfect but I'm not "damaged goods"

So I mentioned an old friend I reconnected with a couple months ago.

We have quite a history. He was a senior and I was a freshmen. We both met in choir as a bass and soprano singer. We loved singing and even performed together often.

He developed a major crush on me. He bought me jewelry, brought me flowers, escorted me to class, pulled out my seat like a gentleman. I felt very special. He wanted a relationship but my mother convinced me to focus on my studies. So I rejected him and regretted it.

I adored him because he was the first person to stand up for me at school.
When there was rumor passed around that I was having an affair with my married math teacher, I became the school Jezebel. He punched the guy who had the audacity to call me a gold-digging homewrecker whore in public (got in a lot of trouble for that while the guy who called me derogatory term got nothing but a slap on the wrist).

I reconnected with him and we've been chatting and bonding. He also has a toxic ex so he understands.

Now I think... I'm developing feelings for him.

My mother doesn't want me dating so I can focus on work and school alone. She thinks I'm too young for a serious relationship.

But this is becoming too overwhelming.

I think about him ALL the time. Everything I do to distract myself reminds me of him. Whenever I hear his voice over the phone or see his face on Facetime I just have my heart beating faster and faster. I fantasize about what it's like to be his girlfriend and this is so embarrassing kissing him.

It's absolutely terrifying because I've never felt this way about anyone. I didn't think about my ex so much. He made my heart beat but in a bad way. The thought of kissing him didn't excite me.

I'm scared of pursuing this. I honestly think my friend is wayy to good for me and I honestly think after everything I've gone through I'm damaged goods. I worry about my ex's reaction knowing he'll find out somehow and he did threaten suicide. I may not want him but I don't want him dead. My mother's opinion makes me so hesitant. Sure, people tell me I'm nineteen and an adult but I feel until I move out of the house and don't rely on them I can't exactly pull the "I'm an independent adult who can do whatever I want card."

But my friend is amazing. He's a gentleman and respects my boundaries and women. He and I have way more in common. He's very patient with me. He doesn't fault me for being a Catholic girl of faith even though he's an atheist. He likes children. He's mature. He has his traumas and issues but never uses them as an excuse to treating others badly.

I know he's not perfect but he's such a beautiful soul.

I feel like I might be falling in love, although maybe I'm not.

But I feel like I shouldn't pursue this because I just think he deserves better. I'm not beautiful.

I just am so scared because this is something so new to me. I want him more than I've wanted anyone else. But I just have all these reasons not to say anything. He's just so wonderful and I just think he deserves the perfect girlfriend which is not me.

Maybe I'm just lonely and pathetic or desire him because he's the anti-Josh (my ex). But I think this might be really real.

I don't think he'd want me anyways.

But I just can't stop thinking about "what if"

Any advice

So sorry I haven't posted poetry. Just haven't been feeling inspired lately.

Happy late birthday!

Oh and toxic ex boyfriend bought a new phone to talk me up. He wanted a second chance: Here is a snippet of the conversation.

Him: I need you. Please, I'm feeling horrible and depressed and YOU were the only one who I could talk to and make me feel good.

Me: I know. But it's obvious if you feel this way and rely on me for comfort, you clearly aren't taking advantage of the fact you have a therapist for home and school. I may be ready for a boyfriend, but that boyfriend can't be you.

Him: Please. I know I left you so heartlessly, but you know my depression.

Me: Yes, and I understand. But using your trauma as an excuse for treating people the way you treated me is not good. I don't use my PTSD or severe anxiety as an excuse to hurt those around me.

Him: I know. YOU can help me change and be a better person.

Me: It's not MY job to change you. Only you can do that.

Him: There's someone else isn't there? I swear if there is I'll kill myself.

Me: Not yet... but there might be. He's handsome, and sweet, and treats me better than you did. He's very patient with me.

Him: I wasn't patient?

Me: You started pressuring me for stuff I didn't want to do since day two. I should have seen that as a red flag.

Him: Please. Everyone deserves another chance.

Me: I did, I gave you one and YOU BLEW IT. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. There is not fool me thrice, because by then you've learned that you can't trust that person. And I can't trust you.

Him: He won't make you happy the way I did. He won't appreciate you.

Me: I've known him for years. He defended me from horrible bullies and would never pressure me for more. He's fine to go at my slow pace. We may not be in a relationship full one right now, but he's willing to wait for me to be a bit more ready and heal from you.

Him: I loved you and love you still

Me: If that was how you love, I pray for whoever is your next girlfriend that you change.

Him: Stop praying, I hate it when you do that.

Me: Number three, you never respected I was a woman of faith.

Him: Please, I love you. I need you in my life. No one will ever love you like I did.

Me: You're right, no one will 'love" me like you did. Because I will find someone who will give me the love I believe I deserve.

Him: Please

Me: No Josh. I hope you heal from your hurts eventually and find the happiness you deserve. You're not a horrible person.

Then I blocked him again.

Was I too harsh? idk...

Hey anybody go to Seaworld?

My family is extremely pissed at me for refusing to go to Seaworld simply because I think the orcas and captive animals are abused. A lot of the orcas are kept in horrible cages and are treated cruelly during training.

Seen lots of documentaries about it (watch Blackfish).

My father wants to take my brother to Sea world. I told him...

"Fine, take the kids to Sea world. But I'm staying at the hotel. Call me cruel for not wanting to spend time with family, but I refuse to go to a place I find morally unacceptable with my family. We can spend time together at the beach. But I'm not compromising my morals for you or anyone. YOU taught me that."

Am I horrible for saying that?

I'm sorry for not posting for a while. Working one job during the day and one at night can do that.

One more year until 20! Ewww. As someone depressed I particularly hate my birthday but... thanks @Hkumar and @Magebird

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday~! ✨🎊🎉

So... I'm gonna be a big cousin again! My aunt is expecting a baby! She told the whole family after some of them found out when she posted the ultrasound pics on facebook (pregnancy brain - she forgot they followed her)

My dad gave me a HUGE talk about not doing what I did when my mother was pregnant with my baby bro almost eight years back.

Story time: I was twelve and SUPER excited because I loved babies and loved everything about babies. I ordered five what to expect books, talked to the baby through my mom's belly everyday, started knitting him toys and stuff.

Then one day when my mom was 5 weeks pregnant, I had my grandma take to me to mall and came home with 650 dollars (my own money that saved from Christmas and birthdays) worth of baby clothes, hats, shoes (even designer ones).

Mom was so touched she started crying, but dad was pissed since we already got the same day a delivery of hand-me downs from my mother's work friends.

He was mad because all the clothes were cute baby girl clothes (you know the poofy dresses with tutus are so cute). I wanted a sister if it already wasn't obvious. We didn't know the gender yet and he was DEAD set on a baby boy (I mean he was surrounded by three women and greatly outnumbered, dreading shark week).

Long story short, it was a boy and I had to return ALL the clothes minus the designer baby sneakers I bought which were unisex.

So basically dad wanted me to not go crazy and spend my paychecks on baby clothes.

Hope this story was great. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, work is KILLING ME.

Remember that you are loved and wonderful just the way you are!

Anyone got summer plans? My plans are to work and work and work and work and work and work and work and work...