Young Writers Society

Rocksmith wrote:Ah! Well it seems I have eager ears once again for my fabled fables! One should grow weary of this...but one of that mind I am not! Come now, let me tell you a tale or two to while away the wee hours of the morning when brave and pious warriors like yourselves have to forgo your rest for noble service of your land. Let me tell you of magic and legend, legends of magic, magical mysteries, mysterious occurrences, reoccurring instances and word of witnesses! I liked this opening paragraph. However, I think that you need to set the scene first, describe the storyteller leaning over the bar, handing out drinks. Describe the tavern and the people loitering around the fireplace. Also, his speech should be in quotation marks to indicate that he is talking.

Omit useless returns.

First and foremost, in my reckoning, should be a tale of bravery. A story known throughout our province of Shalao'lorun as 'The tale of the two stones'...

You haven't finished the introduction to the first story, so this shouldn't be here, and neither should the ellipse ^^ above ^^.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon a day of humanities greatest age, 'The sigh of land', all were prosperous and all was calm. Needs were met, every thirst quenched and a smile was the most frequent expression on ones face. Good reigned above all else. I think that this should be rearranged with all the bad stuff at the beginning and the good stuff at the end, and then the wondering how long it'd last as the closing sentence. As it is, it's a bit jumbled up. After endless struggle, after strife, terror, toil, horror and plague were forgotten, the people of our land were content once again, but for how long, a soul was not to ponder. Our story begins in the quiet town of Seliath Vale... Don't forget the quotation marks to tell the reader when the barkeep stops telling the story and the story becomes real.


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The great bird swooped high above lonely lands. Eyes like beacons of amber nobility loved this description, but it really doesn't make sense in reality - beacons of nobility? gazed down at its troubled home. Restless the sea grew, ever untamed was its nature. Never changing, always eternal. Until now.

Grass scratched at flesh and fur, as if it hungered for life. The wind cried for freedom, its peace shattered by screams and fell spells. The rock of the unmovable mountains cascaded towards soft earth. Little by little the world was in decay.

Alone was young Salion, learning from the essence of 'the calm' in the Enduin lake. Tranquil waters kissed his knees, and around the shallow pearl bright lake converged haunting trees...

Salion looked up at the grey sky. He wondered why the sun had faded then gone so suddenly. It was as if a Titan of extraordinary stature had reached into the heavens and snatched it away...

Almost in his adult years now, he was eager to prove himself as a worthy warrior adept. Being Strong of fist and broad of back, he was also renowned for his skill with the blade. However, all of his arduous training and the martial prowess earned from many a year in the battle forts did give him no comfort now, in the face of this abrupt extinguishment Not a word of bright golden light. Over bone, weapon, mind and flesh was his power. How could one change or understand which was ethereal and beyond comprehension?

As is the unnatural curiosity of the people of Seliath, Salion longed for the answers to his questions. To add to that curiosity, he had heard from the noble elders of the ring of Mardiruin that one should be ever weary of peace and quick to shun it, for 'comfort leaves the mind less potent and blade less eager' elder Dwelldel had uttered on many occasions. Could this be an omen for things to come? Could the answers to this most troubling of questions be his calling and destiny to seek? He pondered. Did the foreknowledge of a time prophesised by his forefathers really have true meaning and wisdom?

I don't think so many returns are necessary. It'd look better without them too.

'So it is that my land will come under hand of dark,
Dwelleth unseen, foul legions wait,
A world dire for men is our mark,
Spirit of elders shall break evils hate.'

Salion uttered. This was the guardian’s prayer. A potent verse which was spoken on the break of each new day by every adept of the 12 battle forts of Seliath. It was taught to salion Capitalisation by his farther Watch word confusion; "father", as was every future adept told by theirs. A verse to rally to, to give warning of things to come, which only few knew, and to remind all that peace never lasts.

Salion waded as fast as he could through the sparkling lake back to shore, then hastily threw his black cotton tunic back on as he grasped for his pole arm from the lakes edge. He began his journey at a run, away from the murky river to the hill of ebor. Back into the main settlement of Seliath Vale was his path. There his answers will be found, he assured himself...

Huh. It was an interesting read. I think you should tone it down with the unusual names, as you will find that the readers will become confused trying to remember and distinguish the places from one another. It's easy to remember a place called Seliath, but when you start throwing Ebor and Mardiruin in as well, it becomes hard to recall which is which, and so the reader just doesn't bother.

I liked the style, it does sound like something that should be spoken, not read, and I think you need to be careful there, as you may lose some readers. You're also mixing the two styles. The parts that should sound like speech are the beginnings when the Barkeep is actually speaking to the crowd. The part that should read like an actual story is the narrative.

It's 4am here in Australia, so rightly so I can't think very clearly on anything else regarding your story. PM me if you've got any questions or if you edit your work

-JaI

Rocksmith wrote:Brombil the Barkeep leaned on the bar, cleaning dirty tankards with an equally dirty dishcloth. A group of street children had gathered around the fireplace to get in from the icy slush and harsh biting winds, and Brom hid a smile. He looked around the otherwise empty bar and shrugged to himself. He abandoned the rag on the bench and made his way to the shivering urchins.

"Ah! Well it seems I have eager ears once again for my fabled fables!" The young'uns gazed up at him warily, expecting to be thrown out, "One should grow weary of this... but one of that mind I am not!" Brombil winked at them and continued, "Come now, let me tell you a tale or two to while away the wee hours of the morning when brave and pious warriors like yourselves have to forgo your rest for noble service of your land. Let me tell you of magic and legend, legends of magic, magical mysteries, mysterious occurrences, reoccurring instances and word of witnesses!"

By the now the children had stopped rubbing their thin arms, but sat listening and staring at the adept story teller, "First and foremost, in my reckoning, should be a tale of bravery. A story known throughout our province of Shalao'lorun as 'The tale of the two stones'."

One of the children shifted in excitement and whispered to the nearest boy, "I know this one!" He was hushed almost immediately by his peers, and the barkeeper was delighted to notice that the barmaids and the other customers had gathered around his chair by the fire.

He cleared his throat and began, "Upon a day of humanities greatest age, 'The sigh of land', all were prosperous and all was calm. Needs were met, every thirst quenched and a smile was the most frequent expression on ones face. Good reigned above all else. I think that this should be rearranged with all the bad stuff at the beginning and the good stuff at the end, and then the wondering how long it'd last as the closing sentence. As it is, it's a bit jumbled up. After endless struggle, after strife, terror, toil, horror and plague were forgotten, the people of our land were content once again, but for how long, a soul was not to ponder. Our story begins in the quiet town of Seliath Vale..."

seeminglymeaningless wrote:lol you're in luck considering I watched the first Lord of the Rings last night. It was incredibly boring, and the CGI was terrible compared to today's standard, but it did hold a certain charm. I think that comparing your own writing to that of J.R.R.Tolkien is a tad presumptuous, but I get your meaning Just be careful of excessive weird name uses. For JRRT himself named one of his main characters Sam. Perre, Merri, Gimli - these names cannot be mistaken for weird names such as Nuzgul or Lady Galadriel. However, you can see how he has used simple names, such as Mount Doom, or the Shire to balance out such other exotic names.

Your work consists of all uncommonly named titles and places. Remember, a rose by any other name will smell as sweet. I guess my main problem was having the first main character of the first story called Salion of the people of Seliath. One quirky rule I hold onto when writing is Always Avoid Alliteration. Of course, not all authors do that; JK Rowling takes an absolute delight in creating major minor characters in that way: Pansy Parkinson, Parvati and Padma Patil, Rowena Ravenclaw etc etc.

lol, I like how you linked me to an outdated wiki page. I was wrong about "extinguishment" being an actual word. I think you'll find that not many people use it, as it has been replaced by "extinguished", which is a) easier to type/read, and b) the more accepted word. Just because "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" is a word, it's easier to say, "And then he died from inhaling microscopic glass particles originating from eruption of a volcano. True story."

Oh, I realized that Brombil wasn't the main character, and nor should he be. I liken him to the father in the beginning of The Deed of Paksenarrion novels (by Elizabeth Moon), where his children ask where the sword above the hearth came from, and he launches into the story of how Paks brought her family honour. I'm telling you this because the novel starts out with a man and his children, and then the actual *story* begins, written in the proper style of a narrative. By all means, you don't have to follow this path, but sometimes it's a good idea to take a step back from your own writing and read best-sellers from published writers to see what *works*.

I appreciate your reply, as I love reading and answering the not-so-hidden anger that many of the people I review tend to shower me in. To be honest, I was *very* sleepy by 4am, and while there were at least 4 other people in the fantasy section who had also never reviewed anyone and yet were posing their own stories, I chose you to use as an example, 1) Because you had painfully "bumped" your thread and 2) Because I actually really liked the beginning of your introduction.

I hope you do end up fixing up the spelling etc mistakes, and rework the beginning, as I can see it all in my head:

Rocksmith wrote:Brombil the Barkeep leaned on the bar, cleaning dirty tankards with an equally dirty dishcloth. A group of street children had gathered around the fireplace to get in from the icy slush and harsh biting winds, and Brom hid a smile. He looked around the otherwise empty bar and shrugged to himself. He abandoned the rag on the bench and made his way to the shivering urchins.

"Ah! Well it seems I have eager ears once again for my fabled fables!" The young'uns gazed up at him warily, expecting to be thrown out, "One should grow weary of this... but one of that mind I am not!" Brombil winked at them and continued, "Come now, let me tell you a tale or two to while away the wee hours of the morning when brave and pious warriors like yourselves have to forgo your rest for noble service of your land. Let me tell you of magic and legend, legends of magic, magical mysteries, mysterious occurrences, reoccurring instances and word of witnesses!"

By the now the children had stopped rubbing their thin arms, but sat listening and staring at the adept story teller, "First and foremost, in my reckoning, should be a tale of bravery. A story known throughout our province of Shalao'lorun as 'The tale of the two stones'."

One of the children shifted in excitement and whispered to the nearest boy, "I know this one!" He was hushed almost immediately by his peers, and the barkeeper was delighted to notice that the barmaids and the other customers had gathered around his chair by the fire.

He cleared his throat and began, "Upon a day of humanities greatest age, 'The sigh of land', all were prosperous and all was calm. Needs were met, every thirst quenched and a smile was the most frequent expression on ones face. Good reigned above all else. I think that this should be rearranged with all the bad stuff at the beginning and the good stuff at the end, and then the wondering how long it'd last as the closing sentence. As it is, it's a bit jumbled up. After endless struggle, after strife, terror, toil, horror and plague were forgotten, the people of our land were content once again, but for how long, a soul was not to ponder. Our story begins in the quiet town of Seliath Vale..."

*starry eyes*

Anyway, that's my 2 cents, feel free to rage at me I hope you continue writing, as you do have promise, and I believe with the help of this site, you'll grow in talent like so many others

-JaI

Rocksmith wrote: I felt that bringing back an old word was appropriate in this situation as it shortens the sentence it is part of. I would otherwise have had to write "However, all of his arduous training and the martial prowess earned from many a year in the battle forts did give him no comfort now, in the face of the bright golden light, so abruptly extinguished." This feels laboured compared to my origional version.

Rocksmith wrote:However, all of his arduous training and the martial prowess earned from many a year in the battle forts did give him no comfort now, in the face of this abrupt extinguishment.

Rocksmith wrote:You may be underestimating the attention span of the majority of todays readers. This is the first time anyone has complained about the use of exotic names.