Young Writers Society

So I'm writing a novel thing for this contest. This is the first chapter I don't like the title so if you could find an awesome one, kudos to you!
~*~




Her hands were stuffed into her pockets, head bent but her eyes were alert. She had the perfect face for her line of work. Bland brown eyes, plain brown hair, not too tall, not too short, nothing really special about her. A forgettable face, one you’d expect to see regularly in Manhattan. Regardless of the models and celebrities, there was another 8 million normal people in the Big Apple with boring normal lives and average faces.
She looked across the busy subway pass, people racing by, ignoring her and each other as usual. Her eyes were wide awake, looking for her next target, even though it was only 6:20 in the morning. Well, she was a New Yorker, and a young one at that, barely 17. She finally saw the two perfect targets. Tourists. Not even trying to hide it with the camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the I Love New York shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. They may as well been saying ‘Mug Me! I’m a Tourist!’.
She strode across the interpass and stood 6-7 feet away from them, a couple of people in between. She glanced up at the black board held up by two thin wires. So they were either going on the N or the W. Wonderful. She wanted to get into Queens, getting tired of the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, even if that same hustle and bustle helped make sure she was never caught. She knew the consequences of being seen but 3 years of experience reassured her that it would never happen. Of course her thin, quick fingers and fast retreat also made juvie hall seem like a story mothers tell their children when they misbehave.
The bright light at the end of the tunnel and the rushing wind grew until finally the train screeched to a stop. The tourists went in first and she followed, letting a couple of people go before her.
The ride was fairly boring, headphones, conversations or cell phones keeping everyone in the train car occupied. She noticed the tourist couple chattering loudly among themselves, a snippet of the conversation reaching her hoodie covered ears. Non-important things, she decided after hearing the lady babble about the Statue of Liberty, how cheap everything was and how nice the pictures were going to turn out. Wait. How cheap everything was? A can of soda at one of the vendors at the statue was 4.50. For the first time, she really looked at her targets. A diamond the size of a softball was on the woman’s left hand. A Rolex watch with red, blue and green pebbles that suspiciously looked like precious jewels was on the man’s right wrist. Coach bags. Perfect, shiny hair and model white teeth. Other seemingly insignificant little things that proved they were well-tailored. Three years of experience led her to the resolution that they had money.
The train hissed to a stop on Astoria-Ditmars and the tourists bustled off. She followed behind silently. What were these rich fashion-pariahs doing in Astoria? Shouldn’t they be on a yacht heading for the Mediterranean or something?
The couple was going towards the steps and she knew if she was going to do this, she had to do it now. If they went down the stairs, it wouldn’t be as crowded and there would be more of a chance she was seen. She knew that as soon as she did it, she would have to get back to Manhattan. If they truly were as well-endowed as she thought, the man would probably notice the missing wallet sooner than average people. She slipped behind the man and reverted to an old cheap technique; she slid her hand into the man’s pocket and withdrew his wallet then discreetly put it in her pocket. The tourists went on, oblivious to the fact they were just pick pocketed. The wallet was heavy in her pocket and she turned to go to the other side of the station, back to her city.

~*~

I realized that since this is going to be a novel type thing, it shouldn't go straight into the climax immediately. I'm probably going to have another 3-4 chapters then I'll get into the meat of things. Maybe I'll have her almost mugged or something. But that's not the climatic part. I know what I'm doing for that

Hey there Jas! I noticed this didn't have any reviews, so I thought I'd change that .

Bland brown eyes, average brown hair, not too tall, not too short, nothing really special about her. A forgettable face, a con face.

I don't really like how you directly point out that she's a con artist/pick pocket. I think it would be better if you let the reader figure that out on their own.

Not even trying to hide it with the large camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the floral printed shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. Where did they think they were? Hawaii?

Now this is a little over cliche, and most tourists don't wear that kind of stuff...it's too stereotypical. You can easily spot tourists in New York especially, by the fact that they wear shirts or hats with "I <3 New York" on them, or wherever the place is.

She strode across the interpass and stood about six 6-7 feet away from them, a couple of people in between.

She knew the consequences of being seen, but 3 years of experience reassured her that it would never happen.

Four years of experience led her to the resolution that they had money.

You just said three years...pick one .

A boy, her age, maybe a little younger. Staring. Right at her pocket.

I really don't like how this ends. First off it's just a kind of drop off ending. Second I think I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen next. Either he's a pick pocket too, or she's going to get into a big thing trying to get him not to tell anyone. Then she's probably going to get involded with the boy right? So I say add more in about her, show her pulling off more cons, then add in whatever boy garbage you want .

Good luck and keep writing!

~Hope

Hey thanks Bond!

you should really write more
and i agree with the other guy the tourest part was to cleche

I just want to say one thing: about the tourist in the floral print shirt, it's really sad. That's my dad when we visit florida and disneyworld and stuff. I'm hanging my head in shame. just thought I'd mention that.

LOVE --ULTRAVIOLET

jasminebells wrote:So I'm writing a novel thing for this contest. This is the first chapter I don't like the title so if you could find an awesome one, kudos to you!
~*~




Her hands were stuffed into her pockets, head bent but her eyes were alert. She had the perfect face for her line of work. Bland brown eyes, plain brown hair, not too tall, not too short, nothing really special about her. A forgettable face, one you’d expect to see regularly in Manhattan. Regardless of the models and celebrities, there was another 8 million normal people in the Big Apple with boring normal lives and average faces.
She looked across the busy subway pass, people racing by, ignoring her and each other as usual. Her eyes were wide awake, looking for her next target, even though it was only 6:20 in the morning. Well, she was a New Yorker, and a young one at that, barely 17. She finally saw the two perfect targets. Tourists. Not even trying to hide it with the camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the I Love New York shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. They may as well been saying ‘Mug Me! I’m a Tourist!’.
She strode across the interpass and stood 6-7 Usually, in novels, numbers are written out. Try revising it to something like, "ans stood six or seven feet... feet away from them, a couple of people in between. She glanced up at the black board held up by two thin wires. So they were either going on the N or the W. Wonderful. She wanted to get into Queens, getting tired of the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, even if that same hustle and bustle helped make sure she was never caught. She knew the consequences of being seen, but 3 years of experience reassured her that it would never happen. Of course her thin, quick fingers and fast retreat also made juvie hall seem like a story mothers tell their children when they misbehave.
The bright light at the end of the tunnel and the rushing wind grew until finally the train screeched to a stop. The tourists went in first and she followed, letting a couple of people go before her.
The ride was fairly boring, headphones, conversations or cell phones keeping everyone in the train car occupied. She noticed the tourist couple chattering loudly among themselves, a snippet of the conversation reaching her hoodie covered ears. Non-important things, she decided after hearing the lady babble about the Statue of Liberty, how cheap everything was and how nice the pictures were going to turn out. Wait. How cheap everything was? A can of soda at one of the vendors at the statue was 4.50. Write the price out like, four fifty. Or four dollars and fifty cents.. For the first time, she really looked at her targets. A diamond the size of a softball was on the woman’s left hand. A Rolex watch with red, blue and green pebbles that suspiciously looked like precious jewels was on the man’s right wrist. Coach bags. Perfect, shiny hair and model white teeth. Other seemingly insignificant little things that proved they were well-tailored. Three years of experience led her to the resolution that they had money.
The train hissed to a stop on Astoria-Ditmars and the tourists bustled off. She followed behind silently. What were these rich fashion-pariahs do you mean 'pihranas'? doing in Astoria? Shouldn’t they be on a yacht heading for the Mediterranean or something?
The couple was going towards the steps and she knew if she was going to do this, she had to do it now. If they went down the stairs, it wouldn’t be as crowded and there would be more of a chance she was seen. She knew that as soon as she did it, she would have to get back to Manhattan. If they truly were as well-endowed as she thought, the man would probably notice the missing wallet sooner than average peopleperson/man should replace people.. She slipped behind the man and reverted to an old cheap technique; she slid her hand into the man’s pocket and withdrew his wallet then discreetly put it in her pocket. The tourists went on, oblivious to the fact they were just pick pocketed. The wallet was heavy in her pocket and she turned to go to the other side of the station, back to her city.

~*~

OVERALL
I liked this. It's quite descriptive. Sort of vague, but since it's a novel, things get cleared up in later chapters. I like books like that better anyways.
I might shorten up a few sentences, but you can just read through and decide which ones for yourself.
This is very well done. Good work!

Hey jas!
Here as requested, 'cause I'm cool.

Red = Corrections/negatives
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions

Her hands were stuffed into her pockets, head bent but her eyes were alert. She had the perfect face for her line of work. Bland brown eyes, plain brown hair, not too tall, not too short; nothing really special about her. A forgettable face, one you’d expect to see regularly in Manhattan. Regardless of the models and celebrities, there was another 8 million normal people in the Big Apple with boring normal lives and average faces. Even though this first chapter was describing someone completely normal, which can be seriously boring, I actually liked this a lot!

She looked across the busy subway pass, people racing by, ignoring her and each other as usual. Her eyes were wide awake, looking for her next target, even though it was only 6:20 in the morning. Well, she was a New Yorker, and a young one at that, barely 17. She finally saw the two perfect targets. Tourists. Not even trying to hide it with the camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the I Love New York shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. This sentence read a bit long for me... maybe you could include a comma or something? Mind you, that just might be me! They may as well been saying ‘Mug Me! I’m a Tourist!’. I liked this line, it had a bit of a kick to it.

She strode across the interpass and stood 6-7 feet away from them, a couple of people in between. She glanced up at the black board held up by two thin wires. So they were either going on the N or the W. Wonderful. She wanted to get into Queens, getting tired of the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, even if that same hustle and bustle helped make sure she was never caught. She knew the consequences of being seen, but 3 years of experience reassured her that it would never happen. Of course her thin, quick fingers and fast retreat also made juvie hall seem like a story mothers tell their children when they misbehave.

The bright light at the end of the tunnel and the rushing wind grew until finally the train screeched to a stop. The tourists went in first and she followed, letting a couple of people go before her.

The ride was fairly boring, headphones, conversations or cell phones keeping everyone in the train car occupied. She noticed the tourist couple chattering loudly among themselves, a snippet of the conversation reaching her hoodie covered ears. Non-important things, she decided after hearing the lady babble about the Statue of Liberty, how cheap everything was, and how nice the pictures were going to turn out. Wait. How cheap everything was? A can of soda at one of the vendors at the statue was Maybe you should put 'four dollars and fifty cent here? It would definitely look better! 4.50. For the first time, she really looked at her targets. A diamond the size of a softball was on the woman’s left hand. A Rolex watch with red, blue and green pebbles that suspiciously looked like precious jewels was on the man’s right wrist. Coach bags. Perfect, shiny hair and model white teeth. Other seemingly insignificant little things that proved they were well-tailored. Three years of experience led her to the resolution that they had money.

The train hissed to a stop on Astoria-Ditmars and the tourists bustled off. She followed behind silently. What were these rich fashion-pariahs doing in Astoria? Shouldn’t they be on a yacht heading for the Mediterranean or something? I like your use of rhetorical questions.

The couple were going towards the steps and she knew if she was going to do this, she had to do it now. If they went down the stairs, it wouldn’t be as crowded and there would be more of a chance that she would be seen. She knew that as soon as she did it, she would have to get back to Manhattan. If they truly were as well-endowed as she thought, the man would probably notice the missing wallet sooner than average people. She slipped behind the man and reverted to an old cheap technique; she slid her hand into the man’s pocket and withdrew his wallet then discreetly put it in her pocket. This was phrased a bit confusingly, it was for me anyway. Maybe you could try and rephrase it so it's clearer? The tourists went on, oblivious to the fact they were just pick pocketed. The wallet was heavy in her pocket and she turned to go to the other side of the station, back to her city.

Overall

I must say, I quite liked this! Your grammar was pretty good and there were no spelling mistakes, none that I could find anyway. You had some very nice descriptions in here as well, they weren't in annoying clumps either; thank God! Your MC was rather entertaining to read about, and I like the fact that we don't know her name, I'm assuming that it's a she anyway. I liked this chapter as a whole, actually.

My main nit-pick is the fact that your sentences can sometimes be a bit on the long side. I think that Isha might have pointed this out, actually. The problem with long sentences is that it stops the story from flowing well. The flow of a story is rather important, otherwise the reader will just get annoyed and give up! That's what grammar does to a story; it makes it flow nicely. Sorting out long sentences isn't hard though at all. All that you really need to do is include the odd comma here and there in your sentences. You can do that or you can split one sentence into two or more sentences, simply by adding some periods. You could also include some semi colons if you want.

My only other real critique is the vagueness of this chapter. Mind you, that could be a good thing, I guess. For example, you didn't mention the main characters name. I actually liked that about your story though! What I would maybe like to know though is a bit of the MC's background. You said that she was seventeen and how long she'd been pick-pocketing, that was good. I'd like to know more though. Why did she start pick-pocketing? Does she have any family or is she homeless? Why does she need to pick-pocket? Is she doing it to support her homeless little brother, or something? These are some questions I have. Although, this is only the first chapter! If you include some of this information within the next few chapters, that would be fine. This is mainly important because if we know the characters better, we can have feelings towards them. The readers can feel sympathetic, they can feel sad, happy, worried. Do you get what I mean?

Although the vagueness thing can be a bit of a problem, it's also part of the reason I liked this! I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with this. I think that you should keep it rather vague, it makes the reader ask questions. This is good because if the reader asks questions, they want to know the answer to those questions. I highlighted an area where you used rhetorical questions, they were good because they also make the reader ask questions. By making the reader ask questions, it also makes them want to read more. My only small critique about being 'mysterious' is the ending of this. I think thta you could have included a better hook. Maybe someone could have called her name? Or simply called 'Hey' or something? Even if we found out in the next chapter that that 'hey' wasn't actually directed at your MC. Just a thought.

My favourite thing about this chapter was definitely your descriptions. I highlighted the description at the beginning, I really liked that! I thought that it was clever how you were describing someone as being completely normal and average, but you still managed to keep the description interesting and effective. I also liked your description of the tourists, they seemed realistic enough. By the sound of it though (other reviews) they began off rather cliché. Flowery shirts? If so, I'm glad that you've changed it now. The 'I heart New York' t-shirt was a very nice touch. The thing I liked most about your descriptions was the fact that they weren't in annoying clumps. I always congratulate someone when they do this, it makes me smile. You added the odd sprinkle of a description here and there, well done!

Overall, I am definitely glad that you asked me to review this. I liked the idea itself and I am liking your writing style, even if the flow can be a bit awkward sometimes. All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have suggested, polish this up a bit, and you will end up with a great piece of writing here!

As for the title... hmm... I'm not sure. What I find is that it's easier to figure out a title after you've actually written the story itself. Once you've finished it, you might find it easier to think of a title. I'm sorry I couldn't really help you on that, good luck with it though!

Keep writing and good luck in the competition! If you want another review, you know what to do. Just ask me in my WRFF thread. When you post the next part of this, could you ask me to review it. Pretty please? It might also help me get ideas for your title!

Hope I helped,

xoxo Skins


EDIT: Sorry, I've just noticed that this review has dragged on a bit...

Lol. Thanks Skins Isha and everyone else who reviewed!

Hi Jass. Sorry, I'm a bit late. Though Skins has pointed out almost everything, I would try to give my level best to help you out.
I'll colour what I like in pink, red for something I found wrong with and bold would be my suggestions.

Her hands were stuffed into her pockets, head bent, but her eyes were alert. She had the perfect face for her line of work occupation/ trade of work. Bland brown eyes, plain brown hair, not too tall, not too short, nothing really special about her. A forgettable face, one you’d expect to see regularly in Manhattan. I liked the line where you wrote 'nothing special about her'. That was quite a description!Regardless of the models and celebrities, there waswere another 8 In a writing piece or a literature one, we should avoid digits. Writing the number name would look more professional and mature. million normal people in the Big AppleSorry, if I don't know but what's Big Apple? Here, its a departmental chain like Walmart. with boring normal lives and average faces.

She looked across the busy subway pass, people racing by, ignoring her and each other as usual. Her eyes were wide awake, looking for her next target, even though it was only 6:20 in the morning. Well, she was a New Yorker, and a young one at that time, barely 17. She finally saw the two perfect targets. Tourists. Not even trying to hide it with the camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the I Love New York shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. They may as well been saying ‘Mug Me! I’m a Tourist!’.

She strode across the interpass and stood 6-7Again, try to avoid digits. It was a bit fine here but the other case I mentioned, you should definitely not use digits. feet away from them, a couple of people in between. She glanced up at the black boardI don't think the word should be black board but some digital board? I ain't sure but black board just doesn't suit on a New York station, held up by two thin wires. So they were either going on the N or the W. Wonderful. She wanted to get into Queens, getting tired of the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, even if that same hustle and bustle helped make sure she was never caught. She knew the consequences of being seen but 3 three years of experience reassured her that it would never happen. OMG! She was a thief since fourteen years of age! Of course her thin, quick fingers and fast retreat also made juvie hall seem like a story mothers tell their children when they misbehave.

The bright light at the end of the tunnel and the rushing wind grew more fierce(or fiercer) Just a suggestion. Change it if you like. until finally the train screeched to a stop. The tourists went in first and then she followed, letting a couple of people go before her.

The ride was fairly boring, headphones, conversations or cell phones keeping everyone in the train car occupied. She noticed the tourist couple chattering loudly among themselves, a snippet of the conversation reaching her hoodie covered ears. Non-important things, she decided, after hearing the lady babble about the Statue of Liberty, how cheap everything was and how nice the pictures were going to turn out.You might wanna add these red lines into a conversation between the couple. This, how you wrote didn't seem much right. Show me how they actually talked. You might also wanna try what kind of dialect they were using(like I don't know. Some typical State's dialect). You just try Wait. How cheap everything was? A can of soda at one of the vendors at the statue was 4.50. For the first time, she really looked at her targets. A diamond, the size of a softball was on the woman’s left hand. A Rolex watch with red, blue and green pebbles that suspiciously looked like precious jewels was on the man’s right wrist. Coach bags. Perfect, shiny hair and model white teeth. Other seemingly insignificant little things that proved they were well-tailored. Three years of experience led her to the resolution that they had money.

The train hissed to a stop on Astoria-Ditmars and the tourists bustled off. She followed behind silently. What were these rich fashion-pariahs doing in Astoria? Shouldn’t they be on a yacht heading for the Mediterranean or something?

The couple was going towards the steps and she knew if she was going to do this, she had to do it now. If they went down the stairs, it wouldn’t be as crowded and there would be more of a chance she was seen. She knew that as soon as she did it, she would have to get back to Manhattan. If they truly were as well-endowed as she thought, the man would probably notice the missing wallet sooner than average people. She slipped behind the man and reverted to an old cheap technique; she slid her hand into the man’s pocket and withdrew his wallet, then discreetly put it in her pocket. The tourists went on, oblivious to the fact they were just pick pocketed. The wallet was heavy in her pocket and she turned to go to the other side of the station, back to her city.

So, to say, I'm a big spy and thief stories fan and I'm pretty sure that I couldn't have resisted this. I love reading whatever is done discreetly and is creepy. You gave me the feel I love while reading any novel. This was perfect!

Your grammar is pretty fine and I couldn't make out any mistake as such. the spellings were right so what's left to comment on? I also liked the she word you used the whole while, without telling us the name. Honestly speaking, I'm bored by reading stories in first person but I too write that way. So this was a break, a much-awaited break.

You seem to have an obsession with numbers, I guess. Everywhere, whenever, you need to use numerical power, you wrote the digit rather than the number name. Have you ever read a book where they do this? So, please stop this habit of yours. This looks as a big attraction seeker but in a bad way. Also, when you post next installment, I would like to read more action because that's that's seriously tough to write but a great adrenaline for the reader.
And as for the title..I think Skins is quite right. You should try reading this yourself and then think of a title because we've read only a part of it and don't know the plot much and the climax(if any). We might be able to suggest something after reading more.

Hope I helped you a bit, in anyway. Feel free to PM me on anything you would like to get clarified. This was a good read and I hope you continue it! Please drop in a request you did this time when you post next.

Flying off for now!


I used way too many smilies!

Here is WritingWords, with the super-fast review you requested.

Okay, this was a good start. It would definitely be a book I would read if it was a book. Please PM me when you post more. I think that you overused words. Only a few things happened in this first chapter, except you make it seem so long. Consider reading it over and cutting out the unnecessary parts. Sometimes dragging out the events can make it seem boring, not descriptive.

Also, this part:

Not even trying to hide it with the camera hanging off the woman’s neck and the I Love New York shirt the slightly overweight man was wearing. They may as well been saying ‘Mug Me! I’m a Tourist!’.

I notice the sarcasm here, but you don't need to include the "I'm a Tourist" part. The reader can pretty much tell from the description. Reword this a bit.

Third,

She strode across the interpass and stood 6-7 feet away from them, a couple of people in between.

We don't really need to know exactly how many feet away she stood. This isn't a math problem. Try not to include numbers when you write. "A couple people in between" was enough.

Lastly,

If they truly were as well-endowed as she thought, the man would probably notice the missing wallet sooner than average people.

This didn't quite make sense to me. If they were rich, then why would they notice if money was taken from them. It wasn't as important to him as to normal, average people.
Overall, this was a really good beginning. PM me when you add more chapters!

You've gotten some really good advice on ways to revise this, so all I'm gonna say is nice job. This sounds really interesting and I'm curious to see where you take this plot. I think this could still use a bit of revising, though, so just work on tweaking it a bit.

wow! i like it! so, you said you didnt like the name you had. well, i was thinking after reading this, and here are some of my ideas:
1.Theif of Hearts
2.Empty Pockets
3.Theif Among the People
4.Stolen Fair and Square

well, those were just some quick thoughts...if you need any more help, just PM me. i hope to hear from you! and great job on the book! keep going!