Young Writers Society

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat
between layers of ice in a fish mart.
You’d say she’s long gone;
left on the Oregon Trail and never came back.
Silence yourselves
naysayers, pessimists, curmudgeons.
No,
Humanity survives in feeling.
To be human is to
think, err, feel, breathe, love, triumph
deeply.
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
the one united to the very fibers,
that even the Stanley Steemer guys
with their presumptuous, boa constrictor-like hoses
can’t make surrender.
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country
Humanity persists
in her fantastic omnipresence.

Her emotions bend at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long
under Plath’s bell jar.
She rears her beautiful head
through that beautiful dent in the wall there.
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
when drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
from Despair’s chasm.

Critics say
Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”
They snake through a table set for English tea
like blood cantering to the cheeks.
A byproduct of a subtle, elephant-in-the-room madness.
Rage like acid and fire,
positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in its chemical reactions.
Humanity,
She isn’t test tubes and lab coats,
she’s emotion.
Gullet throttling, entrail searing
ire
that presides over and feasts to
bar fights and trashy reality show brokenness
exulting with the face deflating suckerpunches and
bitter hair yanking.
Actions divested to the instinct
from a wine that now leaps like salmon onto hair and clothes
and carpet.

Jam your thumb into the off button
ignorance is bliss,
heaven,
nirvana,
the ending of an Austen novel
where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws
can be heard from the streets outside.
A good mood like a summer’s day,
like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
you can simply picnic in.
Not even a drop of wine on the linens
can empty such internal sunshine.

Humanity’s tumultuous rollercoaster,
nay, Humanity’s turbulent theme park.
It is sadness, anger, happiness.
It is depression, rage, ecstasy.
It is bunching up skirts, throwing back hair
and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in purity.

Here as requested! Ok. Well, the first thing I noticed was the capital letters at the beggining of every line. In this poem in particular it was quite annoying. It takes away from the flow, so I will rewrite it without it, and you can read it to see if you like it any better. I'll also try and give you a punctuation sceme here.

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between layers of ice
in some fish market. This just really stuck out here. It really bugged me because it doesn't fit with your flow.
You’d say she’s long gone, [b]You jump from dead fish to some unknown girl
She’s Fortunado There is no such word as fortunado. There is fortunato I do believe, it means lucky. Also why the sudden use of another language?
Sent to her grave at the hand of barbarism, malace, and greed.
You'd say this,
but you'd be wrong. We wouldn't say this, you just said that.
To be human is to
think, Why are you talking about being human now, this is really jumpy.
Err, Err makes no sense. Maybe I just don't know what it means.
Feel,
Deeply. Deeply is really random here.
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
The one united to the very fibers
That even the Stanley Steemer guys
With their presumptuous, boa constrictor- Like would go here.
Like hoses
Can’t make surrender. It's descriptive, but it doesn't really go with the poem. It's just another jumpy moment.
Origin unknown, Another jump!
It just is.
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country humanity breathes. I don't know what Freud's country has to do with anything.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy, hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long
Under Plath’s bell jar.
She rears her beautiful head through
That dent in the wall there,
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
When drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.
Critics say
Picasso’s blue period
Painted the road to insanity,
The words “we’re all mad here”
Snake through a table set for English tea
Like blood cantering to the cheeks.
A byproduct of a madness the hatter was oblivious to,
Rage like acid and fire
Positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in it’s chemical reactions.
However,
humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats
She’s emotion. I'm starting to get this now.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
Ire
That presides over and feasts to
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls.
With their face deflating suckerpunches and
Bitter hair pulling
People divested to the instinct
From a wine that now leaps like salmon onto hair and clothes
And carpet.
Jam your thumb into the off button
Ignorance is bliss,
Heaven, nirvana,
The ending of an Austen novel
Where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws can be heard from the street outside.
A summer’s day like a good mood,
Like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
You can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, grapes,
Not even a drop of wine on the linens
Can drag you down

Humanity’s rollercoaster,
Nay humanity’s theme park
It is sadness
It is anger
It is happiness.
It is depression
It is rage
It is ecstasy
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair Reminds me of a weggie...
And living vicariously through the raindrops
That stain the earth in their purity.[/quote]


Ok. So as you can see I didn't fix all of the capital letters and all of the punctuation. My computer is messing up something awful, and it is making this very difficult for me.

I do think that the errors were destracting with the punctuation. I know you said before not to comment on it, but it's not that hard to fix. I fixed some of it, and on a normal day I would just edit the whole thing, but with my computer and all you know.

I also don't like the capital letters. They are very distracting and they mess up the flow. It would just be better without them being on every line, I feel, but it's completly up to you.

I also noticed how jumpy you are. I was reading one thing, and then you were saying something completely different. It is very distracting in poetry. I thing that you should slowly lead up to each topic, and some of the unnecessary things can be omited.

Other than that you have potential! I hope I have been helpful. If you ever need another review feel free to let me know.

-Flow-

Hey Jade, here to review on request. For your question, I do review poetry but on request since I am not an expert at it. But I need to improve my skills, so why not?

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between the layers of ice in a fish mart.

Beautiful opener and for a moment I couldn't recollect the meaning of the word 'trout'. Also, I am not sure if you could do away with the word 'the' where I have put it up.

As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country
Humanity persists.

So true! I love this part.

No, Humanity is feeling.

You should add 'a' here since it would not disrupt the flow of the poem and only make it better. Otherwise, this kind of looks hollow and emotion-less.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.

This was yet another good line.

She’s melancholy hysterical.

The problem I am going to dictate might be just because I am not that artistic poet. Being hysterical isn't a good thing for anyone so I didn't see a point in adding 'melancholy' here. It is as it is clear that hysteria can never be a good thing. But it's your choice and it might be good to add the word to suit the rhythm and the flow.

Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”

Wow, this was something I didn't know. Thanks for sharing the information with me. This also shows how well researched your piece is and how much knowledge you have. Bravo!

Just to start from, this poem did have some great points to it and I seriously loved the flow in the beginning, but then as the middle thing approached and the end neared I began to be puzzled. I didn't know what was happening and there was a point where I completely lost myself. That might be because I never read poetry except for the ones in my school course and you just made me realize that I should start doing that. There were points that I totally didn't understand if it any longer held significance to the poem's backdrop, but I ain't that deep thinker.

I think most of the confusion might have arisen because the text wasn't properly divided into paras, which was quite tough to read and it seemed like a big chunk of words. The second one was the longest, and the most emotion-filled. For your readers to understand the importance of what you're saying, you need to give them adequate space to breathe. So just don't take that away for them, and make this into short short paras, or spaces, where they can rest, enter one thing into their mind and get ready for another. That's how it should have been. You could start from the next part from here-Critics say ...There were many good things here which I think was the whole punch of the poem. Reading this, I could see that you had probably spent a lot of time writing it and giving all its points a good thought. I did tell the points especially I liked.

Title:
Well, I think you couldn't have had a better title for this poem and I advise you to stick with this rather than hunting down another one. That would be more cool. So, yeah, I think it's for some contest, so best of luck with it.

Good luck,
Shubhi

I didn't read any of the reviews before mine, so sorry if it's repeating things that someone already said.

FRAYEDjade wrote:Obviously this needs copious amounts of TLC. Please help.
I need a new title, suggestions are welcome.
Thank you so much. (:


You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat between layers of ice in a fish mart.
I like this description
You’d say she’s long gone;
left on the Oregon Trail and never came back.Who is she and where did she go?
Step off naysayers, pessimists, curmudgeons.I don't understand this line
No, Humanity survives in feeling.
To be human is to
think, err, feel, breathe, love, triumph
deeply.Love the Philosophy here
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
the one united to the very fibers,
that even the Stanley Steemer guys
with their presumptuous, boa constrictor-like hoses
can’t make surrender.Love the description
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country
Humanity persists.

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long
under Plath’s bell jar.
She rears her beautiful head throughThis sounds awkward to me
that dent in the wall there.
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
when drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.

Critics say
Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”
They snake through a table set for English tea Who, the critics?
like blood canteringThis sounds odd, maybe use a better word. to the cheeks.
A byproduct of a madness even he was absent to.
Rage like acid fire,
positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in its chemical reactions.
However Humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats,
she’s emotion.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
ire Maybe move this up.
that presides over and feasts toThis sounds odd too. Do you mean presides over feasts to bar fights and ...?
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls
heralding with the face, deflating suckerpunches and
bitter hair yanking.
Actions divested to the instinct
from a wine that now leaps like salmon onto hair and clothes
and carpet.Nice image

Jam your thumb intoshouldn't this be on? the off button
ignorance is bliss,
heaven, nirvana,
the ending of an Austen novel
where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws can be heard from the street outside.
A summer’s day like a good mood,
like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
you can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, berries,
not even a drop of white on the linens
can drag you away.

Humanity's tumultuous rollercoaster,
nay, Humanity's turbulent theme park
It is sadness.
It is anger.
It is happiness.
It is depression.
It is rage.
It is ecstasy.
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair
and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.

I like your flow here, but I don't see how the parts where you're talking about a guy and girl relate to Humanity, which seems to be the theme of your poem. The imagery you used is unusual and makes your poem stand out. Some of it made me laugh out loud. I'm glad I wasn't reading it in the university library. What is Humanity's tumultuous rollercoaster and turbulent theme park? I didn't understand that from your poem at all. Can you make that clearer please? Keep going! By the way, you don't need a period after your title. Watch out for those typo's.

Hello! Sorry it has taken so long for me to get to this. Well, here goes-- So, I like all the metophors, I like the theme, and how you wrote this without sounding cleche at all... I don't like how at some places you use a whole butt load of really big hardd to pronounce words (sorry about the bad spelling, no spell cheak and my browser doesn't have it) it just messes up the flow of the poem when you have to go to dictionary.com to look up the meaning a how to say the word... Now, using uncommon words like that is also really good, just as long as it can still be read... So, on to my nit-picks!

Blue- what I think could change to make the poem, in my opinion, better.
Red- Things that MUST be changed to be grammerly correct.
Pick/Purple- thinks I really like
Green- Additional comments

You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
squished like lunchmeat
between layers of ice in a fish mart. << I think this should be two lines, to help with the flow, make it easier to read.
You’d say she’s long gone;
left on the Oregon Trail and never came back. << Here I think you should change this to "set off" because it you go from talking about a trout to this and when it says "Left on" I think of that fish just lieing there, you know left on the ground...
Step off naysayers, pessimists, curmudgeons. << All of these are big, hard to prononce words, maybe used farthere apart they would work, but all in the same sentence I have no clue what you are talking about...

I kind of think that you should make this another stanza...

No, Humanity survives in feeling.
To be human is to
think, err, feel, breathe, love, triumph
and to do so deeply. I think something like this should be added, to make more sence and to help with flow...
As deeply as that wine stain on the carpet,
the one united to the very fibers,
that even the Stanley Steemer guys
with their presumptuous, boa constrictor-like hoses
can’t make surrender. << I like this, but it is kind of long, not sure if you should change it or not, just pointing that out.
As long as the feelings are true,
As long as vulnerability lives,
somewhere in Freud's country << I don't exacly get this...
Humanity persists.

I like this, you used some nice metaphors and good imagery... I would also like to say that keeping your lines the same- or some what the same- leanth will help things flow good, but you have to be careful, you can't just cut of a line in the middle of a thought unless it is a a good spot, PM me if you would like some examples...

Her emotion bends at awkward angles.
She’s melancholy hysterical.
Sensation exploded from stewing too long << love this part!
under Plath’s bell jar. << I think you should say something else, you don't stew things in a jar do you??
She rears her beautiful head through This is a good example of a bad place to brake a line up. The thought is just left hanging and it jsut seems ackward... Well to me at least...
that dent in the wall there.
Where your wine bottle erupted like Krakatau
when drunkenness and art proved to be false escapisms
To the chasm of despair.

This is good, the last part is ok, It just didn't click with me is all...


Before I talk about this part I just want to say that I find that having long lines then short lines then really long lines and then really short lines in the same stanza is kinda of off...

Critics say
Picasso’s blue period painted the road to insanity
yet in the words of the Hatter, “we’re all mad here.”
They snake through a table set for English tea
like blood cantering to the cheeks.I absolutly love this part! Mainly the referance to the Mad Hatter! I love him!!!
A byproduct of a madness even he was absent to.
Rage like acid fire, << It is this part and on that gets me, the variety in line leanth just sets me off.
positively caustic, acerbic, acrid in its chemical reactions.
However Humanity isn’t test tubes and lab coats,
she’s emotion. << I like this too, this is a very good metaphor.
She’s gullet throttling, entrail searing
ire that presides over and feasts to Just that here helps
bar fights and trashy reality show brawls
heralding with the face deflating suckerpunches
and bitter hair yanking. << moving this here helps too. I don't think you should ever end a line with "and: unless it has a sesific perpose to be like that...
Actions divested to the instinct
from a wine that now leaps like salmon
onto hair and clothes and carpet. << I would make all this one line...

Ok, so, I alreay said all there is to say about this mostly.

Jam your thumb into the off button I would change this to "at"
ignorance is bliss,
heaven, nirvana,
the ending of an Austen novel
where Lizzie Bennet’s guffaws
can be heard from the street outside. << New line
A summer’s day like a good mood,
like faultless happiness.
Tickling heat and blatantly perfect breezes
you can simply picnic in.
Bread, cheese, berries,
not even a drop of white on the linens
can drag you away.

I like, it is nice and sets a nice mood.

Humanity’s tumultuous rollercoaster,
nay, Humanity’s turbulent theme park < love this part too
It is sadness.
It is anger.
It is happiness.
It is depression.
It is rage.
It is ecstasy.
It is hiking up your skirt , throwing back your hair
and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.

I like the ending, "tumultuous is an odd word but hay, it works, I love the second line. Here, the differance in line leanth is ok, because there is a reason for it.

Over all, I really liked this poem. Some of the words make it tedeous to read, which will turn off a lot of people, now using word like that is really good, just not all in one sentence. The akward line leanghs also can be a turn off. Just fixing these little things can make a poem a lot better!

Hope this helps!

~Rain~

I feel your poem has already taken a beating so I won’t say too much. I think you need to use the comments you already have as you seem to have more than most people.

I was only going to comment on the last stanza but the first line bothers me a little.
You’d say humanity looks like a dead trout,
It’s probably fine, and this is just an honest opinion, but it’s a little long and lost from rhythm. It doesn’t flow into the next line either, generally making it hard to slip into. This could just be the way I’m reading it. It also seems a little straightforward, and a little far from the semantic field of a theme park that I was hoping for.

Bu I was mainly thoughtful towards the last stanza, as I always think the last should always be the strongest yet it has the least comments relating to it.
Nay humanity’s theme park – Needs a comma. Nay is a filler, an exclamation (and so an exclamation mark would also be appropriate) but it’s not grammatically correct.

It is sadness
It is anger
It is happiness.
It is depression
It is rage
It is ecstasy
You’ve said life is a theme park, rollercoaster etc. So I think it would be better if this last part reflect that too. Up and down, good bad. Sadness, happiness, anger, ecstasy.
But this part does go on a bit. To be honest, through a glance you get the gist and from there so a reader is most likely to let their eyes skim over it until you start adding variation again. It’s a list, and alongside the structure of a list it’s designed to be skimmed over and therefore not too engaging. Instead, pick just a few strong points. Yes, you may be able to think of lots of valid words, but half the point of poetry is to select the ones that mean the most, instead of going with all of them.

It is hiking up your skirt, - after the other comment, I can’t take that seriously

and living vicariously through the raindrops
that stain the earth in their purity.
Not even sure this makes sense both symbolically and literally. The ongoing metaphors that are strikingly powerful are ones that are valid literally and flow freely in a readers mind while still holding strong metaphor meanings. By saying that humanity living through the raindrops that leave a mark by being pure... This just doesn’t work for me.
The juxtaposition of ‘Staining’ and ‘purity’ would create strong imagery, although purity is something that’s associated with ‘washing over’, as to make something pure, you can’t stain it. Staining will ruin, discolour, taint, which goes against the nature of purity (in a contradictory way more than a poetic).

But there’s not many references to rollercoaster’s in here. It would be more appropriate to name it something fishy, maybe do a little research in that area and see what fits metaphorically.

A general point I will make, is pay more attention to what you are saying and less to how it sounds. I could help you more with this poem if you could provide a commentary explaining what you did and why, what the poem means to you even if it’s just in note form. Otherwise it’s hard to tell what is intentional, and if you managed to convey the point you want to. Of course this will take a lot of input on your part, so if you’re rewriting or not too bothered then I’ll understand. Anyway, I hope this helped and good luck with your writing.