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Deep Magic Part 1



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Fri Nov 19, 2010 3:59 am
Lethero says...



An idea I had. Still open to title suggestions.


Stella sat up after pulling on her leather boots and studied her expression in the mirror. Looking back at her appeared to be a pale young man with close cropped brown hair and ocean blue eyes, but what stood out about this young man was the set of deep red robes he wore, distinguishing him as a mage of the highest caliber. Stella was extremely glad for having a small chest, making it easier to hide her sex under the baggy robes. She attached a scabbard to her belt, and slid her short sword into it with barely a whisper of steel on leather.

A heavy knock came at the door, nearly making her yelp in surprise. She took a calming a coming breath and walked the two steps to the door and opened it. A soldier, a boy not quite in his second decade of life stood there with his fist raised to knock again. “What do you need?” Stella asked the boy, using her magic to make her voice sound more like a man’s.

“Capt’n sent me to tell you we’re ready to move out,’ the young man squeaked out, keeping his eyes lowered to the ground. “He also wishes to convey his wishes that you hurry up so we may begin the day’s march.” Stella rolled her eyes, knowing that the boy probably gave a much nicer version of what Captain Ferrous said, for fear of bringing her wraith on his head.

“You can tell the Captain I will be out there shortly after I finished packing,” Stella said before shutting the door in the face of the boy. She waiting till she heard his boots move down the hall and out of hearing before grabbing her already packed bag, and throwing her hood over her head. With a small gesture of her hand, all the candles in the room flickered out and the door opened for her on its own.

“About bloody time, mage!” Captain Ferrous yelled, as Stella walked out of the inn, thanking the owners for their hospitality. The sun was barely beginning to peak over the tall trees of the Terran Forest. Captain Ferrous stood at the front of the column, sitting on his black horse. He was the perfect image for any military captain: clean shaven, closely cropped hair, the steel plates on his leather armor shining in the morning light, and the physique of a man who could take on a bear. “When I say we are to move out at dawn, you better be fucking packed and ready an hour before.”

“And if you wish for me to remain in the service of your unit, I would suggest you keep your tone down with me,” Stella retorted coldly. She could see a muscle twitch in his cheek at her insubordination, but knowing he couldn’t do anything about it. “I need my sleep, and if I don’t get it, I’m sure if I returned to Lord Jorphin and tell him I wish to change units to one that would allow me more sleep, he would be more than happy to.” She knew it was true too, because Jorphin, Leader of the Torshens, was the only one who knew of her disguised gender, and would be glad to allow his “experiment” to switch units. Stella looked over at the rising sun and said, “I believe it’s time we move out, Captain.”

Stella gave a sharp whistle, and a pure white horse wears an equally white saddle trotted up to her and nuzzled her gently. “Hey there, Blanche,” she said, rubbing the horses nose and handing him a sugar cube. With a quick practiced motion, she climbed into the saddle. She glanced over at Captain Ferrous who only answered with a glare before giving the order to march.


Grishka crouched on his haunches behind a large oak, waiting for the Torshen unit who should’ve been marching past them by now. He looked up at the sky, the sun already at its full height. They should’ve been here at only half that, he thought to himself. He looked up to see one of his watchers come run up to him. He barely made a sound on his padded feet as he came to a stop in front of Grishka.

“They come, Sharqiken,” the wolf said, tilting his head to the side so as to expose his neck, as sign of respect to his betters.

“Did you manage to see how many?” Grishka growled.

“Nearly fifty of them,” the wolf replied.

Grishka simply nodded then silently summoned the rest of his wolves. The Sharqis, emerged from the surrounding forest like ghosts. One minute Grishka was alone except for his watcher, and the next he was surrounded by twenty of the best wolves the Doshiko’ja had to offer. Every single one of them either had brown fur or black fur, carried a short sword, and wore nothing but woodland green cloaks.

Without making a single noise, Grishka told them that the enemy was coming and everyone should get into position. Soon, every single one of his Sharqens hid behind a tree next to the only path that ran through the forest.

Grishka smelled and heard them before he ever saw them. First came the strong scent of sweating man and animals on a strong breeze, then the rhythmic stomping of the marching soldiers, and lastly he saw as nearly fifty Torshen soldiers marched their way down the forest path. At the lead was a man who was obviously the captain riding a black horse, and another man who was a mage judging by the red clothing he wore and riding a white horse.

As the Torshen unit came closer, he could feel his pack tensing up, preparing for the expected fight. All of them gripping their sword tightly in their paws, tongues lolled out in silent panting. It wasn’t until the unit had made it halfway past before Grishka signaled the attack. As one his entire pack moved forward silently, and before the Torshens could react twenty of their men lay dead.

Most of the men began to panic, drawing their swords and swinging it wildly to defend themselves, but were quickly taken down. Few of the more trained soldiers managed to get their sword out in time to defend themselves from the onslaught, but as their comrades quickly dwindled and they were overrun by pure numbers.

The fight was short, but bloody. Fifty Torshen corpses piled on the ground. At the front, the captain of the unit lay under his horse, still alive, screaming obscenities at the Sharqis, but they only feel on deaf ears. Next to the captain lay the unconscious mage, his white horse lay slain a few feet away, now stained red in its own blood.

Without mercy, Grishka walked over to the captain and open his throat with a single slash of the sword. Even until the man’s dying breath, Grishka managed to catch a few curse words in the Torshen language bubble through the man’s mouth.

“Casualty reports?” Grishka asked, wiping his blood on the dead mans clothes.

“We have lost none of our number, sir,” the watcher said, walking out of the tree line.

“Good, handcuff the mage and bring him with us.”

Stella woke with a start. At first she thought she was still back in the inn and that entire fight was a bad dream until she saw that she was surrounded by trees and that she was handcuffed. She rolled her eyes at the simplicity of the device they used to restrain her and began summoning the magic that would release her. With a small effort of will, she let the magic loose at the handcuffs, but to her surprise they remained still.

She heard a light growl in front of her and looked up to see a Doshiko’jan standing in front of her. He looked similar to the wolves that roamed the Torshen homeland, except he stood on his hind legs, and his hands were made for holding stuff. His entire fur was completely black except for a small patch of white between his eyes, and besides a belt that carried a short sword at his hip and a forest green cloak, he was completely naked.

With a silent effort, Stella raised her hand and pointed it at the enemy of her people, and released a magic that would leave him a pile of ashes. The wolf let out his light growl again when nothing happened, and Stella realized that he was laughing at her.

“Cashka consume magic,” he said in horrible Torshen, pointing to the handcuffs on her wrist. “You no cast your death magic with those on.”

Stella cursed to herself; she knew what a Cashka was. It was a special stone found in the Doshiko’ja homeland. It was infamous for having the ability to consume all magic around it, and being able to be stored so that the Doshiko’ja, who had no magic abilities themselves, could tap into it’s powers and perform magic that even Stella had trouble with.

The wolf walked up to Stella, just out of reach for her to hit him, and stared curiously at her. He breathed in, smelling the air around the woman, and asked, “You are female, not male?” Stella didn’t answer him, but from the expression on his face, she could tell he someone got the answer to his question. “You are on your moon bleed. Strong smell.”

Stella blushed in anger and in embarrassment, but knew he was correct. Normally she used magic to suppress her monthly bleeding, but guessed now that her magic was being blocked, it was happening for the first time in a while. Even now, she could feel the cramps burn in her lower abdomen in answer to the realization.

The wolf stood up and turned his back to her. “You now prisoner of the Doshiko’ja. Try to escape and we kill.” With that he walked away, only stopping to talk in a growling voice to brown furred wolf she didn’t see before. The brown furred wolf nodded in reply to whatever he was asked and turned to Stella.

The black wolf who talked to her, continued walking away, but the brown wolf turned towards her. She started kicking, the handcuffs prevented her from using her hands, but the wolf merely batted her feet away, and grabbed her around the waist. Without showing any visible signs of effort, he threw her over his shoulder and followed the black wolf.
Fly, Fight, Win . . . in Air, Space, and Cyberspace.
-Air Force Mission Statement-

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence In All We Do
~Air Force Core Values~

*Lethero*
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:01 am
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Leth!

I'm Tanya. We've 'met' on chat, but I do believe this is my first time reviewing for you. *cracks knuckles*

Let the fun begin!

Stella sat up after pulling on her leather boots and studied her expression in the mirror. Looking back at her appeared to be a pale young man with close cropped brown hair and ocean blue eyes, but what stood out about this young man was the set of deep red robes he wore, distinguishing him as a mage of the highest caliber. Stella was extremely glad for having a small chest, making it easier to hide her sex under the baggy robes. She attached a scabbard to her belt, and slid her short sword into it with barely a whisper of steel on leather

I started reading this and I almost groaned. "Not another description in front of the mirror!"
Then, I went, "Wait, what? A boy? Named Stella? Back up a sec!"

And I reread, laughing at myself. This, was a great opener, I found. It had description but also intrigue; why is Stella dressing as a boy? And, of course, my favourite element; magic!

She took a calming a coming breath and walked the two steps to the door and opened it
I think you added a word too many, there.

“You can tell the Captain I will be out there shortly after I finished packing,” Stella said before shutting the door in the face of the boy
This is probably just me being too nitpicky, but it bugs me the way the part in bold is worded. Maybe switch it to; in the boy's face? I mean, I get 'in the face of danger', but this seemed off.

She waiting till she heard his boots move down the hall and out of hearing before grabbing her already packed bag, and throwing her hood over her head.
waited

She could see a muscle twitch in his cheek at her insubordination, but knowing he couldn’t do anything about it.
again, wording a little off there. Try 'but knew he couldn't do anything about it" instead; it'll flow much better.

“I need my sleep, and if I don’t get it, I’m sure if I returned to Lord Jorphin and tell him I wish to change units to one that would allow me more sleep, he would be more than happy to.

Maybe I just need some sleep but I couldn't make sense of this. "I need my sleep. If I don't get it, I'm sure Lord Jorphin would be more than happy to change me to a unit that would allow it." Or something. Too nitpicky?

Stella gave a sharp whistle, and a pure white horse wears an equally white saddle trotted up to her and nuzzled her gently
wearing

“Hey there, Blanche,” she said, rubbing the horses nose and handing him a sugar cube.
horse's

With a quick practiced motion, she climbed into the saddle
onto

[quote He looked up to see one of his watchers come run up to him.][/quote] unnecessary.

and another man (comma) who was a mage judging by the red clothing he wore(comma) andriding a white horse.


As one (comma) his entire pack moved forward silently, and before the Torshens could react (comma) twenty of their men lay dead.


Most of the men began to panic, drawing their swords and swinging it wildly to defend themselves, but were quickly taken down. Few of the more trained soldiers managed to get their sword out in time to defend themselves from the onslaught, but as their comrades quickly dwindled and they were overrun by pure numbers.

Have you heard of showing, not telling? It would have been nice to see this scene. To watch the wolves attack, and the humans defending themselves, or at least trying to. I want to smell the sweat and blood, not be told it's being shed.

At the front, the captain of the unit lay under his horse, still alive, screaming obscenities at the Sharqis, but they only feel on deaf ears.
fell

Stella blushed in anger and in embarrassment, but knew he was correct. Normally she used magic to suppress her monthly bleeding, but guessed now that her magic was being blocked, it was happening for the first time in a while. Even now, she could feel the cramps burn in her lower abdomen in answer to the realization.
This would have been another nice scene; to have her wake up to her bleeding cramps and not understand why. "Was I stabbed? It hurts so bad!"

With that he walked away, only stopping to talk in a growling voice to brown furred wolf she didn’t see before.
there should be an 'a" between the words in bold.

Well, Leth, I'm done with the nitpicks.

Overall, I thought this was an interesting piece. It had elements of magic, and intrigue and that definitely catches my eye. But this chapter needs a little work. Your characters, I found, are slightly two-dimensional. They don't think or feel anything. Stella doesn't feel disorientated or afraid, at all. She has her identity to hide and she isn't freaking out a all?

Another thing is the fact that you say she hasn't had her period 'in a while'. I know, from experience, that when you suppress your period, you pay for it two-fold. It would have been a nice touch, here.

Simply adding details to this piece will help improve it much. I think the scene I love the most was when Stella called her horse. It was beautiful, in my head. The scene after, the horse is dead. Now, there's nothing touching.

I strongly suggest you go back line by line and picture the scenes in your head. What do you see? Write it down. Show us because we want to see also. Especially since you're throwing us in the middle of a war, in a fictive country we know nothing about, and really want to get to know. So, help us see it, with your five senses and with showing it, not telling it.

I would really like to read more of this; you've caught my interest.
Pm me when you post more?
Tanya :D
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 7:23 pm
MadameLuxestrange says...



Hi there! Alright, I really liked your story line. There were some questions I had though. Why is Stella disguising as a man? Are women not allowed to be mages? Other than that there were some grammar mistakes pointed out by borntobeawriter that I agree with.
Keep up the story! I want to read more!
~Luxy :-D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.
  





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Sat Nov 20, 2010 9:42 pm
silentpages says...



In an effort to procrastinate NaNoWriMo, I decided to review something! ^^ This wasn't bad. My notes going through:

"Stella was extremely glad for having a small chest, making it easier to hide her sex under the baggy robes." To me, this is on the verge of too telling. She can be grateful for having a small chest, but I think we should be able to figure out soon enough why she's dressing like a boy, and we can imply that she's hiding her sex in the first place.

"She took a calming a coming breath." 'A coming' needs to go.

"bringing her wraith on his head." Wrath. Unless of course she's capable of summoning wraiths, in which case, by all means, go ahead with what you have. ;)

"Without making a single noise, Grishka told them that the enemy was coming and everyone should get into position." I think you could probably rework this a bit... If someone misses the 'Without making a single noise' thing, they wouldn't get that the wolves were communicating mentally, or with- uh- tail twitches or whatever. Maybe put, "The enemy's coming. Everyone get into position" in italics or something. That's a relatively common way to show nonverbal communication, so the reader should be able to understand, at least after a second.

I liked how the captain kept swearing, up to his last breath. It gives us a good sense of his character... Even if that character's gone now. XD

Your scene transitions could be a little more clear. Either add some extra lines between scenes if you can, or put a ~ or *** between them... Otherwise it could be a little hard to tell where one scene ends and another begins.

"... and his hands were made for holding stuff." Ohhhh... People in the kind of era you're writing in don't speak this way, I believe, and it totally broke the mood. So, I'd find another way to word this. Like-- "And they had been gifted with opposable thumbs" or "their paws could easily grip anything from the hilt of a sword to a crust of bread" etc. etc. etc.

"she could tell he someone got the answer" Somehow.

OVERALL:
This isn't a bad start, but as someone else mentioned, I wouldn't mind a little more showing and a little less telling. What should've been the most actioney part in this - the wolves attacking Stella and the soldiers she was with - passed by so quickly, I barely had time to take it in. As someone else touched on, there's a lot we don't know yet. Why is Stella pretending to be a boy: what's the point of this 'experiment'? Wouldn't a military company know better than to go down the only path through the forest, making them obvious targets? At least wouldn't they have had more men, or been more alert, etc. etc. etc.? What are the wolves after? What are the people after?

Basically, this isn't half bad, but I think it could use a little polishing, and I'd like a little more information. Pretty much everything borntobeawriter suggested. :)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)
  





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Mon Nov 22, 2010 3:10 am
SaraAnne says...



This is really strong writing. Well done on creating such a believable world. I enjoyed reading this.

Quick things:

"...for fear of bringing her wraith on his head."

This made me laugh for the wrong reasons. A wraith is a ghoul/spirit/ghost thingy. Like Lord of the Rings, Ring-wraiths. I am pretty sure you mean 'wrath!' :smt002

" a few curse words in the Torshen language bubble through the man’s mouth." - bubble out of the man's mouth. God, that is great expression. I could see and hear that! Well done.

“Good, handcuff the mage and bring him with us.”

Handcuffs are modern, it is certainly a modern term. I was reading this and thinking this was an epic fantasy, swords, wolves, robes and mages. Handcuffs seemed a bit out of place.

Also, you might need to make it clearer that some of the wolves have the anatomy neccessary for using handcuffs earlier. I was super weirded out when I came to that.

"... and his hands were made for holding stuff." Stuff is a bad word. Banish it from your writing. In fact, just pretend it isn't in Stella's language. Same goes for 'got' and 'very.' These are the kind of words that make writing weaker, not stronger.

"Stella cursed to herself; she knew what a Cashka was. It was a special stone found in the Doshiko’ja homeland. It was infamous for having the ability to consume all magic around it, and being able to be stored so that the Doshiko’ja, who had no magic abilities themselves, could tap into it’s powers and perform magic that even Stella had trouble with."
This is a really cool concept :)

Less quick things

So, this is good writing, okay? GOOD.

But, I think you may need to do some work on Stella. She is obviously very brave, but I think you may need to consider the fact that if you wake up, surrounded by terrifying wolf men, you are going to be afraid. Stella really needs to be afraid in that scene.

This is part of a broader theme in writing, which is the balance between action and emotion. You need to make sure that your characters aren't just going through the paces, but that they are living their experiences. You have to constantly be asking yourself "how does Stella feel about..." "How does Griska feel about...." It is difficult to do this in fast paced scenes, but you're writing will be better for it.

Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed this and I will make sure to keep a look out for part two.
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Mon Nov 22, 2010 4:32 am
JazzyJumppi says...



You have great writing potential like it a lot !You should try publishing! Check out mine it’s called
The Double Life!
  








It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.
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