Crying Over You

This poem is about one of my best friends. I met him last summer, and he was an awesome guy, but he liked me. This poem is dedicated to him.
-
I saw it in your bright green eyes
I saw it in your face:

Red-hot cheeks
And gazing eyes.
Maybe cupid struck your face.

When I was asked to return your love
It didn't feel quite right.
But I smiled and said "I love you"
So we could have fun at night.

It didn't end up working out.
The heart was split in two.
We went our separate ways
To only meet again
To find our love anew.

Then you didn't want to look at me
You cracked a joke or two.
The way we laughed, I couldn't see
You'd already gone with someone else.
You told me I had my chance.

And when I went home at night
Tears flew down my cheeks.
I saw you in my dreams
and listened to teary songs.

I hoped you could be mine
But I guess that won't be true.
I hope you're happy with that girl
And you have the greatest days.

Just know that that deep inside
I'll never be quite over you.
You'll be my friend
But nothing more than that.

I love you.

Hello, Roon here, at your request! I really like this, your emotion comes through very clearly, but I will start with nitpicks!

I saw it in your bright green eyes << you should add a comma here.
I saw it in your face: << when every line begins with a capital letter, you can’t really tell when one sentence/idea ends.
<<We can’t tell that you’ve broken up the stanzas. It doesn’t show up.

Red-hot cheeks << comma
And gazing eyes.
Maybe cupid struck your face. << sounds like Cupid slapped him if you say this, also you rhyme face with face…

When I was asked to return your love
It didn't feel quite right.
But I smiled and said "I love you"
So we could have fun at night. << woah, what kind of fun? Are you aware of what this could signal?

It didn't end up working out. << It ended up not working out.
The heart was split in two.
We went our separate ways
To only meet again << only to meet again, also, to keep the flow, you need more syllables here.
To find our love anew.

Then you didn't want to look at me << say something about shame or hurt.
You cracked a joke or two.
The way we laughed, I couldn't see
You'd already gone with someone else. << You’d already moved along? Doesn’t sound as high quality as the rest of your poem.
You told me I had my chance.

And when I went home at night << I think you mean that night
Tears flew down my cheeks.
I saw you in my dreams
and listened to teary songs. << what happened to the rhyme scheme?

I hoped you could be mine
But I guess that won't be true. << commas before and after I guess.
I hope you're happy with that girl
And you have the greatest days. << the greatest days? I think you can think of something better.

Just know that that deep inside
I'll never be quite over you.
You'll be my friend << I’d say something about not forgetting the time you spent together.
But nothing more than that. << I’d just say but nothing more, it would flow better.

I love you.

I like the way you leave it, with that confession, it really sends a powerful message. I think most people can identify with this problem in some way, so you have hit on a really good idea here. The reader can really feel your emotion, probably because it actually happened.

The breaks for stanzas don’t show up, so it looks cramped, is there some way of fixing that? I think at times your rhyming is a little forced, and at times you could use more emotive language, but it has an elegance about it, that many people find hard to achieve, but seems to come so naturally to you.

The way you portray your experiences is incredible, the reader really senses your emotion, and can relate well to it. One thing you must watch is having capitals at the start of each line, it can make it confusing for the reader. Also, punctuation isn’t used very much in this, so you may want to work on that a little, just to help the flow.

One last thing, you need to look at the syllables, to achieve a better flow, try to make the amount of syllables ‘fit’ if you see what I mean.

Thank you ever so much for posting, and for asking for the review, this was a real pleasure!

~ Roon

Ok, review time.

I like this a lot. I get the feeling of it, and you make it feel real. Some of the lines don't flow very well though. Besides that it's really good.

Keep Writing

_Flower_