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Shipwreck Isle ch. 1



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Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:13 pm
Hecate says...



I decided that Shipwreck Isle will be my working title. Thanks tam_ara ;)
This is another edit of the original, so some reviews may look confusing to people that are editing it now.
Shipwreck Isle


I finally came home to Shipwreck Isle the summer of my 15th birthday. I knew that it wasn't just a coincidence that my father received a job as a hotel manager on this island. He lived his whole life here that is, before he married my mother who was also a citizen of this island when they decided to be nomads . It seemed a bit queer to me that Shipwreck Isle was known for ship wrecks, countless ship wrecks and what seemed even weirder was that most bodies were not found. I thought that was really creepy. Also, there was the fact that Shipwreck Isle was supposed to be a haven for mythical creatures, not just any but vampires and thousands of people were burned at stake for witchcraft, too. A lot of the older people seemed to still believe in the tales. I didn't really believe the part about vampires. Shipwreck Isle was sunny throughout most of the year, you see.
Anyway, the village my parents moved us to was called "Fate”. I thought that was a really crappy and cheesy name for a village, but whatever.
Not only did Fate sound crappy. As we passed by with our rented car, as we still didn’t have our own, my heart swelled with the agony of it all. Okay, maybe I’m being a little over dramatic. But you should’ve been there . Little houses were neatly placed on either side of the road. They were all so similar, with their white trimmed fences and grass that was so green it hurt to look at. What was this, Pleasentview? Please. I felt like puking. We passed by the high school that I would attend in September. It looked like crap as well. Too neat, too perfect to be real. Soon, we stopped in front of one the houses and my mother smiled proudly and said:
‘What do you think, Liz?’
‘ I think it looks like every other house here.’ I answered truthfully. My mother sighed.
As I walked towards our house, I glared at my parents the whole time ,I glared at the friendly looking neighbors who had come out on the lawn, and I was trying to show everyone who cared how angry I was. Our neighbors were a man and a woman, both grey haired and pleasant looking. But I didn't care. I already hated everyone who lived here. They were so happy and care free, it was irritating. They didn't know what it's like to have to move every two years, because of a father who just couldn't seem to settle down and a mother who loved change. I hated change. It bothered me, it really did.
"Welcome to Fate, welcome, my name is George.” The guy spoke in an old, tired voice that attempted to sound cheerful.
"Thank you, we hope we’ll be able to call it a home, soon” My mum returned the warm smile in the direction of the woman. I almost snorted. Home. Like they knew what that was. They promised though, that we will settle down at Shipwreck Isle. My mum got a steady job at the arts museum close by too. Usually, all she did was paint pictures and sell them .Normally, she didn't get paid much. I thought over that stuff while the adults chatted away.
"And who might this lovely young lady be?" The woman asked as she turned her baby blue eyes towards me .I could tell that a long time ago she was really beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair.
“My name is Lizzie ." I said, almost smiling for the first time ,there was something that made you feel comfortable to be around this old woman for some reason.
"Elizabeth, she means, Elizabeth." My mum hurried to correct me. Elizabeth IS a pretty name, I admit. But somehow I always preferred Lizzie, so much simpler, you know?
The woman seemed to understand that I'd rather be called Lizzie and she gave me an encouraging look.
"Well that's simply great, isn’t it, Liz." The old man looked at his wife"You two share a name." I didn't understand what was so great about it but everyone looked like they agreed with him.
"Oh and you simply must meet out grandson.” Elizabeth said, excitedly. Then she lowered her voice "He used to live on the other side of the island but-” She seemed to change her mind about what she was going to say and she said "Well, anyway he's a newcomer, too. His name is Jake. He's 16 ."
"Oh that would be lovely."My mother answered before I could. "She needs a bit of company, now that she's new here and he probably does, too.
"Well, he's not in at the moment." Elizabeth told my mum. "But, I’ll have him drop by as soon as he gets here.”
"That would be great."-My mum flashed a wide grin. I was angry at her. I didn't need her to take care of my social life for me.
They chatted for a little longer and then we finally walked into our new home. Thankfully, it was already furnished to perfection and it had all the needed appliances that a household required. My mom blindfolded me and led me to my room. I hoped I'd like it .I knew I'd like it, actually. My mother had a great style, as an artist and she had helped design my room.
It took a bit longer than I thought but soon she removed the blindfold. That's when I saw my room for the first time. Larger than I expected, very sunny, colored in soft lavender paint it really did look inviting. In the middle of it there was a bed with a lavender duvet cover and a bookshelf next to it large enough for all my books, which really was an accomplishment, as I loved to read. My room faced southward and there was a large window. In front of the window stood my brand new desk, my new lap top on it. The floor was covered with a soft carpet, but below that, it was just parquet. Next to the window there was a door and I was lead to my own balcony. It was very inviting, too. Not really big, but big enough for a small garden chair and a tiny coffee table. I fell in love with it, especially as my mum led me out of my room to my own private bathroom and a tiny room that used to be a storage room, for my own built in wardrobe along with a make up table and a large mirror. It really was tiny in here, hardly enough for two people to be in it at the same time, yet one person was quiet comfortable and that didn't bother me as only one person would be using it right?
"I love it mum, thanks!"
My mum chuckled joyfully and kissed me lightly on the cheek. All the bad mood I had vanished, suddenly and I forgot to be sulky about the whole moving in thing. Maybe that Jake guy would be all right, maybe we'd be friends and hang out.
After we had a good look at the house, which was larger than it seemed on the outside, I finally went to take a shower. Good thing I had packed THOSE essentials in a separate bag! The hot water fell on my back hard but it felt so good and relaxing, I didn't want to get out. I thought about all the places I'd lived in England, New Zealand ,Australia ,America ,and now Shipwreck Isle .The home of my parents and their parents ,who died before I had a chance to meet them, and since they didn't have any brothers or sisters I didn't have any close relatives. Or any relatives that I knew of for that matter.
As soon as I was finished I did what I hadn't done properly for the past two days, I went to bed and slept soundly until noon the next day. I hadn't been getting much sleep because, mainly I didn't have much time with all the packing and last minute worries and good byes to the few people we had befriended . When I woke up I wasn't sure what day it is, but as I looked at my phone, all groggy eyed, I realized it was the next day.
I brushed my teeth and dragged myself down stairs, my hair still messy. I had on an oversized grey shirt and large blue boxers, my favorite pajamas. My eyes were still barely opened as I mumbled “Mom, what’s for breakfast?"
I opened my eyes and saw my mother looking at me astonished ,my dad eyeing me confused,and a boy ,a really cute boy in my kitchen ,who was eyeing me suddenly alerted , and I suddenly realized I looked like something out of a horror movie.
That woke me up quick enough.
"I'll be right back." - I said as I raced up the stairs.
When I was finally in my room, I took out an old, battered suitcase and opened it. I got out my favorite baggy jeans that were a little faded and my navy skin tight shirt. I went to my wardrobe room and I brushed my long, brown hair down. I looked in the mirror. I wasn't really tall and I had a little bit of tummy fat I wanted to get rid of .My face was pretty clear thanks to all the scrubs I had used and really I did not look bad. The guy, who was probably Jake, looked way out of my league though. He had messy ,brown hair and piercing blue eyes, his face had lost all the puppy fat and roundness and he looked taller than most sixteen year olds I knew, and somehow more muscular ,but not like those guys that lift weights or anything ,just stronger ,nicely shaped.
I walked down the stairs again, after I had fished out my make up bag and applied a little bit of lip gloss and said in my most joyful morning voice: "Sorry, 'bout that, didn’t know we had visitors.” I glanced at the guy who was supposedly Jake and flashed him my most charming Marilyn Monroe type of smile.
He looked startled, and immediately lowered his gaze. Well, he’s friendly, I thought as I sat down, suddenly quiet.
‘Hi Lizzie’ He said suddenly, ‘ Sorry to barge in on you like that’
I was pretty startled, as I heard his deep voice. ‘Um, no problem’ I said.
‘So how do you like it here so far?’ He asked, kind of forced, like he was making an effort to speak. That irritated me.
‘I don’t know’ I said, ‘I haven’t been around much. I only got here last night.”
He looked troubled, but he finally managed to mumble something under his breath.
‘I’m sorry, what? ’ I said, genuinely confused.
‘Do you want a tour? ’ He said, on a barely audible tone.
A tour by the world’s most awkward person? No way. ‘ Actually, I think my mom needs help, to unpack, you know.’
‘Nonsense, darling, go!’ She said in a sweet tone. Great, she wanted me to find friends so she was making me hang out with Awkward boy against my will.
‘Fine, mommy’ I said in my sweetest voice.
Jake looked troubled. I could tell he didn’t want to give me a tour. Was I that annoying, hidious, or I don’t know? Jeez.
‘Here honey, get a doghnut and go right ahead. Don‘t waste anytime.’ My mother was positively the most annoying creature to walk the planet.
I took the doghnut and walked out. Jake followed. His head was down and he looked kind of depressed. I wondered if he was suicidal and that’s why he had to move over here.
‘So, Jake, what‘s on the agenda? ’ I asked, trying to keep my spirits high.
‘I don‘t know. What do you feel like doing?’ He replied.
I could strangle him for being so annoyingly awkward and shy and depressed. I said, through gritted teeth, though trying to sound cheerful:
‘Well, what is there to do in your lovely little town? ’
‘Not much. ’ He said shortly.
‘Okay, that‘s it. You don‘t want to spend your afternoon showing the newcomer around, that‘s fine. But you could at least have the courtsey of saying so.’ I exploded suddenly. I was known for my short temper, and mood swings.
He looked up suddenly startled, and had a look of determination in his eyes.
‘No, I can‘t just say so. I‘m new here, too. My grandparents expect me to make friends here, they don‘t like the people that I already know here, and they‘re convinced you are such a nice girl ’ The last part was a poor imitation of his grand parent’s voices.
‘You‘re a jerk. ’ I said, as I stomped off.
’‘Oh right,’ He yelled after me, ‘ I‘m a jerk, you have no idea what I‘ve been through.’
‘I don‘t care about what you‘ve been to, I don‘t even know you.’ I said, anger boiling in me.
‘That‘s right, Liz, be like that, you‘ve always ever cared only about yourself, you haven‘t changed a bit’ He spat out. Then he looked absolutely terrified at what he just said. I looked at him, not comprehending. Finally, I turned around not looking back. I said nothing. He was insane. We had never met before that day. I had never been to Shipwreck Isle before. Ever.
Last edited by Hecate on Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:45 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



Hey there again!

I thought that this was much better than last time, although you didn't rally sort out that comma thing. It's ok for now :wink:
This new side of Liz is quite surprising, I really like it as you've now made a really original character. I like the dialogue between Liz and Jake at the end, very realistic. I really want to know what happens next, so PLEASE PM me!

~Tamara
:) xo
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.
  





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Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:02 pm
aspiringauthor17 says...



In the second paragraph after "lawn", I think you should put a hyphen instead of a comma.

When you say, "There was a man and a woman, both grey headed," I think you should change "grey headed" into grey haired. The former could be misinterpreted into the elderly couple actually having grey heads.

Carefree is one word.

When you say, "They were so happy and care free and it was irritating," you might want to change it to, "They were so happy and carefree, it was irritating."

When George speaks, he shouldn't say welcome twice. Try, "Welcome to Fate. My name is George."

When you say, "The guy spoke in an old, tired voice that attempted, and failed to sound cheerful," it's kind of obvious that he failed, so you can take that part out.

When you said, "Oh, and you simply must meet out grandson," I think you meant, "Oh, and you simply must meet our grandson."

When you use commas, the commas come directly after the word, and after the comma there is a space.

Don't be afraid to use hypens- sometimes their use is better than commas.

When a person speaks, they use quotation marks at the beginning of a sentence.

You spelled doughnut wrong.

I absolutely love your ending!!! :)

You have a really great story, I was completely drawn in, but on the other hand- you had a few grammar errors and spelling mistakes. PM me when the next chapter comes out! :)

~Lindsay
"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders." ~Jewish Proverb
  





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Mon Aug 09, 2010 4:03 pm
Baywolf says...



Hmmm. I like the new ending. :) Very compelling. He hinted at having known her--always a good indicator of something magical--and I anticipate some other new developments in the story. Great job. The other reviewers did a thorough work of outlining the grammar issues, so I won't even touch on that. I just wanted to say that at times it felt a little awkward flow-wise. That's all. I really enjoy the story, and hope to see more about Lizzie soon. :)

--baywolf
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:46 pm
ShayM says...



You may not agree with what i thought needed revising, but that all it is a thought. Hope i was able to help you in some way!

stelagineva wrote:I finally came home to Shipwreck Isle the summer of my 15th birthday. I knew that it wasn't just a coincidence that my father received a job as a hotel manager on this island. He lived his whole life here, before he married my mum, who also lived here but then they decided they wanted to be nomads. It seemed a bit queer to me that Shipwreck Isle was known for Ship wrecks, countless ship wrecks(I think you used Ship wreck too much in this sentence and what's even weirder is that most bodies were not found. No one ever seemed to survive .The thought really crept me out .That and the fact that Shipwreck Isle was supposed to be a haven for mythical creatures, not just any, but vampires and thousands of people were burned at stake for witchcraft, too(I felt like this was a run on sentence). A lot of the older people seemed to still believe in the tales. I didn't really believe the part about vampires. Shipwreck Isle was sunny throughout most of the year, you see.
Anyway, the village my parents moved us to was called "Fate”. I thought that was a really crappy and cheesy name, but whatever. When I got out of the car I almost wanted to run back in.
Not only did Fate sound crappy, it also looked crappy with all the little neat houses(maybe a little more description,i couldnt[color=#FF0000]couldn't really picture it that well)[/color] and friendly looking people that all looked about 60. I mean there is nothing wrong with little neat houses and friendly looking 60 year olds(you repeated what you just said, maybe instead you can say "I mean there is nothing wrong with that...), but that just wasn’t my thing.
So as I walked to our little house showing as little remorse as I could ...Oh who am I kidding I glared at my parents the whole time ,I glared at the friendly(maybe anotherword...) looking neighbors ,who had come out on the lawn, these ones were about seventy and probably with horrible eyesight as they didn't notice me glaring. There was a man and a woman, both grey headed(haired...? and pleasant looking. But I didn't care. I already hated everyone who lived here. They were so happy and care freemaybe replace 'and' with a comma and it was irritating. They didn't know what it's like to have to move every two years, because of a father who just couldn't seem to settle down and a mother who loved change. I hated change. It bothered me, it really did.
"Welcome to Fate, welcome, my name is George.” The guy spoke in an old, tired voice that attempted, and failed, to sound cheerful.
"Thank you, we hope we’ll be able to call it a home, soon” My mum returned the warm smile in the direction of the woman. I almost snorted. Home. Like they knew what that was. They promised though, that we will settle down at Shipwreck Isle, my mum got a steady job at the arts museum close by too. Usually, all she did was paint pictures and sell them .Normally, she didn't get paid muchdoes that mean she is being paid well now?. I thought over that stuff while the adults chatted away.
"And who might this lovely young lady be?" The woman asked as she turned her baby blue eyes towards me .I could tell that a long time ago she was really beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair.
“My name is Lizzie ." I said, almost smiling for the first time ,there was something that made you feel comfortable to be around this old woman for some reason.
"Elizabeth, she means, Elizabeth." My mum hurried to correct me. Elizabeth IS a pretty name, I admit. But somehow I always preferred Lizzie, so much simpler, you know?
The woman seemed to understand that I'd rather be called Lizzie and she gave me an encouraging look.
"Well that's simply great, isn’t it, Liz." The old man looked at his wife"You two share a name." I didn't understand what was so great about it but everyone looked like they agreed with him.
"Oh and you simply must meet out(our) grandson.” Elizabeth said, excitedly. Then she lowered her voice "He used to live on the other side of the island but-” She seemed to change her mind about what she was going to say and sheinstead? said "Well, anyway he's a newcomer, too. His name is Jake. He's 16 ."
"Oh that would be lovely."My mother answered before I could. "She needs a bit of company, now that she's new here and he probably does, too.
"Well, he's not in at the moment."in? maybe here instead? Elizabeth told my mum. "But, I’ll have him drop by as soon as he gets here.”
"That would be great."-My mum flashed a wide grin. I was angry at her. I didn't need her to take care of my social life for me.
They chatted for a little longer and then we finally walked into themight want to make it clearer that its their house house. Thankfully, it was already furnished to perfection and it had all the needed appliances any household required. My mum blindfolded me and led me to my room. I hoped I'd like it .I knew I'd like it, actually. My mum had a great style, as an artist and she had helped design my room.
It took a bit longer than I thought but soon she removed the blindfold. That's when I saw my room for the first time. Larger than I expected, very sunny, colored in soft lavender paint it really did look inviting. In the middle of it there was a bed with a lavender duvet cover and a bookshelf next to it large enough for all my books. which really was an accomplishment, as I loved to read.you seem to repeat really a lot... My room faced southward and there was a large window. In front of it stood my brand new desk, my new lap top on it. The floor was covered by a soft parquet, but below that, it was just parquet?. Next to the window there was a door and I was lead to my own balcony. It was very inviting, too. Not really big, but big enough for a small garden chair and a tiny coffee table. I fell in love with it, especially as my mum led me out of my room to my own private bathroom and a tiny room that used to be a storage room, for my own built in wardrobe along with a make up table and a large mirror. It really was tiny in here, hardly enough for two people to be in it at the same time, yet one person was quiet comfortable and that didn't bother me as only one person would be using it right?
"I love it mum, thanks!"
My mum chuckled joyfully and kissed me lightly on the cheek. All the bad mood I had vanished, suddenly and I forgot to be sulky about the whole moving in thing. Maybe that Jake guy would be all right, maybe we'd be friends and hang out.
After we had a good look at the house, which was larger than it seemed on the outside, I finally went to take a shower. i don't think finally is necessary Good thing I had packed THOSE essentials in a separate bag! The hot water fell on my back, and it felt so good and relaxing I didn't want to get out. I thought about all the places I'd lived in, England, New Zealand ,Australia ,America ,and now Shipwreck Isle .The home of my parents and their parents ,who died before I had a chance to meet them, and since they didn't have any brothers or sisters I didn't have any close relatives. Or any relatives that I knew of for that matter.
As soon as I was finished I did what I hadn't done properly for the past two days, I went to bed and slept soundly until noon the next day. I hadn't been getting much sleep because, mainly I didn't have much time with all the packing and last minute worries and good byes to theseems like a run on sentence


But this story sounds interesting, and i cant wait to hear the rest!
-ShayM
  





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Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:10 am
BreenaJames says...



I really liked your story but I have a few(or a lot) nitpicks.

I finally came home to Shipwreck Isle the summer of my 15th birthday. I knew that it wasn't just a coincidence that my father received a job as a hotel manager on this island. He lived his whole life here, before he married my mum, who also lived here before she and my father decided they wanted to be nomads. It seemed a bit queer to me that Shipwreck Isle was known for Ship wrecks, (countless ship wrecks) take this out and what was-past or present tense? pick one! even weirder wasthat most bodies were never-makes more sense found. No one ever seemed to survive.The thought of thatreally creeped me out.That and the fact that Shipwreck Isle was supposed to be a haven for mythical creatures. Oh and not just any creaturesbut vampires, and thousands of people were burned at stake for witchcrafttook out comma too. A lot of the older residents-sounds more interesting seemed to still believe in these tales. I didn't really believe the part about thevampires, Shipwreck Isle was sunny throughout most of the year, you see.

Anyway, the village my parents moved us to was called "Fate”. I thought that was a really crappy and cheesy name, but whatever. When I got out of the car I almost wanted to turn around andrun back in. Not only did Fate sound crappy, it also looked crappy with all the little neat houses and friendly looking people that all looked about 60. I mean there is nothing wrong with little neat houses and friendly looking 60 year olds, but that just isn’t- past or present tense again my thing.

So as I walked to our little house showing as little remorse as I could... who am I kidding I glared at my parents, I glared at the friendly looking neighbors, who had come out on the lawn. These ones were about seventy and probably had horrible eyesight since they didn't notice me glaring. There was a man and a woman, both grey headed and pleasant looking. But I didn't care, I already hated everyone who lived here. They were so happy and care free and it was irritating. They didn't know what it was- past/presnt tense like to have to move every two years, because of a father who just couldn't seem to settle down and a mother who loved change. I hated change, it bothered me it really did.

"Welcome to Fate, welcome, remove my name is George.” The guy spoke in an old, tired voice that attempted, and failed, to sound cheerful.

"Thank you, we hope we’ll be able to call it a home soon” My mum returned the warm smile in the direction of the woman. I almost snorted. Home, like they knew what that was. They promised though, that we will settle down at Shipwreck Isle. My mum got a steady job at the arts museum close by too. Usually, all she did was paint pictures and sell them. Normally, she didn't get paid muchfor that. I thought over all this-sounds betterwhile the adults chatted away.

"And who might this lovely young lady be?" The woman asked as she turned her baby blue eyes towards me .I could tell that a long time ago she was really beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair.

“My name is Lizzie ." I said, almost smiling for the first time. There was something that made you feel comfortable to be-remove around this old woman for some reason-remove.

"Elizabeth, she means, Elizabeth." My mum hurried to correct me. Elizabeth IS a pretty name, I admit. But somehow I always prefer Lizzie. So much simpler, you know? The woman seemed to understand that I'd rather be called Lizzie and she gave me an encouraging look.

"Well that's simply great, isn’t it, Liz," The old man looked at his wife, "You two share a name." I didn't understand what was so great about it but everyone looked like they agreed with him.

"Oh and you simply must meet out grandson.” Elizabeth said, excitedly. Then she lowered her voice "He used to live on the other side of the island but-” She seemed to change her mind about what she was going to say and instead said "Well, anyway he's a newcomer too. His name is Jake, he's 16 ."

"Oh that would be lovely."My mother answered before I could. "She needs a bit of company, now that she's new here and he probably does, too.

"Well, he's not in at the moment." Elizabeth told my mum. "But, I’ll have him drop by as soon as he gets here.”

"That would be great."-My mum flashed a wide grin. I was angry at her, I didn't need her to take care of my social life for me.

They chatted for a little longer and then we finally walked into the house. Thankfully, it was already furnished to perfection and it had all the needed appliances any household required. My mum blindfolded me and led me to my room. I hoped I'd like it. I knew I'd like it, actually. My mum had a great style as an artist and she had helped design my room.
It took a bit longer than I thought but soon she removed the blindfold. That's when I saw my room for the first time. It waslarger than I expected, very sunny, and colored in asoft lavender paint, it really did look inviting. In the middle of it there was a bed with a lavender duvet cover and a bookshelf next to it large enough for all my books. Which really was an accomplishment, as I loved to read. My room faced southward and there was a large window. In front of it stood my brand new desk with my new lap top on it. The floor was covered by a soft parquet, but below that, it was just parquet.this sentence doesn't quite make sense Next to the window there was a door and I was lead to my own balcony. It was very inviting, too. Not really big, but big enough for a small garden chair and a tiny coffee table. I fell in love with it, especially as my mum led me out of my room to my own private bathroom and a tiny room that used to be a storage room, for my own built in wardrobe along with a make up table and a large mirror. It really was tiny in here, hardly enough for two people to be in it at the same time, yet one person was quiet comfortable and that didn't bother me as only one person would be using it right?

"I love it mum, thanks!"

My mum chuckled joyfully and kissed me lightly on the cheek. All the bad mood I had vanished, suddenly and I forgot to be sulky about the whole moving in thing. Maybe that Jake guy would be all right, maybe we'd be friends and hang out.
After we had a good look at the house, which was larger than it seemed on the outside, I finally went to take a shower. Good thing I had packed THOSE essentials in a separate bag! The hot water fell on my back, and it felt so good and relaxing I didn't want to get out. I thought about all the places I'd lived in, England, New Zealand ,Australia ,America ,and now Shipwreck Isle .The home of my parents and their parents, who died before I had a chance to meet them, and since they didn't have any brothers or sisters I didn't have any close relatives. Or any relatives that I knew of for that matter.
As soon as I was finished I did what I hadn't done properly for the past two days, I went to bed and slept soundly until noon the next day. I hadn't been getting much sleep because, mainly I didn't have much time with all the packing and last minute worries and good byes to the few people we had befriended. When I woke up I wasn't sure what day it is, but as I looked at my phone, all groggy eyed, I realized it was the next day.

I brushed my teeth and dragged my feetdown the stairs, my hair, still messy. I had on an oversized grey shirt and large blue boxers, my favorite pajamas.

My eyes were still barely opened as I mumbled “Mum, what’s for breakfast?"

I opened my eyes and saw my mum looking at me astonished, my dad eyeing me confused...and a boy, a really cute boy, in my kitchen who was eyeing me suddenly alerted. suddenly I realized I looked like something out of a horror movie.
That woke me up quick enough.

"I'll be right back." I said as I raced up the stairs.

When I was finally in my room, I took out an old, battered suitcase and opened it. I got out my ripped jeans and a red Nike shirt and put them on. Good enough. I went to my wardrobe room and I brushed my long, brown hair down. I looked in the mirror. I wasn't really tall and I had a little bit of tummy fat I wanted to get rid of. My face was pretty clear thanks to all the scrubs I had used and really I did not look bad. The guy, who was probably Jake, looked way out of my league ,though. He had messy brown hair and piercing blue eyes, his face had lost all the puppy fat and roundness, and he looked taller than most sixteen year olds I knew, and somehow more muscular, but not like those guys that lift weights or anything, just stronger, nicely shaped.

I walked down the stairs again, after I had fished out my make up bag and applied a little bit of lip gloss and said in my most joyful morning voice: "Sorry, 'bout that, didn’t know we had visitors.” I glanced at the guy who was supposedly Jake and flashed him my most charming Marilyn Monroe type of smile. He looked startled, and immediately lowered his gaze. Well, he’s friendly, I thought as I sat down, suddenly quiet.

‘Hi Lizzie’ He said suddenly, ‘ Sorry to barge in on you like that’

I was pretty startled, as I heard his deep voice. ‘Um, no problem’ I said.

‘So how do you like it here so far?’ He asked, kind of forced, like he was making an effort to speak. That irritated me.

‘I don’t know’ I said, ‘I haven’t been around much. I only got here last night.” He looked troubled, but he finally managed to mumble something under his breath.

‘I’m sorry, what? ’ I said, genuinely confused.

‘Do you want a tour? ’ He said, on a barely audible tone. A tour by the world’s most awkward person? No way.

‘Actually, I think my mom needs help, to unpack, you know.’

‘Nonsense, darling, go!’ She said in a sweet tone. Great, she wanted me to find friends so she was making me hang out with Awkward boy against my will.

‘Fine, mommy’ I said in my sweetest voice. Jake looked troubled. I could tell he didn’t want to give me a tour. Was I that annoying, hidious, or I don’t know? Jeez.

‘Here honey, get a doghnut and go right ahead. Don‘t waste anytime.’ My mother was positively the most annoying creature to walk the planet. I took the doghnut and walked out. Jake followed. His head was down and he looked kind of depressed. I wondered if he was suicidal and that’s why he had to move over here.

‘So, Jake, what‘s on the agenda? ’ I asked, trying to keep my spirits high.

‘I don‘t know. What do you feel like doing?’ He replied. I could strangle him for being so annoying awkward and shy and depressed.

I said, through gritted teeth, though trying to sound cheerful: ‘Well, what is there to do in your lovely little town? ’

‘Not much. ’ He said shortly.

‘Okay, that‘s it. You don‘t want to spend your afternoon showing the newcomer around, that‘s fine. But you could at least have the courtsey of saying so.’ I exploded suddenly. I was known for my short temper, and mood swings. He looked up suddenly startled, and had a look of determination in his eyes.

‘No, I can‘t just say so. I‘m new here, too. My grandparents expect me to make friends here, they don‘t like the people that I already know here, and they‘re convinced you are such a nice girl.’ The last part was a poor imitation of his grand parent’s voices.

‘You‘re a jerk. ’ I said, as I stomped off.

‘Oh right,’ He yelled after me, ‘ I‘m a jerk, you have no idea what I‘ve been through.’

‘I don‘t care about what you‘ve been to, I don‘t even know you.’ I said, anger boiling in me.

‘That‘s right, Liz, be like that, you‘ve always ever cared only about yourself, you haven‘t changed a bit’ He looked terrified at what he just said. I looked at him, not comprehending. Finally, I turned around not looking back, I said nothing. He was insane. We had never met before that day, I had never been to Shipwreck Isle before. He thought he knew me.


There I think that's everything, sorry that I didn't highlight all of the changes. I figured that you know what I changed.
--Being happy all the time may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth while.

--It's OK to act stupid, but you are abusing the privilege
  





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Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:15 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Stels. Sorry it took me soooooo long, but as I told you, I had a test to study for. Anyways, congratulations this is featured. I hope that I prove to be of some real help.

Not only did Fate sound crappy.
This sentence seems like you are going to add on something to it, but then forget it. It seems incomplete.

I could tell that a long time ago she was really beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair.
It should be : I could tell that a long time ago she had been beautiful, before the wrinkles and the silver hair had possessed her.

Next to the window there was a door and I was lead to my own balcony.
lead should be 'led' as it goes back in past.


I thought about all the places I'd lived in; England, New Zealand ,Australia ,America ,and now Shipwreck Isle .


When I woke up I wasn't sure what day it was, but as I looked at my phone, all groggy eyed, I realized it was the next day.


He looked troubled, but he finally managed to mumble something under his breath.
Why does he seem troubled by this? Is it connected to the mystery?

Honestly saying, Stels, this wasn't that great whatsoever. At first I thought that I would give you a detailed review, and ignore the grammatical errors, but then I couldn't stop and had to give in some correction everytime, and at last stopped doing so.

First of all, just post your story in the Story Format, as otherwise it gets too compact to read and looks confusing. It's how you do it:
1. Click on the 'Edit' option, and then when the screen comes, scroll it down.
2. You would notice a Special Formatting thing in the Options tab. Click on the Story format, and you would eb there. Just check this story to see how this format looks, and doesn't make the story look like a clump. Chilly Farm

Next of all, have you heard of the Telling vs Showing thing? When you just simply give away the information to your readers without having any real action in it, then it's called Telling.
For example:
Telling:
She slammed the door shut.She was tired.
Showing:
The door slammed with a thud as she entered the room. She headed straight for the recliner, stretching her legs and relaxing.

All this while, especially in the start you were just telling us the whole history, and it really took away te fun. as time progresses, you should have let the story flow in. The legends and the myths could have been elaborated or told later in this story. This piece was good as an Author's Draft, but as a chapter, it really does need a lot of work, and you can expand on it or make this more better.

Emotions? In the whole of the chapter, you had this one emotion only-irritated. Isn't there more to Lizzie or is she always irritated? Even if she is a short tempered girl, then you can use multiple synonyms and various kinds of adjectives to show her emotions. Like besides irritated, you could have also used 'angry' and played on with it by creating various kinds of phrases with it. If you ask me, this was a very weak point and your story does need a lot of emotions here. Isn't she so weird to get annoyed at every single thing? I know how teenagers are but you can smooth down this a bit, to show that she is a human being and not an anger producing doll. :lol:

Descriptions? Sometimes I felt that your descriptions were very vague, and you really did not tell much. Like:
Our neighbors were a man and a woman, both grey haired and pleasant looking.
There was so much that you could have added on here. Like how white their hair was, which kind of hairstyle they had, and how she could com to the conclusion that they were pleasant? Yeah, I know the looks, but what aspects of their looks? Just stop for a while, Stels and think and picture such a couple in your mind. Then you would understand what to say.

Secondly I noticed a problem with your punctuations. You type a fullstop at many times after giving space. It has to be immediately after a word ends, and also you put in commas whenever and wherever you feel like.

Sorry, I didn't like this story wise at all, and it really seemed like rushed. Don't be in a hurry to get on with this, and take your time. After all, no one's chasing you to complete it.

One good thing. I did like the twist and suspense you had here, which is the only reason I would read this story. The beginning was rough and it could have been a hell lot better. As it went on, though, it became a bit smooth.

Good Luck with your writing, and post in my WRFF column when you want more reviews.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:39 pm
Hecate says...



Thanks for the reviews.

To Shubhi: I don't like my beginning either, I know what you mean. I'm working on it ;)
  





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Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:54 pm
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DrowningInDarkness says...



Hi! This is my first review ever so I hope it's okay :)
I really like your story so far, but there were some things that bothered me...

stelagineva wrote:It seemed a bit queer to me that Shipwreck Isle was known for ship wrecks, countless ship wrecks and what seemed even weirder was that most bodies were not found.


I thought this sentence might sound better as two sentences, for example, "It seemed a bit queer to me that Shipwreck Isle was known for ship wrecks, countless ship wrecks. What seemed even weirder was that most bodies weren't found."

stelagineva wrote:They promised though, that we will settle down at Shipwreck Isle.


I thought this sentence was kind of awkward. It would sound better if you said something like, "They promised that we'd settle down at Shipwreck Isle though."

stelagineva wrote:"Elizabeth, she means, Elizabeth." My mum hurried to correct me.

Maybe I missed something, but what's wrong with introducing yourself with your nickname? Why does her mother care that she told the lady her name was Elizabeth? I'm kind of confused here...

Anyway, besides that, I totally liked the chapter :)
  





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Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:11 pm
ToritheMonster says...



Hi, Stela! Okay, I'm not going to nitpick this, both because other people have, and because there are really too many mistakes to fix.

When you write, be sure to read over your work. Your sentences need to flow together. They need to make sense. You need to utilize the 'enter' key. Make sure everything is spelled correctly. My general rule is, don't post something until it's gone through Microsoft Word without any red, green, or blue underlines.

Your story seems like it will be interesting. You have a good plot starting. Just be careful you don't fall into the 'cheesy rip-off vampire story' trap. The second you mentioned vamps, I got worried. You're allowed to have them, don't get me wrong. But please, please don't make yet another Twilight spin off.

I think your story shapes up as it goes along. The beginning, I'll be honest, is terrible. It makes me want to not read any more. It gets a little better as it goes along, until it's nearly interesting at the end. make the interesting-ness consistent. Make us want to read past the first sentence.

Keep working on this, and please, go back and edit. This will be quite good with work.

Keep writing!

-Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.
  





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Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:25 am
Hecate says...



Thanks Dreamy,

Unfortunately I don't have Microsoft Word right now (long story -.-), so I'm using some sorry excuse of a word processor that's supposed to be a substitute, but it doesn't even have spell check. As for the rest of the stuff, I agree with you. I just haven't figured out how to fix it flow wise. Thanks a lot though!
  





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Sat Aug 14, 2010 2:59 am
Lava says...



Hey!

Sorry it took me some time. I'm loaded with work.

Okay, so my thoughts, No nitpicks. ( :) )

The first para needs a complete revising. As a first para, you need to hook us in, make us want to read more. Sadly, this doesn't do that. It's a boring info dump, without descriptions and had no real connection to the reader.
Go over it, revise it some more. Or you can have a different starting point. Don't 'tell' us thing in the first chapter. 'Show' us the MC, the place, etc.
With that start, I didn't expect a good piece, however, you managed to make a good story out of it so far.

And, I agree with Shubhi on editing the format. It will loook so much better, ja?

It looked like crap as well.
You seem to use 'crap' an awful lot. It gives off a bad feel about your MC and that you are trying to create this personality for her. It's good you're trying to develop her character, but that could be done in a lot more ways. Like show us her little nuances, maybe squinting, folding arms. Experiment!

Now, I would like some more different emotions thrown into the story. And work on your descriptions, hun. Sometimes, they tend to be boring. You can spruce it by 'Showing,' and not 'telling.' Just go around, revising this and you'll have a very good piece.

The last para interested me the most. Very very good. :)

Keep writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery