Young Writers Society

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his chin.
“Such a foolish boy, aren’t you, Airell?” Brennan bent forward just a tad, attempting provoke Airell.
If it had been me in Airell‘s place, I’d be smacking Brennan in the face, hopefully breaking his nose in the process. Airell, however, didn’t do anything. He just stared at the ground, stared at the pools of blood supplied by his nose, stared at the humiliating reflection of a coward that mocked him. I pulled my fists up at my sides, making the surrounding Hawthorne bushes rustle. Airell’s eyes suddenly shot open, not in fear for himself, but fear for me.
Why doesn’t he just think of himself right now? I thought. If he doesn’t figure out how to get up on his feet and run, he’ll get beat… again.
Slowly, carefully, Airell rose, his chin still propped upward with dignity coming from an unknown source. My stomach flipped over. He brushed off his long-sleeve shirt, though it didn’t do any good since the majority of it had been torn by Brennan and the rest of his gang.
Boys were so stupid. They didn’t make any sense. Just because they could beat up an innocent kid didn’t make them any tougher, or stronger, or whatever the heck they considered an “honorable” trait.
Watching Airell deal with Brennan and his gang showed me the benefits of quantity and physical strength, but I’d always thought that strong people were supposed to have good moral standards as well. What counts as a strong person, anyway? Anyone but Airell, of course. What was that idiot doing? Why was he willfully enduring their studded knuckles, their chains, their disrespect, and their words time and time again? More importantly, why was I just sitting there watching?
“I’m not a fool, Brennan.” Airell said firmly, somehow managing to muster up the strength to do so.
Brennan lifted the corner of his lip, revealing a silver fang. “You’re a coward then? Too afraid to fight me?”
Airell laughed quietly to himself, amused by something not in our realm, and smiled. The laughing would’ve seemed more fitting without the clouds of soot and plum-colored bruises that covered most of his stark-white skin. He was completely covered in filth, in shame, and yet he acted as though he was the winner.
“What are you laughing at, Elly?” Brennan ran a hand through his jet-black hair and came out with his studded fist.
“I’m laughing at how stupid you are, of course.” Airell dusted off his golden hair. It shimmered like the real mineral in the sun.
I gripped my chest.
Brennan’s wry smile fell from his face.
“Wrong answer,” one of the gang members muttered.
The rest of the group hounded with dog-like cheers, expectation running through each of them. Brennan rolled up his black sleeve, revealing an intricate tattoo on his white forearm.
“It may have been the wrong answer, but it’s the true one.” Airell stared straight at Brennan with satisfaction rather than fear, only further provoking Brennan to add more to Airell’s “collection” of bruises and cuts.
That idiot! I stomped the dirt below me.
Brennan kicked Airell in the gut. He collided with the brick wall of the science building and slid onto the ground.
Brennan’s hand slithered into his side pocket, “I should’ve done this sooner, but I thought I’d be nice to you for Fawn’s sake.”
A glint of metal reflected in my eyes, and I felt my body explode into a raging inferno. The rest was all impulse, like most of my actions.
Quicker than lighting, I leapt in front of Airell, who was gripping his ribcage, struggling to breathe, suffering.
“Leave him alone.” I hissed, crouching in front of my friend like a lioness defending her cubs. Airell would chide me for it later, but at least my actions meant there would be a later.
Brennan cringed backward, almost falling over in shock. “Fawn?” His narrowed eyes grew wide. “What the heck are you doing here?” At first, fear, worry, and concern struck through him, but it quickly transformed into anger. “There’s a damn reason the guy's classes are separate from yours!” He snarled, revealing the rest of his non-silver teeth.
“Calm down, Bren.” one of his "allies" reminded him. Instantly, Brennan loosened his shoulders.
“Babe, you shouldn’t be in parts so shady, around things so filthy.” He glared behind me at Airell. “Why don’t you go to the sunshine part of this school where you can spare yourself from being around dirty situations like this.” He stepped forward, stretching his hands on the perimeter of my waist, feeling places that would make most other girls blush from excitement. Luckily, I had better judgment than most girls.
Before I could spit in his face in disgust, I felt another hand wrap around my stomach, snatching me back with it.
“Step any closer and see what happens,” Airell threatened, holding some sort of a blade below my chin.
Brennan, and everyone else for that matter, flinched, their faces unsure whether or not Airell would really scratch the razor against me. I wasn’t scared, though. In fact, I was feeling a lot better than when Brennan was groping me.
“Work with me here, Fawn,” he whispered in my ear, the blade still threatening to slice my neck.
I slammed my foot on his.
“Not like that, dammit.” He gripped me tighter.
“I wouldn’t have had to come rescue you if you were more careful,” I hissed without moving my lips.
“You don’t have the guts,” Brennan challenged him.
“You really want to risk it?” Airell raised a brow. He held the knife closer to my neck, locking me tighter to his body.
His chest felt hot, like there was some sort of sun radiating from within him.
Brennan squinted and bit the ring on his bottom lip. Within the instant, he dropped his arms to the ground, gesturing for the rest of his gang to drop theirs.
Airell didn’t drop his blade. Instead, he lifted me up with ease, carrying his "hostage" as he slid away.
“Coward.” I looked back at Brennan who stood still as he spited Airell.

Hey there Shina! June here!

So! I see somebody has gotten better at description.

Let's have a stab:

A torrent of crimson cascaded down his face with the same grace as a waterfall, only in this situation, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

• Decent description, not great description. In fact, it's too descriptive and flowery for an opening line, dearie.

• Who is he? You say "his" face when we know nothing about the character. It's better to start with an indirect title for a character such as "a tear ran down the beggars face" so that we are clued in. For now, this sounds like the sentence that belongs later on in the story, dear.

Boys were stupid. They didn’t make any sense. Just because you can beat up an innocent kid doesn’t make you tougher, or stronger, or whatever the heck they considered an “honorable” trait. Watching Airell deal with Brennan and his gang taught me a lot about the benefits of quantity and physical strength, but weren’t strong people supposed to have good moral standards? What counted as a strong person, anyway? Anything but Airell, of course. What was that idiot doing? Why did he willfully endure their studded knuckles, their chains, their disrespect, and their words?

• Too be blunt, Shinie, this paragraph is a large info dump. This doesn't actually relate to the events in the story in any direct way. It is seemingly out of place coming from this character that we know almost nothing about as it currently stands.

I can definitely see this paragraph somewhere later in the story, dear. For now, it is appearing as if it's in the way. We have to take a break to know about this person's thoughts.

Eh, not so awesome. Remember, when you write, think of agents. Beginnings are the impressions.

The laughing would’ve seemed more fitting without the clouds of soot and plum-colored bruises that at up most of his stark-white skin.

• Eh... Juniper cannot comprehend.

“Leave him alone.” I hissed, crouching in front of my friend like a lion defending her cubs.

Lioness!

“Calm down, Bren.” One of his allies reminded him. [s]Correspondingly, his mood turned into a cool one.[/s]

^_^ Not a necessary bit to have.

Airell didn’t drop the blade. Instead, he lifted me up with ease, carrying his hostage as he slid away.

“Coward.” I looked back at Brennan who stood still as he spited Airell.

Shina, I am confused! Airell has Fawn? Is he walking away with Fawn?

If he is, Fawn is too, too calm for this as is everyone else.


- - -

Shina, this was quite impressive of you.

I loved the way you executed the high tension, the atmosphere of it all and the language between the characters. Some little part of me wants to ask if this belongs in fantasy rather than here?

Aside from that, I like how these events can easily build to a climax. Nice work here, Shina. Keep it up! I'll totally be back for the next.

Best --

Juniper

Hey, angels-symphony! I really like where this story is going so far; it's quite interesting. You don't say very much about the characters- who they are, what they look like, how they think- but that's fine to say later in the story.
Okay. I'm just going to do my general 'ripping-your-writing-to-shreds' spiel here:

He just stared at the ground, stared at the pools of blood supplied by his nose, stared at the humiliating reflection of a coward that mocked him.

I might as well start here. You see that part that I underlined? Are you saying that Ariell could see his face reflected in his own blood? If so, awesome! That's some freaking intense imagery. You might just want to make that a bit clearer, though, so it stands out; for example: '... stared into the crimson at the humiliating reflection of the coward that mocked him.' I liked the way that you described blood as 'crimson' in the first sentence, by the way.

Why doesn’t he just think of himself right now, I thought, If he doesn’t figure out how to get up on his feet and run, he’ll get beat…Again.

Okay. You might want to do something to this part, like italicizing it, just to make it a bit more obvious that these are her actual thoughts. Also, you need a question mark instead of a comma after that first part. Edited up a bit, it would look something like this: Why doesn't he just think of himself? I thought. If he doesn't figure out how to get up on his feet and run, he'll get beaten... again. I switched up a few other things in that part; for example, I changed 'beat' to 'beaten,' just to make it sound a bit harsher; the 'right now' part isn't really necessary; and you don't need a capital 'A' in 'again.'

He brushed off his long-sleeve, though it didn’t do any good since the majority of it had been torn by Brennan and the rest of his gang.

You just might want to say 'long sleeve shirt' there, just to make things a bit clearer. I'm not entirely sure if the hyphen is necessary or not; you might want to ask someone else about that.

What counted as a strong person, anyway? Anything but Airell, of course.

Ariell is a person, not a thing, so use 'anyone' instead of 'anything.'

“I’m not a fool, Brennan.” Airell said firmly, resisting the urge to hold his bleeding lip.

Okay. You need a comma after the word 'Brennan,' instead of a period. Whenever you're going straight from quotations into something like he said/she said/I said, you need a comma. It would look like: "I'm not a fool, Brenna," Ariell said firmly, resisting the urge to hold his bleeding lip. You did this a few more times in your story, as well.

The laughing would’ve seemed more fitting without the clouds of soot and plum-colored bruises that at up most of his stark-white skin.

'Ate,' not 'at.'

The rest of the group hounded with dog-like cheers, expectation running through each of them.

I don't understand why you used the word 'hounded' there. You might just want to try a simple 'agreed,' instead.

Airell stared straight at Brennan with satisfaction rather than fear, only further provoking Brennan to add more to Airell’s “collection” of bruises and cuts.

You don't need the quotation around 'collection' there.

That idiot, I stomped the dirt below me.

The way you went straight from saying 'that idiot' to the rest of the sentence doesn't really make sense. You might want to change it up a bit, and make it sound angrier, too. For example: 'That idiot! I stamped the dirt below me in frustration.'

He collided with brick wall of the school-building and slid onto the ground.

You don't need the hyphen there.

Brennan’s hand slithered into his side pocket, “I should’ve done this sooner, but I thought I’d be nice to your for Fawn’s sake.”

When you're going from Brennan putting his hand in the pocket to him talking, you should have a period instead of a comma. You also did that here, and in a few more places, as well:

His narrowed eyes grew wide, “What the heck are you doing here?”

“There’s a damn reason the boy’s building is separate from yours!”

You should have used boys', which refers to multiple boys showing possessiveness towards the building.

He stepped forward, stretching his hands on the perimeter of my waist, feeling places that would make most other girls blush from excitement. Luckily, I had better judgment than most girls.

I just found this a bit... odd. Brennan is feeling her up right before he's about to stab/shoot another guy? It seemed kind of unrealistic to me.

Before I could spit in his face in disgust, I felt another hand wrap around my stomach, snatching back with it.

Did you mean 'snatching me back' here? The way you wrote it doesn't really make that much sense.

I slammed my feel on his. “Not like that, dammit.”

Did you mean something like 'I slammed my foot onto his.'?

“Coward.” I looked back at Brennan who stood still as he spited Airell.

Just add a comma there, after the word 'Brennan.' That's just to separate the sentence up a little bit.
All in all, I thought that your writing was pretty good. However, one thing that I thought it was lacking was a setting. You know that it's outside of the boys' building of the school, but where is the school? What's it look like? You didn't describe very much of the setting, and although you might be planning to add that in later, it would have been nice to have some more imagery.
Also: you don't really know why Brennan and his gang were beating Airell up in general. Even assholes like that have some sort of reasoning behind their actions. And one thing that bothers me was that you didn't really say where Fawn was in relation to the fight in the beginning, because Airell could see her, but Brennan and the others couldn't. It was a bit confusing.
Pretty cool story, angels-symphony. Keep writing!

Hi Shina!

Boys were stupid.

How true

I gripped my chest.

Brennan’s wry smile fell from his face.

This part was too choppy. I think you could combine them into one sentence using an and.

I slammed my feel on his.

Say what? :S Do you mean heel? Or foot?

“Not like that, dammit.”

This part kind of threw me off. I just wasn't too sure who was saying that. But, I eventually shrugged it off and continued. Other readers might question that further, so you might want to fix that and clarify who's speaking.

Other than that, once again, great job! You are a fantastic writer, Shina.

- Frag

Basket here to do the review!
Haha, so, this is the second time I did this... the first time my computer shut down before I could submit it. The only thing now that I could possibly do is catch something I didn't catch the first time 'round.
So. What I'm going to correct/comment on will be in bold within the quotation boxes.
Here we go.

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his face.

Repetativeness! Try to fix that.

“I’m not a fool, Brennan.” Airell said firmly, resisting the urge to hold his bleeding lip.

Okay, your MC wouldn't know this, especially since its in first person. Try to tell this (because it is something you would want to keep) through your MC, but have her able to tell the way he moves, how he's holding himself.

Brennan lifted the corner of his lip, revealing a silver fang.

I wouldn't use "lifted". I'd try saying something along the lines of:
"Brennan snarled, revealing a silver fang."

I gripped my chest.

Why?

The rest of the group hounded with dog-like cheers,

I wouldn't use that word...
I would use "whooping" or "yelling".

He collided with brick wall of the science building and slid onto the ground.

This would have been nicer to know earlier in the story, where it was taking place...

One of his "allies" reminded him.

Possible sarcasm?
If not, I'd change it to "gang members" to something of the like.

I slammed my feel on his.

"Feel" or "heel"?


Haha, and there it is.
Really, the only thing I would suggest in changing this is giving more description.
Where and when is this?

Other than that, brilliant!
-Basket-

Hey Shina! Don’t fear, it’s just Lily. ^^

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his face.

The repetition of ‘face’ here ruins the imagery and distracts from the overall grab of the opening sentence. Where is this substance actually landing? On his shirt, on his neck, in his collarbone. Once you figure that out, then you can replace that second face with more vibrant detail.

Brennan bent forward, just a tad, to provoke Airell.

This seems a bit awkward because of the comma usage and the word choice. Try: “Brennan bent forward just a tad, attempting to provoke Airell.”

Airell’s eyes suddenly shot open, not in fear for himself, but fear for me, [s]and in anger at himself.[/s]

That last bit seems to just hand off the end, taking up space. Cut it, I don’t think we need it too badly. Besides, you can still add that anger somewhere else in the story.

His chest felt hot, like there was some sort of sun radiating from within him.

I love this description so much because it makes Airell sound so heroic, even though he doesn’t appear to be much of a hero on the outside.

Characters
You have three very strong characters here. But there are always things you want to make sure you don’t do in order to keep the story from becoming flat. With Brennan, you’ll want be certain that he doesn’t become ‘just another bully’ but that he takes on a life. Flat villains lead to flat plots.
Fawn is good, she’s a strong, smart, sarcastic girl with a good head on her shoulders. The thing is, girls like that have weaknesses and emotions too, so be sure that she has a weak spot. Fergie was wrong because big girls do in fact cry.
Lastly, with Airell, make sure you don’t turn him into too much of a sad story. If people start to feel all this sympathy for the kid who gets bullied, then it becomes more of a story of pity then heroic. And I’m sure you want Airell to be a hero, in an Airell way.

Repetition
Stylistically, repetition is something that everyone has to be careful with. When you use repetitive language, the story loses its flair and starts to sound a bit like Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” without all the fun little rhymes. Use creative language.

Dialogue
The dialogue is one of the strongest features in the story because it flows well and moves the story forward, which is what dialogue is supposed to do. Congrats.

Any questions, PM me!

~lilymoore

Shina, is it? Well, that's what I'll be calling you now. Anyway, let's point out that I just eat up your writing like buttered toast. It's delightful, and I can't get enough! It's still not flawless, things never are, but I'm going to do my best to weigh the pros and cons of this beginning to your story.

Grammar Fixes

He collided with the brick wall of the science building and slid onto the ground.

You were missing an article there. Just a typo, I'm sure.

A glint of metal reflected in my eyes, and I felt my body explode into a raging inferno.

Comma!

Quicker than lighting, I leapt in front of Airell, who was gripping his ribcage, struggling to breathe, suffering.

Breath is a noun. Breathe is a verb.

I slammed my foot on his. “Not like that, damnit.”

It is "damnit," not "dammit."

Why doesn’t he just think of himself right now? I thought. If he doesn’t figure out how to get up on his feet and run, he’ll get beat… again.

As was said before, the italics make it better, and you don't need to capitalize the "a" in "again." Also make sure there's a space between "again" and the ellipses.

Style Suggestions and Comments

Boys were stupid. They didn’t make any sense. Just because you can beat up an innocent kid doesn’t make you tougher, or stronger, or whatever the heck they considered an “honorable” trait.
Watching Airell deal with Brennan and his gang taught me a lot about the benefits of quantity and physical strength, but weren’t strong people supposed to have good moral standards? What counted as a strong person, anyway? Anyone but Airell, of course. What was that idiot doing? Why did he willfully endure their studded knuckles, their chains, their disrespect, and their words? More importantly, why did I just sit there and watch?

I found some things in this passage to be good and bad. First of all, let me say that I really liked it on the whole. It introduced, what I felt to be the actual conflict of the story: determining the definition of strength. Without out, it would simply be another fight story.

I didn't like the tense of it. I think you would be better off shifting it to an active tense. The problems in front of your main character are both dire and vibrant, so if she's thinking this, it's not a contemplative reminiscence on boys, but a live feed of what she is thinking of them as they now act.

"Oh," I rolled my eyes. "My bad, you wanted me to scream like a damsel in distress?"

I understand that this adds a saucy, sarcastic flare to your character, but I did not like it. I did not feel it to be appropriate timing. She is watching her friend suffer and has thrown herself in the midst of conflict to affect his fate. She is not going to make sardonic quips, and she, most certainly, is not going to roll her eyes in disbelief--something that Brennan would clearly be able to see. It just cuts through the tension for me.

By the way, let me note that I really enjoy the name choice of Fawn. I think it highlights her tenderness, but also outlines an apparent weakness and vulnerability, which will be bitterly ironic with the contrast of her true strength.

Overall Thoughts

I'm fairly certain I've said this before, but it is so true that it deserves to be said multiple times: I genuinely love your writing. The descriptions just really paint a stark image in my mind, and your psychological and moral undertones really bleed through onto the pages. There were some grammar errors, but they were few and far in between, and the style of the writing was just great.

Congratulations on another piece well written. Keep it up. (I think I just might have to review everything of yours that I can find!)

Jester wrote:Shina, is it? Well, that's what I'll be calling you now. Anyway, let's point out that I just eat up your writing like buttered toast. It's delightful, and I can't get enough! It's still not flawless, things never are, but I'm going to do my best to weigh the pros and cons of this beginning to your story.......
I'm fairly certain I've said this before, but it is so true that it deserves to be said multiple times: I genuinely love your writing. The descriptions just really paint a stark image in my mind, and your psychological and moral undertones really bleed through onto the pages. There were some grammar errors, but they were few and far in between, and the style of the writing was just great.

Congratulations on another piece well written. Keep it up. (I think I just might have to review everything of yours that I can find!)

xD Thanks Jester. Yeah, there's a lot of flaws in my writing =_= I'll fix them as soon as I have time. I'm glad to hear that my writing illustrates something ^^ And also very happy to here that I now have a writing style. Just last October I didn't really know how to do much of anything like this. Thank you, YWS!

-Shina

Hello again! Like with the previous piece, I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this! This really is very well written and I thought you got across the emotions of each of the characters really well, good work

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his chin.

I think it might be easier to picture if you said something like 'on the floor' after 'substance' as I kind of thought of it pooling on his chin then realised I was wrong

Brennan bent forward just a tad, attempting provoke Airell.

You need 'to' here before 'provoke'.

The didn’t make any sense. Jut because they could beat up an innocent kid

'The' here I think should be 'That' and 'Jut' 'Just'.

Watching Airell deal with Brennan and his gang showed me the benefits of quantity and physical strength,

I think you could maybe phrase the idea of 'quantity' a bit better as at first I didn't understand what you meant, maybe by saying something about the intimidation of numbers or the benefits of large numbers in a group would be better.

Brennan lifted the corner of his lip, revealing a silver fang.

Instead of just saying that he 'lifted the corner of his lip' I'd maybe add something to it to show why he is doing this as it sounded a bit odd, like 'in a sneer'.

At first, fear, worry, and concern struck through him, but it quickly transformed into anger.

I'd maybe rephrase 'it quickly transformed to anger' as I think it could be written a bit better. Perhaps 'but then his emotions quickly turned to anger' or something like that

holding a some sort of blade below my chin.

You don't need 'a' after 'holding' here.

Brennan, and everyone else for that matter, flinched, their faces unsure whether or not Airell would really scratch the razor against me.

I'd maybe miss out 'their faces' before 'unsure' as it is actually themselves that is unsure, not their faces. And 'scratch' doesn't really sound very threatening so I'd maybe change it to something else like 'slash'.

“Work with me here, Fawn.” He whispered in my ear,

At first when you say 'He' it isn't clear if you are talking about Brennan or Airell so I'd maybe specify instead.

I slammed my foot on his. “Not like that, dammit.”
“I wouldn’t have had to come rescue you if you were more careful,” I hissed without moving my lips.

At first I thought this was Fawn speaking 'not like that dammit' so I'd maybe add something on the end of it to show it is Airell speaking, perhpas 'Airell cursed' or anything like that

Within the instant, he dropped his arms to the ground,

'the' works fine here but 'an instant' might be better.

I looked back at Brennan who stood still as he spited Airell.

I think you could show how he looks a bit better than just saying he stood still, for instance he could be gazing after her bitterly or kicking the ground or something about his expression to get across how frustrated he feels.

Overall: I really enjoyed this piece, I think your way of writing is really engaging and the scene comes across quite vividly to the reader throughout here I noticed a couple of typing errors that I have pointed out but other than that I could find very little that I thought could be improved!

There is quite a lot left unsaid throughout here but I think that's fine as if you are planning on continuing with it you can explain the areas of confusion quite easily. Like why they are fighting him, who they are and Airell's relationship with Fawn. I can't really see much at all that could be improved in this piece in general- all I can see that could be worked on perhaps would be the surroundings and Fawns own appearance. I think in general your description was beautifully done but perhaps to show where they are in relation to others would better involve the reader in the scene- for instance is it completely silent other than the thunks of flesh connecting with flesh or is there the faint sound of others talking in another part of the school or the rush of traffic from a nearby road. I think you could involve more of the other senses- you do pretty well in touch and sight but maybe smell and sound could be drawn into the scene a little more so that the reader actually feels like they are there.

The other point as I mentioned would be that I really don't know what Fawn looks like, I think you could maybe drop in some points about her appearance through this piece so that there is more of an image of her. I think you did really well in showing how Brennan and his gang looked and Airell, just some similar descriptions on Fawn might tie the piece together that bit better

Those points though are extremely picky and to be honest I do really like your piece as it is. I think you could experiment with extending a bit more on parts in terms of getting across the scene to the reader but in general I think your work was really brilliant All my comments are just suggestions, Hope I've helped! *star*

Here again!

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his chin.

Ah, you have potential for a hook here, darling, but "pool of substance" throws it off. For some reason, I just have issues with that phrase. Try something like "a pool of dark liquid".

If he doesn’t figure out how to get up on his feet and run, he’ll get beat.

Beat should be beaten.

He brushed off his long-sleeve

Perhaps you meant "He brushed off his long sleeves" ?

They didn’t make any sense. Just because they could beat up an innocent kid didn’t make them any tougher, or stronger, or whatever the heck they considered an “honorable” trait.

The bolded words were mispelled in your story. I took the liberty of changing "the" to they and "jut" to just. Typos are treacherous.

Watching Airell deal with Brennan and his gang showed me the benefits of quantity and physical strength, but I’d always thought that strong people were supposed to have strong moral standards.

"Benefits of quantity"? That doesn't make sense in my brain... Quantity of what? And! Add an "as well" to the end of that whole bit.

Airell laughed quietly to himself, amused by something not in our realm, and smiled.

Just wanted to let you know... I love this sentence.

. He was completely covered in filth, in shame, yet he acted as though he were the winner.

"Were" should be was, and add an "and" before yet.

His narrowed eyes grew wide,

That comma should be a period.

“Calm down, Bren.” One of his "allies" reminded him.

One should be lowercase.

“Step any closer and see what happens.” Airell threatened, holding a some sort of blade below my chin.

That period after "happens" should be a comma and you don't need the "a" before "some".

“Work with me here, Fawn.” He whispered in my ear, the blade still threatening to slice my neck.

Period after Fawn should be a comma and "he" should be lowercase.

I slammed my foot on his. “Not like that, dammit.”

I thought Fawn was the one speaking here? Indicate somehow that it was really Airell.



Oh, I liked this.
Flow of events wasn't confusing at all, and I could really see where you were going with this... That's not to say that it was predictable, just that it was easy to follow.
Your descriptions are great, but try giving us more of an indication as to how the characters look? It's kind of hard to picture them now...

I've no more to say about this. Great work.

Hey Shina! ^_^ Congrats on your purplification.

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of the substance below his chin.

Here, you've avoided using the word 'blood'. Why? I understand how you didn't want to be redundant with the word, but this sentence would flow better and make more sense if you just explained what the crimson substance was. Also, what do you mean, 'forming a pool below his chin'? The image given is a guy with a puddle of blood on the underside of his jaw, but I think you mean the pool was formed on the ground beneath his chin. If so, say it!

A stream of crimson surged down the coward's face, forming a pool of blood on the ground beneath his chin.

stared at the humiliating reflection of a coward that mocked him

When you say 'mocked him', it sounds like the guy beating him up. I'd rephrase:

stared at his own humiliating reflection. It mocked him.

“I’m not a fool, Brennan.” Airell said firmly, somehow managing to muster up the strength to do so.

Replace the first period with a comma. Dialogue rules, dearie. Check the knowledge base if you need to brush up on them-- Demeter and Snoink both have informative tutorials.

I gripped my chest.

This sounds strange, honestly. >_> As we're assuming this character is female...just rephrase. Maybe: "My hand flew to my heart" or something, though that's a tad melodramatic.

only further provoking Brennan to add more to Airell’s “collection” of bruises and cuts.

Why is "collection" in quotations? I think the effect would be more natural and grim if you took them away and left it bare in the sentence. Same thing goes for a lot of this story. You have so many words in the little "quotations" that I think don't need it for the meanign to come across strongly.

Brennan cringed backward, almost falling over in shock. “Fawn?” His narrowed eyes grew wide. “What the heck are you doing here?”

We were never told before this that this MC Fawn was in hiding. If she was, mention it somewhere before-- about how she readjusted behidn the bushes to get a better look, about how the accidentally snapped a twig, something about her struggles to remain hidden. Maybe an internal struggle as to whether she should come to Airell's rescue. But mention it somehow so it's not so abrupt.

“Work with me here, Fawn,” he whispered in my ear, the blade still threatening to slice my neck.

I slammed my foot on his.

“Not like that, dammit.” He gripped me tighter.

xD Nice.



I did like this. I'm not sure what it was for a hook, although you introduce some pontentially interesting characters and a relationship between Brennan and Fawn that I really like. You never go out and say "my boyfriend" or anything, but the implications are clear.

My main issue here is Airell. It's only the first chapter, but you already have him come over his big milestone-- standing up to Brennan. You know that normally the good guy defeats the bad guy at the end of the story. I think that, by having Airell be victorious at such an early stage in the plot, you're slightly weakening Brennan's power, which I don't think you want to do. How to fix this? I'd say have Airell lose this round, if only slightly. It wouldn't take all that much tweaking-- add Airell getting pummeled a bit more, and then Fawn scrambling out at the last minute to save him. You can keep the "hostage" part, but add more fear, more panic in Airell's threat. You tell us that he's let the gang walk all over him before, but we don't get to see much of that.



As for everything else, I'd be interested as to where this goes. ^_^ I think it could use a bit more description of their actual setting, and, like I said, her hiding spot; but other than that it was enjoyable! Good luck continuing, and PM me if you need anything else.

~Evi