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Till Death Do Us Apart-Chapter 1



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Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:38 am
BlueShubs says...



Hey all! So here goes chapter-1, horribly written by Shubhi, edited by Blue. If you're thinking after reading about Eric and Amy's past, don't worry, we've planned things. It's raw, but probably we'd edit once we have more clear idea of how to progress it.

We created a club.....FOLLOW!.
AMY
The screeching of the chalk against the blackboard coincided with the prom night being replayed inside my head. The flashing lights, the disco ball, and the worst of all-his hands rolled around her waist. I found myself trying to escape the wrath of the mist all around me, holding tight to the hem of my mauve gown. A faint echo buzzed around my ear, followed by the feel of a hand against my elbow. It was Jake. He held my hand gingerly, and pulled me back to him. The mist grew even stronger, his voice more still. I was sure he was saying something, but what. As if the whole world around me was slopping like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me, I groaned in pain. Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran down my spine.
"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there.
I tried to push away the puddle of thoughts conquering my mind and bring back some gaiety to my heart. What would have happened if Ellen had never entered our lives? Obviously, Eric won't have been attracted to her like a magnet and right now his hands would have been covering my waist-not hers. And Jake? Not sure. For a hunk like him, finding someone who did justice to him couldn't have been tough. All might have ended well. If it wasn't for that Ellen-the witch she is.
I looked deep into the contemplating eyes of Jake-Don't you love me? It was the only thing that I could read in his eyes. I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes. You're in so love with him, Amy!I smiled. But what about Eric then? If he didn't care about breaking me, why should I care about him? As it is, he had someone.
It might have been this exact moment when something hit me hard on my face. I shrieked in pain, dimly aware of the greatest sin that I had committed. I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. How could you, Amy? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. I just stared at her.
"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.
"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.
"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.
"No, Mrs-"
"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.
"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.
"Then why weren't you looking at the board?"she growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world.
"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly-where did you buy this pink jokers' bodysuit from?" I pulled my head back a bit, and started eying her plush pink disaster. Her evil smile vanished, leaving behind a pout. I don't know what had gotten into me, but the bubbling anger inside me, directed at Eric, was coming out in this form. How much ever I tried to bring myself together to believe in my true love for Jake, in another instance my brain snatched me back to another conclusion-I loved Eric.
Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!
A laughter slipped out. Not from me, not from her. But from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter. As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down, though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.
Detention after school on Tuesday.I later came to know that she had proposed the same chit to Eric.
Neatly signed with her pink gel pen, it was nothing more than a routine for me. I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this. I had been numb all this while, just Eric's recent laughter ringing in my head. Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter. Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.
"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers. Look, she got a manicure for the first time. I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.
Jessica rose her hands proudly, fixing her glasses steadily on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" Mrs. Harrowgate smiled sweetly, folding her hands in front of her almost flat chest.
"The plants of this group bear-" Blah! Blah! Blah!

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As the dreariness of the Biology class washed away, I walked towards Jake, who was sitting on a table in the cafeteria. From where I was coming, only his bronze coloured hair was visible. He wasn't a Biology student. He believed that it was for nerds, debarring me, of course. And after the stint by Jessica today, I couldn't very well ignore his theory.
"Hey!" I sat down next to him, watching him take the last bite of his hamburger. He winced at me, and wiped off the mayonnaise sauce smeared on the right side of his face.
"Hmm, sorry I had my lunch. What would you have? I'll get you whatever you like," he asked, pointing at the food stalls. I simply smiled and rested my face on my left elbow. Even though the Biology class was over, Eric's laugh pierced my heart and I felt a sudden raft of disgust on myself. What would he think of me now? I wondered. Shut up, Amy! Why do you care? Another voice from my heart stepped into my thought.
The coke drizzled down Jake's throat as he kept on looking at me. His eyebrows came nearer and lines transcended his forehead."What's the matter, Amy?"
"Oh, nothing-" Why did God give him his great face-reading power?
"Don't lie to me," he spoke. Deja vu added to my already frustrated self.
As I lazily narrated the events of the uneventful Biology class, his face hardened. I don't know why, but it did. I told him everything except, of course, about the prom night pain. I managed to convince him that I was dreaming about our dance, and for the first time since I had began narrating, a smile ran through his lips, only to vanish again. Eric! His Laugh!
"How dare he?" Jake growled. His nose flared, and his innocent face transformed into the face of a devil. Only a devil I wouldn't be harmed by.
"Leave him, Jake. He's just missing Ellen today." I reasoned, not showing any favour for Eric in my voice. I was going for reasoning. Smart enough.
"But that's no reason to laugh at my girl."
"Leave that."
"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.
"It's fine. Let's go, I ain't in no mood for lunch." I kept my hands on his and pressed them tightly.
"You'll become a size zero model, then, I guess." He joked, and the smile I wanted to see had returned.
Jake signalled me to stand up and as I did so, he jogged to my side and wrapped his caring hands around my shoulders. We walked away from the cafeteria to our next class, History. Mr. Stuart had already started explaining Hitler's mindset with great interest when we entered. We set ourselves cozily on two adjacent desks. I leaned backwards and relaxed for the first time since the morning. No more of Eric for next thirty minutes was a thought enough to wash away all the pain.
Three months back his absence would have created a pit in my stomach and it wasn't that pleasant even now without him, but it was easy to convince myself that I didn't love him any more if he wasn't around. So his absence proved to be a boon for me.
My eyes shifted to Jake, who had already been looking at me for the past five minutes. I shot him a smile and turned my attention to the blackboard. No Mrs. Harrowgate either. Ah, what a bliss!

As I walked out of the school, with my fingers fitting into the spaces between Jake's, forming a jigsaw, a sense of pleasure grew in my stomach. The birds flew, the ocean blue of the sky was still intact and the mirth all around filled my heart with pleasure. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried to drift away to a world where there was no Eric or Ellen. Just my Utopia!

Thanks, next is Blue's writing-for sure! I know you're tired of my mistakes.

EDITED
Last edited by BlueShubs on Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:26 pm, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:13 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey guys,

Thanks for the PM!

Okay, this is going to be brutally honest, ladies, but I really don't see the point of this chapter. I mean, after that awesome prologue, I thought we'd be going back in time to see where Amy and Eric had been an item or something. So is your plan to go back and forth in flashbacks? I'm not sure that's such a great idea. I mean, that would be a way to confuse your readers.

I felt this chapter to be awkward and repetitive. I liked the closeness between Jake and Amy, but that's it. AMy was redundant in her hate Eric/miss Eric thoughts. His laugh perturbed her, she was looking for him, not looking for him, clinging to Jake while thinking of Eric. Where DOES Jake fit in this picture? She's simply using him to get to Eric?

This chapter didn't clarify anything, confused me a lot more, made me wonder what the whole issue between Eric and Amy was, why she was using Jake this way. I really thought you guys would go back in time and describe how all this came about, and you didn't, which is fine because you know what you're doing. But...

The positive side to this is I love Jake. In the 'he's the poor gullible good guy who'll end up with a broken heart' way. I like his obvious affection for Amy.

I hope this wasn't too harsh a review but it's meant to be constructive. Besides, you'll see what the other reviewers opinions are.

Hope this was helpful.
Tanya :D
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:46 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey, it's Shubhi on behalf of BlueShubs.

Thanks, Tanya, and I do understand what you mean, but when we go for editing, we'd go for all the options you told. We need these small things before we move on to Eric and Amy. Thanks, though, we appreciate your time. :)
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 6:16 pm
ImABookPerson says...



Hey, guys. Thanks for the PM by the way :D
First of all, i got to agree with Born with her review. I didn't understand were did Jake fit in. Was he friends with Eric once? were they like all best friends?

But don't get me wrong, i still do like the characters, but i can't say anything about Eric yet. I just didn't get the plot of this story.

Anyway, that's all i got. I hope i didn't sound mean :S
But i still can't wait for the next chapter though :D and to see what will happen between the characters. Dun dunn dunnn xD.
Keep on writing!

~Book Person~
I won't run when the sky turns to flame
and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:59 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, Shubhi and Lily! ^^

Nitpicks/comments

The flashlights, the disco ball, and the worst of all-his hands rolled around her waist.

I would reword this:
The flashing lights, the disco ball, and worst of all, his hands rolled around her waist.
Flashlights = Battery-powered portable light. I don't think that's what you were going for XD
I was sure he was saying something, but what

I think it would have been much cooler if the 'but what' was italicized.
Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran through my spine.

Down my spine?
This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table.

Right now, you're describing the teacher as very violent. I know how it works, Shubhi, from where we come from. Teachers are mean. But if this is in America, teachers do not bang their hands on student's desk without special reason. Some teachers do, but for amusement. To show real anger, they send students to the principal's office or yell at them in a reasonable voice. They don't let emotions get the better of them, as far as I know. Maybe you ought to go back and make her seem less destructive.
Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.

This bit a little confusing, where does this paper come from? Be sure to explain what she's trying to do in detail otherwise we're left confused.
I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this.

What reason? You never really explained why she got into trouble...was it because she was reminiscing the events at prom? I think the teacher should have just given her warning or something, that's hardly a reason to send someone to detention for, but I don't know...
Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter.

Ugh, I'm so hating Eric right now! >.>
"The plants of this group bear-" Blah! Blah! Blah!

LOL
Why do you care? "Another

You have a random quotation mark here. lol
"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.

That's what I was saying! >,< lol

Overall


Alright, first of all, I'm going to have to disagree with Tanya on this one. (I'm so sorry, wife!)
But, I think you sort of needed a chapter to explain her feelings and the closeness of Amy and Jake's relationship. Also, the way she feels about Eric. Apparently, there's a lot of emotions that are being played right now and it's hard to write them clearly, I know that from experience. And I do think that this chapter did well with explaining her feelings - but it was bit slow and I think that's where we get stuck.
I think you could have made this first chapter a lot more interesting, I mean it is the first chapter and you need to grab some attention with it. See if we were to skip the prologue and read chapter one by itself, it would be extremely confusing since you don't go into detail with Amy and Eric's previous relationship. We can infer that they were together before but what happened to them? I suggest you give us some info with the break-up and why she is now dating Jake. Some background knowledge would have been nice for this. Although, try not to info-dump.

You have a wonderful prologue but this first chapter is a bit lacking in action. You have your emotions down, I do like that but as for what is going on here, it's a bit slow. Now, if we take your writing into consideration, the descriptions were done quite well and the way you describe her emotions, I actually liked it. It was...different for me, for some reason. Still, there were a few parts where I was confused with the wording, mostly it was the transaction between her dream and then smacking back to reality. I think you need to go back and smooth that part out because I thought she was still at the prom and she bumped into her teacher and then all of a sudden she was in a classroom and I was like, "huh?" Haha, but I'm sure it'll be a quick edit.

Overall, I did enjoy reading this chapter. Jake seems like such a nice guy, I would totally pick him over Eric, who's like total jerk. Why was he laughing at her? He probably felt all smug and everything...Anyway, I'm not really liking his character and part of me wants her to really end up with Jake. :3 But, I'm still interested in where her story will go with him, considering that they are now exes. Hmm, not much else I want to point out, if you have any questions, PM me ^^
Hope I helped! Cheers,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Thu Oct 14, 2010 10:06 pm
Sins says...



Yo. 8)

I won't blabber (for once). Instead, I'll just get straight onto the review! Most of your nit-picks seem to be covered, but I'll se if I can find anything else here.

I was sure he was saying something, I wasn't listening. It was as if the whole world around me was slopping like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me.

This is more of a suggestion so that the but yeah. xD

"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.

I'm noticing that you're repeating but quite a lot.

"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked. Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk.

The teacher's reaction seems a bit melodramatic to me... :3 Also, the part I highlighted in red sounded a bit awkward. Maybe you should consider rephrasing it?

A laughter slipped out. Not from me, not from her, ut from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter.

You're also starting lots of sentences with but.

As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down, though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.

This whole paragrah felt a bit... off to me. To begin with, by the sound of it, the teacher is very strict. Surely, if she'd had heard Eric laughing, wouldn't she have gone completely mental on him? She lost it with your MC, yet when Eric starts laughing, she doesn't say anything? I also think that she's overreacting a tad bit.

Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.


"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked, and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers.


I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.


"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.

Just what I was thinking. xD

"You'll become a size zero model, then, I guess." He joked, and the smile I wanted to see had returned back.


My eyes shifted to Jake, who had already been glaring at me for the past five minutes.

I thought Jake was cool with Amy? Why is he glaring at her now?


Overall

I'm going to have to agree and disagree with the previous reviewers. I will have to admit that this first chapter isn't the bets I've ever read, but it certainly isn't bad! I just think that you can of a lot more with it because it definitely does have the potential. I have to agree with the others when they said that they love Jake because so do I! I feel so sorry for him, if I'm honest. He's clearly very fond of Amy, but her mind is too concentrated on Eric to really notice him like she should be noticing him. As a whole, your grammar and spelling was good. There were a few issues with comma's, but nothing too serious. You just need to be careful you don't overuse them at times.

My main critique about this might have to be that, I don't know if it's juts me, but I found it a bit repetitive. It felt as the the whole chapter was describing one thing; Amy's obsession with Eric. I got the impression about her feelings for Eric in the prologue, so I didn't really need to see all that about her feelings for him in this chapter. I understand that you guys want to make it clear how much Eric does, in fact, mean to Amy, but I think you've over-described it. I also get that you want to keep a lot of things secretive and mysterious. For example, you want to keep us wondering about Eric and Amy's past, and that's cool, but you need to be careful that you're not too secretive about things. One question on my kind is Jake's connection to Eric. You mentioned a few times in this where Amy mentioned Jake doing things that reminded her of Eric. At first, I thought they might be brother's or something, but I don't know. Basically... don't hesitate to inform us on some details.

I also found this a little bit confusing at times. I'm not 100% percent sure why though. I think that part of it might be the phrasing of some of the sentences, but as a whole, that's not too bad. I suppose you could say that it's what Tanya said. Amy was thinking about Eric, not thinking about him, getting upset by him. Meanwhile, not spending a second away from Jake, but thinking of Eric. This is kind of confusing, I guess, because a lot of things are running through Amy's head. Oh, and something else I've noticed is that in this novel, you describe things with the heart an awful lot. By that, I mean that you use the heart as an example of descriptions very often. By doing that, they came sometimes sound a bit repetitive, so that's something you need to watch out for. ;)

Negatives aside, of course this has great potential. All that this piece needs is a bit of polishing and it could end up really good. If you take use reviewers opinions into account and edit this up, this will soon be an epic opening chapter!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Fri Oct 15, 2010 1:55 pm
Yuriiko says...



Hello there again, BlueShubs!

Here to review as promised.

Okay. I don't think I need to do anymore a line by line review, seeing those previous critiques above me.

First of all, I agree to the guys before me, in some other ways. Yes, they said that how Amy narrates was a bit repetitive, and almost uninteresting to read, but hey, I think you have written this well. There are less awkward sentences to read, and your grammars and usage of punctuations are really improving. And to mention, how Amy depict things by showing.

Speaking of the story plot, I was a bit bored about how Amy still hopes for Eric and her to be back together again. And I feel so sorry for Jake, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I mean, if he ends up being brokenhearted by her, so be it. This is your story. :D Also, in my opinion, the chapter itself only revolves around Amy, Eric and Jake. It could have been really better if you have started the chapter with a bit of Amy's past and relationship with Eric before. It's because everything is kind of blurry to read. Turn on the windshields, BlueSHubs. Let the story speaks of a little background about your main characters, so it wouldn't be hard for us to keep tracks of the upcoming chapters.

Also, I would like you to expand more of your character's personality. Is Amy just going to be that girl who likes someone but does have someone? And Jake is just going to be that boy who'll be heartbroken sooner? I mean, as a reader, I want something compelling that could really stand out the characters in your novel. Narrating the chapter with the same or common conflicts would or might disinterest your readers. So I hope for the chapters coming next, it would be really interesting to read. With that being said, first chapters are what pulls the reader in to be motivated to read the whole novel.


All in all, I really think this has potential. Just so remember that don't make the story sound or look cliche'. Also, I would like to apologize in advance if ever you see this review vague or harsh. (>.<) Hoped I helped and PM me for questions.

Keep writing you two and best wishes.

Peace out,
Yuri
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Fri Oct 15, 2010 2:17 pm
BlueShubs says...



Hey there, Yuri. Thanks a lot with the review and thanks to all the others for pointing out the mistakes. And Book and Yuri, you weren't harsh.

We think you all are correct, and for now I'm(Shubhi) deleting this from here, and re-writing it. But once I'm done with it, I would come back and post it. Also, it might seem weird, but it was my idea to start with a normal day and also I think the prologue could be converted into chapter-1. What do you say?

Thanks a lot, and all those who come later-We're sorry and we'd inform you once we're over with the editing. And then you could read it and help us out.
  





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Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:17 am
Flower~Child says...



Hey there, here as requested.


We created a club.....FOLLOW!.
AMY
The screeching of the chalk against the blackboard coincided with the prom night being replayed inside my head. The flashing lights, the disco ball, and the I would admit the word, the. worst of, all-admit the word all.his hands rolled around her waist. I found myself trying to escape the wrath of the mist all around me, holding tight to the hem of my mauve gown. A faint echo buzzed around my ear, followed by the feel of a hand against my elbow. It was Jake. He held my hand gingerly, and pulled me back to him. The mist grew even stronger, his voice more still. I was sure he was saying something, but what.This is a question, so it needs a question mark. As if the whole world around me was slopping I don't like the word slopping here. Sloshing would sound better. like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me, I groaned in pain. Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran down my spine.
"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there. This seems a bit dramatic and cliche' I would change it.
I tried to push away the puddle of thoughts conquering my mind and bringing back some gaiety to my heart. What would have happened if Ellen had never entered our lives? Obviously, Eric won't You have been somewhat in past tense, so it would be wouldn't not wont'. have been attracted to her like a magnet and right now his hands would have been covering my waist-not hers. And Jake? Not sure. For a hunk like him, finding someone who did justice to him couldn't have been tough. All might have ended well. If it wasn't for that Ellen-the witch she is.
I looked deep into the contemplating eyes of Jake-Don't you love me? It was the only thing that I could read in his eyes. I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes. You're in so Shouldn't this be so in? love with him, Amy!I smiled. But what about Eric then? If he didn't care about breaking me, why should I care about him? As it is, he had someone.
It might have been this exact moment when something hit me hard on my face. I shrieked in pain, dimly aware of the greatest sin that I had committed. I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. This sentence makes no sense whatsoever to me. How could you, Amy? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. I just stared at her.
"Miss Mordant?" she smiled, but not a smile which could light you up. A dastardly one.
"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.
"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.
"No, Mrs-"
"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.
"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.
"Then why weren't you looking at the board?"she growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world. Ravaging world makes no sense here.
"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly-where did you buy this pink jokers' bodysuit from?" I pulled my head back a bit, and started eyeing her plush pink disaster. Her evil smile vanished, leaving behind a pout. I don't know what had gotten into me, but the bubbling anger inside me, directed at Eric, was coming out in this form. How much ever Ever much is backwards. I tried to bring myself together to believe in my true love for Jake, in another instance my brain snatched me back to another conclusion-I loved Eric.
Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!
A Just laughter would be fine, no A. laughter slipped out. , but Not from me, not from her. But from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter. As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down, though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table Desk?. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.
Detention after school on Tuesday.I later came to know that she had proposed the same chit? what to Eric.
Neatly signed with her pink gel pen, it was nothing more than a routine for me. I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this. I had been numb all this while, just Eric's recent laughter ringing in my head. Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter. Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.
"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers. Look, she got a manicure for the first time. I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. 'Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.
Jessica rose her hands proudly, fixing her glasses steadily on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" Mrs. Harrowgate smiled sweetly, folding her hands in front of her almost flat chest.
"The plants of this group bear-" Blah! Blah! Blah!

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

As the dreariness of the Biology class washed away, I walked towards Jake, who was sitting on a table in the cafeteria. From where I was coming, Is there really a pause here? I think it would be better without the comma. I'm not sure though. only his bronze coloured hair was visible. He wasn't a Biology student. He believed that it was for nerds, debarring me, of course. And after the stint by Jessica today, I couldn't very well ignore his theory.
"Hey!" I sat down next to him, watching him take the last bite of his hamburger. He winced at me, and wiped off the mayonnaise sauce smeared on the right side of his face.
"Hmm, sorry I had my lunch. What would you have? I'll get you whatever you like," he asked, pointing at the food stalls. I simply smiled and rested my face on my left elbow. Even though the Biology class was over, Eric's laugh pierced my heart and I felt a sudden raft of disgust on myself. What would he think of me now? I wondered. Shut up, Amy! Why do you care? Another voice from my heart stepped into my thought.
The coke drizzled down Jake's throat as he kept on looking at me. His eyebrows came nearer and lines transcended his forehead."What's the matter, Amy?"
"Oh, nothing-" Why did God give him his great face-reading power?
"Don't lie to me," he spoke. Deja vu added to my already frustrated self.
As I lazily narrated the events of the uneventful Biology class, his face hardened. I don't know why, but it did. I told him everything except, of course, about the prom night pain. I managed to convince him that I was dreaming about our dance, and for the first time since I had began narrating, a smile ran through his lips, only to vanish again. Eric! His Laugh!
"How dare he?" Jake growled. His nose flared, and his innocent face transformed into the face of a devil. Only a devil I wouldn't be harmed by.
"Leave him, Jake. He's just missing Ellen today." I reasoned, not showing any favour for Eric in my voice. I was going for reasoning. Smart enough.
"But that's no reason to laugh at my girl."
"Leave that."
"And why did Mrs. Harrowgate give detention? It wasn't a serious thing, " he protested.
"It's fine. Let's go, I ain't in no mood for lunch I know it's probably on purpose, but this sentence is just sloppy. I would reoword it.." I kept my hands on his and pressed them tightly.
"You'll become a size zero model, then, I guess." He joked, and the smile I wanted to see had returned.
Jake signalled me to stand up and as I did so, he jogged to my side and wrapped his caring hands around my shoulders. We walked away from the cafeteria to our next class, History. Mr. Stuart had already started explaining Hitler's mindset with great interest when we entered. We set ourselves cozily on two adjacent desks. I leaned backwards and relaxed for the first time since the morning. No more of Eric for next thirty minutes was a thought enough to wash away all the pain.
Three months back, his absence would have created a pit in my stomach and it wasn't that pleasant even now without him, but it was easy to convince myself that I didn't love him any more if he wasn't around. So his absence proved to be a boon for me.
My eyes shifted to Jake, who had already been looking at me for the past five minutes. I shot him a smile and turned my attention to the blackboard. No Mrs. Harrowgate either. Ah, what a bliss!

As I walked out of the school, with my fingers fitting into the spaces between Jake's, forming a jigsaw, a sense of pleasure grew in my stomach. The birds flew, the ocean blue of the sky was still intact and the mirth all around filled my heart with pleasure. I rested my head on his shoulder and tried to drift away to a world where there was no Eric or Ellen. Just my Utopia!

Thanks, next is Blue's writing-for sure! I know you're tired of my mistakes.

EDITED[/quote]


You didn't progress much from what you had before. I really want to connect to the characters, and I know this is a hard and slow process. I think that you should get rid of unnimportant details though. The lunchroom didn't have to happen, you could skip to History and tell him them.

Anyway besides that, and some major sentence errors at some parts, I liked it. I can't wait to read more from you.

-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.

  





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Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:00 am
Jashael says...



Hi, Blue and Shubs! I am here again as requested by Shubs...Hey, Shubs. Sorry I wasn't able to post this yesterday. I had to sleep =P too tired. =)) Anyway, I'm here now. LOL

Nitpicks are in pinkish font.

BlueShubs wrote:
Spoiler! :
Hey all! So here goes chapter-1, horribly written by Shubhi, edited by Blue. If you're thinking after reading about Eric and Amy's past, don't worry, we've planned things. It's raw, but probably we'd edit once we have more clear idea of how to progress it.

We created a club.....FOLLOW!.
AMY

The screeching of the chalk against the blackboard coincided with the prom night being replayed inside my head. The flashing lights, the disco ball, and
Spoiler! :
the
worst of all--his hands rolled around her waist. I found myself trying to escape the wrath of the mist I think that should be altered to "the mist of wrath"all around me, holding tight to the hem of my mauve gown. A faint echo buzzed around my ear, followed by the feel of a hand against my elbow. It was Jake. He held my hand gingerly,delete comma and pulled me back to him. The mist grew even stronger, his voice more still. I was sure he was saying something, but so what. As if the whole world around me was slopping like waves, and there were only four people alive on the planet: Jake, Ellen, Eric and me. I groaned in pain. Jake's grip grew tighter around my wrist and a sudden chill ran down my spine.
"What's the matter, baby?" He gawked, but still sounding like an echo. I turned back to look at Eric, his lips pursuing hers. I must have died millions of deaths right there.
I tried to push away the puddle of thoughts conquering my mind and bring back some gaiety to my heart. What would have happened if Ellen had never entered our lives? Obviously, Eric woouldn't be attracted to her like a magnet and right now his hands would have been covering my waist, not hers. And Jake? Not sure. For a hunk like him, finding someone who did justice to him couldn't have been tough. All might have ended well. If it wasn't for that Ellen-the witch she is. I find the previous sentence a bit confusing. I get the idea, but there's something wrong with it. I don't know how to fix it, so forgive me. Maybe someone could clear that up.
I looked deep into the contemplating eyes of Jake. "Don't you love me?" It was the only thing that I could read in his eyes. I dropped my head on his chest and closed my eyes. You're so in
Spoiler! :
so
love with him, Amy!
I smiled. But what about Eric then? If he didn't care about breaking me, why should I care about him? As it is, he had someone. Another confusing sentence I don't know how to fix.
It might have been this exact moment when something hit me hard on my face. I shrieked in pain, dimly aware of the greatest sin that I had committed. I had just sprang out my guts of bunking Mrs. Harrowgate's interesting Biology class. How could you, Amy? Poor Mrs. Harrowgate! I looked down at a fresh chalk piece, now broken into fragments. As realization struck me hard like a slap, my feet automatically shoved my body up, and in seconds I was standing on my feet. Mrs. Harrowgate stared at me. I returned the stare, though mildly. Her eyes dilated, growing their focus on my face. But all this didn't have any effect on me. (Maybe restate that, ex. "But her stare didn't have any effect on me because I just stared back." The pronoun "this" doesn't seem to fit in that sentence.I just stared at her.
"Miss Mordant?" She smiled, but not a smile which could light you up; it was a dastardly one.
"Yes, Mrs. Harrowgate?" I spoke, keeping my voice straight.
"Is there something more interesting going on?" She eyed me levelly.
"No, Mrs."
"Don't you dare lie to me," she barked.
"Hmm, I'm not." A sudden courage shoveled out the words out of my mouth.
"Then why weren't you looking at the board?" she growled. If you're ever the only person left on the planet and bump into her, I would consider you damn unlucky. She wasn't the pleasantest person to bump on a busy road, let alone an alone, ravaging world. I've stumbled upon a confusing sentence again.
"I think because you suck, your teaching sucks and most importantly, where did you buy that pink jokers' bodysuit from?" I pulled my head back a bit, and started eying her plush pink disaster. Her evil smile vanished, leaving behind a pout. I don't know what had gotten into me, but the bubbling anger inside me, directed at Eric, was coming out in this form. How much ever I tried to bring myself together to believe in my true love for Jake, in another instance my brain snatched me back to another conclusion--I loved Eric.
Her mole came to life, and started breathing according to her breaths. It would grow bigger when she exhaled out the cigar-filled breath, and it would come to normality when she took in some. She clenched her fist tightly into a ball, and banged it on my desk. Oh, poor desk!
A laughter slipped out. Not from me, not from her. But from a corner of the class where I had forbidden my eyes to enter. As all the faces turned towards Eric, his smile widened. He had to push his face down though, when Mrs. Harrowgate fixed her scary green eyes on him. Seriously, this was her effect. But on me, it couldn't work today somehow. This very reason might have rose the temperature of her fury to a fierce hundred degrees as she again banged her fist on my table. Consequently, a small paper flew off the desk. She launched her hand in the air to catch the paper, but it was already out of her reach. Now, ready to erupt as a volcano, she wrote something on a paper in her hand and tore it from the edges. She put it in my outstretched hand.
Detention after school on Tuesday.I later came to know that she had proposed the same chit to Eric.
Neatly signed with her pink gel pen, it was nothing more than a routine for me. I had been into detention since primary school a lot, but never for a reason like this. I had been numb all this while, just Eric's recent laughter ringing in my head. Why did he do that? Was I a laughing stock? I scrunched shut my eyes to block away any memory of him, whether sweet or bitter. Mrs. Harrowgate walked away, carrying her heavy self, to the podium and started ranting about the Gymnosperms.
"This term is made up of two Greek words: gymno meaning naked and sperma meaning seed," she explained with extensive use of her manicured fingers. Look, she got a manicure for the first time. I couldn't help but enjoy a bit of pleasure. "Any guesses what they are?" she asked, her eyes scanning for the best student, Jessica.
Jessica rose her hands proudly, fixing her glasses steadily on the bridge of her nose. "Yes?" Mrs. Harrowgate smiled sweetly, folding her hands in front of her almost flat chest.
"The plants of this group bear--" Blah! Blah! Blah!


Hey, Shubs! =)) I couldn't point out all of your nitpicks, I can see that the reviewers above me have pointed those out. Sorry if I was repeating something. Anyway...I'll read the next part later. So far, I kinda like it. =)) I feel like Eric was laughing at the mean woman?? =P I just feel he was. LOL

You know, when I read the prologue, I was like "Ahh--they seem old." But it was just a prom??? And their classmates. Which means they're in high school??? LOL I'll keep on reading later or tomorrow. =)) I'm so sorry for the poor review. I'm just too tired right now. =| Wasn't home all day....I might as well snooze. zzzz Sarreh
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:47 am
Jashael says...



Hey, Peepz! Here to do a review on the second part, and today, I'm hyper...sooooo...I think that's good? LOL Man! I am sorry for the previous review. I am never gonna review when I'm tired again--never! Unless a person bugs me to do it. LOL XD I owe Shubs a good review, so here it goes...

First, Shubs, your writings are fine, and I'm not tired of your mistakes. It's just happens that English isn't your mother tongue, but I must tell you: you're really, really good! =D/ I know that your spelling mistakes are caused by your Indian tongue, but that's fine. Of course, you also have a wee prob with punctuations; sometimes your placements are even a bit--irritating. But you'll improve as you write, just like all of us here at YWS. So keep writing... I love you! XD

Okay. Before I move on to my review, I'll have to tell you this. I think when you write "won", you mean "own". I don't know if they're just typos, but you've been consistent with it: "won writing" and "won imagination" (one of you messages to me includes the "won" problem, the other one was from a review you gave me). Are you having a hard time with English words? I suggest that when you hear a new English word, look for it in the dictionary ASAP! =)) That way, you can learn the spelling and practise the pronunciation.

I can see that the reviewers above me have probably covered the nitpicks, so I'm just going to tell you what I think of the story. Honestly, Shubs, this is pretty good! And I'll have to disagree with Tanya. I like the way you've shown us an ordinary day. Now we have an idea on what Eric's and Jake's characters are, and, of course, Amy's. I really, really like the twist. For once, I thought Eric's a "perfect" guy and Jake's an "alternative" kinda guy. LOL And after reading this, I am now confident to say that I loathe Eric. LOL He's a meanie...Oh, Amy, don't be stupid enough to fall for that--that--I'm not good in calling names. Boo me. XD Anyway, of course, we all still have to idea on what's going on. It's just chapter one! Can't wait to read Chapter two. =)) Blue, post it ASAP! XD


~~ Jash ♥
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not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


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Sat Oct 30, 2010 12:32 pm
Lava says...



Heya Shubhs.

Well, nitpicks are done and I shall give you guys a quick review.

So, I'm not against the idea of a normal day and what happens in school, the relationships but you need a more powerful chapter one. I liked the prologue because it was sweet, yet strong. Sadly, this chapter lacked. (I'm not being harsh, guys, just helping you out.) You need to show us something that may not be crucial to your plot but something which has strong desrciptions and maybe emotion sent across to the reader to hook the readers in.
And, I do agree that the evil teacher part is overplayed. I think it's something you'd see an awful lot in Indian classrooms but not there. So, maybe just make her yell or say something that would hurt Amy.

I agree with Yurii on this:
Spoiler! :
First of all, I agree to the guys before me, in some other ways. Yes, they said that how Amy narrates was a bit repetitive, and almost uninteresting to read, but hey, I think you have written this well. There are less awkward sentences to read, and your grammars and usage of punctuations are really improving. And to mention, how Amy depict things by showing.

You have grown lots. *huggles.*

Just one nitpicky thing:
Ah, what a bliss!
Well, this is an awkward sentence. Maybe it can go something like "Ah! Blissful!." But I don't think you should really use 'bliss' here. It doesn't really fit in. I think you could go for something along the lines of 'for now, I was content.'

So, I think you guys should edit this and make it more powerful. You should start with an incident or spruce up this day.
Good luck.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:30 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi Blue. Hi Shubz... I looooooooooooooooooooooveeeeeeee this!
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

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Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:45 pm
wonderland says...



And?
To be fully honest, this just seemed like one of those chapters you write when you have writers block-which is to say empty and pointless. It's one of those things that just has no action, and really no purpose. Think. What can you do to make this chapter interesting. The first paragraph of your prologue was actually quite good, but this whole thing jut lacked, and was devoid of really good description and emotion.
Maybe you guys should try to rewrite this.
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

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