Young Writers Society

I wasn't planning on writing a second part to this, but a few people asked me to so... here it is! It's quite a lot shorter than the first part. I've got to be honest, I don't really like it... Any suggestions?

This would make a lot more sense if you read the first part of this!
Love, Demise and Last Goodbyes ~ Him


Love, Demise and Last Goodbyes ~ Her

I don’t have feelings anymore; they hurt too much. I simply watch the world pass by as though I’m living in an alternative reality. It's too hard to live without him. I open my eyes and stare into the dirty mirror in front of me. I don’t want to think about it, about him.
Everyone told me that he was going to be all right. That’s why I don’t trust people; they lie. The doctors said that there would be a chance, but I didn’t believe them and I was right in not doing so. He may be breathing but he’s not alive, not like he used to be. He’s just lying lifelessly, his formally tanned skin has turned pale and his soft hair looks flat; dead.
I may not be able to look into his deep blue eyes anymore or feel his warm breath on my neck, but at least I can see him. He’s all that I have now, I can’t let him go. You have to make the best out of what you have, after all.
As I continue to stare into the mirror, my ears listen to the soft music circling in the bathroom. I’m not sure where the speakers are but I want them to stop playing that horrible, relaxing music. It feels as though it’s mocking me. Forcing the music out of my head, I reach into the pocket of my worn out jeans. I pull out a folded piece of paper and my eyes begin to scan it. I have to keep reading it over and over. That way, I can feel close to him.
The writing’s messy but that’s what I love about it. It’s his writing, it’s perfect.



A small, crystal tear falls down my face. I knew he was ill, I’d known for a while. I should have done something, I should have helped him. I was just too busy denying it.
The paper still held tightly in my hand, I leave the bathroom in a hurry. I wanted to see him again, I needed to see him again. I walk through the hospital wards, ignoring everyone and everything around me. Some people are staring at my bloodshot eyes, but I just ignore them. It feels like hours have passed but I’m finally in the room. I sit down on a chair beside him and simply stare.
I remember how he lay in my arms, dying. I remember how I screamed, how no one came, how no one cared. When the ambulance came; that’s when I found the letter. It was stuffed untidily into his left jeans pocket, and now it’s in mine.
I run my hand softly along his jaw line, feeling it’s perfect shape. I concentrate on his eyes that are gently shut, wishing that they would open. Wishing that I could see his deep blue eyes one more time. I lean forward and brush my lips against his, dreaming that he would kiss them back; but he can’t. Forcing a tear not to fall, I carefully stroke his ash blonde hair.
As I sit there, I try to ignore my senses. I try to ignore the horrible smell of bleach and disinfectant and the sound of a beeping machine. I try to ignore the nameless faces that pass by the door every few minutes. I try and fail. I can’t ignore my feelings anymore, I can’t hide from them anymore. Ignoring my feelings means ignoring him; ignoring my love for him.
The doctors say that he might make it, but I know that they’re just telling me this to make me feel better. They want to switch off the machines, they want to let him die. All they care about is having a spare room, a spare bed for someone they think will live. That doesn’t matter though because I know that he’ll live. It might take days, it might take years but I know that he’ll live. I know this because it’s the simple things that make a difference.
That was how we met; simply. We didn’t meet in a fancy way. We didn’t meet in a school dance or anything, we met in a park in the middle of Winter. He was sitting on a wooden park bench; our bench. I was dressed in a baggy hoodie while he wore an old t-shirt. Simple things are what’s important. A smile, for example.
All it took was a smile. One simple glance in my direction, one simple feeling at the pit of my stomach. I knew he would die for me, the only one who would ever truly care about me. He was amazing, he was all mine; he still is. All that I need now is a miracle and you know what they say; love conquers all.

Thanks in advance for any reviews!

This lived up to all of my expectations and more, I think I like the other one a little more, but that's just me. How can you not like this!

Yet again, would be delighted if someone as good as you would look over my work...

Just brilliant

Bye

Hello there!

This was an interesting piece. You demonstrated the girl's perspective and placed her emotions, reactions and how she showed her deep affection for the boy. Also, I love the letter part. The plot was exquisite. It had a good flow. The plot depicted how the girl felt gloomy when the boy didn't have the chance to live anymore and how she accepted it.
Good work and keep on writing!

Peace out!

Wow, just wow. This took my breath away-the love between them was so deep. You do need editing in this piece just re read it in grammer and in spelling. But overall-- amazing!
I would like for you to check my pieces out expecially: Unknown Incidence. Thanks in advance.
Nike

This was wonderful!! I have read 'his' perspective yet, but I'm sure that if it's anything like this then it will be perfect. I don't actually have anything to fault with your writing, it flows well and it seems natural. I loved the descriptionn of the lifeless hospital too.

Was there a reason you made the word winter with a capital W? Curious!!

Hope you will keep going and turn this into something, it is really good!

Hey Lala here to review as requested.

This made me cry *sobs*. This was really sad and I loved how it captured her emotions in this piece it was very decisive. I found no mistakes what-so-ever so in conclusion it was just as brilliant and heartwarmingly thought out as the first one and it flowed well together.
Thanks for the read, keep writing and now I bid you adieu.

Like everyone else said, I think this piece is brilliant especially in how you capture the girl's emotions in the face of the imminent separation from her man and even in the face of the inevitability of death, hope(on her part) continues to prevail. I haven't read the first part though, so I will make sure I check it out too.

I also think the simplicity of the flow keeps you true to what you wrote: It's the simple things that matter. Loved it!

Hi,
I read your story from part one and just finished reading this part. I thought it was okay, couldn't stop reading! I think I saw a few mistakes in spelling near the end where you wrote, "This was how me met." I think you meant we there instead of me. Also, "He was sat on a wooden park bench; our bench." I think you meant He sat instead of He was sat. Other than those little mistakes it was a good story. Good job!

Cheers!
So finally the time to review your piece of work =) Alright, I'll go according to my usual review form.

Let's start with the mistakes!

Mistakes

1) The doctors said that there would be a chance, but I didn’t believe them and I was right in not (Alright, I do not really know if this is a mistake, but I think it should be 'I was right in doing so' as in 'right in not believing' ) doing so.

2) I don’t deserve you, you deserve so much better than an useless idiot.

3) I remember how he lay (This must be in a past form ^^ Unless I've forgotten that past tense of lay would be lay, don't think so though ) in my arms, dying.

4) This was how we (that me just bugged me a bit) met, simply.

5) He sat ( was sat really made me look at it with expression : The hell? ) on a wooden park bench; our bench.

That's all I've really noticed as I usually concentrate on the story itself ^^


Impression

While it's shorter than the 1st story, it's done its work very well. I felt like I sat nearby and listened to Symone telling me about her past and it impressed me almost like a real encounter would ( It just lacks the expressions and emotions of the face and voice to be exact ^^ ).

The adjectives and the style of writing is pretty much like in 1st story and it's really great, no objections here.
The only thing I'd mention is that you could give us some information about her feelings. I mean we get the idea by reading her "thoughts", however I was unsure what exactly to feel.

Finish
I'd gladly encourage you to keep writing =) I see a great potential in you and I won't be surprised to see a published book with your name on it if I ever come across it in my country ( Well, that's unlikely as I do not know your name xD But still, won't be surprised ).

Best wishes!
Kyousuke

This was amazing; again. I loved it and it flowed with the first part.
I didn't find any errors while reading it so, nothing really negative to say.
I'm jealous!(: Ha. The way you described her emotions almost made me want to cry with her. Your a really good writer. Never stop; I really enjoy your stories.

- Justis

Hi Lala!

So, there were a few things I liked and a few things I didn't like about the story. It's a definite improvement over your first part! The issues with tenses were gone, for one thing. I liked the present-tense, and the quiet, slow pace that makes you really think. However, there were still a few things that needed work.

First, there is little development for either character in the story. They could do without their names-they aren't really necessary, as they're just mentioned a couple of times and don't, in my opinion, fit the characters. A character doesn't have to have a name, especially in simple stores like this one. We can just know them as the narrator and her boyfriend.

On the second issue of character, I don't like that I know so little about them. They obviously like each other a lot, but what more is there to that? I'd like to know a little bit more about their personalities so I can understand why they fell in love and be a little more emotionally attached to this. To make something sad, we have to first care for your characters. I can't do that with yours because there's so little too them.

Secondly, unlike your first part, there isn't really much that happens in the story. The first couple of paragraphs are describing the boyfriend and how much she misses him, and then she's faced with the prospect that he might die. It's a good start, but I think you could expand on it a little more.

Go into a little detail about when she first arrived in the hospital, maybe describe the event where she first saw the boyfriend in a vegetative state. I would add on to the ending-instead of just facing the prospect that he might die, maybe he will die, and you can write about how your narrator copes with that afterward. Maybe another story devoted to it, even, would be good?

I hope these comments helped/made sense! Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

;; (japanese for tears) it was so sad. I or anyone else could had done better...u should write somemore...every one loves it!

Ooh, I like it!!! My Gooshneck! I couldn't stop reading it! I absolutely love it! I noticed something though... "His formally tanned skin..." shouldn't this be formerly tanned? I'm not sure. But anyway, all in all, If I wasn't reading this in a cruddy old internet cafe blasting Kesha music, I know I would've cried. oh and did I mention, I LOVE IT!

Ooh, I like it!!! My Gooshneck! I couldn't stop reading it! I absolutely love it! I noticed something though... "His formally tanned skin..." shouldn't this be formerly tanned? I'm not sure. But anyway, all in all, If I wasn't reading this in a cruddy old internet cafe blasting Kesha music, I know I would've cried. oh and did I mention, I LOVE IT!

Ooh, I like it!!! My Gooshneck! I couldn't stop reading it! I absolutely love it! I noticed something though... "His formally tanned skin..." shouldn't this be formerly tanned? I'm not sure. But anyway, all in all, If I wasn't reading this in a cruddy old internet cafe blasting Kesha music, I know I would've cried. oh and did I mention, I LOVE IT!