Young Writers Society

Galerius,

One of the main reasons I don't care for poetry that much is because I can never understand anything. I did talk to some of my poet friends, and they told me poetry wasn't for understanding the message, but for the images you get in reading the piece of poetry. I really hope they are right, because I have no clue what I just read. I'm having an extremely hard time deciphering what you are trying to tell me here. If this poem was meant for getting images, I sure got a heck of a lot. There were some absolutely beatifull passages in here, and I would point them out, but I'm running a little behind on time.

scream out SOS, for we stare out South.

This made me stop for a moment. I don't know if this was intended, but SOS = Stare Out South. I thought that was really neat how that could work out. But then I ran into that line again, only this time, it was a little bit different and bummed me.

whisper this SOS, for we weep out the South.

I was hoping you would have the Weep out South be something like 'whisper this WOS', even though it wouldn't make sense, it would be consisant with the other line.

If you are curious, yes, I did catch many of the internal rhymes. In fact, I thought they were extremely well placed. I commend you for doing a good job.

So, I don't know what the poem is about, but I got some fantastic images, and some mystifying puzzles, so I'm all game for another one from you. Great job, Gal.

-Jared

Galerius wrote:Thick ...sighs,

So, I have to say, I do not understand the first line here. The ladled rust asphalt with sighs, specifically. As in the ladled rust (nom nom nom oxidized metal) has been turned the color of asphalt by sighs? I doubt it, but that is the only interpretation I can come up with here. Halp.

smother ...retinas -

I SENSE EYEBALL COMPONENT FIXATION. Pretty, though.

sympathetic ...words.

I... what? We've already established that comprehension != my strong point, but the transition from "how it loves your heart" to "from the desert etc." leaves me cold.

That said, 'Providence/how it loves your heart' alone was slightly gorgeous.

Glass ...South.

Because I usually see 'uncouth' used as rude, this amused me briefly. But that has nothing to do with the poem, so, moving on.

Without ...avoided

I am not digging the stream of consciousness comma-lack here. Well. That's half a lie. I liked it, and then I didn't like it, and then I liked it, and then --

Germane...entities

I am deeply suspicious of these purple entities. Do they eat people? Elaboration, please?

search ... it

I liked that. A lot. I'd not like it so much in another poem, but here among the complexity it shines.

and

Iffy on the enjambment here; it seems more pointlessly stylistic than interesting or useful. It does look pretty, though.

gas ...South.

I've decided that this parallel couplet pleases me on an intellectual level, but it isn't pretty, which is a downside.

Fired ...spur

Lidless, they spur... what, exactly? Also, I'm no geologist but molten jade seems kind of questionable.

And ...melody.

<3

Red...oblivion.

Again. Super inventive punctuation, it disagrees with my stomach.

Grass ...South.

How do you claw out a humming? The microcosmic meaning gets across reasonably, but the tangible mixed with the audible doesn't interest me as done here.

With ...lashes.

Sorry, who is it that's fussing about like this? This goes for everything, due to my personal failure to see a point, really. The obscurity here is knee-deep.

Near ...beast.

Ye fellows?

That said... I can't really even attempt to criticize this part, I was too enraptured by the internal rhyme. Thing. Well. It's not really internal? But you know what I mean.

Northern... tight.

This, on the the other hand, was disappointing, especially right after the last stanza, even with more neat rhyming. Icy night? Squeezing tears? It's so... familiar, expected, that it's unexpected -- not really in a good way -- after what came before.

Rising ...then

Google is not HELPING when I try to decode ye fellows. :'( The second half was lovely; the first was too confusing for me to appreciate. Again.

he

said

I will inconsistently declare this enjambment good. Because I can feel the way the space between words matters, I guess.

Pagans ...South!

Hey. Look. Jingoism. Another theme, which I totally missed. Yay.

(That ...side...)

Who? You?

In summary: it was mostly gorgeous and I have no idea what the hell it's about. Mostly, the nitpicking above is an excuse to SAVE THIS FOR POSTERITY even after the inevitable wildebeest rampage leaves this a cloud of yellow dust in its hoofy wake.

Well done, though. Especially for an old man like you. *pats comfortingly on geriatric shoulder*

(I like to assume perfect honesty on all parts.)

Yeah, love your work old man. Lol.

I am terribly sorry for such a useless review, but I honestly cannot find anything to change here: I cannot touch your imagery, and I really have no idea of the meaning. Which is mildly frustrating, because I normally follow the more abstract stuff okay.

I really like the whistling porches and moaning, dusty utes: my favourite stanza of the piece actually.

One thing that I didn't really like as much, is your infernal cleverness. That could either be me being intellectually right-wing, or maybe you are trying too hard. For example, I didn't like oblivious oblivion: it sounded a bit rich: like you had set up the whole stanza to end with that, just because it is 'clever.' I'm probably guilty of this as well, and I know I don't like how forced I can sound at times. I think both the imagery and the meaning would be enhanced without such reversed set-up, and if you're intellect were toned down somewhat to let your artistic side be freed. At the moment your writing borders on being a science, before an art (not a bad thing, but too much perhaps?)

This is just personal opinion though, so I wouldn't take it out. Lol.

But yeah really, I must confess I loved it. You truly are an incredible writer. I liked 'Solar Systems...' more, but all your stuff is consistently interesting to read.

Which reminds me, what brings you to delete all your past work... another point to prove perhaps?? lol

But yeah, I'd like to read more from you, you're the best I've seen on here.

Catch Gramps

Galeeerius!

Oh, boy. Your pieces are always a challenge to review 'cause they're so different! But I'll give it the ol' college try. ^_^

It sounds like you were talking about a war veteran in this poem, especially after reading the end. The fact that I thought of a soldier from beginning to end is very good. You got your point across well as usual! ^_~

I actually like the style you have here with the war/soldier theme you have. You have a bunch of short phrases, and a soldier can never take their time. It's always bam-bam-bam, one thing then the next. They keep moving, and your poem does as well. ^^ In fact, some of your phrases are just beautiful. You're so good at this type of stuff. I don't know how you do it, but it makes it hard critiquing your stuff when you have such a definite style. xD

The last verse is what stopped me suddenly. I'd say turn the tables on the poem, but I can't say exactly where the table turned. xD Perhaps the poem is speaking of an older writer? Or maybe it's still a soldier, only they're a soldier who records things in a journal or writes letters frequently? Not sure. Another thing I love is that you leave it to interpretation. ^_^

The only thing I'm iffy about is the lack of punctuation and the random one-word stanzas. The former more than the latter. But talking about lack of punctuation may contradict what I had already said? xD So I'll just talk about the one-word stanzas. I feel like they put too long of a pause between stanzas, but maybe... Ooh, maybe that's to signify like water breaks soldiers would take? Or they still get some sleep, but then they keep moving afterward? Not sure.

The whole point of this review was to reflect my thoughts. If I'm not on the right track, then you did something wrong. xD If I nailed it, you've got a gem. ^^ Sorry I can't give any advice or nitpick anything, but this poem just seems too wonderful to touch. xD

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you want a better review, you can always ask too, but I'm not sure if I can get any better. xD

Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi, Gal!

Wow. This poem is a handful and mouthful and brainful, but I like it. Because I still don't see myself as a true poet, I usually think a poem is good if I have hard time understanding it. I always think these as a little challenges, and in any case, I think there should be something in a poem that only its creator can understand. If the whole thing is kind of explained open, well, then it's somewhat pointless, don't you think?

The few things I had problems with were the parenthesisized bits, and also the ones that were between dashes. I usually frown upon too much punctuation in poetry, apart from commas, periods and occasional dashes. There shouldn't be too much, because then the reader's attention is in the punctuation and not in the images. The biggest no-nos in poetry (for me) are parenthesis and semi-colons. (Actually, I don't really like semi-colons anyway. ) So, I tend to avoid them when writing, and also to narrow my eyes at them when reading.

a ...melody

This I like. At first I thought it was a bit cliché, and then I got to know it better and don't think that anymore.

golden ...silver

The reversed clichés are so clever they're funny, but I still think they have the ability of flatting things.

Near ...beast.

Air - air = nah, shivers - quivers = yes.

Cornfield ... tight.

I don't really care for the lonely one-word stanzas, either, I'm sorry. It's just not because all of your other stanzas are longer, but because I'm so hidebound I don't get what's the difference between "he said" and

"he

said".




Anyway, I know this probably isn't the most helpful review I've given, but your poetry is such an expressive thing, even though you seem to have an affair with not-so-daily-used words. But it's what makes your style yours, so I'm not suggesting to get rid of it by any means. Not that I think you'd do so if I told you to.

Have a nice day!


Demeter
xxx

Hey Galerius, here as requested. ^^ I see you already have some reviews on this, but I'll just throw in my two cents here as well.

Alright, so. I think the unanimous conclusion here is that you really have some amazing and beautiful imagery floating around here- I've got to say, I enjoyed so many of the pictures you painted. Really. You may think that people are being unhelpful by offering nothing but praise, but take that, accept it, and go with it-- see what works and what doesn't, and learn from it.

One thing I'm going to caution you about it losing the poem's essence amidst all of this formatting. I must admit that, in moderation, the dashes and the parentheses and the one-word stanzas can be effective and can look nice and impressive and what-not, but used excessively and I'm afraid the reader might spend more time trying to figure out the format and presentation of the poem than contemplating the meaning and emotions behind the words themselves. While the punctuation and line breaks in this particular poem worked well, I just caution you against going overboard with them.

Oh. Except here.

he

said

Putting these two words apart like this does nothing, just like everyone's been saying. It does not make your poem seem more profound. It does not help the rhythm, it does not build dramatic effect, it is not appealing to the reader's eye. I think you would reach the effect you were aiming for if you left those two words together on their own line.

*

I like this poem, mainly for the fact that it made me think. However! There were a couple of lines that made me think a bit too much, and eventually just confused me and detracted from the over-all atmosphere of the poem. You can only throw in so many eloquent and sophisticated words until you have to accept the fact that your readers aren't going to understand all of them.

Without willows and yews, said prospector toothy
my laughter voided my blooded heart avoided

Without...avoided

I think quotations would help here, honestly. All of this, 'said the prospector toothy' stuff makes little enough sense that its pleasant ambiguity turns to simple confusion. Again, there's this line you need to be aware of; it's okay to come really close to it, and it's even fine to cross it-- I just think you need to avoid completely leaving that line in the dust and ignoring the little things that will help your readers enjoy your poem a little bit more.

*

I loved the SOS mentions, especially how the corresponed with the next descriptions. Also a great way to utilize someone's advice (Jared's, I believe?) and make it something wonderful.

*

With ...lashes.

To me, this stanza gives off the impression that you're trying really hard to be profound and mysterious in your images and word choice. I think you've crammed too many images here all at once-- yes, they're beautiful images, but they need their own space. Hit us with the imagery and then let it sink in before you hit us again...and again, and again. I think that there's something you can work on throughout the poem, too. More of a connected feel to the metaphors and descriptions. I agree with Jabs that the short and slightly choppy rhythm was efective in resembling battle, but I think if you just connected osme of these ideas a bit more (and drew them out, explored them) you could have something even more enjoyable.

So. ^^ I hope this had helped, Gal, and PM me if you want me to take a look at anything else of yours!

~Evi

It occurs to me that I didn't think to save the revised version as well.

*facepalm*

Next time.

Helpful, please don't reply to posts that the author has removed just to bump up your post/review count.

You can PM Galerius about this instead, rather than posting on the forums.