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Stop and Stare (Part 5)



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Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:23 am
Sins says...



What's happened during Charlie's life in this novel so far:
Spoiler! :
Charlie Black was out with two friends, including his best friend, Austin, when a fight occurred. It resulted in Austin accidentally stabbing and killing a young girl.






Stop and Stare ~ Part Five



Charlie

I used to hate tying my laces. It must have taken me at least two years to learn how to do it, and even by the time I could do it, the knots were always loose and messy. I’d get so... irritated. I missed that: a time when something as simple as that was my biggest worry. No real problems, no ridiculous mistakes that were made one foolish night. I missed getting so upset over being unable to tie that stupid knot.
I fiddled with the piece of paper in my hands and ran my finger along the top. As I pressed my index finger down harder, the blunt edge of the paper began stinging my skin--an oddly relaxing feeling. I’d been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of summer, but I’d never imagined that I would feel so blank and emotionless about it. I guessed I had other things on my mind.
I shot my finger across the paper which immediately drew blood from the skin of my fingertip. It stung, but I didn’t mind. I almost liked it. Forget about it. Just forget about it. As quickly as the memory entered my mind, I got rid of it. I’d been practising that a lot over the past four weeks or so--since 'it' happened.
My attention was forced back onto the paper in my hand. It was a refutation letter of some sorts, but right now, it could have been a pile of crap for all I cared. It felt like a century ago now, but I’d applied to get into a collage to study music and not to my surprise, the place didn’t even want to know. That’s what I got for screwing up my GCSEs, I guess. I didn’t get in then. Too bad I couldn't give a damn.
“Bloody hell, Charlie.” Austin’s voice almost made me jump. “Are you trying a new style of finger painting or something?”
I glanced down at my finger to see it now covered in dark blood. There were a few splodges of it over the paper too. I looked back up at Austin who was flicking an orange lighter on and off. Despite that fact, his eyes were on me. He was leaning against the wall with his legs crossed. I forced out a laugh and dropped the paper onto my already messy bedroom floor.
“You fancy doing anything then? Or are you just gonna play with that all night?” I nodded at the lighter in his hand.
“Well, you know what I wanna do... Vert--”
“No.”
“Aw, come on, mate.” He rolled his eyes. “Even though I still reckon you should try it, it’s not like you're gonna have to get hamme--”
“No.
“Just hear me out.” He raised his hands. “We go to Vertigo, I don’t even mention getting hammered to you, we find some fit birds and have a good time.” He scanned me briefly. “You need it. What do you say?”
Practically every Saturday night, Austin suggested we’d go to that club. Sometimes he got his way, but I tried to avoid that because he’d always end up getting kicked out for brining booze into a youth nightclub, not that the staff there were particularly strict anyway. Besides, the last thing I wanted to do right now was hook up with some girl. There were other things shadowing my mind. I stared up at my ceiling for a moment as though that would be a good enough response to please Austin. I heard another flick from the lighter, followed by a sigh.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered. “You ain’t still bothered about the thing that happened a few weeks ago are you?”
My eyes remained fixed to the grey ceiling. The swirls on the ceiling were beginning to make me feel a bit queasy now, but I continued staring at it anyway.
“Mate, no one’s even thought about suspecting us. No one saw us, there's no CCTV anywhere near the park, that Lee kid and his goons ain’t gonna say anything ‘cause you know how much he’s messed about with the cops. Jax ain’t gonna say anything either. The cops ain’t got our D.N.A or anything on record, so there's no chance of us getting caught. Besides, why should anyone suspect us? I've never gotten into too much trouble with the cops, and you definitely haven’t.” He lowered his voice. “Don't you get it? We’ve gotten away with it.”
“You’re a shit liar.”
The flicking sound stopped. For the first time in a good few minutes, I turned my eyes back to Austin who was still sitting on my bedroom floor. His lip was curled and his eyes were narrowed. I shrugged.
“How the hell is that lying, Charlie? You know the cops ain’t got a chance of finding us. No wonder Jax takes the mick out of you so much. You’re such a wimp, for fu--”
“You're only proving me more right. I ain’t on about that, Austin.” I sat up on my bed. “What I mean is that you’re obviously bothered by it all. You’re fiddling with things all of the time, which can get really annoying, by the way.” I nodded at the lighter. “You're smoking twice as much as you did a month ago, you always look half dead, so you obviously ain’t sleeping properly. Your hair doesn’t even look blonde anymore, mate, because you clearly ain’t washed it in ages. Plus, considering you’ve figured out all of the reasons why we can’t get caught, you must have been thinking about what happened four weeks ago a damn lot. Oh, and you just lost your rag with me.” I shrugged. “Just saying.”
“What are you? Some fricking psychiatrist?” Austin shouted, proving my point even further.
I remained silent and held my breath. Did he have to shout? The last thing I wanted right now was anyone barging into my room. I didn’t bother responding to Austin, this time. Instead, I lifted my index finger to my mouth, widened my eyes, then nodded at my door.
It was times like this when I was happy Will was away with school for a while because, believe it or not, it was a damn lot easier to keep things from someone when they were in another country. If my brother or my dad found out about all of this, I’d have messed everything up for not only me, but more importantly, Austin. The whole thing was my fault anyway. If I would have just shut my mouth when I saw Lee and his goons coming, if only I had stopped Austin from drinking so much... None of it would have happened. I screwed everything up. It was me.
I heard Austin curse to himself, and my attention was drawn back to him. I didn’t have the energy to argue with the kid. He hadn’t said a single word about what happened that night being my fault. He must have known it was my fault; he wasn’t stupid. He must have figured it out by now. Besides, he was more or less all I had right now. Jax was basically a sheep doing whatever Austin told him to do, so talking to him about any rubbish was like talking to a toaster.
Austin let out a long breath and stood up. “Look, mate, let’s go to Vertigo. You can’t let some stupid mistake that I made ruin your fun. Besides, think about it.” He shrugged. “You find a girl and it will take your mind off things. It ain’t like you struggle on that department, pretty boy.”
The guy had a point. Maybe going out and at least trying to have a good time would take my mind off it all. Austin put the lighter into the pocket of his hoodie as he made his way towards me. He sat on the end of my bed after picking up the letter from the floor. He scanned it with his dark eyes and avoided touching the blood stains my finger had left on it.
“It’s probably a shit collage anyway.” He tapped my leg. “Come on, I’ll get my old man to drive us to the club.”
I then did what I did best: I did exactly what Austin had told me to.

#


Gareth, Austin’s dad, hit the brakes once we reached a familiar street corner. Like usual, there wasn’t a blade of grass out of place in any of the gardens’ that filled the empty street. I began drumming my fingers against my leg as the small car came to a halt. Considering Will wasn’t home as well as me, I was on edge about my dad being in the house on his own. What if he got drunk and did something idiotic? Or had one of his flashbacks? Or realised that I hadn’t brought Will’s shirt back from Jax’s house yet? The guy wasn't back from France until two weeks or something though, so I guess I had until then, not that my dad would probably see it like that. The drumming on my knee turned into an ecstatic piano routine. What if he turned the place upside down? He better not have ended up wrecking the place because I couldn't be bothered to clean up after him again.
“Here we are, boys.” Gareth’s voice disturbed my train of thought. He smiled at me before turning to Austin. “I’m going down the pub with some mates to have a few pints now, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pick you guys up.”
“It’s alright, we’ll walk,” he replied. “Besides, we’re big boys now. I’m sure we won’t get too scared.”
“Uh, I dunno, mate,” I said before Gareth could respond. Austin tilted his head and pulled a confused face. “It’s gonna be pretty cold, so, you know...”
I would have told him that I didn’t want to have to walk home with him as he spewed his guts out and yelled at the top of his voice at every person that passed, but I didn’t want to mention anything about him getting drunk, not in front of his old man. It turned out the answer I gave him instead only heightened the accusation Jax often gave me of me being a complete wimp.
“You’re kidding, right?” Austin started laughing.
“Son, if Charlie isn’t comfortable with you two walking home, then I don’t think you should walk.” Gareth’s voice was stern.
He ran his hand through his light hair as he kept his eyes on his son. Austin responded by pulling a face and rolling his eyes. I couldn't help but smile lightly. Austin constantly complained about his dad, despite the fact that he was just like him in both his personality and looks. The fact that they both always thought they knew best made it clear that they were related. When my father was fighting in Afghanistan, Gareth spent a lot of time in my house. I guess he felt the need to become some kind of father figure for me or something. I could remember one time he was over when Austin and I were about eight years old, and Austin wanted to make a ramp for his skateboard by using some of Gareth's wood he used for work. Gareth told him the wood wasn't strong enough, so he said no, but Austin argued that it was easily strong enough. He wouldn't give up, but Gareth wouldn't give in either. They were both one hundred percent certain that they were right, and the argument lasted the entire day.
“It’s alright,” I said, returning my mind back to the present. “I’ll just ask my dad to pick us up.” I despised the rubbish that came out of my mouth sometimes.
“Are you sure?” Gareth said, his voice suddenly turning soft again.
“Yeah, there we go,” Austin answered before I could. “Sorted.”
“Austin, I’m not talking to you.” He turned back to me. “You don’t think he’d mind?” There was a clear hint of disbelief in his voice, and I couldn’t blame him. My dad would have preferred to individually pluck every hair out of his head than pick me up from some nightclub for yobs as he called it.
Gareth continued. “I mean, I can lay off the alcohol for tonight if you boys need picking up. If Austin’s that determined about walking, then I can just pick you up, if you want, Charlie. I wouldn’t mind.”
He looked at me with his almost black coloured eyes as he turned his head to face me. I then glanced at Austin to see him rolling his equally dark eyes again. He scratched his head and smiled sarcastically at Gareth.
“Dad, he’s fine. Jamie can just pick us up, like Charlie said. Stop bugging him.”
“Austin, I swear you think I’m going to murder him.”
That single word made my guts turn. Both Austin and I shut up as I stared at him through the car’s overhead mirror. Leaving Gareth oblivious, Austin shook his head and pressed his finger against his dry lips. Gareth didn’t... He didn’t know, did he? Why would he have said something like that if he didn’t suspect anything?
“Hey, Charlie? You okay, son?” I snapped my head back to Gareth.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah... Uh, sorry.”
“We’re never gonna get into Vertigo at this rate,” Ausitn interrupted as he shot me a hard glance.
I thanked Gareth for the lift as I stepped into the unsuitably cold summer air. He responded with a grin before asking me again about my dad, but I simply nodded and tried to encourage him that my dad would be fine with it. The door on the other side of the car slammed, and soon enough, Austin was standing beside me. He messed up my hair before nodding his head around the corner. It wasn’t long until we were both strolling up the damp pavement.
Austin’s dad always spoke to me so... sweetly, which admittedly, I did find rather weird at times. He knew about the whole situation with me and my dad, I was sure of that--he never asked about my black eyes and sprained wrists, or about why I avoided mentioning him to, well, anything with a pulse. I still failed to understand why he had to treat me like some kind of helpless orphan. Then again, that wasn't entirely true. I watched as Gareth’s car disappeared into the distance. Sympathy was a ghastly waste of emotion, especially when wasted on me.

____________________


Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART SIX)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:56 pm
canislupis says...



Yes! First! Anyway, after reading up to this point, I'm still engrossed in the story, which is good, and I love your character, which is even better. I feel like the action is going forward still as well, and the pacing is pretty good. There were a few typos, which I'm not going to point out unless you want me to. :D

So, even though I liked the plot, it did feel a little slow here. Which isn't bad, but some parts (when he's holding the paper) were several paragraphs when they could be a few sentences. It starts a bit abruptly as well. I'm also a bit confused about the school he's trying to go to. He's going to an audition, right? What kind of audition? Because I think of that as like a talent contest or something. Do you mean like an interview? And if he's invited to go there, what's with him climbing over the wall--if it's a school, you think it's be open, especially if they're running an audition. But maybe I'm just confused.

Charlie's voice--I still like it. You're keeping it consistent for the most part: his timidity, and shame at his own timidity, and now guilt are all very compelling. However, when it comes to the actual words you're using, it's a little uneven. Part of it is just awkwardness in the way you're constructing sentences (eg. ", the trees being the only...." etc. "being" is very awkward. XD) but it's also odd, because sometimes he's sarcastic, and sometimes he's self pitying, and sometimes he's very poetic and uses lots of synonyms :D. His mood can and should change, but I do think you want to look out for that.

And... that's really all I can think of right now. I'm glad you haven't given up on this because I'm really enjoying reading it. Just to summarize: Remove extra stuff so it doesn't drag, make Charlie's voice more consistent, reword some sentences and maybe explain the plot a little more. Lol, I didn't even have to type that review.

See you!

Lupis
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:25 pm
Elinor says...



Hey Skins!

So, I'm so glad you posted this! I've been waiting for this next part anxiously ever since I finished the reading and reviewing the last. I like this part as a whole and I do believe that you're progressing the story nicely. It was nice to get into Charlie's head again, as I quite liked him as a character in the first couple of parts. This isn't to say that I don't like Zoey -- she's cool too! I'm anxiously awaiting to read more so that I can see how their paths will eventually cross. Your characters are well developed. You describe your setting and create atmosphere well.

The major issue I am seeing with this story as a whole (and this applies to this chapter specifically as well) is that it's too abrupt, and there doesn't seem to enough connection between the two characters, the passage of time and the way events play out here as a whole. You start off with a solid first part. You get to the second part, which is good on its own and provides follow up to the last, but it doesn't really seem to flow or connect. You get to the third part and we quickly learn how it's relevant to what we've just read and you grasp up with what Zoey is going through. You follow that up in the fourth part, which is good, but then we're starting to wonder about Charlie again. Then you get here and although make a reference to what is holding these two characters together, it feels out of place. First, there is the abrupt time skip, and then you mention the audition which has never come up before and that's where you really lose me. Besides, if Austin is his friend, how would he be able to just barge into his house without Charlie knowing?

Create more of a thread so that these can be tied together, and we'll have a better understanding of the passage of time and how the characters relate. Right now, the whole murder, even though it's supposed to be really important, feels like a footnote to me -- it doesn't seem to affect the characters in the way that it should. Okay, so Charlie's cutting himself. He's depressed, but he doesn't seem frightened or nervous enough for someone who could possibly go to jail. The whole passage of time and the overall calmness of this chapter doesn't make me feel like anything's at stake.

With this chapter, it just seems like you're switching between Charlie and Zoey because you feel like you have to, not because it's relevant to the story. Have you ever read Lord of the Rings, or watched the movies? Since the main characters get split up at the end of the first, the second deals a lot of time away from Frodo, who is the central character, since a lot of the action happens away from him. So, don't be afraid to take ten chapters where you just concentrate on Zoey (or vice-versa) if that's what's necessary.

Also, while I say you describe your atmosphere well, it doesn't exactly show in this chapter. We're catapulted right to Charlie's bedroom a few weeks after all of the main action, his friend shows up out of nowhere, and then he's off to an audition. You drew me in with such awesome description in the very first part; I want to see more of that! Also, I've noticed that you haven't really described any of the characters. Paint us a picture of them, show us what they look like in your mind.

As a whole, that's all I really have to say. You have a lot of talent as a writer, more then I could ever hope for. If you need more specific advice, feel free to PM me. I can't wait to see where this story goes!

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 10:34 pm
Azila says...



You know what, sir? I read this late last night, and I was about to review it but I was really tired so I decided to wait until today. So, first thing this morning I come online and what do I see? A request from you to review this. >.< I was going to come anyway, I want you to know... Plus, I started writing this this morning and I had to leave for the afternoon but when I got back it seemed like you'd edited a little. Sorry if some of my nit-picks are irrelevant, I wrote those before you edited and I checked most of them but some might be about sentences you've already changed...

I used to hate tying my lases.
I think you mean "laces." As far as I know, "lase" means something along the lines of "to give off light, as does a laser," which doesn't make any sense in the context. >.<

I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of Summer, but I'd never imagined to feel so apathetic about it.
You don't need to capitalize the seasons... unless you want to, of course. It just seems a little odd for a piece like this. Also, the second underlined bit sounds awkward to me. I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of Summer, but I'd never imagined to feel so apathetic about it. I think it's the "to feel" that sounds odd. Maybe try: "...but I'd never imagined that I would feel..." or "...but I'd never imagined feeling..." or something like that?

I shot my finger across the paper, immediately drawing blood from the skin of my fingertip.
This seems like he meant to give himself a paper-cut--did he? Or was it accidental?

As quickly as the memory entered my mind, I had gotten rid of it.
This doesn't need to be in past perfect tense. Actually, the fact that it is implies that he forgot about it before he remembered it. That might be what you wanted to say, but if it's not then I recommend changing it to "...I got rid of it."

It was a conformation letter of some sorts, but right now, it could have been a pile of crap for all I cared.
I think you mean "confirmation." ^.~

It was almost bizarre how two so different kinds of places could be so close to each other.
That just sounds a little awkward to me. I think it's the "how two so" bit. Maybe try reordering it: "It was almost bizarre how two places so different could be so close to each other."

I couldn't clearly see what was behind the gate because there was a long road winding into the distance behind it.
Syntactically, this sentence means that the long road was behind something that was behind the gate... which doesn't make sense. Also, you repeat "behind." Maybe try something more like: "Behind the gate was a long road, and I couldn't see what was at the end it."

From what I could see of the gorunds though, there wasn't a blade of grass out of place.
What's a gorund? ^_~

I shook my head, followed by a no thanks.
Syntactically, this is saying that Charlie is being followed by something called a no thanks. ;) Maybe say something like "I shook my head, then muttered a no thanks." Hm... that doesn't sound too spiffy either. Well, just play with it anyway, eh?

It was times like this I was thankful of my dad's attitude towards me and what I did.
This might be a colloquial thing, in case you should just leave it, but "thankful of" sounds really awkward to me. >.< Wouldn't it be more natural to say "thankful for?" I think so, anyway.

Maybe I should have just gone home.
I'm going to complain about the past perfect again. You see, this sentence makes it seem like Charlie, looking back on the story after all these years, is thinking he should have gone home. It feels like you might as well say "Maybe I should have just gone home. Maybe if I had, what happened next wouldn't have happened." or something. Instead, you might want to do a "Maybe I should just go home, I thought." kind of thing.

But I wanted to get in. Badly.
I thought he was apathetic about this? I mean, he was in the beginning of the chapter, wasn't he? So now he's not? Maybe you should explain that shift a little more.

The wall was as equally tall as the gate.
You don't need the first "as." ^_~

It shouldn't have been too hard to climb.
Okay. I'm going to stop bugging you about the perfect tenses after this, but I had to point this one out. It sounds like you're saying that the gate was hard to climb, but it shouldn't have been--like you might say that someone was angry but they shouldn't have been, you know? What you mean is that he thought to himself "this shouldn't be to hard to climb." So maybe put that in, in italics or something?

I looked at he grass below me.
Good to know it's he grass... for a second I thought it might be she grass. ;)
-----------------------------------------

Overall, I really don't see what you're worrying about, sir! This was my favorite Charlie-chapter yet. I don't think you've moved forwards too far. Time-jumps are fine, and you handled this one beautifully. It feels like the novel up until now has been a sort of introduction or something, and this is the real beginning. Managing time in writing is a hard thing to do, but you're fine, I think--don't worry about it. ^_^ His voice felt really genuine, too, and I actually feel like I'm starting to get to know him pretty well. He does sound a bit less depressed now, though, and... wait a second. Let me start a new paragraph to talk about this...

Ah, much better. ^^ Now what was I saying? Oh yes: he's less depressed now. And he sounds a little different from the Charlie in the earlier chapters. But you know what? I like this Charlie better. He's still a bit depressed, but he's sarcastic, too, and a little less self-pitying. I don't want to change your characters, but I think you may want to make him like this earlier on, and make him how he was in the beginning now... if that makes any sense. It just seems like it would be more realistic if the depressed, glum Charlie was the post-stabbing Charlie and the wittier Charlie was the pre-stabbing Charlie. The way it is right now, it seems like the stabbing has changed his personality for the better, and made him less depressed. Like I say, I don't mean to micro-manage, but it's just something to mull over, ja?

On that same theme, I think you need to think about how he is changed by the stabbing. Elinor talks about this too, but I'm still going to give a little spiel, just to let you know how important I think this issue is. Sure, he's been affected somehow, and he knows it... but I can't tell what it is. In the beginning, I thought you did really well with showing a sense of numbness. Like he just tries not to think about the stabbing, and thus he doesn't think about anything. He doesn't let himself feel anything. I really liked that, because it felt realistic... but as the chapter went on, he seemed to forget about all that. There was the brief moment on the wall, where he remembered the stabbing, and I loved it, but it was really brief. Maybe add more of those brief moments throughout the chapter? Maybe have memories of the stabbing pop up and have him push them away? I think that's the way you want him to be dealing with the guilt/trauma/grief/shock/etc., so you might want to show that a little more.

I, too, am really confused about why the gate was locked. However, I have faith in you--I know you have a reason for doing it and I trust that it will be revealed sooner or later. The part that bothered me more was Charlie's reaction. If I were him, and I were auditioning for a school I really wanted to go to, but when I got there the gate was closed, I wouldn't even think about climbing over. I know, I know... he's not me. But still, wouldn't he think a bit more before doing something so rash? Maybe walk up and down the wall a bit to make sure there wasn't another gate, or take out his letter and make sure he had the time and date right? That just felt unrealistic to me.

Lastly, I'm going to echo canislupis about the whole audition thing. I see you've added in a bit about music, but I still am having a hard time believing it. This might be different in Wales, but I know a lot about American performing arts schools, and if you wanted to go to a performing arts high school you'd have to have experience. There is no way you'd even be considered if you'd never studied the art you're practicing to go to the school for. I suggest either making him have more experience, or make the situation with the school a little different--maybe have it be an interview, not an audition? Or maybe make it be some sort of raw-talent-search? Play with it.

Well, that's about it. It's a short chapter, but I liked it. The main thing I think you should consider is how Charlie is affected by the stabbing, and how he is coping. I know this is hard, since you're still working on developing his character and his voice, but I really don't think you should underestimate the power that such an event can have on a person. I imagine he'd be deeply troubled after witnessing something like that.

Of course, let me know if you have questions or anything! I hope this helps.
a
  





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Sun Jan 23, 2011 1:45 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Oh Lord,

What else is there to say after these fantastic reviews? Well. First, I also saw last night that you had posted, but I was on Ipod and knew I'd get to my laptop today. Which means that like Azila, I had planned on reviewing your piece today. Your request beat me to it. ;)

Ok. Well, first off, I disagree with Elinor about Austin just popping in (unless you edited after she reviewed) because, by saying that Austin's been annoying and flicking stuff, I had figured that they'd continued seeing each other. That Charlie was finally saying something about it.

I really loved the part where he was deliberatly (?) hurting himself with the paper. Perhaps punishing himself for not maning up, perhaps to see if he could feel anything at all. I find it shows much about his personality.

I happen to agree that considering how apathetic he was about going, suddenly he had to get it. Maybe you could slip something in there. Like, if he made it to the auditions, if he succeeded, then everything would be ok for him. Which would be another stabbing-thought like Azila mentioned. It would also be a great way of keeping your chapter practically intact, yet offering an explanation for it.

He lowered his voice. "Don't you get it? We've gotten a way with it."
away

You're hair doesn't even look blonde anymore, mate, because you clearly ain't washed it in ages.
your

*Just a little side note. I'm ecstatic about finding mistakes that 'Zila missed. I know, I have issues ;)*

And that was it. I hope I was a little useful, here. If only for those two mistakes.

I loved this chappy, Skinsy, I really did. I think it was great insight in getting to know Charlie (don't even know if that bloody sentence makes sense) and I think you've got the tone of it just right.

Keep using that keyboard!
Tanya
  





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Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:38 pm
Nike says...



Here to review this piece. I'm trying to sound formal here, I think that was bad... Well, I'm here so, let's get started!

Skins wrote:

Charlie

I used to hate tying my laces. It must have taken me at least two years to learn how to do it, and even by the time I could do it, the knots were always loose and messy. I missed that: a time when something as simple as that was my biggest worry. Having something that was so complicated, worrying me, was a lot more painful than being unable to tie some stupid knot.
I fiddled with the piece of paper in my hands, running my finger along the top. As I pressed my index finger down harder, the blunt edge of the paper began stinging my skin - an oddly relaxing feeling. The black ink scrawled across the page looked as though it was all bunched together, unable to form real words. Nonetheless, I scanned the page until I was sure I knew exactly what it said.
I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of summer, but I'd never imagined that I would feel so apathetic about it. I guessed I had other things on my mind. I shot my finger across the paper, immediately drawing blood from the skin of my fingertip. It stung, but I didn't mind. I almost liked it. Forget about it. Just forget about it. As quickly as the memory entered my mind, I got rid of it. I'd been practising that a lot over the past four weeks or so - since the stabbing had happened.


So here, just making sure.. did he get a paper cut?

Skins wrote:My attention was forced back onto the paper in my hand. It was a confirmation letter of some sorts, but right now, it could have been a pile of crap for all I cared. I'd been wanting to get into Greenview High since my dad started paying for Will to go there, and in my hands right now was a chance of getting in. Better still, I could've had a chance to study music there. It may not have been a guaranteed spot, but an audition was better than nothing. Too bad I couldn't give a damn.
"Bloody hell, Charlie." Austin's voice almost made me jump. "Are you trying a new style of finger painting or something?"
I glanced down at my finger to see it now covered in dark blood. There were a few splodges of it over the paper too. I looked back up at Austin who was flicking an orange lighter on and off. Despite that fact, his eyes were on me. He was leaning against the wall, his legs crossed. I forced out a laugh and dropped the paper onto my already messy bedroom floor.
"You fancy doing anything then? Or are you just gonna play with that all day?" I nodded at the lighter in his hand.
"Ain't you going to that school meeting thing?"
"Nah." I shrugged. "Can't be arsed."
"Charlie, you've been wanting to go to that school since your balls dropped."
As oddly as Austin had phrased it, he wasn't lying. I stared up at my ceiling for a moment as though that would be a good enough response to please him. I heard another flick from the lighter, followed by a sigh.
"Jesus Christ," he muttered. "You ain't still bothered about the stabbing thing, are you?"
My eyes remained fixed to the grey ceiling. I swore I could make out a turtle in the patterns... The swirls on the ceiling were beginning to make me feel a bit queasy now, but I continued staring at it anyway.
"Mate, no one's even thought about suspecting us. No one saw us, there's no CCTV anywhere near the park, that Lee kid and his goons ain't gonna say anything, and neither are Jax, Sean, or Timmy. The cops ain't got our D.N.A or anything on record, so there's no chance of us getting caught. Besides, why should anyone suspect us? I've never gotten into too much trouble with the cops, and you definitely haven't." He lowered his voice. "Don't you get it? We've gotten away with it."
"You're a shit liar."
The flicking sound stopped. For the first time in a good few minutes, I turned my eyes back to Austin who was still sitting on my bedroom floor. His lip was curled and his eyes were narrowed. I shrugged.
"How the hell is that lying, Charlie? You know the cops ain't got a chance of finding us. You're such a wimp, for fu--"
"You're only proving me more right. I ain't on about that, Austin." I sat up on my bed. "What I mean is that you're obviously bothered by it all. You're fiddling with things all of the time, which can get really annoying, by the way." I nodded at the lighter. "You're smoking twice as much as you did a month ago, you always look half dead, so you obviously ain't sleeping properly. Your hair doesn't even look blonde anymore, mate, because you clearly ain't washed it in ages. Plus, considering you've figured out all of the reasons why we can't get caught, you must have been thinking about what happened four weeks ago a damn lot. Oh, and you just snapped at me." I shrugged. "Just saying."
"What are you? Some fricking psychiatrist?" Austin shouted, proving my point even further.
I remained silent and held my breath. Did he have to shout? The last thing I wanted right now was Will barging into my room. I didn't bother responding to Austin, this time. I didn't have the energy to argue with the kid. Besides, he was more or less all I had right now. Jax, Timmy and Sean were all basically sheep, obeying whatever Austin told them to do, so talking to them about any crap was like talking to a toaster.


I like this part: "...so talking to them about any crap was like talking to a toaster."

Skins wrote:Austin let out a long breath and stood up. "Look, mate, go to that music audition thing. You can't let some stupid mistake that I made ruin it for you. Besides, if you have some fancy school to think about, it's bound to take your mind off the stabbing."
The guy had a point. He put the lighter into the pocket of his hoodie as he made his was towards me. He sat on the end of my bed after picking up the letter from the floor. He scanned it with his dark eyes and avoided touching the blood stains my finger had left on it.
"Come on." He tapped my leg. "I'll get my old man to drive you there."
I then did what I did best: I did exactly what Austin had told me to.

*****


The journey from Amber Fountains to Greenview was a strangely short one. It was almost bizarre how two places so different could be so close to each other. After driving through the forest lane, it was as though the trees opened to reveal an entirely new country. A country I'd have much rather lived in, that was for sure.
Gareth, Ausitn's dad, hit the breaks once we reached a tall, black gate. Behind the gate was a long road, and I couldn't see what was at the end it. From what I could see of the grounds though, there wasn't a blade of grass out of place.
"There you go, Charlie." Gareth's voice was soft as he spoke. He smiled at me before turning to Austin. "Are you both going in, or...?"
"Nah, I can't be dealing with a load of middle class, smartarse teenagers. It ain't my thing," he replied before turning to me. "Besides, you're a big boy now. I'm sure you can do it on your own."
"Son, if he wants you to go with him, then I think you should." Gareth's voice was stern.
He ran his hand through his light hair as he kept his eyes on his son. Austin responded by pulling a face and rolling his eyes. I couldn't help but smile lightly. Austin constantly complained about his dad, despite the fact that he was just like him in both his personality and looks. They shared dark blonde hair along with almost black eyes, and even their slightly muscular build was strangely similar. The fact that they both always thought they knew best made it clear that they were related.
"It's alright," I said, returning my mind back to the present. "I'd prefer to go in on my own anyway. Less pressure."
"Are you sure? I can go in with you, if you want," Gareth said, his voice suddenly turning soft again.
I shook my head, and muttered a no thanks. It was times like this I was thankful for my dad's attitude towards me. Gareth was too nice to me... It was weird.
I thanked Gareth for the lift as I stepped out of the warm car into the chilled air. So called summer. He responded with another grin and wished me luck, followed by Austin doing the same. Austin's dad always spoke to me so... sweetly, which admittedly, I did find a bit weird at times. I swore he thought I was a pet or something. I felt a sudden pang of uneasiness.
Gareth knew nothing about the stabbing. Austin was his only child and he wasn't married or anything. If we ever got caught... I swallowed hard. If we ever got arrested, what would that do to him? No. I shook my head. We weren't going to get arrested, and thinking about the damn thing was just pointless. Gareth would be fine because he'd never find out. I dug my nails into my right arm until I was able to convince myself of these facts.
I'd known Austin's dad since as long as I could remember, and he'd apparently known my dad for much longer. My dad often informed me on how much of a poof Gareth was and always had been since they were in school together, leaving no further explanation.
I examined the large gate in front of me, unsure of what to do exactly. Austin and Gareth had driven off by now, so I couldn't really ask them. I tilted my head and concentrated on the bolted lock. The letter did say to come at twelve in the afternoon, right? There definitely wasn't any indication of needing to bring a crowbar or anything. I stopped on the pavement and turned around.
There didn't seem to be anyone about. The only thing I could see were red brick houses and some cars dotted around here and there. The forest that led to Amber Fountains was in the far distance, and the trees were the only form of life I could find around me. Examining my surroundings more carefully, I began getting a little freaked out. The only kind of rubbish I could see was a crisp packet drifting in the wind. There wasn't a soul in sight, but everywhere was clean. Too clean. Creeps.
I turned back to the gate, and not so shockingly, the damn thing hadn't moved an inch. This place was supposed to be posh. I'd have thought they'd installed sensors or something. Maybe I should just go home, I thought. I mean, come on, like hell was I going to get a scholarship anyway. Most of the people auditioning were bound to have had music lessons and reached the highest grades possible. I hadn't had a lesson in my life. Besides, I had something else on my mind. A bigger something. I bit down hard on my lip while reminding myself not to think about stupid things. Man up, Charlie. It ain't hard. I gazed at the school behind the gate and remembered what Austin had said earlier. This school would distract me from... other things. I had to at least try to get in.
I scanned the gate, looking for any sign of a handle. All that was there was literally a bolted lock - one that didn't even hint at having a handle. As my eyes reached the end of the gate, I noticed that there was a brick wall surrounding the school grounds. Maybe there's another gate somewhere. One that's actually open. I decided to follow the wall, in hope of finding another way into the school.
After five minutes or so of walking beside the wall, any hope had disappeared. There was no sign of a different entrance anywhere. After another few minutes of wandering, I became desperate and started searching the side of the wall. I knew that it wouldn't happen, but I was hoping to spot some kind of sign or map that could help me out.
"Brick, brick, brick." I mumbled exactly what I was seeing. "Brick, brick, another brick, bri--"
I bumped into something soft which forced me to turn my gaze away from the side of the wall. Standing in front of me, his face stern was a smartly dressed policeman.
"I... Uh... I'm sorry, I just, uh..." I stammered, my heart racing into overdrive.
Why was he looking at me like that? Shit, did he know? Had he been following me? Had someone told the cops? Timmy? Jax? Sean? Lee? Had someone seen us that night and reported it? Before I knew it, my forehead was sweating along with my palms. The policeman said nothing. He simply narrowed his eyes at me as I stared at him. The feeling of needing to throw up began creeping up on me.
"Hey? Son, are you okay?" the policeman asked with a low voice.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. I just, um... I was just checking the wall..."
"Excuse me?"
The man gazed at me with his grey eyes which showed no signs of suspicion, just confusion. My body relaxed. He didn't know, did he? Why the hell had I jumped to conclusions? Of course the guy didn't know. What was wrong with me? Did I want him to suspect me or something? I clenched my fists, trying to control my hands form shaking.
"Sorry, I was checking the wall for my... phone. I think I left it here last night."
The rather stumpy man scratched his head, which resulted in his navy helmet lifting upwards slightly. As he brought his pale hand back down, the helmet went back into place.
"Oh, right. Well, I haven't seen anything, if that helps." The policeman smiled.
His soft smile eased my heartbeat. He hadn't once even hinted at a stabbing, so it looked like I was in the clear. I was about to turn back around when I paused. He'd know how to get into the school, right?
"Hey, do you know how to get into the school, uh... Sir? I was supposed to be in there at twelve, but I can't get in."
"Oh, there's a gate over there." He pointed in the direction behind me.
I was about to explain to him that the thing was bolted shut when I was interrupted by a buzzing sound. There was a fuzzy voice coming from the man's pocket and soon enough, he'd brought out a walkie-talkie from that pocket. He muttered something into it and turned back to me.
"Sorry, son, I've got to go!"
"Okay, but how do you actually get--"
The guy wasn't listening because before I had the chance to say anything else, he gave me a quick wave and started jogging back towards the direction I'd come. Great. That was a load of help. I groaned and ran my hand through my hair, my finger getting caught in one of the tangles. I probably should have combed it today.
Soon enough, I was back at the front entrance. The gate was staring me down. The policeman was nowhere in sight now, but I couldn't help but worry about my encounter with him. I'd acted a little... dodgy. What if he realised that and got suspicious? Could the man find out who I was? Why did I have to be such an idiot? He hadn't even suspected me of anything, but now I was beginning to think that he easily could.
I forced my attention back to the gate. I wasn't supposed to be thinking about the stabbing. I knew that. If I forgot about it, everyone else eventually would, even if it took years. I just had to be patient. I shut my eyes for a moment, allowing the memories of that night to remove themselves form my mind. Okay, the gate. I glanced at the wall again and paused. It was equally tall as the gate. I shrugged. It shouldn't be too hard to climb.
Squeezing the bag which held my audition letter and some food through one of the gaps in the gate, I began deciding on how I was going to get over the wall. Both the gate and the wall were at least a good ten to fifteen feet high. It was a good thing I was okay with heights. I rubbed my hands together, keeping my eyes on my bag on the other side of the gate.
I managed to find a rather lumpy area on the right side of the wall that had bricks poking out in different places. They looked sturdy enough to stand on. Besides, there was only - I looked at the ground - concrete below me... Ah, I'd be fine. I firmly grabbed two of the red bricks that were poking out and hoisted myself up. With the help of the other bricks, I was able to lift my feet up along with the rest of me.
As my face met the wall, I froze. The last time I'd climbed over a brick wall was four weeks ago, when I was making my way towards the park. I remained still, gazing at the bricks. I inhaled heavily and began muttering to myself.
"Bloody forget about it, freak." I lifted my arm up and found another bulging brick. "It doesn't matter. It doesn't."
Shoving anything but the thought of my audition out of my mind, I carried on climbing the wall. The higher I climbed, the sweatier my palms became. My breath became heavier and it felt as though my body was doing so too as I climbed higher and higher up the wall.
Flicking my fringe off of my flushed face, I paused for a moment. Silence. Fricking hell, I'd have thought there would have at least been a dog around the neighbourhood. I glanced up. Not much further now. I scraped my hand against the bricks now and then, but as a whole, I was pretty chuffed with my progress. I must have looked like a complete psychopath, but it didn't matter; from what I'd seen, everyone in this neighbourhood was either dead or afraid of fresh air.
I lifted my hand up in search of another brick, but was surprised to feel nothing but thin air. I looked upwards. I'd reched the top. Halle-bloody-lujah. I grasped the top of the wall and lifted myself up, eventually being able to awkwardly sit on top of it. My entire body relaxed and I sighed. I rubbed my hands together like I'd done earlier, but this time, the sweat made the movement a lot less smooth.
Now that I was facing the school, a smirk formed on my lips. This was far better than Amber Fountains Comprehensive School. None of the roof was burnt down, for starters. The school grounds were just as perfectly looked after as the neighbourhood outside. The grass that surrounded the ancient building was cut precisely, and there wasn't even a leaf to be spotted anywhere besides on the trees that were placed randomly around the grounds. I could now see that the winding road led to the school's entrance: a row of long steps which led up to grand double doors. The building was made out of what appeared to be grey stone, the dents and creases in the stones almost making the building look like an old man. I chuckled at that.
I removed my phone from my pocket, widening my eyes when I saw that it was almost quarter to one. Shit. I'd arrived here fifteen minutes late, guessing that I'd be in by half past. At this rate, I wouldn't be in the building until the evening. I looked at the grass below me. Now to get back down...
Poking my tongue out a little in concentration, I turned around so that I was facing the street outside of the school again. I carefully placed my left foot on another one of the sticking out bricks, leaving my right foot basically dangling aimlessly.
"Hey! Stop!"
I jumped, leaving my foot no option but to slip off of the brick it was balancing on. My leg scraped against the rough wall. A sharp pain shot from my shin to my knee and I yelped. I let go of the top of the wall. Moments later, there was a thud. A pain in my head. Then nothing.


Wow, this was nice.

OVERALL: Great story, as always Skins. Some spelling mistakes, I pointed them out. The whole story was good, not much to edit... so, I liked the whole chapter, it was only based on how to get into the school, which was good. You made Charlie kind of forget about the stabbing and focus on the school. But, just wonderin' here, couldn't he ring some doorbell or a button to call someone to open the gate? I mean, those kind of bells/speakers are at gates. But, I like how he climbs over the wall better... he-he. Can't wait for the next part!

Keep Writing!

Nike :)
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Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:48 pm
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for the request :).
I think your previous reviewers did a fine job picking out your grammar mistakes, so I won't focus on them; plus, I don't really think I found any. I loved the end; it was a cliff hanger, but it also seemed to come out of nowhere. i didn't skim the first couple of chapters like you suggested, but I might after reading this. There were a few things I didn't like: the dialogue seemed to be kind of awkward in a sense. I just couldn't imagine someone openly talking about a stabbing with someone they did it with if they were both afraid of getting caught, so maybe have them interupt eachother right before they say stabbing or have them come up with a code word for it. I love you description, but at times it could get a little info dumpy. For example, when you are describing how Austin and his dad are alike you point out everything that make them alike, and it kind of gets a little boring (no offense). Maybe try to just put the the last couple of things like they thought they were always right, and try to add the look alike things during the car ride or coversations or something. All of these are just suggestions; this is your piece of art, so add them only if you feel comfortable in doing so. (I'm sure you know that :) )

Have a great day,
Tiffany
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Tue Jan 25, 2011 9:39 pm
AngelMarie says...



I love this Skins! As always your writing drags me in from beginning to end! I don't really have anything to say because everyone pretty much said it all!:D Great work! :D
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Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:43 pm
Button says...



Hey there, Skinsy- sorry it took me so long to get here. Exams week. >.>
Okay, so it looks like you got a bunch of super-duper reviews from our super-duper site people, but I'll try to offer something at least.
I used to hate tying my laces. It must have taken me at least two years to learn how to do it, and even by the time I could do it, the knots were always loose and messy. I missed that: a time when something as simple as that was my biggest worry. Having something that was so complicated worrying me was a lot more painful than being unable to tie some stupid knot.
I fiddled with the piece of paper in my hands, running my finger along the top. As I pressed my index finger down harder, the blunt edge of the paper began stinging my skin - an oddly relaxing feeling. The black ink scrawled across the page looked as though it was all bunched together, unable to form real words. Nonetheless, I scanned the page until I was sure I knew exactly what it said.
I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of summer, but I'd never imagined that I would feel so apathetic about it. I guessed I had other things on my mind. I shot my finger across the paper, immediately drawing blood from the skin of my fingertip. It stung, but I didn't mind. I almost liked it.

Wow. This quote took up a whole lot more space than I thought it was going to O.O
Anyways- this part was kind of slow. The tone felt different from the character for some reason as well. I'd speed this up, make it a bit more concise, and maybe throw some more characterization into it.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered. "You ain't still bothered about the stabbing thing, are you?"

When the two boys are talking about this, it seems like they should use a euphemism for "stabbing" or something. I don't know, but I feel like saying "stabbing" is really blatant. When people have experienced something shameful or embarrassing, and when they're paranoid about it being discovered, they usually won't say it aloud like that, no matter whether they're alone or not.
I then did what I did best: I did exactly what Austin had told me to.

WONDERFUL sentence. This creates a really nice reiteration of their relationship while remaining concise. (Holy cow, the alliteration is going to eat me!) You summarize them really well.
It was times like this I was thankful for my dad's attitude towards me. Gareth was too nice to me... It was weird.

This seems a little overdone to me, especially if he grew up around Gareth- while the contrast may be disconcerting at times, unless your character considers the abuse normal everyday-life for everybody (which he doesn't really), I don't think this would be realistic.
I'd known Austin's dad since as long as I could remember, and he'd apparently known my dad for much longer. My dad often informed me on how much of a poof Gareth was and always had been since they were in school together, leaving no further explanation.

This seems really awkwardly placed to me.
There wasn't a soul in sight, but everywhere was clean. Too clean. Creeps.

If this was the place that he wanted to go, it seems odd that he would insult it-- shouldn't he idolize it in some way? It seems like the cleanliness should represent purity to him or something.
It shouldn't be too hard to climb.

This scene feels a bit unrealistic and forced to me; if he was applying for a new institution, I think that he would really self conscious and wary of making any mistakes. If anyone saw him doing this (which, someone did) it could ruin his chances altogether. I think that he would probably think of doing this, and then catch himself and change his mind.
"Hey! Stop!"

I'd make a really quick mention to this being the police officer's voice, so that's clear. If it's someone else that will be revealed in the next chapter, make sure we know that he doesn't know who it is.



Okay. All done. That was a really lame review- mostly nitpicks than anything else.
Overall, this is excellent-- you are a superb writer, and always spin really nice stories. This was a little bit slow, but I think that's just because this is a whole chapter for this. In an actual book, I think this would just be a normal speed.
Sorry I couldn't really offer anything real. Great job.

-Coral-
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:29 pm
Jetpack says...



Here to review Part Five.

Having something that was so complicated worrying me was a lot more painful than being unable to tie some stupid knot.


This is really awkward. Mess around with it a bit, and try and get rid of that "having something that was so complicated" construction.

I shot my finger across the paper, immediately drawing blood from the skin of my fingertip.


New paragraph for this, I think. It's quite an important moment; I mean, he's essentially self-harming, even if it's not quite clarified.

It may not have been a guaranteed spot, but an audition was better than nothing.


I'm confused about the tense here. He speaks as though he's already found out that he hasn't got an audition. I think you need to use, "It might not be..." rather than "have".

I swore I could make out a turtle in the patterns...


This is slightly random. I'd cut it, or just rephrase it so you only mention shapes in the patterns, and not specifically a turtle.

Jax, Timmy and Sean were all basically sheep, obeying whatever Austin told them to do


I don't think "obeying" is the right verb here. Use "doing".

Gareth, Ausitn's dad, hit the breaks once we reached a tall, black gate.


*Austin's *brakes

He responded with another grin and wished me luck, followed by Austin doing the same.


Again, slightly awkward in the second part of the sentence. Try, "and Austin did the same."

Standing in front of me, his face stern was a smartly dressed policeman.


Comma after "stern".

allowing the memories of that night to remove themselves form my mind.


*from

Wow, very few nitpicks in here! The sentence construction has improved a lot in this part.

I agree that Charlie's voice seems slightly different here, as well it would do after the stabbing, but I don't think he sounds any less depressed. He's just less self-deprecating, which is odd. I think it's because his focus on his own problems have been eclipsed by this secret he's got to keep, and the pressure on him is very apparent. You could expand slightly on the paranoia we glimpse when he's faced with the policeman and at the beginning, when he's cut himself with the edge of the paper. Twice in this chapter he inflicts some sort of pain to make him forget the stabbing; once with the paper cut, and once by digging his nails into his arm. I'm kind of in two minds about how much you should play that up. Here, the effect is almost eerie because it doesn't really seem to be acknowledged, but there's a side effect that it's not immediately apparent as to his emotional state. As Elinor said, it's all a little too calm. For me, basically, it read better second time around.

At times this part seems too slow, especially when Charlie's climbing the wall. It takes up a good chunk of the writing, when all that's really happening is that he's climbing. How tall is the wall? Also, he doesn't take a lot of thought to consider whether or not he should basically try to break into the school. For someone who's already thinking he's got the police on his tail, he's awfully quick to risk creating a situation where they might turn up.

Charlie's relationship with Austin is so well written, even when Austin's with his dad. It's immediately apparent as to why Charlie feels so obliged to keep that secret. I could gush about the characters for ages here; it's just the calmness of the whole chapter that seemed so out of place with the content. Not sure whether there's any direct advice for fixing that, but you seem to have a good few reviews which will hopefully have better suggestions than I can come up with right now. ;)

As always, thanks for the read.

- Jet.
  





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Fri Feb 04, 2011 3:15 am
Jashael says...



Hey, Skinso. I'm back and making it up for being oh so long gone. HAHA...

OK, so as I expected, I wouldn't have anything to nitpick. I wouldn't have to actually repeat that your tone and style was so cool, right? So I'll just start babbling about things that confused me:

First though, I have to suggest something for this sentence:

"Hey! Stop!" A high pitched voice.


I'd rather have it as a dialogue tag. Basically, it was a phrase and it's better of as a DT (that's dialogue tag, not discussion thread. :lol) As in: "Hey! Stop!" a high pitched voice said.

Next, I have a problem with the papercut. I kept on wondering what he would audition for. As musician? Or just a singer? 'Cause if he was musician of some sort, trust me, I play the guitar and piano and papercuts are seriously hard to deal with when playing an instrument. May seem small, but papercuts are very, very painful. Especially if the cut has cause your finger to be "covered by blood." I was just trying to clear that up. The bloodstains on the audition paper is OK , I guess. It doesn't really matter yeah.

What bothers me, next, is the audition itself. Didn't he need any papers for that? A portfolio, important stuffs besides the audition paper.

Lastly, I keep on thinking about the school. It got me thinking that he was to enter college: a music course, or so; but the school is Greenview High? Doesn't sound like a school who provides high class music courses. Just a thought.

Anyway, so sorry for all those petty things. (and such a short review) But I think, as a writer, you need to be realistic, even though you're a fictionist. Don't worry about it though. I find other lot of strengths in this piece; including Charlie's paranoia. You honestly don't have a thing to worry about it. I mean, he was a witness to an awful awful crime. It was OK. Not a bit exaggerated. So yeah... And his immature act of climbing the gate was somehow related to that paranoia and it's just making it more realistic. So nothing to worry about that. HAHAH... you're good.

~ jash ♥
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Fri Feb 04, 2011 3:18 am
Jashael says...



If you have any questions regarding the short review, and if you ever need a review again, just drop by my wall. :)
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Wed Feb 23, 2011 8:29 pm
LadySpark says...



Hi Skins! My reviews for you are going to be short. Why? because everyone above me has told you everything I was thinking (LOL).

I notice he says bloody a lot. not living in England, I don't know if they say it that much, but I have read Harry Potter, and they don't say bloody that much. Just a little nitpick.

I liked how he seems to be cut up about it, even weeks afterwards. it shows he has a conscious, which now, in this part of the story, we need to know.

So kudos to you for making that perfect.


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Fri Mar 04, 2011 2:16 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey there, Skinso! Shubhi to review here. I still call myself Shubhi. Weirdness!

Anyways, here to review seriously. No smiling!

I loved where you started this story from. I mean, showing how depressed or worried he was by comparing a small incidence in his life with this big problem that lay ahead of him was a pretty intelligent technique. So I'll go with a thumbs up for that. My only nit-pick for this one would be that you could really do with some other words or something else to show how clumsy his knots were even when he knew how to tie them. Also, I'd like to add in that now that you have jumped into another dimension or other style of writing here, then don't leave it half-way. You could really explain and bring in more of emotions of his frustration. Okay, a little secret. I can't even tie my laces properly-that doesn't mean I am dyslexic, but, dude, but it's just that they never seem to go straight. So obviously I have more than just irritation in me, so just use that thing. Show us how he liked to be better left in that irritated and weird stage rather than coming to this complexed time of his life. So, just make us feel that way. Now we know what his mind is saying, but I'd personally like you to go with how he felt about that and now how this is making him feel.

Spoiler! :
I'd been waiting for this one piece of paper since the beginning of summer, but I'd never imagined that I would feel so apathetic
about it.
Okay, this might be personal choice here for me, but I really think that I didn't really like this word over here. I mean, the whole time the narrator is shown as a troubled kid, and from what I can get he ain't sophisticated, so I don't know why this word here didn't take down well with me. I mean, if the character's that but it doesn't mean that you should keep the whole novel simple, but it was just that it didn't go with the flow of the sentence and something which actually expressed his feelings like 'so crappy' or anything of those sorts. This word didn't belong in this particular sentence but that could be me freaking out. Right? :wink:

My other thing here would be that strangely enough, I found this whole blood thing in the first part quite weird. I mean, of course you can get yourself stained, but I didn't get how one can do so by a mere paper? I haven't seen anyone do that or have never even tried it myself, so it's pretty weird for me right now. Maybe there's some technical stuff going around here in this one and I am just dumb enough not to get this whole thing. I don't say that it was you who wrote this weird thing, but even in New Moon while they were at Bella's birthday party, I still didn't get how could a paper cut her hand-I think it was a paper? Anyhow, it's not something huge and if what I am saying is fine then you could definitely make some other blood leaking excuse. I trust you to be that smart. :wink:

Other than that I have another big issue here. Like big time big. The dad here is supposed to be that maniac on loose, but he's hardly here in the last few chapters. Last time I remember him being here or his mention being here was in the first part and I think it was too far back. Now, even if he doesn't have a solid role till now, you could maybe bring Charlie to think of him or be scared of him or something? I mean, he is supposed to be the man he hates, and no mention of him bugs me off slightly sometimes. You know he was such a cool character(not his nature), but I was really interested and thrilled to read about some different character, but it hasn't happened till now. But I hope that won't be a problem in the next things.

So, overall, I don't have much to say since many great reviewers have already made their way out here. But the one thing I would say for sure is about the length of the story. It was huge-surely you could have posted it up in parts or else cut down something. When you post that much, then you don't get that great and helpful reviews, but if you're posting it in short it's always better. Nothing that serious. But apart from the length, I guess there was so much of action going on in the last that at one point, I totally lost myself. I mean, surely you had some dialog to himself, but slowly my interest was drifting away.

Other thing, one little thing that even Pointe pointed out would be the use of the word 'bloody'. No offence, but generally it's in US English that people use so many swear words. Apart from the word 'bloody' I believe there's a lot of slang and as far as I have been taught, the English English is kind of accent free and swear free. The way they all speak makes me think that they're in US(no offence again), but that's what those American movies portray. On the other hand, I haven't been to either of the countries so my knowledge is of no 'good' use in this case, but I'd surely want you to check on their accent, way of speaking and if this is how you want it and it's not setting up with the English way, then you can anytime change it to America if you're comfortable with it.

Anyways, sorry for the weirdo review, and I hope that I can make up for this later.

Later,
Shubhi(I called myself that again)
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:53 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



The first chapter pales in comparison to this. The only thing I can think of is deleting the first chapter and rewrite it from scratch. You've matured so much as a writer in the time between the chapters, it's amazing.

Other things I picked up:

1) Charlie has definitely changed (which is why I think the first chapter doesn't even belong/isn't worthy of this novel) - for the better, but in a bad way, lol, if you know what I mean. His pessimism is fascinating to read.

2) The audition. What is his talent? If guitar, where's his guitar? If singing, shouldn't he bring a clean version of the song (ie: one that doesn't have the vocals)?

3) Schools aren't entirely closed off. Surely there would have been some other entrance than the front gate. Just seems stupid to me. They'd be expecting the people from he auditions, so they'd have signs up directing the would-be students where to go.

4) What kind of highschool is this? How old is Charlie? Because generally you'd be in primary school before trying out for secondary, but I was under the illusion that Charlie was older than 10. Perhaps "College" would make more sense.
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  








"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll