Young Writers Society

I'm still working on this but I'm stuck... Tell me what you think of it so far...

My lips are chapped
red and swollen
but I don’t care
lets keep going

I don’t want to stop
enchanted by your kiss
I just want to stay here
in this moment of bliss

Pulled under by your touch
enlightened by your smile
I wish we could stay here
for just a little while

It's really hard to breath
drowning in your eyes
wrapped in strong arms
where I feel like I could fly

I shouldn't do this
I know it's unwise
but I can’t let go
so we’ll hide behind lies

I don’t want anyone else
I’m happy where I lie
safe in your embrace
close by your side

When I read this poem I thought of two passioned lovers caught in forbidden embraced. I'll admit in the beginning the whole picture wasn't clear but at the end I finally put it all together. And I wanted more! I feel that you the distance between the couple and their challenges then go to how they make one another feel. I hope I got it right.

Hello there, SilentRain!

Here to review. :3

Corrections in RED.

Pulled under by your touch

It's really hard to breathe

I know it's unwise

~

First and foremost, I would just like to say that this has potential though there are just some slight errors that you really need to reconsider for this to get better. Anyways, I couldn't see any punctuations appearing as I went down and read your piece. Punctuations are very important, so don't ever underestimate it. It's because I think they bring about the flow and everything. It tells the reader to pause if needed or something related to that. Also, I don't quite see some emotions here, I don't feel it. However, the physical contact you're saying to us is okay but still it would be really better if you have described the feelings of the narrator here. Also, there are some awkward sentences in which I still have to reread it twice but really don't get them still.

But don't worry though, there are some good things that we need to look up too. Yes, your rhyming has definitely impressed me and your verbs are all consistent. I kind of define this as sweet and a little bit cute too, but how you've written it sounds a bit cliche'. So, just let us feel the tone or the voice of the narrator here and to use more of good imageries and some literary devices. All in all, I thank you for the good read and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

SilentRain wrote:I'm still working on this but I'm stuck... Tell me what you think of it so far...

My lips are chapped
red and swallow huh?
but I don’t care
lets keep going

I don’t want to stop
enchanted by your kiss
I just want to stay here
in this moment of bliss

Pulled under by your touch
enlightened by your smile
I wish we could stay here
for justi think you should take that out a little while

It's really hard to breath
drowning in your eyes
wrapped in strong arms
where I feel like again, take this outI could fly

I shouldn't do this
I know its unwise
but I can’t let go
so we’ll hide behind lies

I don’t want anyone else
I’m happy where I lie
safe in your embrace
close by your side

Overall, the first impression of miine from the first stanza was that the person was complaining about something, but then it turns into a romantic peice... I'm not much of a poetic reviewer, but I fized the awkward sounding parts and grammar.

My advice to you: Read the poem out loud to yourslef several times and see if it flows.

Remember to post more stuff at my WRFF thread!!

This is really good! I think it could really go somewhere yet. Maybe add a few more verses that explain a bit more about the situation, like why she thinks she shouldn't do this etc.

It's really hard to breath
drowning in your eyes
wrapped in strong arms
where I feel like I could fly

I LOVE this verse. I love the metaphor of 'Drowning in your eyes' because it links into the 'really hard to breath' bit. I also really like the use of antithesis (is that the right word?) in 'Wrapped in strong arms, where I feel like I could fly' because it's like he's holding her tight but not holding her down and they are flying together. Please continue with this.

Heyaaa SilentRain

I'm here to review this as requested. I'm going to warn you in advance that I'm not the best poetry critique in the world by far, but I'll try my best to help you out a bit with this. You've also already got a fair amount of really nice reviews as well, so I'll try and avoid repeating what's already been said unless I think it's necessary.

My lips are chapped,
red and swollen,
but I don’t care;
lets keep going.

I don’t want to stop.
Enchanted by your kiss,
I just want to stay here
in this moment of bliss.

Pulled under by your touch,
enlightened by your smile.
I wish we could stay here
for just a little while.

It's really hard to breathe
drowning in your eyes,
wrapped in strong arms
where I feel like I could fly.

I shouldn't do this;
I know it's unwise,
but I can’t let go
so we’ll hide behind lies.

I don’t want anyone else,
I’m happy where I lie.
Safe in your embrace,
close by your side.

Overall

As a whole, this poem was pretty good. There were negatives, but also positives. One of the things that you did very well with this was the flow of the poem. The flow of a poem is very important, which a lot of people don't seem to realise. Without a nice, gentle flow in a poem, it can basically read awkwardly, easily putting readers off the poem. Thankfully, this isn't the case for you. The flow in your poem is lovely and certainly not awkward to read at all. Other reviewers seemed to have helped you well to do that! When it comes to the idea of the poem itself, admittedly, it is very cliché. Now, I don't really have a problem with clichéd things, but if something is cliché, it has to be extremely unique for me to really love it. As for the grammar in this poem, you didn't actually have any. Some people don't put grammar in their poems, simply because they prefer it that way. Personally, I think that a poem always looks and sounds better with grammar, not without. It makes the flow of a poem even stronger and it also basically makes it easier to read and understand.

My main critique for your poem is about the subject of it in a way. The poem, at the moment, is six or so stanzas long. Throughout those six stanzas, you're basically describing the same thing. That's where my main problem is. Instead of simply telling us that the voice of the poem loves the person its addressed to, tell us a bit of a story. How did they meet? What reminds her of him? What does he look like? I'm guessing that they're being spereated or something. Why are they being separated? That's the main question, to be honest? Like TheMadHatter said, explain the situation a bit more. Instead of telling us that she shouldn't do this , tell us why she shouldn't do this. Are you beginning to understand what I mean. Poems aren't all about feelings, many people don't realise that. Think of a poem like a unique, short way of telling a small story.

My other critique for you are the emotions in this poem. Right now, I'm not really feeling many emotions while reading this. I don't feel sorry for the woman in your poem and I don't feel sad about her situation either. The main reason for this, I think, is actually connected to my first critique. Because we really know nothing about the woman herself, we can't feel any emotions towards her. We don't know who she is, what she's been through, or why she's in the situation she is in. Think of it like a character in a story. If the reader doesn't know much about the character, they will find it extremely difficult to emphasize with them and feel what they're feeling. The same goes for the woman in your poem. We don't know anything about her background, therefore, we can't really feel her emotions or emphasize with her. I hope I'm making some sense here... Also, although you're using lots of descriptions, you're not creating extremely vivid ones, or ones that stand out. You should really try exaggerating on the woman's emotions and feelings. If you do these things, your poem could certainly turn into something really great.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I really like this poem! I love how the situation isnt perfect but the moment is! I really think it could be longer.. perhaps a different ending! good luck!

Okay, I'm not one to shred things apart, I just give my impression. My impression on this fabulous poem is simply that it was very well written and thought out. Quite brilliant in fact. One thing I did notice that kind of bugged me for whatever reason was these stanzas.

I don’t want to stop
enchanted by your kiss
I just want to stay here
in this moment of bliss

Pulled under by your touch
enlightened by your smile
I wish we could stay here
for just a little while

Particularly the

I just want to stay here

and

I wish we could stay here

They repeat the same idea and for some reason, that just always bugs me when people do that, even though I do it myself in a few of my own. Still, great job, I really liked it, my favorite line,

drowning in your eyes

. Good job! Keep writing!

This was an extremely well written piece! I loved the rhythm and the idea of the bit. The imagery was strong and complete.
Although I have a question:
At the top you said this is incomplete, but the ending stanza here is a very very good closing stanza. It brings the idea of the poem down into one simple conclusion, "I don't want anyone else" and it winds down the energy slowly, but gracefully.

If you were to leave this where it is, it would be an excellent piece. Always remember, long poems can be fun, but if they get too long, the idea gets old and you lose your readers! The length is at a good spot right now. You draw in the readers, give them the situation, sensation, and understanding you want them to have, then you bring it to a gently close.

This is brilliant!
You have talent!
Keep Writing!

~Lukan