Young Writers Society

What's happened during Zoey's life in this novel so far:








Zoey - Continued

With my eyes shut, I prepared for whatever was to happen next. A banging noise: the sound of a car door closing. Footsteps. They were nearing me, every step echoing into my ears. A man stood above me, his breath heavy. I lifted one of my eyelids up a little. In front of me was a tall figure, but all that I could see form where I was sitting were his hands in his pockets. I swallowed hard. One... Two... Three!
Jumping to my feet, I didn't even glance at the figure in front of me. The blood pulsated through my head like a uncontrollable waterfall. I could almost hear it splashing everywhere as I sprinted into any direction, so long as it wasn't near the car and the stranger.
"Zoey! Hey! Stop!"
I froze in the middle of the road. I knew that voice... I could recognise it. Every bone in my body relaxed as I looked back at where I had been previously sitting. I exhaled heavily.
"Luke?" I stared at my brother. "What? What are you doing here?"
I couldn't believe it. Just when I thought I was dead, something good actually happened. Wow, I was lucky... I gazed at my brother's face a good few yards ahead of me, and his light eyes stared back into mine. It was him. It was really him. I mentally thanked God as I toddled towards my brother.
"What am I doing here?" he said, his hands in his work uniform's pocket. "What are you doing here? I always pass by here on my home from work, Zo. It's blooming normal for me to be here."
All that I could do was gaze at him and stammer. Should I have told him the truth? Told him everything about Aimee? She'd have killed me. What else was I supposed to say though? I hardly wanted him to think I belonged in the loony bin. No, I had to tell him. I didn't really have a choice.
"Here," Luke said, nodding back at his car. "Come into the car with me. You look freezing."
I simply nodded as a few more stammers escaped my mouth. "But why... You're here... Why are you...?" What was wrong with me?
Luke had only bought his car a few months ago, but it was the oldest thing I'd ever seen. He'd bought it from some second hand car shop for as cheap as possible, and it certainly showed too. All of the paint had practically been scraped off and one of the windows couldn't even open or close.
Luke took my hand and lifted me to my feet. After wrapping his warm arms around me, he pulled me towards the car. He opened the door, allowing me to step in rather shakily, and he was soon letting himself in through the driver's side. The car's engine was still running with the exhaust sending out a couple of loud hisses and bangs now and then.
"Do you want something to drink, Zo? Something warm?" he asked, pressing his foot down on the accelerator.
The car jolted forward, making me jump. Luke glanced at me with a look of worry in his light eyes. I needed to pull myself together. Everything was going to be fine.
"Uh, yeah..." I replied. "Yeah, please."
"I definitely wasn't expecting to see you on my way home from my mate's house. Listen, I'll take you back to mine; it's only a five minute drive from here." He started tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. "Besides, it doesn't look like you need a telling off by Mum and Dad right now..."
Luke formed a warm smile on his face, allowing for my mind to relax a little. There was still a pile of anxiety in the pit of my stomach though, making me feel sick.
What was wrong with me? I glanced down at my hands to see them shaking as the light of the car enhanced the sweat on them. This was Aimee's fault. She'd gotten me into a state like this. If she wasn't so irresponsible, I never would have been out here in the first place. As Luke began to drive, it made my body look as though it was shaking even more. I pressed myself down in the seat, hoping that it would somehow control my trembling. I despised what situations like this did to me.
The car made a sudden splattering noise, it jerked forward, then came to a silent halt. Luke insulted the car as though it was a living thing, then turned his keys and tried to start it back up again. With another jerk and some more splattering, it was moving again.
"You're so tight," I muttered as the car almost fell down a pothole. "Why couldn't you buy a better car?"
My brother let out a light chuckle as he leaned back in his seat a little. The car jerked again. Another pothole. I was beginning to regret getting into this shed of a machine. I grasped onto the seat and my nails dug into the lumpy fabric.
"Why buy something flashy when you can get something just as good, but cheaper?" Luke smiled.
Just as good? This car was basically a death trap. I felt sick as it was, so jerking up and down every few minutes only made my stomach flip even more. Aimee better have hurt herself or something, otherwise this entire journey would feel entirely pointless.
"This may seem like a wild idea to you, Luke, but maybe because buying something decent is a good way to stop yourself from getting killed."
This time, he laughed more loudly. As he halted the car at a traffic light, he shrugged. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. At least the car had stopped.
Luke kept on shifting his eyes to me as we drove, forcing me to turn my eyes to the window every time he did so. Dark colours swished past my eyes as we continued driving. As well as the murky windows, the speed of the car never allowed me to get a chance to inspect my surroundings. Vague colours flew past my eyes, only disturbing the sickly feeling at the pit of my stomach. My mind raced back to Aimee. I know I'd been saying how I hoped she was hurt due to the fact it was because of her all of this had happened, but in reality, I was scared to death for her. I tried my best to ignore the scenarios I was imagining in my head right now.
The car's radio was playing, but the noise coming out of it sounded like a never ending round of mumbles. I glanced at it and bit my lip. I shifted my eyes to Luke for a second before stretching for the radio's volume. I turned it down from nine to eight. My brother looked at me, tilting his head as his badly groomed eyebrows raised.
"It was on an odd number," I mumbled.
Luke kept his eyes on me with a slight smirk on his face. Not wanting to look at his face for much longer, I turned my attention back to the cold window.
When the car came to a stop, the low hum of the engine was replaced by a heart wrenching silence. Luke glanced at me, and then lowered his hands down from the steering wheel.
"Come inside," he said. He smiled as he nodded at the small terraced house before us.
Trying my best to compose myself, I nodded and pushed the car door open. As I stepped outside, I was immediately welcomed by Luke's hand reaching out to grab my own. I felt like a little kid. Nonetheless, I took hold of his hand. I grasped it tighter than I'd intended.
My hand still in his, Luke led me to the pavement outside his flat. The concrete floor was wet as the lights from the street lamps illuminated the ground around us. I stepped over a deep puddle before accidently kicking some of the water from it ahead of me. The tip of my shoe was soaked. Stupid thing. I squeezed Luke's hand, nudging myself closer towards him.
My brother led me into his front garden. We stepped over some bushes that were worse for wear and it wasn't long until we were both standing outside his tall front door. Telling me to stay where I was, he reached into his pocket and brought out a huge set of keys. He scanned through them, clearly unsure of what key he was looking for. He shoved one of them into the door's lock, but it failed to open the door itself. He soon tried another one. Then another. His lack of organisation skills made me feel on edge as I watched him. Four keys later, he was successful. Turning the correct key, he simultaneously pushed the door.
The light from the bottom floor hallway almost blinded me as I stepped inside. The warmth from the building felt as though it was hugging me and it gave me a surprising amount of comfort. The hallways itself wasn't exactly decorated as such. The walls were painted a dull colour, although I didn't think the yellowish green tint they had on them came from the paint. I clenched my jaw, ignoring the wet dog smell and the general mess of the building. With my hand still in Luke's, he took me into the kitchen at the end of the hallway. I was soon sitting down at the round table inside.
"Do you want tea?" Luke asked as he leaned against one of the counters. "Coffee?"
"I don't mind," I replied, looking at my hands.
Luke clicked his tongue, leaving me to sit awkwardly on the small kitchen chair. He was soon wandering back towards me with two cups of tea. He sat down opposite me.
"Zoey, what's this all about?" Luke's eyes were digging into mine.
I had to tell him. Looking anywhere but at Luke's face, I told him everything that had happened previously tonight, and as the story went on, Luke's smile become smaller and smaller. We were soon making our way back towards the car.
"I can't believe this." Luke slammed his car door shut as I pulled the seatbelt across my chest. "She is such a... such a... willy." He sighed. "Come on, I'll get you home then. Aimee better be back there because I'm not wasting my time looking for her."
For the first time tonight, I let out a laugh. Luke was mumbling to himself as he started the car, and when he reversed out of the parking space outside his house, it was as though he was on some kind of violent rampage.
I'd managed to compose myself by now. The realisation of how ridiculous I'd behaved earlier was finally sinking in. I should have just stayed in the house, stayed with what I was used to and what was comfortable for me. What was even more ridiculous was the way I'd gotten myself into some kind of panic, wandering back and forth in the middle of an unknown neighbourhood. If I'd have had any sense, I would have used my brain and realised that I could have easily found a payphone or something somewhere.
"Where does her boyfriend live?" Luke asked, tapping the steering wheel rather aggressively.
"I don't know, she didn't say."
"Well, what's his name?"
"I don't know."
Luke shook his head, a sigh leaving his mouth. Why hadn't I asked Aimee any of this? I hadn't even asked for the boy's name, let alone where he lived. All that I knew was that he lived in Amber Fountains. Where exactly, I had no idea.
"I'm going to rip his ugly head off his gangly little neck." Luke stopped the car as the traffic light in front of us turned a blood red. "Don't get me started on her."
Despite never meeting or seeing this boy, Luke obviously assumed that Aimee's boyfriend had a gangly neck as well as an ugly head--not that I was sure what that meant exactly. I smiled lightly.
I rested my head against the icy window and shut my eyes for a moment. The sound of my heartbeat was relaxing, and it was just able to put my mind at ease. My cheeks reddened as I remembered the state I was in a short hour or so ago. With my eyelids shut, I allowed my mind to drift, my breathing gradually becoming lighter. The sound of the car engine eventually disappeared, along with Luke's angry mumbling.
"Zoey?" A whisper. "Hey, Zo?"
There was a humming noise. The car's engine? Yawning, I opened my eyes after stretching out my legs in the little space that I had. Through blurred eyes, I could see my house outside of the car window. I sat myself up in the car's passenger seat and then clicked my seatbelt loose. It sprung up, stopping abruptly when it reached the top of the car.
"We're here." I glanced to the side to see Luke pulling the keys out of the car.
The second he did so, the humming noise disappeared. It must have been the engine then. Luke smiled at me lightly as he opened his car door.
With all of my senses returning at once, I sat up straight and grasped the car's door handle. I left the car and followed Luke as he jogged up the driveway. I was crossing my fingers, hoping that Luke would be a wonderful brother and not mention any of this to my parents. Even if he was planning on telling them, I was sure I'd be able to convince him not to do so. Give him a guilt trip or something... somehow.
I was shocked to find that when Luke opened the front door, it did exactly that. Open. My parents always locked the front door. I bit down on my lip. I hadn't left it unlocked, had I? I couldn't remember. What was happening to me all of a sudden? I didn't forget things, especially things as important as locking doors.
More silent than I thought was possible, I entered my house behind Luke. I feared closing the door behind me in case of waking someone up. We both froze in the dark hallway. Voices? Luke appeared to be just as baffled as me. My parents hadn't noticed that I was gone, had they? Oh my God, they were going to kill me. Luke dropped his keys onto the stairs and looked at me, raising his eyebrows.
After rubbing my shoes on the indoor mat, I pulled them off my feet and dropped them neatly onto the shoe rack. The voices appeared to be coming from my kitchen. Luke and I both tip-toed towards my kitchen door, passing all of the exotic plants my mum had collected over the years in the narrow hallway. Then I opened the kitchen door.
My mouth was open, preparing to come up with some excuse for me going out when I closed it. Sitting silently at the table was my mum and dad. My dad looked up at Luke and me. My mum did nothing. Her attention was fixed on the oven built into one of the kitchen units and her eyes were deeply bloodshot. There were teardrops racing down her cheeks and there was a thick piece of hair covering her left eye, but I didn't even think she noticed it. She simply let it hang there. Her lip quivered.
"Zoey..." my mum almost whispered. "You're... you're okay..." I thought I say her lips curve upwards for a moment, but it wasn't long until they lowered again.
Whatever she was planning on saying next was never said. Instead, her voice was turned into a trembling mess. The tears fell quicker as she lifted her hand to her mouth. No one else said a word.
My dad glanced at my mum, mouthing something. She nodded, her eyes not even moving an ounce to look at him. My dad's matched my mum's--bloodshot and wet--but the one difference was that his looked distant, almost lost. All that I could do was gaze at my parents.
"What's going on?" Luke asked. He looked at my dad. "Dad?"
Still, no one said a word. My dad glanced at my mum again as he swallowed hard. The only sound was of my mother's sobbing, each muffled word she spoke piercing into me. My dad stood up and shuffled past the washing machine. He was heading towards us. My mum whimpered.
"Dad?" Luke tried again.
My dad grabbed Luke's arm and gently pulled him aside. Why did he do that? What was going on? They hadn't even asked me why I was awake, let alone why Luke was here, not at his flat. Didn't they notice or care? I watched my dad and my brother, but failed to hear was being said. I glanced at my mum, who was mumbling something to herself.
"Can't be... everything we... just... just can't..." I could only make out random words, and none of them seemed to fit together at all.
"No! That's impossible!"
I shot my head back to my dad and brother. Luke was staring, maybe even glaring at my dad. My dad reached out to hold his arm, but Luke nudged it out of the way. What in God's name...?
"Luke?" I turned to my dad. "What's going on?"
Still, no one answered me. Mind you, no one really got the chance.
"No!" Luke yelled, his eyes locked onto my dad. His voice lowered into a whisper. "Your'e lying... You are... You have to be..." They yelling soon returned. "What the hell?"
Why was he speaking like that to my dad? Luke wasn't like that. His harsh words felt like a spear piercing my heart, leaving me speechless. As my brother spat the words out of his mouth, my mother's sobs became louder, her hand now trembling over her mouth. My dad reached for my brother's arm again, but this time, Luke shoved it away far more aggressively.
"What's going on?" I yelled this time as I held back confused tears.
"Son, you're scaring your sister!" my dad hissed at Luke.
Luke pushed my dad out of the way and stood above the kitchen table. My dad told him to calm down, but Luke didn't listen. I could feel my own eyes filling with water now, but I didn't even have a clue what was going on. I looked back at Luke to see him glaring at my mum.
"You're lying, you both are. Let me see her," he demanded as he turned back to face my dad. "No way is she..." Luke's voice trailed off as he shook his head.
"Luke, please don't.... Please..." My mum glanced at my dad, but her eyes remained distant.
"Just let me see her!" Luke shouted, this time. "I'm coming with you then!"
"Be quiet, boy! You're not going anywhere!" my dad bellowed, resulting in a horrible silence.
My dad's mouth closed and his lips quivered after realising how harsh his tone had sounded. I stared at my family, biting my lip. At least Luke had stopped shouting. Instead, he breathed out heavily and clenched his jaw, grasping onto the top of one of the kitchen chairs.
"Can someone just tell me what's going on?" I begged.
"I'll do it." He nodded at the kitchen door. "Come into the hallway." Luke's voice was blunt. He lifted his hands from the chair and before I knew it, he'd left the room.
I didn't follow. I glanced back and forth at my parents. My mum was just staring down at her lap, so I decided to keep my eyes on my dad. He nodded, looking at the door Luke had just left through. Go on, he mouthed.
I caught one last glimpse of my parents as I left the room. Closing the door behind me, I saw Luke's figure leaning against the staircase in the darkness. He ran his hand through his hair before noticing I'd come outside.
"Luke... What's...? What's going on? Why did you just do that? What's wrong with mum and dad? Why? What...?" I asked quietly.
"Zoey, what time was it when you lost sight of Aimee? Where were you? Were you where I found you?" Luke ignored my questions and asked his own as he stepped towards me.
"Why?" I searched his face in hope of finding an explanation. "Why does it matter?"
Luke said nothing, his lips pressed into a thin line. I could hear his heart thundering in his chest, matching my own. His usually tidy fringe was messily pushed off his forehead. The rest of his copper hair was just as untidy. Luke glanced back at the kitchen door before taking me into the living room. He remained silent as he did so.
Luke didn't bother to switch the wall light on, so the only form of light we had was coming weakly from the lamp in he corner of the room. Everything was turned off, just like it should have been in the middle of the night. It didn't feel right though, not at all. The silence and lack of life sliced a sharp pain through my emotions.
"Luke?" I asked, turning to him as my eyes begged for an answer to everything. "Please, just tell me..."
"It's... It's Aimee." His voice was weak as he leaned back on the sofa. "She's, well, something's happened."
My brother sounded a lot calmer than a mere few seconds ago. His voice almost sounded emotionless now - hard. To put it bluntly, it scared me. I thought about what he'd just said. Something's happened. Like what? Why wouldn't he just tell me? She hadn't been badly hurt, had she? What if she'd been arrested for something? I told her not to go to that stupid place. Why hadn't she listened, just this once? She never did bloody listen.
"She's been stabbed." The words shot out of Luke's mouth like bullets and embedded themselves into my tired head.
"What? How? Oh my God! Is she okay?" I jumped up. "Why aren't we in the hospital with her? She must be... She must be terrifie--"
"No, Zoey, you don't..." He sighed, running his hand through his hair once more. "You don't understand."
I didn't understand? What was there to understand? Aimee had been a complete idiot, gone to probably the roughest neighbourhood in Britain, and gotten herself into deep trouble. If she'd have just stopped and thought.
"Zoey, she's dead."
No. No, she wasn't.
I'd spoken to her just a few hours ago. I'd seen her, I'd smelt her sweet perfume, I'd listened to her soft voice. She couldn't be dead. Not my sister. Not Aimee.
I'd never had the feeling of my body shutting down before, but I had a pretty good idea now. Luke was saying something, his words sickeningly soft, not that it mattered. They were just noises - a buzzing sound in my ears. The darkness of the room was closing in on me, choking me.
We were planning on going shopping tomorrow; Aimee wanted to buy some new black leggings. How could we do that if she was... No. We were going to go shopping tomorrow, we were. My chest felt tight as I stared at Luke and my mouth was completely. I couldn't say a word without it making me feel sick.
"No, what are you on about?" I blurted. "I saw her... I just saw her a few hous ago. How do they even know it's her? I mean, it could be anyo-"
"Zoey, she had her purse. It has all of her contact information in it. Her I.D card, her debit card. It's... It's her. The police called mum half an hour ago. They found her in some park in Amber Fountains. Dad's going to..." Luke looked down. "He's going to the police station now to make sure... make sure it's her."
For the second time tonight, I felt my eyes stinging. Every inch of my body was limp, partly from tiredness and partly from my emotions going into overdrive. It could have been a mistake. Someone might have taken her purse... stolen it. The girl they'd found could have just looked like Aimee, and they happened to have stolen her purse. It could have happened... It could have.
As suddenly as the news had hit me, memories flooded my mind. I'd never see Aimee again... I'd never shout at her for messing up my make-up collection, or talk to her about how some idiot boyfriend had ripped my heart apart. Never again would I listen to her wild stories, most of which I hardly ever believed. I whimpered like my mum had done earlier.
Then I cried. The tears were powerful, stinging my cheeks as they fell. I couldn't think straight, and it didn't even feel like I could breathe properly. The water from my eyes was cold against my boiling skin as my lip quivered. The rest of me had no clue what to do. If I'd have asked a simple question - asked for her boyfriend's name - things could have been different. Then a million questions hit me.
"Who was with her? How did they find her? Do they... Who did it?"
"No one... Dad said she was on her own," Luke replied flatly. "But someone called. For an ambulance, that is. It was from a payphone though, Zo. They don't know who it was, just that it was guy. And I don't know. They'll find out, don't worry. I know they will." There was noticeable determination in his coarse voice. "I'll kill the damn guy."
Neither of us said a word then; we both appeared to be lost in something. I myself was lost in my thoughts, almost drowning in them. Luke's eyebrows were furrowed and the tears in his eyes were hard, showing nothing but anger.
"I'll kill him..."
I had so many questions racing through my mind, almost bursting out of my mouth, but I had to hold them back. I needed to understand my thoughts myself before letting them out. Luke was silent, his jaw clenched and his body motionless. The only thing moving were his hands which were rubbing his knees in a rhythmic fashion.
Maybe this was a dream. Maybe everything I was seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling right now was in my imagination. Things like this didn't happen in real life, only on the television. How could it happen to me? To my family? To Aimee? My sister was strong. Some stupid little blade couldn't hurt her, not the Aimee I knew. She was fine. She had to be... She'd promised to make my sixteenth birthday memorable, that she'd do the best she could to embarrass me. Aimee never broke her promises.



Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART FIVE)

Hey Skins. I am back!



My first critique would be that when Zoey sees her brother all you tell us is that she stammers. Of course even when you stammer you have some words, and I think you should have shown us. Maybe she trying something to speak could have been presented in a stammer. Just saying she was stammering made me feel bit weird about this whole thing. Don't add much, I am warning you, that would take out the fun from the whole freezing situation, but do give this poor girl some dialog, even if she stammers in them. Repeating. You did it again with the word 'shaking'. There's a paragraph around here when she is shaking in the car, and you have used the word thrice. So you might wanna fix it with synonyms of the word-like, tremble?

Her attention was fixed on the fruit bowl in the middle of the table and her eyes were deeply bloodshot.

This was weird. If she was looking at the fruit bowl, then I guess her eyes were fixated downwards. So how could Zoey probably make out how her mom's eyes looked. She'd have to see them, to make this decision. You could keep the eyes on the fruit bowl thing and in between looking up. I am saying this in huge detail because at some other point you talk about her mom's red eyes, so it would seem weird. Maybe I am just going too far, but this what I felt. So just fix this.

My small other nit-pick would be that in the end Zoey says that her sister was very strong and a small blade couldn't have killed her. But my objection would be that never till now was Zoey told that what had hit her sister. Stabbing does mean to be attacked with some pointy weapon, but she couldn't say 'blade' with such confidence. You either need to tell that she knows it killed her sister, or either make that in one of the dialog, or otherwise use some other weapon to with etc.

It's weird but I don't have much to say. I like the plot so far, and this chapter was surely grilling. But what I'd like to see more was the description of the character. Not much, but a little bit of how her brother looked, or how exactly her mom looked disturbed other than she had bloodshot eyes. Maybe her hair was ruffled, strands were out of place or something. Small things should be shown into effect. Also, I don't know how her father seemed like. He was lost. But could you tell us more. If it had been me writing this, maybe I'd have over-done with describing the parents' looks, as you know I always do. What I think right now is that you should concentrate more on the second part of this piece, bring in more of emotions. Maybe somebody was crying. I mean, either of the parents. But even if you don't do this in detail, I guess it's going fine. But I just felt like suggesting.

Anyways, you're truly talented and super fast in writing. The thing with the the typos could come into effect even if you don't have your laptop and all. You could use this site, but that's if you have internet connection from where you're writing, and I guess you do. So just go for it. Also, if not this you could go in for Google Chrome, it has an automatic spelling detector, and even if you're writing on the YWS Submit page, then you would have your errors detected. I use it, and it's good.

And here, this could be your opening line: With my eyes shut, I prepared myself for whatever was going to happen next. Better?

Best of luck,
Shubhi

Hey, Unc. How you doin'?

Some nitpicks...

COLOR CODE:
NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

Aimee better be back there because I'm not wasting my time looking for her for her.

"Zoey..." my mum almost whispered.<space>"You're... you're okay..."

"What's going on?!" I yelled this time as I held back confused tears.

>> I just hope here, you choose one punctuation. It's pretty obvious she would have screamed the question, 'cause she'd said so.

I couldn't think straight, and it didn't even feel like I could breathe properly.<space>The water from my eyes was cold against my boiling skin as my lip quivered.

"No one... Dad said she was on her own," Luke replied flatly.

Maybe this was a dream.

OVERALL

Oh, when they were entering the supermarket, I was wondering: Why was it a locked door? If it's a supermarket, I'm pretty sure the office, where the workers rest and so, is located somewhere around the building and has a gate. I'm not so sure if supermarkets in England are like that, but here in Phils, supermarket has high security. I mean, I know it would be different in another country, but I don't know why, I'm sure there must have been guards there, or so; Luke, even though he was a worker, probably had to show his ID and not have his own keys to the store. Probably also, Zoey, though his sister, wouldn't be allowed. I remember once, when my dad and I were to talk to the manager of a supermarket to ask what papers were needed to import a product, I had to stay outside the gates while my dad goes up the building to the office. Supermarkets has high security.

Another thing, was the supermarket 24 hours open? I don't know a supermarket who opens up for 24/7. But maybe it's different there in your place. My point is just, from what I've read, I came up with a conclusion that Luke is nightshift. And his work wasn't really clear. It feels like time passed by so fast when he was with Zoey. Maybe I just didn't get it. Or it's just different from here.

Anyway, about the style: so this was flawless -- except for those typos. The tone is good. The events were realistic. I love the calm drive to home before the panic-inducing incident. The flow and pace was almost perfect; you kept the people waiting (I at least was so excited while I read), but in a good way, if you know what I mean.

Also, I'm still loving Zoey, I'm saying it again, I think she's 14 :p LOL Even though the way she wants everything to be in order might imply she's mature, the way she impulsively goes out at night to follow her sister without tattletaling about it to her parents instead makes her seem like a young teen. So I vote for fourteen or fifteen.

Just a funny thing I want to mention: Charlie seemed to have liked her sister. Awww... LOL And I just can't wait to know: Is Zoey as pretty as her sister? Ooh... now, when Charlie and Zoey meets, I want this to be a love story somehow. LOL Or maybe, it's a friendship thing, eh? Okay, fine. I'll wait. This was a good read. And because I liked it so much, and was so hooked by it, I keep on blabbering. This must be my longest blabber review yet! (If you hadn't noticed, I'm more of a nitpicker. LOL -- in grammar.)

Anyway, nice job Unc Skinso! You keep getting better and better. I've followed your writings: from Shot of Arrogance, to Can You See Me, to this... just wow. KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥

Alright, Freak. I'm here. :3

So my review isn't exactly going to be a long one in this case, just a short overview of what I thought while reading this. I don't have many pointers to give out either because as far as I know, your writing is flowing nice and steadily over the chapters. What I like about that is it's not too slow but it's got enough action to keep my interest from derailing. Right when I think I might fall out, you pull me back in with something different. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about but just...well, keep doing what you're doing.

Anyway, this was a nice introduction to the brother character. However I do think you should have mentioned something about him in the previous chapter because it comes as a surprise in here. Did you mention it in the other previous part? I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to go and check for it. =( Anyway, I think he's a bit weird...Like, he seems more of a friend than a brother but it could just be me and the fact that I don't know much about him yet - besides the fact that he drives a piece of crap car. -.- (Hah, Luke.)

I also noticed a few typos here and there but I don't want to point them out. I know there was one where you spelled cold as coldc and whatnot. A little reread over this and you'll probably catch them. I have the same problem. The thing is when you read your own work you're already used to the way it sounds so it's like...you're reading it but you're not really seeing it. I don't know how to explain it but it's hard to catch your own mistakes so I won't really bother you with that. Just be sure to scan this once or twice -slowly- so you catch the little things.

As for Zoey's reaction towards her sister's death, I think it should have been more fierce. I mean, if a family member dies it's like...wow. A single tear drop, however dramatic, isn't enough to show us how much she's hurting. I would think the mother would've had a breakdown or something. As for Zoey, I wish the feeling was a bit stronger. The whole denial fact was a good and created some realism. Also, Luke's reaction was very professional...I think. As for leaving his sister in the car, he should have woken her up. Since he cares about her, from what I've read, it seemed like waking her up and keeping her safe would be the first thing on his mind. After finding out his second sister was stabbed and all why leave your sister in a car outside by herself? Know what I mean?

Overall, this was a good chapter and you're still going strong. I liked your descriptions, your writing has vastly improved and I feel like clapping for you. However, there were a few times where I thought you over-did your description but it's nothing that I would worry about too much. Everyone writes differently so take this with a grain of salt. Anyway, I liked this chapter! =3

-Punk

'Allo, sir!

I'm not going to do any nit-picks because (I think) all of the typos uber-cool Welsh moments in this have already been pointed out and there aren't really oodles of flow issues or awkward sentences or anything. Plus I'm just not in the mood for nit-picking that way. Instead I'm going try a new kind of review (for me anyway): I'm going to sort of walk through the piece and talk about what I think of it. Sound good? I think so too.

I don't think you need worry about the first sentence. Firstly, I don't think it's that bad, and secondly, it's not really an opening line at all, is it? It's just a line in the middle of Chapter Two somewhere, right? It's not the most stellar line on earth, that's true, but I say don't worry about it. It's fine. ^.^

Okay. I'm not going to spend that long on every sentence. >.< So, onward. One thing I want to point out is how unlikely it is that the car would be her brother's. I mean, it's convenient for the plot... but honestly, what's the likelihood? It seems a little unrealistic to me. You don't necessarily have to change it, but maybe make it be someone who Luke works with or something rather than make it actually be him? Or you could just make Zoey be a bit more surprised.Maybe make her marvel at how lucky she was? Or maybe not, it's up to you of course. My next issue is this bit:

All that I could do was gaze at him and stammer. Should I have told him the truth? Told him everything about Aimee? She'd have killed me. What else was I supposed to say though? I hardly wanted him to think I belonged in the loony bin. I had to tell him; I didn't really have a choice.

It might just be me, but that implies that she did end up telling him, and then I was really confused when she ended up telling him later. I think you're trying to have a sort of foreshadowing... like Zoey's wondering if, had she told him then and there, Aimee would not have died. It's a noble attempt, but I don't think it needs to be tweaked. Maybe add in something that says something like "If I'd told him, would that have made a difference?" Or, if you don't want to do the whole foreshadowing thing than make this whole part be more like "I couldn't decide whether or not to tell him" in stead of "should I have told him?" Does that make any sense? If it doesn't, feel free to PM me or write on my wall or something... I don't think I'm explaining very well.

Okay, next up is the scene in the car. I found the emotions a little hard to decipher in this part. Zoey is jittery, but I can't tell if it's just because of her OCD or if it's because she's in such a frazzled mood. I guess the problem is that I don't know what her "normal" behavior is like, so I don't know if being stressed makes her OCD be stronger or weaker, you know? It seems like she's probably acting more nervous and skittish than she usually would, but I'm not sure. But good job with the development of Luke! It seems like the main point of the scene in the car is to introduce him, and you did really well on that front. He really seems to care for both of his sisters (I assume he's the oldest?) and he also has a light, easygoing personality. Also good job developing the relationship between Zoey and Luke--they seem close, but slightly awkward. I agree with Pinky in that I think you should have mentioned him sooner, but it's not a huge issue. I also wonder if he lives at home or not, but I'm assuming that will be clarified later on. Anyway, I like him. ^.^

The next part I'll comment on is when Zoey actually does tell Luke about Aimee. I'm a little unsure about what his reaction is. He's mad at her, but why? For going to Amber Fountains? I'd thought Zoey's worry about Aimee was over-the-top, like a part of her OCD, so Luke's reaction caught me off-guard. They don't actually know yet that anything bad has happened to her, right? So why all the fuss? Yeah, she's in a dangerous neighborhood... but still. That just doesn't seem that important. I would have expected Luke to say something like "gosh she's stupid. That place is dangerous." and just shake his head and wait for her to come home, not go off looking for her. He seems to rational to just try and find her. Plus, if he's less worried about her it will make her death more of a shock for him. I don't know... I guess it's up to you, because they're your characters, but this is just something that seemed inconsistent with what I know of his character. But I like how Luke's panic seems to calm Zoey... I thought that was really interesting.

The whole falling asleep in the car and being forgotten about felt unrealistic. It wasn't in fitting with Zoey's character to fall asleep in a car, and it wasn't in fitting with Luke's character to leave her there. I agree with Pinky again: this part needs some reworking. Maybe Luke and Zoey should return after the police have already told their parents? They could get home and see the police car in the driveway and maybe that's when the panic could set in?

Other than that, the only thing I had any issues with was the reaction to Aimee's death. It just seemed a little too... calm. I mean, I know different people deal differently with shock/grief, but wouldn't someone be screaming or having a tantrum? Wouldn't someone be requesting to see her body? It just felt like they all accepted it too easily. But I guess it's up to you.

Well that's all I have to say about this chapter. Overall, I thought it was really good. Good character and plot development. It's interesting because we knew from the beginning of Zoey's part of the novel that this was going to happen, so it's kind of like we've caught up with the foreshadowing. I can't wait to see what comes next! As always, let me know if you have any questions or anything. ^.^

Hope this helps.

a

Flux wrote:
I saved you especially for my eightieth review. I'd do, like, a major-er milestone like a hundred ... but who knows how long it'll be 'till I get there! Now ... onto the review! -straps on cape and jumps away-

Okay, so, I'll like, save part 5 for 100th or something! But, yes, you're another milestone called ninety! Hurrah -waves sad banner-type thing-

THE NITPICKS:

"Do you want something to drink, Zo? Something warm?" he asked, pressing his foot down on the accelerator.

The car jolted forward, making me jump. Luke glanced at me, a look of worry in his light eyes. I needed to pull myself together. Everything was going to be fine.

Make it into one paragraph -- the idea doesn't seem to differentiate too much.

I grasped onto the seat, and my nails digging into the lumpy fabric.

I think it sounds a bit better that way.

"Come on, I'll get you home then. Aimee better be back there because I'm not wasting my time, looking for her for the tonight."

[s]I hardly wanted him to think I belonged in the loony bin.

She just does. She's OCD. ;P

There were teardrops racing down her cheeks and there was a thick piece of her covering her hair left eye, but I didn't even think she noticed it.

You've gotta watch these little mistakes like these -- I understand the laziness to read things over -- I suffer from chronic "Don't Want to Read My Own Work-ed-ness", but reading it over would catch these annoything little things.


OVERALL:
So, I liked the way you ended it off and continued it. The ending obviously made us want to continue reading, and the beginning obviously drew us in. However, I think it would've been even better if you drew it out a bit more -- not, like excessive amounts, but just enough to get the blood pulsing through our veins, and get us biting our nails. And maybe instead of just immediately being like "Luke?", she should maybe be trying to make sense of who it is, maybe by describing slightly what he looked like -- tiny details of him. However, I did like the little hints you gave throughout the conversation, like the work uniform and the eye colour, as it gives us a little clearer of a sense of what Luke looks like.

Now, I can't emphasize enough how much I love her as a character. I'm used to those little weaklings with no personality -- and at first, with her shaking and jittering, I figured that might be what she was transforming into. But when she changes the volume from nine to eight, saying it was on an odd number, I quietly cheered. These quirky little attributes dfeinitely help her stand apart from other characters, and see quite unique in her own way. It helps the reader to like her a bit better.

Okay, so onto disaster mode. I think when Luke was describing to Zoey how she'd died, you should go into it ... injuring her a bit more? I guess. Make it more dramatic. I think it deserves to be so, as it's a fictional death, and this death is going to seriously effect her in the long run, driving her to meet other characters, and help to develop her character a bit more. I love Luke's character -- he's that responsible brother we all wish we had: the one who looks out for you, and is protective of his sisters. I feel as though this whole telling-about-the-death part moves quite quickly, and could be slowed down a bit to allow the readers to guess, and allow it to sink in. What both Azila and PinkShearwater said about them arriving after the police officers have come seems more realistic. That way it gives us an explanation for the lack-of police cars sitting in their driveway/ on the side of the road.

While the end of the chapter picked up the dragging feet of the center of it, you defintely could've drawn out more emotions from the characters, and from the reader as well. Make the reader feel a pang of pain, maybe -- of loss. As for the character of Aimee, I do like how she's -- was -- such a contrast from Zoey. She was a daredevil who didn't listen, and Zoey is that little girl who always listens, and cannot sleep if something is out of place in her room. I can't wait to see how the storyline continues to develop, and to see how the characters develop as well.

Keep writing (for Mr. James Fly)


-- Flux

Hey Slave,

I haven't read what the other reviewers have said so sorry if I end up repeating a couple of things. Seeing as I haven't read the last couple of chapters a couple of things were blurry but I got the basic stuff. 1, Your Main Character was lost. 2, She coincidentally met her brother on the way home 3, Aimee died or was stabbed -same difference-

So here we go.

Zoey's relationship with her brother seems very tense - like they're not siblings- and although I know she just got busted for sneaking out, you'd think there would be a bit more familiarity in their dialogue. I think you should watch brother-sister relationships, and channel it into your writing to make it more believable. You almost did it with the scene where she disses his car, but not quite.

Secondly, Why would he take her to work? Why not take her home, or somewhere else. It's a supermarket, surely there was someone still there that wouldn't necessarily allow workers to be there outside their shift times, and with non-workers...or something (I hope you're getting my point because I can't seem to properly explain myself.)

Such a willy

Really? That sort of ruins the moment, and makes him seem like a dork but it's cute. Haha. I must use those in my arguments with you.

There's a bit of confusion when they get back home, and that's completely expected and perhaps perfectly times. And Aimee's dead was a bit of a shocker. There was also an emotional bit that was really well written. Also at the end where Zoey has a bit moment of "It can't be true, no way is she dead!" shows a vulnerable side of her, which I liked. But on the whole, Zoey is probably my least liked character, I prefer Aimee and her wild ways -despite the fact she's dead- and Luke -in small doses-

Zoey seems like a bit of a wimp, first she's lost, then she's hating on odd numbers >.> xD On a more serious note, I just can't seem to connect with her.

As a whole, this was a good chapter. It had a good opening with the suspense, maybe more filler than was needed in the middle, and the big shocker at the end. I enjoyed reading it so much I read it thrice -without payment-

Hope this helped,

Anger

Hi Skins!

Thanks for the request -- I'm glad I got to this! So, I don't really have much to say concerning this part because I thought it was especially good and I like how you build character, tension, and atmosphere all that the same time; in the previous three installments, it seemed like you could only focus on one or two at a time. I did catch some of the typos, and they weren't too numerous. If you scan through the piece, I'm sure you'll find all of them easily.

In general, I like how this story is unfolding. Luke is a nice character that I would love to see more of, and Zoey is developed nicely here as well. One tiny comment, though, is that it would be nice to know how old Zoey is. I can tell she's the youngest from the way Luke acts toward her and the way she doesn't exactly have superiority when talking with Aimee (i.e. if she was the older sister, she might have been able to stop her more easily). However, in this chapter, she feels especially young, maybe thirteen or fourteen, just from her voice and the way she reacts to Aimee's death.

I didn't really like the first part of the piece and thought it was too much of a repeat of the first part of the last chapter. I suppose it adds to her character a bit, having Luke scare her like that, but all in all it just feels too similar. Also, I didn't understand how he was 'above' Zoey with his car. Was he in a parking structure? On a stair? You also never specify why he was there, so it's a bit confusing. Also, Zoey seems to give up looking for Aimee quite easily; the reason she had run off was because she had been so concerned for her sister, and she just seems to drop it and go with Luke. Does she feel uneasy about it, or is Luke's authority as an older sibling too much for her? Does she feel guilty about it afterward that she went with Luke and didn't keep looking?

This is some good stuff, Skins! I can't wait to see where you take it. As always, PM me if you have any questions or concerns!

~ Elinor

Ohh this is getting interesting. I'm like all pysched for the next chapter now. You'll have to write fast skinsy! xD
Ok so here I go with the nitty-gritty stuff.. And I'm so sorry for promising this review and not getting to it for like... forever. Forgive me stalker?! xD
Ok. Here goes;



Well the plot is really rolling now! I'm really gettin into it!! Apart from very small grammar mistakes it was pretty much perfect. Your word choice in this chapter was by far the best out of the other three but I guess things are really taking place now~WE'RE GETTING SOME ACTION MAN! xD
All through the scence when Luke told her about Aimee's stabbing I was really there the whole time. Your adjectives and description were all well-placed and seemed to really fit, they were stuck in there!
Sometimes stories like this one can be so tacky because they're so sterotypical. I hate that. It's like they're all the same, they all have this WOW it's such a shock thing and then they start crying and then they get on with their life and then they swear to remember her forever and hunt down the killer and and and.. It just goes on and it's so boring. I feel like screaming.
So I was really quite relieved with how well you handled that particuler part. It was the same but in a very different way. I can't really point out why it's different. It's something hidden but something really good. It's what made it interesting for me..
Nearer to the end it got a bit too much like a murder death cliché.
Let me explain.
How much do you read like this (below) in a murder death story.

I couldn't beleive she was dead. Not my little Sarah. She was so young. I loved her. How could she die? I should have died, I was the most guilty not her. My little three year old baby sister was innocent but she was the one who was killed. I hate the person who killed her. How could they? In cold blood, plunge a knife into my little golden haired sister's heart. It was inhuman. I looked around me at my sobbing parents and my teary-eyed brother. Our family would never be complete without her.

Now I don't mean that everyone murder story has a little three year old called Sarah in it but they're all based on the same thing..you know?! The whole not my little girl syndrome. It's so sterotypical (I Love that word,)
To the end yours got a little like that. I know it's heart to express emotion in a different way but I kind of yawned when I read the;
Not my Aimee, she couldn't be dead thing.
As I said its heart to get through how sad she is without using that isn't it? It's really difficult but I think there is a way that you Skinsy can do it. I mean if you manage to stalk practically everyone on the site with your name appearing on everyone's profile, if you can get the freakish, yellow, forever eating avatar's then you can make your charachter NOT sterotypical. xD (Bit of a rant there!)

Other then that I don't have anything else to say to you. Your imagery was good. It flowed well and fitted. Your description as I said above was really amazing and the plot was well paced, not too slow or fast.
This is getting rather good skinsy dear. You will have to pick up the pen and paper and get writing part 5. I think I'll be a bit too impatient with this chapter. I can't wait! It may include my stalking your profile forever until you post it. xD
Nad not forever maybe for a couple of months. xD
Anyhow good work and keep writing!
Kaka xox

[/user]

Hey Skinsy!

I'm such a dolt! I hadn't realised you'd posted another chapter. *sighs* I hate being away from here. But I was glad to have you grace my thread

Luke kept his eyes on me with a slight smirk on his face. Not wanting to look at his face for much longer, I turned my attention back to the coldc window.

cold.

Come on, I'll get you home then. Aimee better be back there because I'm not wasting my time looking for her for her."

haha. Quick pause, here. Pinky stole Vicks (Victoria) from you, so you took Luke?

I watched my dad and my brother, but failed to hear was being said. I glanced at my mum, who was mumbling something.

what was being said.

Why was he speaking like that to my dad?

technically, he's their dad

"What? How? Oh my God! Is she okay?" I jumped up. "Why aren't we in the hospital with her? She must be... She must be terifie--"

terrified.

We were going to go shopping tomorrow, we were. My chest felt tight as I stared at Luke, my mind sceaming at him to stop lying to me

screaming

"No, what are you on about?" I blurted. "I saw her... I just saw her a few hous ago. How do they even know it's her? I mean, it could be anyo-"

hours

I couldn't think straight, and it didn't even feel like I could breathe porperly.The water from my eyes was cold against my boiling skin as my lip quivered

properly

Well, Skinsy, that was it for the nitpicks. I know you had quite a few reviews already, and I haven't gone through them yet, so I'm sorry if I've pointed out what they already have.

I have no idea which part you had issue with, here. I loved everything about this. You kept the right amount of suspense and realism. I had an old jalopy like her brother's also: I can totally relate. I loved the emotion at the end. I love Zoe's reaction. Her complete trust in her older sister. That she can't be harmed. That she is still alive.

I do believe that the thoughts that ran through her mind were the same as mine would be. This was probably my favouritest chapter, Skinsy. Most definitely, actually.

Thank you so much for letting me know about it, hope it helped.

Tanya

Hey Skins,

I apologize for the delay once again, but I guess I'm getting quite good at delaying. This time, my excuse is that I was not feeling particularly well
I'm going to focus this review specifically on Parts 3 and 4 of your story, viewing Zoey's story independently to Charlie's.

Question 1 you want to ask yourself: What story am I telling? The one about the book being in the wrong place or the one about the sister. I suggest dropping everything in Zoey's perspective until the entry of her sister. That was just on the side. Let's get into the meat of the review.

Honestly, I find the whole Zoey paranoia thing overplayed, and I find it very difficult to relate to her as a character. Now, you said you weren't too comfortable with chapter 3, writing it on YWS. I thought it was weird as well. I doubt, though, that this was due to writing it on YWS. (Although I'm sure you know this, you can always type on word and Copy-Paste.) What for me made it different was that I don't think you're as in tune with the character of Zoey as you are with Charlie.

So what are your options of righting this?

The first thing I'm going to advise is to switch point of view when writing from Zoey's perspective to third person. This will serve several functions. Primarily, it will lower the level of penetration into Zoey's mind, and thereby leave the reader to draw more of his own conclusions about her character. It will also make her more plausible. Later on I will highlight some of the character inconsistencies in the Zoey scenes. Changing the perspective to third person will also serve as an immediate flag for a reader as to who the point of view character is, distinguishing Zoey from Charlie later in the story when they meet.

You could also choose to make her character less extreme, with only a touch of paranoia. While it is admittedly fun to read about a crazy, even a slightly off-beat character can pose intrigue. More importantly, though, a reader will be able to engage her on a personal level.

She's also a melodramatic. Melodramatics are a pain to read about in the first person. Just another reason to switch point of view.

I'm also going to supplicate now. This is a plea. Give up on those darn dialogue tags. Use the word said. It doesn't distract the reader as much. Your aim is to absorb the reader in the story, not distract them with irrelevant words. Said can remain below the radar. Yelled cannot. Neither can croaked.

So, yeah, I was going to show you what I didn't like about Zoey scenes:

Her parents are in freaking tears. Something has happened to Aimee, that clearly wasn't a mugging. Yet somehow Zoey thinks it was. Now, you've painted the picture of a really stupid girl, but I don't care how dumb she is, the scene paints her as a serious idiot. As a result, a scene that should have brought the reader to tears had no effect. In fact it seemed somewhat ridiculous.

Zoey's a freaking paranoid, she'll think the worst automatically. As soon as it becomes clear that Aimee was stabbed she will immediately think of her as dead. Yep, very flawed.

Then Aimee's dead and she's worried about her birthday party?

Work out your character. Learn her like a book. Write her.

I can't relate to your character no matter how hard I try, and therefore tension just slips me by. I'm sorry, I can barely give you any review on the rest of the piece. I guess I just need to be able to sympathize with your character until I can make real calls on how it affected me emotionally. I'm going to try nonetheless.

Charlie's story itself is very intriguing. I can immediately see the tension. For all I know Zoey's could be over now, and I wouldn't really care. If it were me writing, You need to define her story. What does she want? How is she going to get it? What's at stake for Charlie is clearly defined, but I can't see any tension in Zoey's story. Create that tension. The arc for Zoey's character should run just as strongly as the arc for Charlie's character. You're telling two separate stories here.

What is at stake for Zoey? What is she risking to gain that stake? What obstacles are in her way? The epic character story can only emerge as a character meets challenges posed to her, and overcomes them using the strength to change as a person. In these stories, the journey is more important than the events. Zoey needs to anticipate future failure and rise above it. The fact that she has a dead sister is not a challenge, it's an experience that she can use to overcome a challenge. You need to define the challenge.

That's it for now.

This is for the record one of the hardest reviews I've ever had to write, because nothing is overtly wrong. I just can't really put what I dislike about the story to words. It feels unstructured and unclear.

Hopefully you can make some sort of sense from my ramblings and put it to good use. The idea here is epic. Your writing draws emotion automatically. In short, you're really good. Far better than I am. I have confidence that if you keep at this you can get it published one day.

Keep Well!
Yoda

Yo, Skinsy. It's Rach. Not that you could mistake Ribbit for anyone else, right--even from a mile away?

Anyway, I'm doing something differently than I usually do. And that is... I'm reading the other reviews. I'm sharing. You should be so proud... your Rach, all-grown up and learning not to be territorial! The downside to that, though, is that I'm bound to disagree with people before me, which could be a touch confusing. But, oh well.

First, though, we must begin on traditional grounds! Grammatical structures time! (What would a Rach to Skins review be without one of my nerdy rants, eh?)

With my eyes shut, I prepared for whatever was to happen next. There was a banging noise. It was the sound of a car door closing. Footsteps. They were nearing me, every step echoing into my ears. I could feel someone standing above me, their breath heavy. I lifted one of my eyelids up a little. There was a tall figure in front of me, but all that I could see on my level were their hands in their pockets. There wasn't anything in their pockets, was there? Nothing dangerous...? I swallowed hard and awaited my fate.

Believe it or not, this is going to tie in with Yoda's comment about Zoey being melodramatic. And before I explain all those colors, I have to ramble and ask you some questions about Zoey. Which I'll talk about after I explain the color-coded monstrosity.

Okay, so is Zoey legitimately OCD, legitimately paranoid, etc? Or does she make herself that way? Is her terror as she watches that car come toward her borne out of true terror--the sort any rational girl might feel in her situation--or is it just intensified a thousand fold by her being who she is? Is gong to Amber Fountains really that big of a deal? What is Aimee's danger level by being there? Zoey's? And is this brother aware of Zoey's condition, whether it's medically there or just part of her personality?

All those sorts of things play into how this'll eventually play out in terms of the writing. Because, in the end, one of the coolest things about writing (not that I'm biased or anything *whistles*) is picking sentence structures to give particular effects. And you could give the reader the effect of, "Whoa, this girl really needs to take a chill pill and/or chillax." Or some effect of her being legitimately affected by this OCD, or whatever.

Now, explaining the color-coded monstrosity.

The red's the easiest. It's subject-verb agreement. Technically speaking, 'they' is plural and you're using it to refer to a singular person. Hence the error. This happens all the time in spoken English because English lacks a gender-neutral singular pronoun that isn't 'it,' and my suspicion is that before too long, we'll be able to use 'they' in this fashion in written English too. Today is not that day and tomorrow isn't either, however.

So, either dart around using the pronoun (I understand you wanting to be vague) altogether, or just use 'he.' If anything, the 'he' heights the tension. If I were walking along a street like that in a bad neighborhood and a woman stepped out of the car, I'd be substantially less worried than if a man did.

In the purple are two of the sensory words that rarely have a place in third person and even more rarely in first. Why? Because she can obviously see it if she's mentioning it. She can obviously feel it. It goes with the nature of first person. Not to mention, they tell instead of show and all that nonsense.

In the blue and green (or at least I think I put blue and green in) are clunky structures that ought to go. The green should be the existential 'there was' where 'there' doesn't really do anything. Rewrite those sentences, taking the 'there was'es out. Because 'there was' is a tension killer. And it's stuffy. And it's boring. And it's two basically meaningless words combining in exponential meaninglessness.

The 'It was' is an instance of the verb 'to be' occurring when you could use a stronger verb and skip the boringness that is inherent in 'to be.' Many languages (just not English, which is too cool for school) give speakers an option of not including 'to be' altogether because it is basically worthless. Regardless, though: verbs are awesome and using 'to be' is like choosing to eat cardboard for breakfast. You get the fiber, the sentence is grammatical...but why?!?!

Now onto stuff that'll hopefully tie into the rest of the chapter. Which is Zoey's character. Like many of the others, I enjoy reading her personality. To me she's definitely over-the-top, melodramatic, prone to exaggeration, illogical--and, as Yoda said, perhaps too extreme. One part where it got a little extreme for me was:

There wasn't anything in their pockets, was there? Nothing dangerous...?

Is she really that naive? If she is, then so be it, but it stymies you a bit in terms of her character getting to have a lot of depth and be more than, well, comic relief. This is why I asked about how dangerous Amber Fountains really is. She obviously wasn't too concerned when she left her home. She's not running here. Instead, she closes her eyes and wonders if he has anything dangerous in his pockets. How much does she know about the world? Frogs, the moment I saw a car making its way toward me, I'd have bolted so fast...

Note that no right or wrong answers to these questions exist. They're there for you to think about, because again--they're going to affect how you write Zoey's narrative. If she, in her naive state, wonders if something dangerous is going to be in his pocket. Or if she, in her genuinely paranoid state, is paralyzed where she's standing.

If the latter's the case, then that's brilliant too. But I guarantee she's not thinking about something being in his pockets. Especially not in question format. I've had panic attacks before and they are not fun and I would not recover from them in enough time to fix an odd number on the radio station.

So I guess it all comes back, for me at least, to how many of her issues are self-created and how many are genuinely there. I'm not getting authentic OCD, paranoid vibes from her. To me, it seems more like a way to get attention or to justify her actions or to avoid more unpleasant realities.

So, yeah. Zoey's character is a big question mark for moi. And tied into it is the way you represent her with the sentence structure. (Because everything comes back to sentence structure when you're moi.)

My final note, I guess, goes with what some of the others have mentioned: the reactions to the news. Again, my cultural ignorance is showing, but wouldn't a police officer have come by? I don't think they usually phone call for something like that. Did the parents really move from hysteric denial that easily? Wouldn't they have been taken down to the station to ID the body?

I really have no idea as most of my knowledge is born of television shows and news reports, but the point is that something seems off about the whole process there. And, of course, the reactions... parents seemed pretty accepting of it, even though they couldn't have been informed all that long ago. Luke's reaction seems the most on-key to me, the him wanting to kill someone. That'd be my sentiment if someone attacked one of my siblings; anger's a lot more pleasant than that sort of grief.

As for Zoey... get rid of the single tear. Single tears... oh dear. I wish the site still existed so I could show you the rants against single tears. But, to put it bluntly, they're disgustingly melodramatic and cheesy, so don't use them. But as for everything else... Denial comes first in the cycle of grief (unless I'm first) so it make sense that she wouldn't believe it at all, perhaps, if she's like that, so the birthday party comments actually made sense to me.

I've gotta go, but please let me know if you have any questions! The carrier pigeons are at your service.

Rach

Wow! You have really put a lot of detail into your story, it's almost like you're there watching the characters all the time through every action that they do. Great storyline, you have a wonderful structure to this and you haven't begun to lose track of your sentences which can be really easy to make mistakes with. Well done i'd enjoyed reading this very much. Good luck with your future writing.
Oh and you have a perfect title to fit in with your storyline.
Again, well done.

Thanks for all of the reviews, guys! I've had some serious trouble with this part, so I bow down to you all.

@Shubhi, Punk, Azila, Flux, Anger, Eli, kaka, Tanya - Wow, there's a lot of you... The reason I've got all of you guys together is because when you reviewed this, it was quite a different version. I took all of your advice and edited the piece, resulting in what I have now. I kind of failed at the more emotional thing... but on the lighter side, I'm happy with what I did with Luke's reaction. I feel bad not responding to you all individually, but I really hope you don't mind. You've all helped me to make a (hopefully) better version now.

@Yoda - I've already responded to what you've said in a wall comment, so I won't blabber here. Youv'e definitely helped me out a bit on the whole Zoey's character confusion thing. I know there's something off about her, and you have made some things a bit clearer. Its kind of hard because, in all honesty, I want her to be overly dramatic and annoying in the beginning. I'm not 100% sure on what the best thign to do is.

@rach + Recently deceased Ribbit - You said that Zoey's character is a big question mark for you. Join the club. I'm horribly stuck with her at the moment. On one hand, I want her to be annoying and whiny, but on the other hand, they're probably not good character traits for an MC... I want her to have changed by the end of the story, so she has to be at least a bit annoying. Hence my confusion. Oh, and the whole OCD, paranoia thing is more in her head rather than a medical problem. If I do stick with her character, as the chapters go on, you'll see why she's so paranoid of everything.

After reading over all of the reviews again, I'm even more confused about Zoey. She seems to be a bit of a Marmite character... Some of you are saying you love her, and some of you just find her annoying. It's so confusing. xD

Hey, Skins. Figured I'd stop with the wall-stalking and come review. xD

The blood pulsated through my head like a uncontrollable waterfall.

Not a huge fan of this simile. For one thing, waterfalls are usually uncontrollable, so the adjective is redundant, but does a waterfall really pulsate? It just doesn't fit.

I could almost hear it splashing everywhere as I sprinted into any direction, so long as it wasn't near the car and the stranger.

She's imagining the blood splashing everywhere? Whoa, that was a change of tone for the waterfall simile. Not sure whether that makes me like it more or not... Anyway, I actually picked that sentence out because you need a "the" in front of car.

I toddled towards my brother.

I love that. It's just the right verb.

escaped my dry lips.

Something is making me think you've used that before this chapter. *runs off to check Part Three*

The next thing I knew, a loud scream had escaped from my dry lips.

Yep. Eh, I'm not stalking your writing, I just have a good memory. Plus, it struck me as slightly odd that her lips were so dry even though it was raining. So yeah, I'd replace this second one in this part.

"Besides, it doesn't look like you need a telling off by mum and dad right now..."

The words "Mum and Dad" should be capitalised like that, because they're technically names, and you need to distinguish them from just anyone's mum and dad.

There was still a pang of anxiety in the pit of my stomach though

I don't think "pang" is the right word. It suggests a single moment of anxiety, rather than something continuous.

Those vague colours flew passed my eyes

*past

I turned my attention back to the coldc window.

*cold

I felt like a blooming kid.

I'd cut "blooming" here. I can understand why Luke says it, but for some reason it feels odd to read when Zoey does so. Maybe it's because it's not in dialogue... ?

His lack of organisation skills made me feel on edge as I watched him.

I'd cut "skills" here. It sounds a little like a phrase from a CV as it is.

The light from inside almost blinded me as I stepped inside.

Cut "from inside", as otherwise it repeats.

After pressing four buttons and pulling a leaver twice

*lever

What was even more rediculous

*ridiculous

Despite never meeting or seeing this boy, Luke obviously assumed that Aimee's boyfriend had a gangly neck as well as an ugly head - not that I was sure what that meant exactly.

Not sure what the point of this sentence is, bar the knowledge that Luke's never met the boyfriend either. I'd think about cutting the rest though.

The sound of my calm heartbeat was relaxing

So the heartbeat was calm, but now it's relaxing? That's what the sentence implies, I think. I'd rephrase to just, "My heartbeat was slowing."

It sprung up, stopping abrubtly

*abruptly. Sorry, I didn't intend to represent the typo police here.

I glanced to the side of me

I'd cut "of me" here.

No one else said a word.

Don't get me wrong, I love the description here, but I find it really strange that her parents weren't utterly panicking about Zoey now that they've heard about Aimee. Surely they would have checked the children's bedrooms, and would have been in hysterics about where Zoey could have got to? I'd expect some sort of relief here, even one of them just acknowledges it or something. I know Zoey points it out later, but she's right. I'd expect some sort of reaction too.

Why the hell are you lying?!

This is the only part of the dialogue which seems unrealistic. I get that Luke might be trying to convince himself that his parents are lying, but that would surely make him even less likely to ask this question. He wouldn't want to acknowledge that there isn't any reason why his parents would be lying, so I don't think he'd ask.

"Be quiet, boy! You're not going anywhere!" resulting in a horrible silence.

I think there's some words missing here. Either there's a dialogue tag telling us who's speaking here, or you need a new sentence after the dialogue, like, "There was a horrible silence."

The silence and lack of life sliced a sharp pain through my emotions.

I don't think this makes sense. You can't really "slice a pain", since it's not really an object. Try, "The silence and lack of life sliced through my heart." You can probably think of something better than that, actually. xD

imbeded themselves into my tired head.

*embedded.

She must be terifie--"

*terrifie--

Oh, I just clicked on one of the layout menus accidentally. When I did that last year, my review used to go kaput. Yay for clicking the back button and finding everything intact!

No. No, she wasn't.

I think this needs to be a single paragraph. Or at least, the "No" does. Otherwise, Zoey's narrative just continues and she doesn't really seem to have fully heard what Luke said.

My chest felt tight as I stared at Luke, my mind sceaming at him to stop lying to me.

I know it's a realistic reaction, but as Luke feels like this too, I think it'd be good to have Zoey accept it a bit faster. From what little I know, some people just take it and though they can't process the emotion, start asking practical questions and accept what's happened. Zoey seems to fit this initially, so I don't think she should think about lies, as Luke does.

I couldn't think straight, and it didn't even feel like I could breathe porperly.

*properly

I needed to understand my thoughts myself before letting them out.

Is Zoey crying at this point? She maintains a pretty steady narrative if she is.

There's nothing much I want to say about this part; I really like it. The description of grief is quite powerful, though there does only seem to be one type of grief, from what I see. Everyone first accuses whoever tells them of lying, then doesn't process it, then cries. Grief isn't the same for everyone. Sometimes, people can take months to cry, which probably wouldn't be practical from a story where you need an emotional reaction straight off, but with sudden loss in particular, people take a long time to realise the extent of it. Zoey's statement that she won't see Aimee ever again is remarkably big for someone who's just heard the news. I don't know much more than that, but her narrative reads strangely after Luke tells her. It's almost too comprehensive. And then the mention of the birthday party at the end... It's quite a strange way to end the chapter. Maybe some research would help?

Oh, and as to Zoey's character as a whole, I find her quite human. Yes, she's melodramatic and kind of annoying at times, but it's not so bad that I don't want to read about her. Those are just her flaws, and I guess we'll see her work to better them through the novel.

Anyway, hope my review helps.

- Jet.