Young Writers Society

I had dinner with him last night.

She allowed the words to slip out of her mouth like ribbons,
cerulean silk,
with forgotten frayed ends-
spoken to a person there but not there
at least not yet or not at all
or maybe she doesn't know that he's dead,
but she does, doesn't she, she has to-
he's been dead for ten years,
nothing left of him but
sepia-tone pictures,
hollow bones
and a full plate on the dinner table.

Your poem is very short and accurately to the point. a little eerie but nice.. ish i just dont get the complete purpose and message of it maybe you should consider making it longer or adding a little more meaning

Hey Jas! I'm hereeeeee. To reviewwwwww. But I haven't done so in a long time so forgive me if it's not good enough. Reviewing time! So, nice, short poem you got here. And I really liked it but sometimes, the flow seemed.... off? I have one or two Nitpicks.

I had dinner with him last night.

When I read this I actually expected the poem to be about the dinner. I thought the girl was telling the poem. But then, I read the next stanza and realized what you were trying to say. Maybe, you could write it like: "I had dinner with him last night." If you put the quotation marks, it would be easier to understand that someone is actually saying this.

She allowed the words to slip out of her mouth like ribbons,
cerulean silk,

Alert! Alert! This line was way too long for the rest of the poem. You could break it up and write it like so:

She allowed the words,
to slip out of her mouth like ribbons,
cerulean silk,

with forgotten (Comma) frayed ends-
spoken to a person there but not there

Here, the flow seemed a little... off? I thought you could add a bit and write it like:

with forgotten, frayed ends-
spoken to a person who was,
there, but not there.

at least not yet or not at all
or maybe she doesn't know that he's dead,
but she does, doesn't she, she has to
he's been dead for ten years,

This part sounded a lot like two people were talking to each other. Maybe you could put these in quotation marks too so it actually seems like a conversation?

nothing left of him but
sepia-tone pictures,
hollow bones
and a full plate on the dinner table.

I liked your ending. But, it was only then that I realized the connection between the title and the poem. XD I liked it. Been a long time since I reviewed. Also, sorry for completely butchering your poem. And yeah, that wasn't one or two Nitpicks was it? XD Sorry. But, yeah, great poem!

~HPR~

Ah, what an interesting idea indeed! I had to read this through a couple times after the first initial read simply because of the way in which the end sort of back-tracked and made the whole poem seem very sinister. Ominous, if you will. A very haunting piece of poetry.

Which is probably why I liked it so much.

You are clever. Its one of the things I've noticed with your writing, especially in your poetry, like the piece I reviewed prior to this. Though not particularly up my alley, it took a lot of, shall we say, guts to not only write something without structure when deemed poetry, but to post it as well. Its something to be admired and an amiable trait for any budding writer, or in this case, poet.

As it goes, I like this and I like you as a writer. Your diction is smooth and the flow is swift but not overly hard, which make this feel almost whimsical. Breath-like, in quality, as if revealing rather than simply stating. Another very interesting quality, and a good one when faced with subject matter like this, so, again, I applaud.

What I will say, is that you have quite a bit of conjecture going on, as if back-tracking your thoughts for certain purposes. For example;

spoken to a person there but not there
at least not yet or not at all
or maybe she doesn't know that he's dead,
but she does, doesn't she, she has to-

Though useful in bringing up the last bit of information in the poem, this makes not only the narrator in general, but you as a writer feel unsure about what you're trying to put across. As if you, yourself, do not know that this person is dead. After all, the writer who writes usually has a reason for writing, and the narrators voice should be, when telling something of a narrative quality, a more impacting, assured voice. That way, when we read, we get the point. We see exactly what you're trying to get across rather than sort of second guessing you rather than the woman, sitting at that table.

I feel that that space could have been used for something a little more heartfelt, or a little less open-ended. Its not those lines that made this haunting, or interesting at all, to say the least. What was before and what was after made the poem strong, so maybe take a look at those four lines as a whole.

Other than that, I really have no qualms against this poem. You've got a talent for telling a story, and a talent, in that, for writing a good piece of narrative poetry (which is what I felt this was). You've got many years of practice to come and, in time, you will be fantastic.

Keep writing. I'm quite intrigued with your work, to say the least.

~Walker

Alright!

So. This was pretty good. You have a nice taste for imagery; phrases like "cerulean silk,/with forgotten frayed ends" evoke strong mental portraits of what is going on, and that's awesome.

That aside, however, I didn't find that this poem held much weight. As Dreamwalker mentioned, the whole "he's there but he's not there and he's dead but is he?" thing makes your poem altogether difficult to read, and - as I think Dreamwalker again mentioned - establishes something of an uncertainty on your part. Whether or not you are uncertain, that's for you alone to recognize, but the poem certainly points positive.

It was a good premise; that praise I must accord you. It was the orchestration of this premise that I didn't particularly like. If the foundation of your poem is having dinner with a dead guy (even if it is metaphorical), focus on that! Meandering through hazy speculation won't do either of us much good in the end.

My suggestion, then, would be to stretch the metaphor. Poetry is about the present, so give me the present. What are you eating? What is the lighting? What are you talking about? Are you talking? Give me some idea about what it is you're going on about. If you want me to commiserate, give me some solid ground on which to do it. Know what I'm getting at?

All things considered, this wasn't bad, but it wasn't awesome, either. If you have any questions about what the heck I was talking about, shoot me a PM.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka