Young Writers Society

She sings as you fall
And as your limbs sprawl

Don't look at those angels,
Whom sing with the tide; or
you're lucky to live
When the oceans have died.

Your tears will be shed,
Because one child had said:

'She heard me
And fooled me.
She's not really there.
She's not truly listening,
She don't even care.'

You'll first notice eyes;
The colour of sea, and
A lurid tail -
Where legs should be.

And once you've gone...
Down,
Down, down;
It's too late, 'cos
now you've drowned.

I actually really like this. One of my favorite movies is Ariel and that's how this interested me. Many people make mermaids look kind of "little kiddy", meaning kind of stupid. I like this because I think it's funny how mermaids are all seductive and mysterious and men are drawn into them! XD It's very good and flows perfectly.

Also, in the italics where the mermaid is singing can you make that clear that it's the mermaid's song. It kind of confused me towards the beginning but now I understand. Beautiful job! I plan to read more of your excellent poetry .

Nice! I enjoyed this. When I think about mermaids, I don't think about the kiddy, silly creations, but the dark, seductive, evil killer mermaids. 'Tis true. I just wish this poem were a lot darker (a lot more imagery about how they suck you down, etc.). But that's just me. I really want to write my own version of this now! You've inspired me!

But good job, I love the topic, especially supernatural stuff.

Keep on writing!

It was good, just in a few places the lines didn't seem to balance.

you're lucky to live
When the oceans have died.

These two lines here don't really make sense, I don't see them fitting with the rest of the poem, it's like you forced them down onto the page.

and
A lurid tail -
Where legs should be.

It's too late, 'cos
now you've drowned.

In these two parts of the poem, the lines don't seem to fit, the words are off-balance and the syllables are off.

All in all a good poem, a very well-done one. Keep Writing!

This is good. You have good writing skills, but needs work like what the last post said the words are off balance and the syllables are kind of off but keep writing you'll get there.

Hai dear.

I don't know you but it's never to late to make new friends so? Thanks for the review request, I love reviewing poetry, mind you, I'm not the strongest at writing it but I know what I'm supposed to look for, so don't get worried

When it comes to poetry, I normally go stanza by stanza, then do a general re-run, then I'll end up with final comments, and a wad of my advice, sound good?

So---> The review shall we?

Emmzziee wrote:She sings as you fall
And as your limbs sprawl

Alright, now we're starting off a little unclear. First of all you tell us she's falling. Then her limbs are sprawling. But what's happening inbetween? What has she fallen off? A cliff? It's almost like, you cut off the beginning of the poem and brought us in half way. Now, I know, some poeple can master the idea of keeping the past hidden but here it almost reads wrong like you deliberately left us out of something that has led us to where we are now. I think, for starting this poem off, you need better first lines. As far as your rhyming goes, don't force two words to come together, the important thing with poetry is, that it all has a flow. I kind of like describing poetry like the tide. It comes in and out, slowly and peacefully *most of the time* and thats how your poetry should sound, unforced, clear and beautifully connected. Now there's nothign wrong with these two lines, apart from what I've explained above, but I think you tried to push them together when they don't want to go. Like pushing to equal sides of a magnetic together. I'm being awfully harsh here, I know, but I might as well be honest.


Don't look at those angels,
Whom sing with the tide; or
you're lucky to live
When the oceans have died.

First of all, you've got either a typo or a grammar problem.

Whom sing with the tide.

It needs to be who.Whom clearly doesn't fit here and again sounds incredibly forced apart from the fact it's incorrect to be placed here. About the meaning of this stanza. WHAT?So many questions;
-How do oceans die?
-How are you lucky to live when angels sing?
- How do angels sing with the tide? Can the tide sing?
-Why can't we look?

This stanza is just so unclear and darn right confusing. I don't really understand what you're are even trying to say, at all. I'm kind of getting the vibe that you're trying to hard to get the poem right, when if you just let your mind flow on paper, then this would sound so much better and might actually make sense. I think, you're trying to hard to match up sounds, to fill in the length of your stanza's and to add in a glimpse of mystery. Well you can't do all of this. Poetry should never come across as hard, or too much effort and that's exactly what this stanza reads like. Apart from me not understanding it, I don't really like it. It's jsut taking up time and space and a lot of our brain to try and figure out what it is you're trying to say.

Your tears will be shed,
Because one child had said:

Because one child had said:

Shouldn't this be has?

'She heard me
And fooled me.
She's not really there.
She's not truly listening,
She don't even care.'

Now here, I'm thinking; Why would tears be shed because one kid said that something/someoneisn't there or doesn't care? This stanza also comes across quite forced, like you don't really know what you mean yourself but come up with anythign that will look/sound good. It's so important to have that flow and above all to be clear. I'm really lost here. I'm not sure how I can help, but every stanza seems to be going on about something different, like you forget what you've written five seconds ago. None of them seem connected in any way at all. Tell us why things, happen, how they happen, when they happen because there is far too many un-answered questions in the poem already which is never good. Yet, anyway.

You'll first notice eyes;
The colour of sea, and
A lurid tail -
Where legs should be.

Here is a perfect example to show you what I mean. In the stanza before this you were talking about why a little child would make someone cry or something and here you're saying that you'll *[i]first notice eyes and the colour of the sea. *First implies that this someone has been looking for something. How? You never let us in on that? Why? Why is someone looking? Why will they notice? How? How is there a lurid tail? Let us in on all of this. It's far to vaque and choppy for a poem. I'm getting more and more confused as I go along. You need to connect each verse, make us see what you see. Make us feel what this someone feels. We don't even know who this narrator is talking about? A little boy/girl? A man/woman? A frog/turtle? So far I can't remember one peice of exact information given.

And once you've gone...
Down,
Down, down;
It's too late, 'cos
now you've drowned.

This is probably my favorite verse. I still don't understand anything in the slightest but I like the concept of it. You worded it well, it had a flow and that extra something that the other stanza's didn't have. This is the kind of thign you needed to have all the way through; you just proved to me that you can write. That poetry is your thing. You just rushed this and din't the time to think properly.I really like this, honestly, this verse is, being terrible here , the only one I liked.

General re-run.

Have you noticed that your topic; Mermaids we know through your title, wasn't mentioned once throughout the entire poem? We can only guess but still cannot be sure. You mention somethign about tails where legs should be but, that could be anything; a dolphin eating up a human? Do you see what I mean? I think you've forgotten that we aren't in your head. We don't know what you know, what you've got going on in your head. Everything might make sense to you but that's because it's your poem. You wrote it. Poetry is beautiful. I would love to be able to write poetry, my attempts are far from good. In saying that, you have got an idea here and you ahve shown me you can write by the last stanza but you haven't shown me in the rest of them. The stanza's weren't/aren't connected, they don't seem to have a similar topic each time and everything is a blur. I'd love to see what you can do with this theme, so I would suggest re-writing btu keeping the last verse. (I really liked it) Overall, you do have talent, you just didn't use it all that well. So don't get down heartened, editing is all part of the process.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, remember I'm only ebing honest to help you improve!

Suggestions.
- Read it over
- Remember when re-writing to;
~ Make sure it makes sense
~ Make sure each verse runs from one to the other
~Make sure that you give clear, imformation and don't make us confused.
~Make it as simple and beautiful as you can.

Good luck with editing and best of luck in the future!

Thanks again for the request,

Kagi

No, yes, I agree; after re-reading my poem I realise that it's actually pretty rubbish However... it actually won't let me delete it? :O

I liekd it! It had a good flow and somewhat haunting feeling. The only things that distrupted the smooth feel was...

She don't even care.' {/quote]

It just seemed like a different style of wording amid a somewhat more aluring verse. Maybe replace it with something more melodic. The only other snag for me was the ending. It seemed kind of rushed, and again the wording of it just threw me off a little.

And once you've gone...
Down,
Down, down;
It's too late, 'cos
now you've drowned.

I liked the first three lines, but the last two just seemed a little off. Well, that was it for me! Overall I enjoyed your piece! Keep it up!

<..> Kat

God you are so great. Where do I begin?

Hello there!
I think your poem is really nice. It's a common thought, but not many wright it, I guess.It's not like I have enough time to read. What I want to say is that the title really attracted me - because I like mermaids.

There are a few things I believe you could fix:
She don't even care.'
instead of (don't) I think you should put (doesn't)

I think that's all. Other than that I think it's great! I like the way it sounded too. keep up the good work.