My heart in your hands.

This is a poem I wrote on the spot. I hope you guys like it!


You hold my heart in your hands,
how do I keep up with its demands?
Something calls my name as I whisper yours.
A feeling inside of me screams and roars.
The words I can't say play over in my mind,
I can't keep hiding these secrets anymore,
So listen to these words my heart shall pour.
You are like my shining light,
Lighting the way through the wildest storms.
Nobody else can make me this insane,
Nobody else has a sweeter name.
You hold my heart in your hands,
how do I keep up with its demands?
Something calls my name as I whisper yours.
A feeling inside of me screams and roars.

I think it's an interesting poem. The fact you made a hidden meaning to it makes it better. Maybe of a abusive relationship? I'm not completely sure, but that's how I see it because of the fact that the speaker is talking about someone hold something of his/hers close and keeping it a way. I think it's a really nice start, oh, and welcome to YWS! I see you are a new member. :] Keep it up!

Awesome poem! you have definitely got talent for poems.I liked the feel, rhyming and prose. Loved it.

Hey there Isha!

I have to agree with the other reviewers, I loved your poem! It was descriptive, full of emotion and it had a really nice rhythm to it. Seriously well done!
Like Quetseli said, I really liked how there was a hidden message in the poem. That message was also very effective, which made the poem even better! I loved both the start, and the ending.
One of my favourite things about your poem is the rhyming. There are so many poems around YWS that rhyme, but the rhymes are so annoyingly forced! You on the other hand, do the opposite! Your rhymes seem nice and natural!

Something calls my name as I whisper yours.
A feeling inside of me screams and roars.

The ending of a poem is important and you are clearly aware of that! Your ending was very, very good. You slip the hidden meaning of the poem in here, it's really great!

Well done!

I really love this. The feel, the message, the imagery. The meaning appears to be very important, but just what is the meaning? It could be anything. The flow is brilliant. I'm so in love with this, lol. I have a few favourite lines, but as a whole... Beautiful.

Anyway. Great poem!

~Scarlett.

Wow...thanks guys!! I'm smiling majorly right now after reading those comments!! I'm super glad you liked it so much!
My old teachers all agreed with me that if I was feeling it, my writing was better. They never forced me to write a poetry assignment because those ones never turned out well. They waiting until something sprung and let me do it on the spot, right in the middle of class!
The meaning is extremely important to me, but the person I wrote if for couldn't seem to figure it out...
Thanks so much!!
xoxoxo
-Isha

Would it be like cheating to post a couple more poems in this thread as spoilers???

Hey, can anybody figure out the meaning??? Anybody at all???

Yeeey...Isha I realy like your poem, I love the way you have a hidden meaning, but I still can't figure it out, oh I love the way you ended you poem, you have so much talent Ikafe

Thanks Ikafe!

Isha wrote:This is a poem I wrote on the spot. I hope you guys like it!

Quick hint. When you write a poem "on the spot", chances are you haven't invested much of your energy into it and are only inviting readers to waste their time on some garbage that was produced in a splitsecond of teenage angst and emotion. Let's see if this poem proves me wrong.

You hold my heart in your hands,
how do I keep up with its demands?
Something calls my name as I whisper yours.
A feeling inside of me screams and roars.
The words I can't say play over in my mind,
I can't keep hiding these secrets anymore,
So listen to these words my heart shall pour.
You are like my shining light,
Lighting the way through the wildest storms.
Nobody else can make me this insane,
Nobody else has a sweeter name.
You hold my heart in your hands,
how do I keep up with its demands?
Something calls my name as I whisper yours.
A feeling inside of me screams and roars.

I was proved right. "Hold my heart in your hands"? I've heard that too many times before.

"my heart shall pour"
"You are like my shining light"
"you hold my heart in your hands" (again)

These are bad descriptions to use, and do nothing for your poem other than make the reader even more frustrated. These kinds of phrases take up about half of the piece.

The other half is comprised of pure blubbering of feelings. Screaming, roaring, whispering, "insane", calling names, etc.

I'm not giving this a line-by-line because the problems are so systemic. You should, nevertheless, scrap this and start a new entry. Let's start with imagery; use it. You do try to make a feeble attempt by talking about hearts pouring and whatnot, but who can actually imagine a heart pouring? These things go in steps. Relate to the audience, take a chunk of material life that may symbolically resemble what you are trying to impress. A waterfall, for example (although be warned that this too can get cliched). Compare and contrast. Paint a picture.

And don't post more poems on a single thread until you take a while to reflect on how this first one can be fixed.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

I must give you props for putting it all out there. Poetry is supposed to be raw. Be personal. Unfortunately, it's not the kind of personal that other people like to read. It's the bad kind of personal - the 'was tempted to read someones diary and regretted it afterwards' kind. So maybe open this poem up to things that others can relate to. I dare you to try writing this poem to this person without saying 'you'.

I just wanted to say a few quick things after reading those last two reviews.
Yes I realize it is not the best poem in the universe, but I did write it on the spot. I did put lots of emotion into it, which is how it came out so quickly. I write what I feel.
I think that it was really when I posted the meaning of the poem that threw you off. Most don't realize it, but it does seem to make the poem worse. I took it out.
I will edit it and try to make it better, it really isn't the best... but I will always keep the old version of it.

I think that your poem is interesting, Isha. I mean, sure, its not really, really, good. But you do have some talent.
For me, I think you need to losen up with the rhyming scheme a little. Use less obvious words or change some of the lines.
All in all, nice poem though.
P.S- I am thinking that if you work on this a little, it could become a great sonnet. A sonnet is a poem with the rhyming scheme of abab cdcd efef gg. And each line has ten syllables. You could use this poem, change some of it but still have the main idea, and create a beautiful sonnet. Just an idea.

Haha, thank you I'll keep working at it!