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Goosebumps fan-fiction: Night at Murder Mansion, part 1



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Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:11 am
Maddy says...



So my brother, being a fantatic Goosebumps fan, has asked me for his birthday a personlized Goosebumps story just for him. So I took one of his radical horror ideas and twisted it into a legible, grammically-correct novel for his pleasure. If you have read the books, or hate/love them, it would be extremely handy if you can nitpick this to the world's end.

NOTE: I had to dull down my description for it to make sense to my brother.

Now that I have that out of the way, enjoy! Here are the first 4 chapters:

1

I really didn’t want to change schools. Or move cities, for that matter. But there I was, in the backseat of our SUV, with cardboard boxes crammed into every available space. My mum, who was driving, was blabbering on about some of the buildings and monuments that were rushing past my window. I wasn’t paying much attention.

“And there you can see Black House, a very popular tourist attraction just out…”
“Are we there yet?” I asked, stopping my mum in mid-sentence.
“Uh…well, no, Max, dear,” she said, taken aback, “Another five minutes, I think, according to my map here.”
I looked in her rear-view mirror and saw she was upset with me.

I resemble my mother quite a lot. We both have thick, dark, chestnut hair, piercing blue eyes and freckles. When mum jokes around she always tells me she can imagine me with a bone in my nose, looking like a caveman. Her jokes are funny, but a little bit insulting. Cavemen are stereotypically short, and I tower over her.

“Cool,” was my answer, and I pulled out my music player from my jeans pocket. I plugged my headphones in and turned the volume up loud, drowning out the sound of my mother’s voice.

The basis upon which my life exists: I never listen to my mother.

A few minutes later my mum announced loudly, so I could hear over my music, that we had at last arrived in Bulligong.

The headphones snapped out of my ears as I hurriedly craned my neck to see what my new town looked like.

The town seemed a century old, at the least. Most of the homes were petite, with cream-coloured picket fences and blooming rainbow flower beds. The oak trees on their evergreen lawns and the rocking chairs resting on the veranda swung back and forth with the breeze. There was no games arcade, no takeaway stores, not even a set of traffic lights. I was a little disappointed.

I sulked and ducked my head back down again. I was a city kid, not a town boy. Everything here seemed so… peaceful.
Which was probably a good thing for my mother. She seriously needed somewhere she could take a break from reality for awhile, to get her mind off the divorce and grandpa’s death.

Now that I thought about it, I should’ve listened to her speech about this part of the world. I guessed it didn’t hit me till now.

The reason we were moving to the remote town was because grandpa left a house here to us in his will. It gave mum an opportunity to get a job here and leave our old city and life behind.

My hands fumbled for the black skull necklace I was wearing. It was a birthday present from grandpa a couple of years ago. I haven’t taken it off since. Not even when the bullies back at my previous school tried to snatch it from me. They stopped that, though, when I became the champion at spitting.

Yeah, you heard me right. Spit champ. We used to see how far we could expel saliva behind the teacher’s back. I kept winning, so, naturally, everyone started to like me.

“…And I enrolled you at the primary here, so you’ll help me unpack some gear today and tomorrow you can ride your bike to school with this map here,” said mum, an informative tone to her voice.

Woah. I hadn’t even realised she was speaking to me.

“Do I have to go to school already, mum?” I pleaded with her, my eyes rolling dramatically.
“Would you rather go to school or do chores?”
She had a very good point.

The car slowed to a complete stop and mum turned the engine off, yanking out the keys. I didn’t need her telling me we had arrived at our new house to know we were there at last.

2

Without direction, without purpose, I found myself walking.

I waltzed right out of my new bedroom. I passed all the boxes on the floor. Somehow, I managed to not bump against a single one.

My hand reached for the front door, and I opened it, strolling right out into the crisp, fresh night air.

I kept walking. Past my mum’s SUV, past the delivery van parked on our lawn.

The moon was a full one, and it illuminated the footpath. Where I was headed was a mystery. All I knew was that I had to keep walking.

Soon I approached a twisted, black iron fence. It enclosed something I couldn’t see.

I was compelled to this place, because I knew, as I got closer, that this was my destination.

The gate swung open at my slightest touch.

Now I entered a dense fog, of which I couldn’t make out anything. Even the gate had disappeared behind me. Where was I?

A choir of singers were now calling out my name… several of them humming it in a raspy tone. “…Max….Max…” they spoke. I was awfully confused. They sounded like the static when tuning an old radio.

I surveyed the scene. Where was everyone? All I could see for miles and miles was darkness and fog… wait, that was a lie!

A black, spooky fortress appeared as the mist cleared in front of me. It was stories high, with torrents of towers and arched windows. A howling wind swept the fallen, withered leaves from the dead trees on the lawn all the way to me. A leaf landed in my hand and I crushed it with my fingers. The dust-sized pieces were carried away by blasting air.

I was curious about this ancient castle. Why was it here? It was scary enough to send chills down my spine, but not quite horrifying enough for me to run away.

It was like a puppeteer with his marionette, and I was the unfortunate marionette. I had no control over my actions. I felt my foot crunch against the gravel path.

At once, a shrill scream pierced the choir singing. I covered my ears to block the noise.

The screaming grew louder. It was coming from the castle.

As I focused on the fortress, a spotlight of bright green light beamed from the up most, and biggest, window. I squinted my eyes. The shrieking continued to get louder until it was deafening.

Petrified, I shouted out a plea for help, but I couldn’t hear my own voice. I couldn’t move. The puppeteer had me frozen.

The front door slowly creaked open.

A green, elastic, ghostly hand darted out and grabbed my neck, strangling me...

3

“AAAAAHHH!” I screamed as I sat up, drenched in sweat.

My eyes whizzed around frantically, looking for the hand.

No hand. No shrieking. No castle.

Just my new bedroom, cluttered with cardboard boxes, and myself, lying in bed, stuffy.

It was just a nightmare, Max, I assured myself, Go back to sleep.

Easier said than done, it turned out.

It took several hours for me to sleep again. I tossed about, fruitlessly trying to empty my mind. It was just so difficult to picture anything but the disturbing, frightening images from my horrific dream.

When morning arrived and my alarm bell drilled through my brain, I hadn’t had much rest. I stifled a yawn at the breakfast table so my mum wouldn’t see I was tired. There was not much point in her fussing over me.

I finished getting ready for school, so I worked on my bike. I was checking the chains for a tangle when my mum approached me, an object hidden in her hands.

“Max! There you are! I needed to give you this.” She shoved a folded map into my chest. I grabbed it and opened it up, studying its features.

For a tiny map its size, it was complexly detailed. It displayed every footpath, house and street. It was a little challenging to find my school’s location.

“Hey, Mum? You don’t happen to have a pencil on you, do you?” I asked. I was planning to circle my school on the map so I wouldn’t have trouble finding it again.

“Hang on, dear; I’ll go fetch one for you.” She dashed back inside quickly and emerged with a marker.

“Thanks Mum,” I said gratefully. I drew a large oval around my school and a line through the roads leading to it. I showed her this, and she grinned.

“Now I won’t have to worry about you getting lost,” she joked, but I could tell by her expression she was concerned. I have quite a knack for losing my way.

Minutes later, a heavy bag on my back, I was pedalling as fast as I possibly could down the concrete footpath. I’d forgotten to brush my teeth and now I was running late. I hoped my new teacher wouldn’t mind.

Turning the street corner, I could see what appeared to be a rundown hall. At first, I was in disbelief. This was where the school was located? Then I groaned as the realisation slapped me in the face. An ancient, rusted signpost read ‘Bulligong Primary. Teaching excellence since 1879.’

What, oh what did I do to deserve ending up in a place like this?

No, I scolded myself silently, I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I made up my mind to give it a chance.

4

All I could see were the faces of angry, annoyed kids my age staring at me. It was like my presence deeply disturbed them. I suddenly felt very hot. I pretended not to notice.

The lady at the school office had showed me to my classroom. She had rapped on one of the white-washed doors.

And that was another thing. The school might have come across as ancient as my great-grandma, but its insides were jazzed up to be almost bearable.

A balding, bony man wearing tiny spectacles and a suit had answered the door. His badge read ‘Mr. Hopkins’. He told the clerk (once she explained why I was late) “I’ll take it from here.” And with one skeletal, withered hand, he had clutched my shoulder and led me into the classroom.

So here I was, feeling extremely embarrassed, as Mr. Hopkins introduced me to the class.

“This is Max Henderson, everybody, I hope you make him feel welcome.”

The cold, icy stares pretty much gave me an impression that I wasn’t going to get a warm welcome.

“So, Max, do you want to tell us a bit about yourself?”
I shook my head violently.
“Come on Max, no need, no need to be shy! We’re all friends here.”
I seriously doubted that.
“Um,” was the word that escaped my lips. I hated public speaking. I focused on the wall behind the rows of students so I could pretend they weren’t glaring at me.

“I moved here from the city,” I managed to mumble.

“That’s fantastic, Max!” beamed Mr. Hopkins. I was amazed that someone so elderly could be so energetic and positive. “Any reason why? You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.”

I felt it oddly rude for a teacher to ask such a thing. Hadn’t he heard of privacy? But I thought about it harder, and a sudden idea made up my decision to answer his stupid question.

“Uh—yeah. My grandpa, Ronald Grim, died a few weeks ago.”

It was a pretty small town, right? So there was bound to be somebody in this class that knew my pop or, at least, someone in that family might.

And to my absolute joy, a boy in the back row flashed me a thumbs up. Success!

“Wow. I’m really, really, sorry to hear that,” said Mr. Hopkins, with a comical grimace. “Err—well, you might as well take a seat. Oh look, that jolly boy over there is calling for you to sit next to him. Why don't you sit over there,” he pointed to a chair next to the boy, “and then we can get started?”

I was glad to be rid of Mr. Hopkins. He was acting, to a point, unbelievably creepy, and it made me question if it was just a façade or a figment of my vivid imagination, heightened in such an uncomfortable moment.

I made my way through the angry faces. I wasn't bothered as much as I was before about their treatment of me: It seemed the discovery of a friendly face bought fresh hope to my low confidence.

“Hi.”
“’G’day, Max,” the boy responded in a strong Australian accent, as I took the available seat beside him.
“So… what’s your name?”

“My name? Well, my name is Evil.”

.....to be continued!

Thanks in advance for your critque!
Last edited by Maddy on Sat Jul 10, 2010 2:04 pm, edited 20 times in total.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

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Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:18 am
MiaParamore says...



I would love to read it if you could provide me with a rating. Sorry, but I am way too fussy about this.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:13 am
Maddy says...



Sorry, Shubhi, but what do you mean by "rating"? Does it means telling you to rate it out of /10 or something?
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

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Mon Mar 29, 2010 3:16 am
Kaedee says...



Shubhi means the age ratings: Everyone (G), 12+ (PG), 16+ (PG-13), & 18+ (R). When you submit/edit your work, the rating choice is right underneath the place where you insert the title of your work.
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Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:31 am
Maddy says...



Okay, I rated it (E), because although it is a horror story, it is designed in goosebumps-format.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

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Tue Mar 30, 2010 3:31 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hi. Thanks for putting up the rating. here is the review:

My mother and I resembled each other quite a lot.We both have thick, dark, chestnut hair, tall, hunching figures, piercing blue eyes and freckles.


Mothers don't resemble their kids, it is a child who does. Once you are saying the she resembled which is a past tense and then i have which is present. Great confusing! If you know what I mean. this sentence is not wrong but this would make much better sense: 'I resemble my mother a lot.'

Most of the homes were petite, with cream-coloured picket fences and blooming rainbow flower beds.

Nice description!!!

The reason we were moving to the remote town is was because grandpa left a house here to us in his will.


“Would you rather school or chores?”
[/quote]
Missing a word!!!!!

It was just a nightmare, Max, I assured myself,(No need of any type of comma. All you need is a fullstop) Go back to sleep.


The lady at the school office had showed me to my classroom.


Though it was long for one read and at the same time not made up for chapters but I throughly enjoyed myself reading this. Hope you write more soon and PM me.
Last edited by MiaParamore on Thu Apr 01, 2010 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





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Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:02 am
Kaedee says...



I'm sure your brother loved this! At least I did.
Even though it is simple, I found this an entertaining read for everyone, not just for a younger audience. I don't really like the Goosebumps series, but I thought you did a great job with this! This was also very well written.

Nitpicks:

Maddy wrote: But here I was, in the backseat of our SUV, with cardboard boxes crammed and fitted into every available space.
I would take out the 'and fitted' part. It is not really needed.
Maddy wrote:A choir of singers were calling out my name… Several of them huming it in a raspy tone.
Don't capitalize 'several'. 'Huming' should be 'humming'.
Maddy wrote:It was stories high, with torrents of towers and arched windows. A howling wind swept the fallen, withered leaves from the dead trees on the lawn all the way to me. A leaf landed in my hand and I crushed it with my fingers. The dust-sized pieces were carried away by blasting air.
Nice description. This is what I'm talking about: Even though it is simple, I can totally picture this scene in my head very well!
Maddy wrote:Like a puppeteer with his marionette, I felt my foot crunch against the gravel path.
The 'like a puppeteer with his marionette' part doesn't support the other half of the sentence. You must explain what you mean.
Maddy wrote:I shouted out a plea for help, but I couldn’t hear my own voice.
Why doesn't he just run? This is awkward. Or is it because he is being 'controlled'? Explain more.
Maddy wrote:“Thanks mum,” I said gratefully.
Capitalize 'mum'.
Maddy wrote:“So… what’s your name?”
“My name? Well, my name is Evil.”
Great place and way to end!
Keep up the good work-I couldn't stop reading till I reached the end of the last chapter you posted. I'm looking forward to seeing how this ends. Hope I helped.
~KD
P.S.
*Likes*
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Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:45 pm
Mr.Knightley says...



Hi Maddy! I'm here to review as requested. Let's get started! :D

I have to say, this was loads better than I thought it would be! Already you have me hooked. The first chapter is so much like the Spiderwick Chronicles, but in your own way. :smt001 I enjoyed your descriptions of the town as well.

A choir of singers were calling out my name… several of them humming it in a raspy tone. They sounded like the static when tuning an old radio.


I think this part could use a little emotion. As it is it's kind of bland and list-like. Try explaining what Max is feeling as he surveys the area and hears those voices. You don't necessarily have to say "I was soooo scared!". You can use his bodily functions as markers for specific emotions (sweat, fast heartbeat, shortness of breath, weak knees, etc.). If you do that you'll be all set. :smt002

As I focused on the fortress, a spotlight of bright green light beamed from the upmost, biggest window.


This sentence is a little awkward. Try rephrasing "upmost, biggest window".

I squinted my eyes. The shrieking continued to get louder until it was deafening.


Again, I want you to make me feel this. Does it hurt to hear? Is it sweet and tempting? What?

The front door slowly creaked open.
A ghostly hand darted out and grabbed my neck, strangling me...


All I can see when I read this is a glowing green hand stretching across the entire lawn to grab Max's throat. Try saying it a little differently. :P

It was just a nightmare, Max, I assured myself, Go back to sleep.
Easier than it sounds, it turned out.


I think what you meant to say here was, "Easier said than done, it turned out." As it is right now, this part contradicts itself. If you had said "Easier than it sounds" and then made Max quickly fall asleep, it would make sense.

I think that's it! Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I want to read more! Great work. :)

If you have any questions or would like another review, please feel free to ask!

-Knightley

P.S. You didn't have to post this as fanfiction, you know. Technically, it's not. It would be fanfic if you did a "Harry Potter Parody" or the "Alternate Ending of Twilight". ;) This is like its own story, and doesn't use another author's characters, as far as I know. :P
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Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:53 pm
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



“Uh…well, no, Max,” She said, taken aback, “Another five minutes, I think, according to my map here.”

“Cool,” was my answer, and I pulled out my music player from my jeans pocket. I plugged my headphones in and turn the volume up load, drowning out the sound of my mother’s voice.


A few minutes later my mum announced loudly, so I could hear over my music, that we had at last arrived in Bulligong. The headphones snapped out of my ears as I hurriedly craned my neck to see what my new town looked like. I was a little disappointed.

The town seemed a century old, at the least. Most of the homes were petite, with cream-coloured picket fences and blooming rainbow flower beds. The oak trees on their evergreen lawns and the rocking chairs resting on the verdana swung back and forth from the breeze. There was no games arcade, no takeaway stores, not even a set of traffic lights.
The sentence in green will be a lot more effective if it is moved to the end of the second paragraph.

Which was probably a good thing for my mother. She seriously needed somewhere she can take a break from reality for awhile, to get her mind off the divorce and grandpa’s death.
Hm, that's new, usually the families in the Goosebumps series are merry and cheerful.

My hands fumbled for the black skull necklace I was wearing. It was a birthday present from grandpa a couple of years ago. I haven’t taken it off since. Not even when the bullies back at my previous school tried to snatch it from me. They stopped that, though, when I became the champion at spitting.
What a nice line. I'm really liking Max. :P

“Would you rather do school or chores?”
You can add the "do" or fix it however you want, but please do not keep it in it's current state as it is quite confusing.

I was curious about this ancient castle. Why was it here? It was scary enough to send chills down my spine, but not quite horrifying enough for me to run away.
I wasn't anticipating the castle detail, so naturally it seemed like a very awkward thing to be reading and suddenly have a castle thrown at me. You could describe that Max is seeing castle sooner in order to avoid that. :smt003

As my leg touched ground, a shrill scream pierced the choir singing. I covered my ears to block the noise.
I'm pretty sure his feet were already touching the ground. He obvioulsy wasn't hovering right? :wink:
Easier than it sounds, it turned out.

It took several hours for me to sleep again.
I tossed about, fruitlessly trying to empty my mind. It was just so difficult to picture anything but the disturbing, frightening images from my horrific dream.
Hehe, a very common mistake that we as writers do is contradict ourselves. First you said that it was easier to sleep than it sounded, then you describe how hard it was for Max to sleep. :lol: Just change the "Easier" to "Harder" or "It was harder than it sounded" which would change everything before the comma.

The lady at the school office had showed me to my classroom. She rapped on one of the white-washed doors.


The cold, icy stares everyone was bestowing on me made was making me feel really uncomfortable.
Since that line is in present tense you may want to keep it that way, or just go with past tense. Which would turn "bestowing" into "bestowed" leaving the res of the sentence intact.

It was a pretty small town, right? So there was bound to be somebody in this class that knew my pop or, at least, their family did or at least someone in their family might.
Or do whatever you think would suit the paragraph more. :) In it's current state however, it is hard to understand. :(

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Mr. Hopkins, with a comical grimace. “You might as well take a seat. Oh look, that jolly man over there is calling for you to sit next to him. Why don't you sit over there, and then we can get started?I put the question mark in for you. For whatever reason you forgot that you had written a question and used a period instead. As for the rest of your sentence, wow, the teacher is evil. :smt074

“My name? Well, my name is Evil.”
Like I said, evil. :smt065 By the way, did you know that evil spelled backwards is "live"?

Over all:

I really liked your story. It really brought back memories. I have always loved the Goosebumps series. In my pre-teen years I would read one of the books in one sitting, simply enjoying to read them. The suspense was nice and it was just genius how there is never any real violence in them. R.L. Stine is brilliant, able to conjure nice stories with while keeping them simple and every easy to understandable for young readers.

I believe you captured the charming light-hearted spirit of his tales rather nicely.

Keep writing.
:wink:
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Thu Apr 01, 2010 1:25 pm
MiaParamore says...



You changed the name I guess.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:25 pm
WritingWords says...



Nice job. I really felt drawn into the story as I read more. The cliffhanger was really good. Be sure to post more chapters! Maybe you should even write many Goosebump stories!
Okay, first of all, why are the paragraphs so short? It was kind of frustating to the reader to go to a new paragraph every few sentences. Try joining two mini paragraphs into one big paragraph. It would make your work look more professional and make the story more flowing for the reader.
Second, reread this.
When mum jokes around she always tells me she can imagine me with a bone in my nose, looking like a caveman. Which is funny, and a little bit insulting.
Okay, before, you said that they looked alike. now the mum is insulting her son, which is kind of like insulting herself. Would a real mother say that? And why would the mum imagine this? Because of his long nose??
Third, why did Max suddenly fumble for his necklace? Explain what the necklace makes him feel. Calmer? Safer?
Overall, it's a good beginning, but you need to revise it a little.
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Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:29 am
Rydia says...



Hey there! I used to love these books, I think they're perhaps what introduced me to the wonderful world of plot twists. For once I suppose I'm actually in a position where I wouldn't mind reading a fan-fic and well, I don't turn away requests.

Here's a few things I noticed while reading throguh first:

I really didn’t want to change schools. Or move towns, for that matter. But there I was, in the backseat of our SUV, with cardboard boxes crammed and fitted into every available space. My mum, who was driving, was blabbering on about some of the buildings and monuments that were rushing past my window. I wasn’t paying much attention.


When mum jokes around she always tells me she can imagine me with a bone in my nose, looking like a caveman. Which is funny, and a little bit insulting.
Why a caveman? What gives his mother that impression? Is it because Max has long, messy hair or because Max doesn't wash? I think it needs a tad more explanation, like: '...a little bit insulting. I think she means my hair is too long. Tough. I don't want it cut.' Also, Max is an ambiguous name, it could be male or female. At the moment I'm not sure and I'd quite like you to make that clear somewhere near the beginning. It's distracting for your reader to be wondering about the gender of your character instead of paying attention to the story.

“Cool,” was my answer, and I pulled out my music player from my jeans pocket. I plugged my headphones in and turned [Watch those tense changes.] the volume up loud, drowning out the sound of my mother’s voice.


The town seemed a century old, at the least. Most of the homes were petite, with cream-coloured picket fences and blooming rainbow flower beds. The oak trees on their evergreen lawns and the rocking chairs resting on the verdana swung back and forth from with the breeze. There was no games arcade, no takeaway stores, not even a set of traffic lights. I was a little disappointed.


I sulked and ducked my head back down again. I was a city kid, not a town boy. Everything here seemed so… peaceful.
Which was probably a good thing for my mother. She seriously needed somewhere she can could take a break from reality for awhile, to get her mind off the divorce and grandpa’s death.


The car slowed to a complete stop and mum turned the engine off, yanking out the keys. I didn’t need her telling me we had arrived at our new house to know we were there at last.


“That’s fantastic, Max!” beamed Mr. Hopkins. I was amazed that someone so elderly could be so energetic and positive. “Anything reason why? You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.”
This seems an odd question from a teacher. They're generally quite aware of a child's background if they've had troubles and if the parents choose not to disclose such information then they at least know the danger of asking such questions. It would be more likely for him to ask how Max was liking it here so far.

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Mr. Hopkins, with a comical grimace. “You might as well take a seat. Oh look, that jolly man over there is calling for you to sit next to him. Why don't you sit over there, and then we can get started?”
Even less realistic. Too casual for a teacher. If you want him to seem strangely casual then have Max think how weird it is and have him be made to feel uncomfortable instead of just going along with it. Also grinning at the news of someone's Grandpa dying? Please tell me when that would ever be acceptable behaviour?

Interesting ending. Okay so I think you've got the goosebumps feel. The moving towns, a teenage main character who feels out of place in an unfamiliar environment. It's nicely done. There's also good characterisation and some nice descriptions. Maybe just work on making it not quite so obvious that strange things are going on or perhaps just make the teacher a tad more realistic so you can have Max feel uneasy but not threatened just yet. It's a little early in the story to be giving away just how creepy this place is.

My only other comment is for chapter two. You very abruptly change from him having arrived at the house to seeing a castle. Uh... what? I think you need to describe him going inside the house and settling in a little first before moving on to a dream sequence. If you want to keep the ambiguity as to whether it's a dream at first then extend it so that he's leaving his new home and walking down the path and then stumbles on this castle etc. That will make the chapter feel as though it fits in more.

Thanks for the read then :) Feel free to pm me with any questions and if you write any more, let me know. I'll happily continue reading it,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





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Wed Apr 07, 2010 9:59 pm
Celticmusicgirl says...



wow that is all i can say about this story is wow but in a good way. this reminds me alot of R.L. Stein's books and stuff. really about the only errors i saw in this were minor things such as: "It was just a nightmare, Max, I assured myself, Go back to sleep." I think it should be more like this: It was just a nightmare Max I assured myself. Go back to sleep. another thing was: "I finished getting ready for school, so I worked on my bike." this didn't make since explain just a little bit more. then the last thing is "Realisation" should be realization. overall great story line just explain things and whatch grammar other than that good job!
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance
  





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Sun May 16, 2010 12:36 pm
Blift says...



Well, I haven't read the whole of this post, but it looks ok like R.L. Stine would have wrote. Anyway, I used to read those books and made my own Fan-Fiction of the books, but I don't read them anymore.

Anyway, yeah carry on with the story Murder Mansion, I'll print out the parts and read it at school for a more critical critique if you know what i mean
:pirate3:

Tracy Beaker!!!
  





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Thu May 20, 2010 4:09 pm
Blift says...



I noticed sometimes in the middle of a sentence, you spelt "Mum" wrong. It should always have a capital letter.

Cavemans are stereotypically short: and I tower over her.


It should be Cavemen.

I plugged my headphones in and turned the volume up loud, drowning out the sound of my mother’s voice.


The story of my life: I never listen to anyone.


How is that a "story of my life"?

We used to see how far we could expel a bogie behind the teacher’s back. I kept winning, so, naturally, everyone started to like me.


If he's a Spit Champ, Why do they expel Bogies?
And anyway, why would they do that? It's disgusting.

All I could see for miles and miles was darkness and fog…wait, that was a lie!


should be fog... wait

It was stories high, with torrents of towers and arched windows.


Torrents is something to do with water, isn't it? You couldn't say this about towers.

Oh look, that jolly man over there is calling for you to sit next to him.


Man should be Boy.

Ok, these chapters were great, and had a good ending.
:pirate3:

Tracy Beaker!!!
  








You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender