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Chilly Farm~A Short Story



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Fri Jul 02, 2010 12:29 pm
MiaParamore says...



Welcome all to my first Science-Fiction experiments. Do read the spoiler, it's important. :D If you like it, then press 'LIKE' at the left side. :)

Spoiler! :
This what I had to write for my holiday HW, maths to be precise. The topic was 'A day without measurement'. I am not liking it plot wise and the concept wise but nothing I can't think of anything. be as strict as possible!


The two round wet eyes saw their owner in the mirror, which stood tall and gigantic in front of them. The eyes weren’t wet for no reason. Of course they had a reason to be filled with water. How am I going to run the household for the rest of the month? The brain of the body, which owned these two eyes thought.

“Where are you, Lila sweetie?” A heavy male voice brought Mrs. Cole back to the reality. She placed her gold earrings into her ears as fast as she could manage. She only got one last chance to take a look at herself in the mirror before her husband stormed into their bedroom.

“You are still here, honey? Mr. Jones must be on his way. Quick, quick…quick,” He uttered the last word rather in a hush as he saw a stream of water flowing down his wife’s eyes. He made a beeline towards her and took her in his comfortable arms. “What happened, Lila?” He asked, looking down on his wife.

Mrs. Cole looked up to her husband and started heaving louder. “How do I tell you this?” She said and scrunched shut her eyes; tears started flowing down more rapidly than before.

“Just tell me and get rid of the burden,” Mr. Cole consoled her. She opened her brown eyes and gave a slight smile. “What is it?” He asked again, in more of a panic now.

“I just…how do I say this…? I just spent all the money for this month’s ration on tonight’s feast.”

Mr. Cole gaped in awe, unable to believe what he had just heard from his wife. “What?” was all he could manage.

“Listen, Jack I am really sorry.” She mumbled and looked at her husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression.

“Are you serious? I mean, is this the…truth?” He stuttered, as he finally came to confront the truth. He pushed away his wife, though not roughly, and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could.

“I am telling you the truth. Sorry, please don’t get angry…we could find a way to-” Mr. Cole stopped her halfway.

“How could you this to me, to us? Didn’t you have the money I gave you two months back, which I asked you to save?” Mr. Cole bellowed at his wife, which was unusual of him.

“Yes, you’re right. I did have the money, but I spent it last week on…Luciana’s dress and books,” Mrs. Cole blurted out the truth, afraid of what might come next.

“Oh my! Dresses of the ladies!” Jack buried his head onto his hands, so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead. “Let’s go,” he finally managed to say.

X-X- :D X-X

Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again. The clock, as we know it, doesn’t exist in this part of the world and neither does the word ‘measurement’. If a person of our world, of my world, ever walked to Coles’ and asked them about measurement, the person would receive huge disappointment. They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work. They hardly have any technology to easy their work. Just like ancient times, but the only difference is that they are civilized and they have beautiful houses.

Master Cole ran down to his daddy and smiled.
“What is it Peter? Not now,” Mr. Cole dismissed his son. Peter’s brightly lit face changed into a disappointed one, and he walked away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.


“They are there, Papa,” Luciana Cole shouted from her bedroom’s balcony and rushed down to welcome the much-expected guests. She took the wooden stairs down to the cloak room and then exited from there to the main gates. She had expected to see two people; a middle-aged man with his wife, but what greeted her was very much different. The family is much bigger than our expectation, Luciana thought to herself and grimaced.

“Good evening, Mr. Jones. How was your ride?” Luciana’s father bowed down to a plump man with a big mustache, and a wobbling belly.

The man roared with laughter at nothing specific. Papa just asked how his journey was. Why did he have to laugh? And that too a demonic one, Luciana thought, as her lips curled in disgust. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble father worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all of the food in his house. Not to look rude or anything, she walked to where her father stood with her mother.

“Well, I had a great time riding through these woods. When you get a promotion, my boy, change your house. It’s beautiful, no doubt, but wolves might eat your little daughter.” Mr. Jones said and looked cunningly at Luciana and burst into yet another sardonic laugh.

“I will keep that in mind, sir.” Mr. Cole replied, trying his best not to show the irritation on his face, as he introduced his family. “This is my family,” he said holding onto his wife’s shoulders proudly. “Here my wife, Lila; my daughter, Luciana, and my dear little son, Peter, who might be on his way from the kitchen. The little boy is a foodie, indeed.” He burst out into laughter as his wife glared at him. How dare he make fun of my little angel in front of this guy who rather looks foodie, Lila thought, taking in a deep breath, and still glaring at her husband.

The little boy came rushing with a chocolate in his hands, looking down at the floor while running, and accidentally bumped into Mr. Jones. The boy, as was very small and naughty, forgot to apologize to Mr. Jones. Such an immoral boy, though Mr. Jones.

X-X- :D X_X

The family was big, a very big one, that of the Jones'. It consisted of Mr. Jones, his wife, his three daughters, four sons, and two nieces, who had come for a vacation at their uncle’s.

“I don’t think we would be left with something to eat tonight,” Luciana whispered to her housemaid, Grace. Grace smiled teasingly. She put her hand in front of her lips, so as not to offend the special guests.

“The dinner is almost ready, Mr. Jones. Lila is a brilliant cook,” Mr. Cole boasted and then bent down to Mr. Jones’ ears and continued, “and also a perfectionist. Might be checking on everything again and again.”

Mr. Jones didn’t find Jack’s this joke anywhere near entertaining and growled in fury. I had expected a grand feast. But they haven’t even got the food till now. A thought like this was very common to him as he was a big fan of food, and especially when it was free.

Lila walked down the three stairs from her kitchen and landed in the dining room with a big tray filled of mouth-watering, savouring items. Her pink lipstick sparkled as she smiled on her give-us food-or we’ll-attack guests. Her smile worked; they all started smiling. Was it the magic of her smile or the dinner she had just brought in? Whatever it was, the only thing she wanted was a promotion for her husband. Otherwise, why else would she have spent all her day in the hot kitchen cooking for these beasts?

The beasts couldn’t be made to wait for long, and with the help of Luciana and Grace, Mrs. Cole was able to serve the food to them quickly. The smile on Mr. Jones’ face widened each moment something new on his plate was served.

The silence took over the dining room as the Jones family indulged themselves in enjoying the food about which Mr. Cole had always boasted. There was chicken, three varieties of it, pasta, beef, and special bread which Mrs. Cole had claimed to be of Italy. Other than that there were more dishes, which Mr. Jones didn’t enjoy much, so not much of them were served.

Mr. Jones took in a bite out of the chicken. Slowly, he chewed it and when he finally realized what was wrong with it, he couldn’t stop himself from shouting. “What the hell is this?” He barked like a dog. He took in a long breath and at one point almost froze.The beads of sweat that embedded his face was a sight to see. His face turned red. Not red because of the chilies that had been put in excess, but of the anger which took over him in an instant. “What is this, Mr. Cole? How dare you serve me and my family this crap?”

The Cole family, unable to understand why Mr. Jones was making such a fuss, ran over to him, when he brought out his tongue and panted like a dog. They all tried to give him a glass of water and he took it rudely and gulped down in one go. The water that they offered to him was taken by him rudely, and gulped down it in one go. Then followed another glass, some wine, another glass, until his stomach could take no more.

Meanwhile, the other Jones all this while watched the head of their family get nasty and didn’t dare touch their food unless he blurted out the truth. A bit stable, Mr. Jones narrowed his eyebrows at Mr. Cole and then Lila, and got up from his chair. “Was it chicken or a chilly farm? Eh?” He said sarcastically.

On finally getting to know the problem, Lila bent down her face in embarrassment so to avoid any eye-contact. How could I do this? This has never happened before. This was a new recipe which Mrs. Smith gave me. I must have put in more chilies than required,” Mrs. Cole wondered to herself, while looking down at the floor.

How can Lila do this to me, to our children? Forget about the promotion, he’s not even going to let me work in his company anymore, Mr. Cole cursed his wife. He waked to his boss and bowed down his head as an apology. “I am sorry, Mr. Jones and so is Lila. We’re extremely sorry. You might want to try the apple tart?”

“Apple tart? No way. I am not even going to have water of your house. You might have put in all the sugar available in Glaxo in the tart.” Mr. Jones shouted, burning with fury. “I can’t risk my life here.” He looked at his wife, who sat without any expressions, just praying to God for saving this horror to her and her children. “We are leaving this instance.”

“Please, sir…I am really very sorry. This was just a mistake. Apple tart is Lila’s specialty.”

“So was the chicken, wasn’t it?” Mr. Jones couldn’t stop growling. “And you’re fired. Forever.”

"But sir how can you do this to me?" Mr. Cole asked.

"The same way you served me this," an evil grin took over Mr. Jones' face.

"So, is it final?" Mr. Cole asked in fury.

"Yes it is," replied Mr. Jones determinedly.

"Now I have something to say. Listen. Your this big family has cost me so much at food. Working with you is like a nightmare. Everybody calls you a belly dancer, not because of your moves, but because of your belly. All the food of Glaxo goes waste in satisfying your hunger." Mr. Cole barked like a dog, unable to control the outburst that had taken over him.

"Shut up!" replied Mr. Jones, though now more calm and abashed.

Mrs. Jones knew her husband and his potential to start World War Three. So without saying anything she ordered her children and nieces to get up. The family went away, without any delay.

Tears started falling down Mrs. Cole’s face, and she brought close the sleeves of her gown to wipe the tears. She couldn’t believe that she had committed such a blunder, equivalent to a sin which took a toll on her family.

The Cole children, amidst all this action, had only one thought in their mind. They could now eat the food peacefully for they knew that only this chicken was chilly farm as it was their mother’s first experiment. Luciana looked at her younger brother, and they both smiled.


Mr. Cole sat there in his chair, holding his head firmly with his hands, which were quivering. He had no savings left and no job. How on earth would he support his family?

Then came a knock on the door, and then someone cleared their throat.
“Come in,” he spoke, more in a mumble.
In walked Mrs. Cole, abashed and sorry. “Honey, I am so sorry. This happened all because of me.”

“Hmm..what can you do now? Everything’s over.” Jack looked up, his eyes telling a painful story. “That Jones is an evil guy; he won’t take a minute in spreading this news across whole of Glaxo. No one would give us any job.”

Lila’s heart thumped in her chest and she felt headache. She had cried for almost two hours. In Glaxo, serving something when you have called them in for dinner is a sign of disrespect.

“But how did the chilly farm came?”

“Well, this recipe of chicken was something what Mrs. Smith told me. She asked to add chilly according to our taste buds and that’s what went wrong. I know how much to put in other things I made, but since this was new, I was confused,” declared Lila.

Only if this part of the world, the Glaxo civilization knew the importance of measurement, the use of it in our daily lives, story for Coles would have been entirely different.

I hope you liked it!
Last edited by MiaParamore on Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:00 pm, edited 10 times in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Fri Jul 02, 2010 6:21 pm
Sins says...



Hey there, Shubhi :)

I'm here to review as requested. I've reviewed plenty of your stiff before, therefore, you know how I review! I will begin with some of my nit-picks, then I'll move on to my overall opinion. Just to let you know, I don't know much about Sci-fi, so this might not be the best review in the world.

The two round, wet eyes saw their owner in the mirror, which stood tall and gigantic in front of them. The eyes weren’t wet for no reason. Of course they had a reason to be filled with water. How am I going to run the household for the rest of the month? The brain of the body, which owned these two eyes thought.

Remember to italicize thoughts.

“Where are you, Lila, sweetie?” A heavy male voice brought Mrs. Cole back to the reality. She placed her gold earrings into her ears as fast as she could manage. She only got one last chance to take a look at herself in the mirror before her husband stormed into their bedroom.


“How do I tell you this?” She said and scrunched shut her eyes shut, the tears falling down more rapidly than before.


“Just tell me and get rid of the burden,” Mr. Cole consoled her. She opened her brown eyes and gave a slight smile. “What is it?” He asked again, in more of a panic now.


“I just…how do I say this…? I just spent all the money for this month’s ration on tonight’s feast.”


“Listen, Jack, I am really sorry.” She mumbled and looked at his husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression.

I liked this. :)

“Are you serious? I mean, is this the…truth?” He stuttered, as he finally came to confront the truth. He pushed away his wife, though not roughly, and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could.


“I am telling you the truth. Sorry, please don’t get angry…we could find a way to-” Mr. Cole stopped her halfway.

Angry sounded better here.

“How could you this to me, to us? Didn’t you have the money I gave you two months back which I asked you to save?” Mr. Cole bellowed at his wife, which was unusual of him.


"Oh my! Dresses for the ladies!” Jack buried his head onto his hands, and so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead. “Let’s go,” he finally managed to say.


Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again.


The clock, as we know it, doesn’t exist in this part of the world and neither does the word ‘measurement’. If a person of our world, of my world, ever walked to Coles’ and asked them about measurement, the person would receive huge disappointment. They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work. They hardly have any technology to easy their work. Just like ancient times, but the only difference is that they are civilized and they have beautiful houses.

This clump of writing felt a bit like an info dump, to be honest. To be honest, you don't really need to include all of that stuff about cooking in this. You just need to let us readers know that there are no clocks or such thing as time is part of their world.

Master Cole ran down to his daddy and smiled.

“What is it Peter? Not now,” Mr. Cole dismissed his son. Peter’s brightly lit face changed into a disappointed one and he walked away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.

You changed the tense from past to present here. :wink:

The family is much bigger than what we expected, Luciana thought to herself and grimaced.

Italicizing!

“Good evening, Mr. Jones. How was your ride?” Luciana’s father bowed down to a plump man, with a big mustaches, and a wobbling belly.

You don't need the comma I highlighted in red here.

Papa just asked how his journey was. Why did he have to laugh? And that too a demonic one, Luciana thought, as her lips curled in disgust. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble father, worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all of the food in his house. Not to look rude or anything, she walked to where her father stood with her mother.


“Well, I had a great time riding through these woods. When you get a promotion, my boy, change your house. It’s beautiful, no doubt, but wolves might eat your little daughter.” Mr. Jones said and looked cunningly at Luciana and burst into yet another sardonic laugh.


“I will keep that in mind, sir.” Mr. Cole replied, trying his best to show the irritation on his face, as he introduced his family.

You don't need the second comma here.

“This is my family,” he said, holding onto his wife’s shoulders proudly. “Here is my wife, Lila; my daughter, Luciana, and my dear little son, Peter, who might be on his way from the kitchen. The little boy is a foodie, indeed.” He burst out into laughter as his wife glared at him. How dare he make fun of my little angel in front of this guy who rather looks foodie, Lila thought, taking in a deep breath, and still glaring at her husband.


The family was big, a very big one, that of the Jones's. It consisted of Mr. Jones, his wife, his three daughters, four sons, and two nieces, who had come for a vacation at their uncle’s.


Mr. Jones didn’t find Jack’s this joke at all entertaining and growled in fury. I had expected a grand feast, but they haven’t even got the food till now. A thought like this was very common to him as he was a big fan of food, and especially when it was free.

At this moment, I'm finding your characters rather confusing. Sometimes you're calling Jack Cole, Jack, sometimes you're calling him Mr. Cole, and other times you've called him Papa. Considering the story is set in third person, only call him by one name. Also, you should note who it is that is thinking thoughts.

Lila, walked down the three stairs from her kitchen and landed in the dining room with a big tray filled of mouth-watering, savoury items.

You don't need the first comma here. :wink:

The silence took over the dining room as the Jones family indulged themselves in enjoying the food about which Mr. Cole had always boasted. There was chicken; three varieties of it Pasta, beef, and special bread which Mrs. Cole had claimed to be from Italy. Other than that, there were some more dishes, which Mr. Jones didn’t enjoy much, so not many of them were served.

You're calling him Mr. Cole again now.

Mr. Jones took in a bite out of the chicken. Slowly, he chewed it and when he finally realized what was wrong with it, he couldn’t stop himself from shouting. “What the hell is this?” He barked like a dog. He took in a long breath and at one point and almost froze.


The water that they offered to him was taken by him rudely, and gulped down it in one go. Then followed another glass, some wine, another glass, until his stomach could take no more.


Meanwhile, the other Jones's watched the head of their family get nasty and didn’t dare touch their food unless he blurted out the truth.


On finally getting to know the problem, Lila bent down her face in embarrassment s to avoid any eye-contact. How could I do this? This has never happened before. This was a new recipe which Mrs. Smith gave me. I must have put in more chilies than required,” Mrs. Cole wondered to herself, while looking down at the floor.


How can Lila do this to me, to our children? Forget about the promotion, he’s not even going to let me work in his company anymore, Mr. Cole cursed at his wife. He walked over to his boss and bowed down his head as an apology. “I am sorry, Mr. Jones, and so is Lila. We’re extremely sorry. You might want to try the apple tart?”

Considering he's speaking to his boss, I doubt he'd say 'wanna'. :wink:

“Please, sir…I am really very sorry. This was just a mistake. Apple tart is Lila’s specialty.”


“So was the chicken, wasn’t it?” Mr. Jones couldn’t stop growling. “And you’re fired. Forever.”

I know that Mr. Jones is mean, but surely, he wouldn't fire someone for giving him chicken he didn't like...?

Mrs. Jones knew her husband and his potential to start World War Three. So without saying anything else, she ordered her children and nieces to get up.


Tears started falling down Mrs. Cole’s face and she brought close the sleeves of her gown to her face to wipe the tears.


The Cole children, amidst all this action, had only one thought in their mind.They could now eat the food peacefully for they knew that only this chicken was chilly farm as it was their mother’s first experiment.

I'm not sure what you were trying to say in the second sentence here. Maybe you should consider rephrasing it?

In walked Mrs. Cole, abashed and sorry. “Honey, I am so sorry. This happened all because of me.”


“Hmm..what can you do now? Everything’s over.” Jack looked up, his eyes telling a painful story. “That Jones is an evil guy; he won’t take a minute in spreading this news across the whole of Glaxo. No one would give us any job.”

Because his wife cooked bad chicken...

“But how did the chilly farm came?”

Huh...?

“Well, this recipe for chicken was something what Mrs. Smith told me. She asked to add chilly according to our taste buds and that’s what went wrong. I know how much to put in other things I made, but since this was new, I was confused,” declared Lila.


Only if this part of the world, the Glaxo civilization, knew the importance of measurement, the use of it in our daily lives. If so, the story of the Coles would have been entirely different.

Hehe :lol:


Overall

This was pretty good, Shubhi. My favourite thing about this story, I think, were your characters. Although, at times, I got a bit confused because you called Jack Cole by many names. Forgetting about that, I really did like your characters. I especially liked Mr. Jones. I could easily picture him in my head and he actually reminds me of someone... :lol: I'm not too sure whether that's a good thing or not. Mr. Jones isn't the nicest guy in the world, after all. I also liked your other characters, they were entertaining to read about. What I liked best about your characters was the fact that they were all different and each one of them had their own personalities. When it comes to the story itself, it was rather confusing at times. From what I could tell happened though, I quite liked it. It was a simple idea, but I think that it was a good one. As for your grammar, it was pretty good! I must say, since I first started reviewing your work, your grammar has improved by an awful lot. Well done for that, Shubhi. When it comes to your spelling, I didn't find any misspelled words.

My main critique for this, I think, is that this was a bit confusing at times. One of the things that I found confusing about this was the fact that you called Jack Cole by many names. Most of the time, you called him Mr. Cole. The problem is the fact that, at other times, you called him Jack. You even called him Papa at one point. If someone was thinking or speaking, then calling Jack Cole by different names would be okay. It's juts that you called him different names when people weren't speaking and when people weren't thinking either. Because of this, I sometimes forgot who you were talking about when you were talking about Jack Cole. Another thing that made this slightly confusing was the way you phrased some things. This wasn't much of an issue though, to be honest. Your phrasing has improved loads since the first time I reviewed some of your stuff. Any areas that I did think you phrased things awkwardly, I corrected for you. :wink: I can completely understand how you sometimes phrase things awkwardly though. English isn't your first language, after all. To be honest though, considering English isn't your first language, you phrase and spell things very well.

My other critique is the fact that I felt as though this was kind of melodramatic at times. I'm aware that Mr. Jones is supposed to be a cruel, nasty character, but I don't think that he really would have fired someone for giving him bad chicken. Also, wasn't he considering giving Jack Cole a promotion? It's kind of drastic going from considering a promotion to firing. If you think about it, it makes sense, doesn't it? If you want the firing thing to be more effective, I think that you should make some more things go wrong, not only the chicken. You could have made this story pretty funny, I think. There are loads of things that you could have done. For example, you could have done something like one of Jack Cole's children doing something very bad. You could have made Jack's son run into him while messing about or something? If you included little problems like this in this story, I think that it wouldn't be as melodramatic as it is right now. :wink:

Overall, this story certainly does have potential. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what I've said. After doing that, you should consider editing this up a bit. If you do that, you will definitely have a great story here, Shubhi!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian
Last edited by Sins on Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:02 pm
GeeLyria says...



Spoiler! :
This story was sad, but funny at the same time... I mean, everything went wrong because they didn't use measurement! Good story! 8) :D


The two round wet eyes saw their owner in the mirror, which stood tall and gigantic in front of them. The eyes weren’t wet without any reason. Of course they had a reason to be filled with water. How am I going to run the household for the rest of the month? The brain of the body, which owned these two eyes thought.

The beginning makes me wanna keep on reading! :wink: Good one!

“Listen Jack, I am really sorry.” She mumbled and looked at his husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression.
"Listen Jack, I am really sorry." She mumbled and looked at his husband's visage yet again, which wore no expression.

He pushed away his wife, though not roughly and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could.
He pushed away his wife, thought not roughly, and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could

“How could you this to me, to us?

Hmm... I think there's suppose to be a do between you and this.

"Didn’t you have the money I gave you two months back which I asked you to save?” Mr. Cole bellowed on his wife, which was unusual of him.

"Didn't you have the money I gave you two moths back, which I asked you to save?" Mr. Cole bellowed on his wife, which was unusual of him.

“Yes, you’re right. I did have the money but I spent it last week on…Luciana’s dress and books,” Mrs. Cole blurted out the truth, afraid of what might come next.

"Yes, you're right. I did have the money, but I spent it last week on... Luciana's dress and books," Mrs. Cole blurted out the truth, afraid of what might come next.

“Oh my! Dresses of the ladies!”

"Oh, my! Dresses of the ladies!"

Jack buried his head onto his hands, and so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead.
Maybe you should just pick one, and or so. 8)

X-X- :D X-X

They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work.
They do not have any measurements, the cooking and the time, mostly runs on guess work.

Peter’s brightly lit face changes into a disappointed one and eh walks away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.

Peter's brightly lit face changes into a disappointed one, and he walks away to his mothers, who was busy carrying out the last minut preparations.

She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble father worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all the food in his house.
She couldn't bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble father, worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all food in his house.

X-X- :D X_X

“The dinner is almost ready, Mr. Jones. Lila is a brilliant cook,”

"The dinner is almost ready, Mr. Jones. Lila is a brilliant cooker.
Was it the magic of her smile or the dinner she had just brought in?

Was it the magic of her smile? or The dinner she had just brought in?


“Well, this recipe of chicken was something what Mrs. Smith told me. She asked to add chilly according o our taste buds and that’s what went wrong.
Uh, I found a typo error.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:17 pm
bluewaterlily says...



Here is your review as requested. Sorry it took so long, but I had to run alot of errands. Any way, onto the review.

Mrs. Cole looked up to her husband and started heaving louder. “How do I tell you this?” She said and scrunched shut her eyes, the tears falling down rapidly than before.
She needs to be lowercase, and the last phrase wasn't worded correctly. Try the tears started flowing down more rapidly than before. Also the comma after eyes needs to be changed to a semicolon.

“Just tell me and get rid of the burden,” Mr. Cole consoled her.
There should be the two words highlighted in red.

She opened her brown eyes and gave a slight smile.
We know she has brown eyes.

“What is it?” He asked again, in more of a panic now.
He should be lowercase.

“Listen, Jack am really sorry.She mumbled and looked at his husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression.
You forgot the I between Jack and am. The period behind sorry should be changed to a comma and She should be lowercase. Also yet should have a comma in front of it.

Jack buried his head onto his hands, so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead.
Don't you mean into?

Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again. The clock, as we know it, doesn’t exist in this part of the world and neither does the word ‘measurement’. If a person of our world, of my world, ever walked to Coles’ and asked them about measurement, the person would receive huge disappointment. They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work. They hardly have any technology to easy their work. Just like ancient times, but the only difference is that they are civilized and they have beautiful houses.
I agree with the other reviewers that this paragraph is a huge infodump.

Peter’s brightly lit face changed into a disappointed one and he walked away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.
There should a comma between the two words highlighted in red.

Grace couldn't stop herself from smiling her teasing smile.
The phrase highlighted in blue sounds repetitive. Also you ended the last sentence with Grace and began this sentence with the same. Your usually not suppose to do this. Maybe you should rewrite the sentence like this: The housemaid smiled teasingly.

A thought like this was very common to him as he was a big fan of food, and especially when it was free.
There should be a comma between him and as.

There was chicken, three varieties of it, Pasta, beef, and special bread which Mrs. Cole had claimed to be of Italy.
Pasta should be lowercase.

Slowly, he chewed it and when he finally realized what was wrong with it, he couldn’t stop himself from shouting.
There should be a comma between the two words highlighted in red.

“What the hell is this?” He barked like a dog. He should be lowercase.

The sweat of bead that embedded his face was a sight to see.
Don't you mean beads of sweat?

They all tried to give him a glass of water and he took it rudely and gulped down in one go. The water that they offered to him was taken by him rudely, and gulped down it in one go.
This is too repetitive; you can do without one of these sentences.

“Was it chicken or a chilly farm? Eh?” He said sarcastically.
He should be lowercase.


The followed another glass, some wine, another glass, until his stomach could take no more.
I believe you mean Then Another glass of what? Water? :|

He waked to his boss and bowed down his head as an apology.
You don't need the word down, since bow means to bend downward. :wink:

“I am sorry, Mr. Jones and so is Lila. We’re extremely sorry. You might wanna try the apple tart?”
Mr.Cole's speech goes from sounding formal to sounding informal because of wanna. I think you should change wanna to want to.

“Apple tart? No way. I am not even going to have water of your house. You might have put in all the sugar available in Glaxo in the tart.” Mr. Jones shouted, burning with fury. The period needs to be a comma.

He looked at his wife, who sat without any expressions, just praying to God for saving this horror to her and her children.
Her should be she.

"But sir how can you do this to me?" Mr. Cole politely asked.
I don't think if you were about to lose your job, you would be polite. Try a word like indignantly .

The same way you served me this," an evil grin took over Mr. Jones' face.
The comma should be a period and you need to capitalize An.

So without saying anything she ordered her children and nieces to get up.
There should be a comma between anything and she.

Tears started falling down Mrs. Cole’s face and she brought close the sleeves of her gown to wipe the tears.
A comma is needed between the two words highlighted in red. Also, the phrase highlighted in blue was sort of confusing. I think you should reword it like this: she brought the sleeves of her gown up to her face so she could wipe the tears.

They could now eat the food peacefully for they knew that only this chicken was chilly farm as it was their mother’s first experiment.
Insert a comma between peacefully and for.

Luciana looked at her younger brother and they both smiled.
You need a comma after the word brother.

Mr. Cole sat there in his chair, holding his head firmly with his hands, which were quivering.
Don't you mean in?

Lila’s heart thumped in her chest and she felt headache.
A comma is needed after the word chest. Also the sentence would sound better if you rewrote the last part like this: she felt a headache.

In Glaxo, serving something when you have called them in for dinner is a sign of disrespect.
This sentence is confusing.

“But how did the chilly farm came?”
Came is supposed to be come.


She asked to add chilly according to our taste buds and that’s what went wrong.
Insert a comma after the word buds.

Overall: This story was interesting. I liked the idea of a civilization without measurement, very uniuqe. However, I think Mr. Jones overreacted. Would someone really be cruel enough to fire their employee because that employee's wife served them bad chicken? And if Mr. Jones did fire Mr.Cole, you should make more stuff go wrong. Perhaps when Lila is serving the food, some of it gets spilled on Mr.Jones and his family. Or how about, Mr. Jones was allergic to one of the foods, and Mr.Cole knew about his allergies but forgot to tell Lila about Mr. Jone's allergies, and she ended up serving him a dish that he was allergic to , and he ended up having a serious allergic reaction. Then he would have a reason to get angry. Other than that, good story, and keep writing~bluewaterlily.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden
  





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Sun Jul 04, 2010 7:43 am
Lava says...



Hey Shubhi!

The nitpicks are covered, so I'm not going to. I'll give you a few guidelines to help you with this.

Well, honestly, I didn't really like this. Your other works are much better, the way it's written and stuff. Now, my main problem with this is execution and the melodrama. The idea of a cooking disaster is okay, but I don't like how it involved Mr.Cole being fired and this 'evil' boss guy you were trying to create. Your character development was off and so was description. It seemed like it was hastily put together.
Now, the best way to put in this idea would be humour. You should have tried to work on that rather than this drama. I would suggest you to try that. However, yes humour is difficult, so let's look at other options.
Also, I didn't like the first part. It didn't serve much of a purpose. It would be better if you forced us into the arrival of the guests or something. That would be better as this just looked like a boring start.
Now, what I would say is, start over, think fresh. Think along how 'chaos' is prevalent because of no measurements. And maybe to fit in this genre better you could make them aliens (with lots of details) or humans who have evolved into creatures that haven't the slightest idea of logical thinking. Make them barbaric or make them supremely evolved to be above the need for measurements or make it a tale of someone fighting to implement the need of measurement. These are just ideas, dear. Try to think more and come up with something better, because I know you can.
Well now, measurement isn't only cooking but the concept of money as well. So, allusions to money wouldn't be valid in this storyline.

Okay, I hope you understood this. If you want, we can work on this through PM's.
Always happy to help out.

~ava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Sun Jul 04, 2010 7:24 pm
Mr.Knightley says...



Hey Shubhi! Here to review as requested.

As Lava said, the nitpicks are all covered, so I'll focus on other things. :D

This left me at a loss, to be honest. I only understood at the very end what the point of the story was (the measurement thing). I get that you were going for a bit of irony with that, but it just wasn't executed the way I feel it could have been.

Oh wait. *reads the spoiler* Well, if I had known that little bit of info beforehand, I might have understood it. :P Still, it doesn't change anything.

Before anything else, you need to work on your narrative tone. As it is right now, your "written voice" is terribly formal, and it doesn't work in any time period. One thing I would suggest to fix that and make your tone more relaxed and realistic would be to use contractions ("I'm," "wouldn't," "that's," etc.). If you think about it, no one really says things like, "Thank you, husband, but I am very upset right now." ;) It just doesn't work. However, saying something like, "I'm really mad right now" is more in tune with today's speech patterns.

That's one thing. You also said you weren't too crazy about the plot? Well, neither was I.

When I think of a day without measurement, the first thing that comes to mind is, "whimsical chaos." The idea you have here has potential to make this whimsical chaos happen. Just think of the idea of having no measurements in a wider view. Meaning, don't think of how it might affect one particular family; instead, imagine what would happen if the world lost measurements for a day! Planes would crash, clocks wouldn't work, food would turn nasty (as you've shown here), and the internet would die. Panic would ensue! That's what I feel you should have done with this. It would make it less dramatic and serious (it would tone down the melodrama, as Lava said).

Otherwise, hm. Your wording of certain things makes me think that English might not be your first language? If it isn't, then these errors that I can see are forgivable. If English is your first language, then you definitely need to work on that. But I'm not going to get into that, because I think I was right with the first guess. ;)

Anyways, work on that stuff! I hope I could help a little. : )

-Knightley
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Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:09 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there, Shubhi!

Here as requested. :wink:

Sorry, if there's going to be a repetition of nitpicks and corrections, it's because I didn't really have the time to pause and read other reviews here.


Nitpicks on the go!


“Are you serious? I mean, is this the…truth?” He stuttered, as he finally came to confront the truth.


I don't really like how you repeated the word 'truth' twice in a line. It just personally not good to read, though, twice is forgivable in a paragraph.


“Oh my! Dresses of the ladies!” Jack buried his head onto his hands, so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead. “Let’s go,” he finally managed to say.


The expression "Oh my" sounds a little bit girl-y for me. hehe. And with the last line, it'll be better I think if you'd show us his emotions? Of course, he's disappointed, so why won't you tell us in the last line?


Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again.


I'm just quite confused here. Why he keeps on staring at the sun?


“They are there, Papa,” Luciana Cole shouted from her bedroom’s balcony and rushed down to welcome the much-expected guests.


The colored word denotes that it sounds confusing to me again. "They are there" in where? I would like to suggest that you inform us where were they outside. um... you understand me? hehe.


Master Cole ran down to his daddy and smiled. (Structure?)
“What is it, Peter? Not now,” Mr. Cole dismissed his son. Peter’s brightly lit face (I would prefer that you swapped this: Peter's face brightly lit...)changed into a disappointed one, and he walked away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.


Good evening, Mr. Jones. How was your ride?” Luciana’s father bowed down to a plump man with a big mustache, and a wobbling belly.


Confusion strikes me third again. Do you remember Mr. Cole kept glancing at the sun? Then suddenly, he greets the guests 'good evening'. Sun is not equal to evening, okay? :wink:


Okay, that ends my nitpicks. So much for that... hee-hee.


Okay, I thin you did entertained me until the very last word, but, you made this story a little bit of overreacting (I agree with Mr. Timmy, or you've placed a lot of melodramatic effects here, especially, during the dinner... which I think decreases the probability of reality of this. You get me? hee-hee.

Overall, I think this has the potential to be better and I do understand that English isn't your first language. But I'm glad I read this. Hope you get a good score for this homework. And lastly, I think you have less grammatical errors and your choice of words are good. And as with your descriptions, I give a thumb up for that. :wink:
PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004

~yuri
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Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:43 am
NYCnightowl007 says...



Hello there! Sorry this is so late, but here I am, to review as requested. Wow this piece is real popular. 5 likes; good job. :D
Nit picks:
- I've noticed that you tend to use the same word twice in one sentence, or twice within two sentences, like this:
The eyes weren’t wet for no reason. Of course they had a reason to be filled with water.
A thesaurus is your friend! Try to mix in different words to keep the reader interested.
- The paragraph that starts out with "Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again. . ." seems like you aren't giving the point clearly enough. Try and make the paragraph a bit simpler and it should be good.
-
The family was big, a very big one, that of the Jones'. It consisted of Mr. Jones, his wife, his three daughters, four sons, and two nieces, who had come for a vacation at their uncle’s.
I realized that in the whole part before this, when you are introducing Mr. Jones, the rest of the family wasn't mentioned, other than the fact that it's large. Remember to include these characters, even if they are slightly unimportant.
- Though I was a fan of Mr. Jones' unique character at first, I feel that his demeanor is really harsh. He goes from laughing randomly to getting upset over chicken. Maybe you could tone this part down a bit, and add some mistakes that the Cole family would make leading up to the outburst.

Good Things:
- I like the story idea, about having no measurement. And since it's an assignment, I think you took a difficult idea and made a good story.
- It was good how after the outburst, you included the thoughts of Mrs. Jones. It gave a bit of perspective.
- You use very good descriptions while introducing anything, while it wasn't too much. I could picture everything in my head. That's a good trait to have. :smt001

I hope I helped! Keep writing,

Chrissie
"I’m usually that guy who violently kicks off his shoes at the front door because there’s something about fake wooden kitchen linoleum that appears inviting to the feverish socked footsies." - Adam Young/Owl City
  





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Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:19 am
Octave says...



Comments in red.

Shubhi wrote:Welcome all to my first Science-Fiction experiments. Do read the spoiler, it's important. :D No thanks. I'll let the story stand on its own.

Spoiler! :
This what I had to write for my holiday HW, maths to be precise. The topic was 'A day without measurement'. I am not liking it plot wise and the concept wise but nothing I can't think of anything. be as strict as possible!


The two round wet eyes Two adjectives for one noun is a bad start. Very bad. I'm already feeling disinclined to read. saw their owner in the mirror I'm against the whole MC-looks-in-the-mirror scene. It's clichéd and it's cheating. Find some other way to describe your MC., who stood tall and gigantic in front of them. Sentence definitely tries too hard. It comes out awkward and somewhat funny. The eyes weren’t wet for no reason. Duh. Don't need to tell us this. >>" Of course they had a reason to be filled with water. Redundant. Feels like filler, and definitely stinks of an author stalling her story. How am I going to run the household for the rest of the month? Granted, this isn't dialog, but it's still murderously stilted. You think the way you talk, and that's definitely awkward to say. The brain of the body, which owned these two eyes thought. Tried too hard again. Waaay too hard. It's almost comical, but it doesn't quite go that far yet.

“Where are you, Lila sweetie?” A heavy male voice Two adjectives a noun again. This is showing symptoms of adjectivitis. brought Mrs. Cole back to [Deleted the] reality. She placed her gold earrings into her ears as fast as she could manage. After finishing that sentence, I believe "fastened" would be a better word than "placed". She only got one last chance to take a look at herself in the mirror before her husband stormed into their bedroom.

“You [Deleted are] still here, honey? Mr. Jones must be on his way. Quick, quick…quick,” He uttered the last word rather in a hush Awkward phrasing. Revise. as he saw a stream of tears flowing down his wife’s eyes. He made a beeline towards her and took her in his comfortable arms. So many adjectives. You have to cut down on them, I swear. “What happened, Lila?” He asked, looking down Word repetition. on his wife.

Mrs. Cole looked Weak verb. Search for something more powerful. up to her husband and started heaving louder. This last bit sounds so wrong. It's the way it's phrased, combined with the words used, that makes it seem like a double entendre. Revise. “How do I tell you this?” Awkward. Revise. She said and scrunched her eyes shut, the tears falling down more rapidly than before.

“Just tell me and get rid of the burden,” Extremely stilted. Revise. Mr. Cole consoled her You don't need to use consoled because we know he's doing that. Said is a good word, actually. Use it.. She opened her brown eyes I'm not sure about your telling us the color of her eyes at this moment. It kind of kills the piece. and gave a slight smile. “What is it?” He asked again, in more of a panic now. Why would he panic? I don't see any logical reason for him to panic. Actually, I have no idea why she's smiling either. It's as if she's crazy and he's got an anxiety disorder.

“I just…how do I say this…? I just spent all the money for this month’s ration on tonight’s feast.” Stiff and stilted. Also, out of nowhere and rather weird. It's not grounded so we can't really feel the impact of these words. In order for that to work, we need to be more grounded in the story.

Mr. Cole gaped in awe, unable to believe what he had just heard from his wife. Last part is redundant, so delete it. “What?” was all he could manage.

“Listen, Jack, I'm really sorry.” She mumbled and looked at her husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression. Sentence tries way too hard.

“Are you serious? I mean, is this the…truth?” He stuttered, as he finally came to confront the truth Word repetition. And technically he didn't confront the truth, and I'm not sure why it's a finally when it didn't really take all that long.. He pushed away his wife, though not roughly, and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could.

“I am telling you the truth. Sorry, please don’t get angry…we could find a way to-” Stilted. Your dialog is pretty stiff. Mr. Cole stopped her halfway.

“How could you this to me, to us? Didn’t you have the money I gave you two months back, which I asked you to save?” Mr. Cole bellowed There is nothing wrong with "yelled." Or "said," for that matter. at his wife, which was unusual of him. I'd rather you show it than tell it.

“Yes, you’re right. I did have the money, but I spent it last week on… Using ellipses for dramatic pauses often comes off as funny. Here, it's hilarious, and it's annoying at the same time.Luciana’s dress and books,” Mrs. Cole blurted out the truth, afraid of what might come next. Doesn't make sense. Reads as if Mrs. Cole blurted it out because she was afraid what might come next. The logic of that sentence is obviously flawed when taken that way. Revise.

“Oh my! Dresses of the ladies!” Way stilted. Revise. Jack buried his head in his hands, so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead. The last bit isn't awkward per se, but it's strange. I can't put my finger on it. It's just...weird. Oo Kind of destroys the little flow you have. Revise. “Let’s go,” he finally managed to say.

X-X- :D X-X

Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again You mean the sunlight through the window or the sun itself outside the window? This sentence is vague.. The clock, as we WAIT. Fourth wall broken. Plus, no warnings. This comes out of nowhere and it blindsided me. Completely. know it, doesn’t exist in this part of the world and neither does the word ‘measurement’. If a person of our world, of my world, ever walked to Coles’ and asked them about measurement, the person would receive huge disappointment. ..WHAT? I don't understand where this comes from. oo" They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work. They hardly have any technology to easy their work. Just like ancient times, but the only difference is that they are civilized and they have beautiful houses. Is this some sort of explanation? Have I been tricked into reading an explanation? DD: Anyway, this paragraph doesn't belong here. Remove.

Master Cole ran down to his daddy Sounds so wrong. I don't know why, though. :\ and smiled.
“What is it Peter? Not now,” Mr. Cole dismissed his son. Body language. Show us some gestures or something. Peter’s brightly lit face changed into a disappointed one How so? and he walked I'm sure there's a better word than walked. away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.


“They are there, Papa,” Luciana Cole No need to use her full name. It makes everything sound stilted. shouted from her bedroom’s balcony and rushed down to welcome the much-expected guests. I don't know why, but I don't like this sentence. Change. She took the wooden stairs down to the cloak room and then exited from there to the main gates. She had expected to see two people; a middle-aged man with his wife, Why expected? From what I read, she saw them before coming down, so what she saw there should have prepared her for what's coming next. but what greeted her was very much different. The family is much bigger than our expectation Should be "than we expected"., Luciana thought to herself as she (I think that would work better) grimaced.

“Good evening, Mr. Jones. How was your ride?” Luciana’s father bowed down Bowed down makes me think the father got on his knees and stuff. Try taking out down. I'm not sure if it will help much, but it might. And I'm not sure why he's bowing either. Maybe it's a cultural thing? to a plump man with a big mustache, and a wobbling belly.

The man roared with laughter at nothing specific. No need to tell us it's at nothing specific. Show us that it's strange through the characters' reactions. Papa just asked how his journey was. Why did he have to laugh? And that too a demonic one Awkward, kind of makes no sense. I think I get what you're saying, but it's weird. I mean, Luciana ran down to greet them. Why is she so , Luciana thought, as her lips curled in disgust. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble Too many adjectives. father worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all of the food in his house The man had already finished eating? I wasn't under that impression.. Not to look rude or anything, she walked to where her father stood with her mother.


Okay, I stopped there. I'll be honest. I couldn't bring myself to finish it no matter how hard I tried. So I'll just mention the problems I saw.

First of all, some of your sentences don't make much sense if you take them in context. They're not examples of bad grammar either, but they're simply wrong. Like you used the wrong tense or something. Try rereading it and revising those sentences.

Characterization is weak. We don't really see much happening and the reactions are so fake it's hard to sympathize with the characters. I don't really feel any bond with them, nor am I interested in their lives. To work, a story must have characters the readers are fascinated with. That doesn't mean we have to like them - take for example Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs. We don't like him, but we're intrigued by him. Sort of curious. It's what keeps us so hooked to his story. Your characters lack that sort of magnetic, compelling charm that would keep them close to our hearts. That's not to say that all your characters have to be charming - all they have to do is be interesting.

The dialog is extremely stilted. Try paying attention to how people talk when you're on the street or something and replay the conversations in your head, taking out the umms and uhhs. They tend to use a lot of body language, and there's this sort of flow in their conversation that allows it to sound natural and not forced. The dialog here was very forced, as if you force fed the words to your characters. Try to listen to them when they talk to you in your head. :)

You like adjectives and adverbs. Very much. oo" Might want to tone it down.

The biggest problem here is that the story isn't really all that exciting. There's conflict, but the way you presented it made it flop. It was too weak, too petty and trivial for the reader to care. It's not the conflict itself that's trivial - it's pretty good, actually. It's the way you showed it to us that made it trivial. The husband-wife quarrel thing didn't really help your case either, as the dialog was (as stated before) stilted and weak. You need to turn the tension up a notch. Show me more thoughts, more fear, more emotion. Raw emotion is always good, as long as it's not overdone. Note that I'm not telling you to exaggerate. oo"

Lots of stilted sentences here too. To catch them you might want to read the piece out loud. It helps you pick out which sentences sound unnatural.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this review. T.T PM me if you have any questions about it.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


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Fri Aug 20, 2010 3:32 pm
AngerManagement says...



Hey Shubs, Anger here as requested :D

Shubhi wrote:The two round wet eyes saw their owner in the mirror, which stood tall and gigantic in front of them. The eyes weren’t wet for no reason. Of course they had a reason to be filled with water. How am I going to run the household for the rest of the month? The brain of the body, which owned these two eyes thought. The beginning is kind of unusual, makes me want to see the way the rest of the story goes, yet it pulls me back because it's not the norm..

“Where are you, Lila sweetie?”People who have known each other long enough to be married wouldn't call each others name when they are talking to each other. Seems a bit forced.

“You are still here, honey? Mr. Jones must be on his way. Quick, quick…quick,” He uttered the last word rather in a hush rather in a hush doesnt seem to fit this very well...maybe it's just me.as he saw a stream of water flowing down his wife’s eyes. He made a beeline towards her and took her in his comfortablenot needed, the 'comfortable' bit. arms. “What happened, Lila?” He asked, looking down onontohis wife.


“I just…how do I say this…? I just spent all the money for this month’s ration on tonight’s feast.” o_0 Someones in trouble, reading this I was like 'Where is the conflict?' but I think I might have found it.

“Listen, Jack I am really sorry.” She mumbled Dont use tags, saying 'he said' and 'she said' works much better and doesn't take the readers concentration off the story.and looked at her husband’s visage yet again which wore no expression.

“Are you serious? I mean, is this the…truth?” He stuttered, as he finally came to confront the truth. He pushed away his wife, though not roughly,Instead of saying 'Though not roughly' how about some other word, it stops the flow of the story. and took a deep breath to bring in all the positive energy he could.

“Oh my! Dresses of the ladies!” Jack buried his head onto his hands, so Mrs. Cole was unable to see the worry lines that formed on his forehead. “Let’s go,” he finally managed to say. What? Just 'Alright' he completely disregards the fact that she may have just bankrupted him with an 'alright', this seems like a very weird thing to do, even for someone as nice as Jack Cole.

X-X- :D X-X

Waiting for his boss to arrive, Mr. Cole paced impatiently in the corridor, glancing at the sun again and again. The clock, as we know it, doesn’t exist in this part of the world and neither does the word ‘measurement’. If a person of our world, of my world, ever walked to Coles’ and asked them about measurement, the person would receive huge disappointment. They do not have any measurements, and the cooking and the time mostly runs on guess work. They hardly have any technology to easy their work. Just like ancient times, but the only difference is that they are civilized and they have beautiful houses. This paragraph seems like info dump, I think you should have stopped at 'The clock as we know it, doesn't exist in this part of the world and neither does the word 'measurement'

Master Cole ran down to his daddy and smiled.Master Cole? Mr Cole? Just call them by their first name as not to distract the reader.

“What is it Peter? Not now,” Mr. Cole dismissed his son. Peter’s brightly lit face changed into a disappointed oneHow about Peter's brightly lit face dimmed at his fathers disapproval?, and he walked away to his mother, who was busy carrying out the last minute preparations.


“Good evening, Mr. Jones. How was your ride?” Luciana’s father bowed down to a plump man with a big mustache, and a wobbling belly. Oooh I spy a villain.

The man roared with laughter at nothing specific. Papa just asked how his journey was. Why did he have to laugh? And that too a demonic one, Luciana thought, as her lips curled in disgust. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her father, her very dear and caring humble father worked for a person who had such a laugh and who must have eaten all of the food in his house. Not to look rude or anything, she walked to where her father stood with her mother. I like Luciana, she seems like my type of character and her views on other characters are interesting.

“Well, I had a great time riding through these woods. When you get a promotion, my boy, change your house. It’s beautiful, no doubt, but wolves might eat your little daughter.” Mr. Jones said and looked cunningly at Luciana and burst into yet another sardonic laugh. 0_o Pedo Alert!

“I will keep that in mind, sir.” Mr. Cole replied, trying his best not to show the irritation on his face, as he introduced his family. “This is my family,” he said holding onto his wife’s shoulders proudly. “Here my wife, Lila; my daughter, Luciana, and my dear little son, Peter, who might be on his way from the kitchen. The little boy is a foodie, indeed.” He burst out into laughter as his wife glared at him. How dare he make fun of my little angel in front of this guy who rather looks foodie, Lila thought, taking in a deep breath, and but still glaring at her husband.

The little boy came rushing with a chocolate in his hands, looking down at the floor while running, and accidentally bumped into Mr. Jones. The boy, as was very small and naughty, forgot to apologize to Mr. Jones. Such an immoral boy, though Mr. Jones.

X-X- :D X_X



TheThe 'The' is not neededsilence took over the dining room as the Jones family indulged themselves in enjoying the food about which Mr. Cole had always boasted. There was chicken, three varieties of it, pasta, beef, and special bread which Mrs. Cole had claimed to be of Italy. Other than that there were more dishes, which Mr. Jones didn’t enjoy much, so not much of them were served.

I saw nothing to correct, or comment on for the rest of this. I liked it and I got really absorbed into it.

Only if this part of the world, the Glaxo civilization knew the importance of measurement, the use of it in our daily lives, story for Coles would have been entirely different. I was not expecting that for the end.



When I first started this, I was wondering what was so sci-fi about it. I had already begun to shield my mind from the lightsabers and flying monkeys, but then I noticed that there wasn't anything so obviously Sci-fi in it. Your characters although they seemed a little stiff at the beginning seemed to come into their own at the end. There was a bit of character development, that being Mr Jack Cole, who at the end took a complete 180 degrees and told his boss what he thought of him.

My favourite character is still Luciana because she was the first character to strike a cord with me. I like this especially the end because it wasn't expected at all. It didn't even cross my mind. Beautifully done, although there are a few grammar and spelling mistakes

Anger :D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

Anton Chekov
  








The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.