Poem for a Fallen Soldier

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I think this is a very sad subject on which you are refering to. There too many fallen soldiers, too many lives lost. It's very thoughtful to be paying the men and women lost tribute through your writing.

Here are my critiques:

When your physical shell has fallen?

This pharsing seems a bit awkward and confusing. When you say "physical shell" are you refering to the soldier's body or body armor? If in rewriting, you could possibly find a way to distinguish thay, it might be helpful. I like this line, but I think if you tweak it a little, it could be even more clear. Which would make it even MORE amazing. :]

Do you wander through the battle

searching for your friends

whos' lives have not come to an end....

These lines come together to form a question. I suggest adding a question mark after "end" and deleting the "....."

Are you sad? Mad? Or just at rest? Do you weep?

For your partner, your children and the rest of your family?

Consider taking out the question mark after "weep" because it seems that the line below it further asks the question at hand.

So young....

I suggest mabye trying to replacing the "...." with a comma.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Personally, I usually dislike the use of the ". . . . ." unless used in dialogue. I think that in some places in your poem, the use fits and is justified. But at other times, it seems out of place. If you feel like the suggestions I gave about punctuation don't fit your likes, I understand. Everyone has different styles. I think though that it would help to look over punctuation.

Overall, I liked this poem. I thought the subject matter was very touching. My main complaint is that it's too short! :] I really liked it and think that the message you are trying to send would be so much more profound if you were to add some more lines to it.

PM me with any questions. I'm always willing to help!

-dd9

Hey there Kamas girl! I'm June

I love these type of poems that honor the fallen! There's something about them that just appeals to me, even if they are horribly written. Maybe it's the fact that someone actually cares? I'm not sure-- either way, these types of poems win my appreciation immediately.

Although this is unrhymed (some parts do rhyme, others have rhythm; other times it's gone completely!) and it's not following any strict way of structure, this really flows nicely when read aloud.

I want to point out one thing, though! Since this poem is for a fallen soldier, do you think that you should have it in the past tense, saying You saluted to your commander? And so on? Because if you're commanding a fallen soldier to do that it sounds a bit weird? Fallen soldiers usually imply that the soldier is dead or too sick to fight.

Also! You use an ellipsis. I am so picky about the usage of it in poetry, haha. It's not a bad thing to use it-- it's just not commonly appreciated, so! I like it when people don't use it. However! If you're using it, let me point out that an ellipsis is three dots (...) No more, no less.

Daydreamzy has touched on any flaws that may have danced in here, but I won't. This is too sweet a poem to do so, it wouldn't be fair.

I really like this; it's written in a very nice tone-- implying that you, the author, have somehow witnessed the pain that comes with a soldier falling.

Brilliant job; this has to be one of my favorite poems .

I look forward to seeing more of your work!

Gold star!

June

Aww man! You made me all depressed! But still, nice poem. It is so sad. *sob* but nice so I like it. You should make a big book of poems. I find this one particularly GOOD. The only part that is confusing is: When your physical shell has fallen?. I don't really understand it. I know it probably has some sort of metaphorical meaning, but still. Anyways.

G o o d w o r k!
- K a t e m a b o b.

That was so emotional. You're very talented at getting what you want out in a short amount of time. You picked a good emotional subject. I think it would make it even better if you added a little more. Your poetry is so refreshing in a depressing way.

I think it was very good. Thank you for writing such a nice little piece of work.

Another old poem that I loved...
This one I feel could be so great if I got the critiques to make it better...
(getting my hint here?)
haha
I love this poem and the topic is important to me though No one in my
family is in the military. Though it is a special poem to me, help me make it the
best that it can even if it means harsh reviews.
Or you could just state your opinion! This is open to whatever comments!!
K A M A S

Please don't bump old threads just to ask for more critiques - it unfairly adds to your review count and makes you look desperate . If you'd like people to review, there are plenty of places on the Will Review for Food thread in the Lounge where you can ask and receive a quality critique - just follow the link in my signature.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hi bubbles
Im not looking for reviews I just want people see my work
and tell me whether or not they like it. I love to have an
insight on opinions of my work. People can go for a full blown critique
but Im just curious of what people think. A curious poet, thats what I am!

I didn't mean any harm but thats my opinion on things

K A M A S

kamasgirl95 wrote:Saluted your commander.
Learnt never to surrender.
Never doubting that hope would always/ever reign....This evens up the length of this stanza with the next; pretty important considering that they rhyme and that the first two lines have about the same syllable count.

But what happens then[s]?[/s]
When your shell has fallen?
You are left with nothing but [s]your[/s] pain.

Do you wander through the [s]battlefield?[/s]
searching for your friends[s],[/s]
whose lives did not end?

Are you sad?
Are you mad? I really, really don't like mad. It's so blah. Angry would be better, in my opinion. Also, giving this its own line lends it more emphasis.
Do not weep: (or -- )
Be at rest, my friend, in a blissful sleep.

Forever you are honoured my friend, Awkwardly phrased.
Forever in our hearts, You already used forever. Try combining and rearranging this line with the previous one.
For you are among the loyal, the strong, the faithful, the fallen... What happened to the rhyme? And the rhythm and line length? The sudden change in both

And that's it? It just ends? It doesn't feel complete.

Overall, it is a good start. It fell apart at the end, though.

If you're going to use a rhyme scheme, stick with it throughout the entire poem, please. Also, if your lines follow a pattern of length, also try and keep to that. Syllable count per line as well as the meter are important when it comes to rhythm. All of these elements affect the overall flow of the poem.

Kamas, darling, I love you for writing this poem. Honestly, I hate to crit poems with such a sweet message. But, I'm gonna go to crazy shredding mode with you (after all, I'm an instructor...it's our job! )...Right after I tell you that it was awesome. And I loved it. And it made me say "awww"...something that happens extremely rarely. And for that you get a shiny gold star.
Now! Crazy shred time!
Rhythm - ANNOYS me!! ^^ Sorry, but it totally deserved the caps. Now, one good way to fix rhythm is to read your poem out loud. You'll notice that the last line are too short in the first and third stanza; they are too long in the rest. The major annoyance I had with rhythm was in the fourth stanza; it's kinda hard to explain my actual problem with this, so just read it out loud, you'll see what I mean. Like, I liked how some parts rhymed and others didn't in the other stanza. But, when you read this stanza aloud, the rhyming throws it off. However, it isn't the rhymes that are the problem. Yes, I know that made no sense, whatsoever. I'll try and explain. I don't like this stanza read aloud because the rhyming doesn't fit. But, the cause of the problem is the "my friend" in the third line. Delete it and insert into the second line. This fixes the rhythm and in turn fixes rhyme. I honestly like the way some things rhymed and others didn't. Add an extra syllable to most of the lines if you wish; however, it isn't a major flaw.
Imagery - I know this is about a fallen soldier, and it is kinda sad and all. However, exxagerate the emotion even more. In fact, overexxagerating information works out really well in poetry. Usually. XD I think it will work here though. [/rant] 'Kay basically, I wanna feel the soldier's pain. I want you to bring tears to my eyes as he searches for the soldiers. I want to tear up when we "salute" him. THe way to do this? Imagery. Describe his pain and help me feel it. When he looks for his friends across the field, are his feet feeling like lead? Does he have a heavy heart, because he knows on the inside that he won't find them? Does his head bow down? DOes he feel like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders? Describe, describe, describe. When we salute him, is there a large picture of him on the wall. Is there a flag draped around him? Emphasize the patriotic spirit. Is the picture framed red, white, and blue? (Or whatever color your flag is...xD) Emphasize how he dies for freedom. How he protects us all. Maybe even how he acts as our guardian angel. How he takes care of us from heaven. How he is always looking after us, no matter what. How dead or alive, he is always a true [s]American[/s] country-an...xD on the inside. Ya?
Overall - I'm done with the crazy crits. I loved this. A lot. One shiny gold star for you, m'dear...Oh, and thanks for requesting on my thread...Sorry for the extremely slow review; but, I hope it helped!

fluteluvr77<3

This is a very tender subject that you are referring too and it showed in your writing. It showed emotion and depth. It was beautiful yet heart wrenching at the same time. Great Job. This deserves a gold star.

From what I can tell, in a critical stand point, there are a lot of started rymnes and such but they arent completed and it's as if you couldnt find the right words to fit these areas. Even still I found this piece emotional and sweet in that sense.

I myself like this poem for the simplicity in the words and the way it all comes together sort of worked in my mind even if the patterns werent exactly in place correctly. Basically speaking, I did enjoy this piece.

And as you can tell, I am terribly bad at critiquing poetry. In fact, blatantly speaking, I suck. This is about as much as I can do.. but I can review any other sorts of work you need me to. Just this is not my area of expertise..

Either way, good job

~The.Dreamwalker

Hey Kamas! (Sorry this has taken me so long. )

Anyway, here we go.

Saluted your commander.
Learnt to never surrender.
Hope would reign....
I really like this first stanza but I don't think the first two lines should be their own sentences, I think it would be better if there was a comma after commander and learnt then wouldn't be capitalized. Either way they're sentence fragments (which is fine) but that would be a slightly longer and less obvious sentence fragment.

But what happens [s]then[/s]? I dislike the then here. Then implies after something, and, well, after what? Nothing has happened in the poem yet, you've only just set up the scene. So I'd get rid of it and then add something because you need the syllable; maybe when from the next line (just move it up so it's but what happens when/your shell has fallen?)
When your shell has fallen?
You are left with nothing but your pain.
I'd replace the pain with something more...real. You see, pain is a very abstract word; it could be pretty much any kind of pain, including emotional, which is obviously not the case (or is it?) whereas blood, wounds, scratch etc clearly suggest physical pain (which I think you mean here, right?).

Do you wander through the battle field?
searching for your friends,
whos' lives did not end
Some technicalities here: whos' should actually be whose and there needs to punctuation after end, and the s in searching should be capitalized, as it's a new sentence.

Are you sad? Are you mad?
Do not weep,
Be at rest, my friend, in a blissful sleep.
I found the rhyme here and in the previous stanza a bit odd as it hasn't rhymed before and I also think there aren't enough syllables in the second line, since the third one is so long.

Forever you are honoured my friend,
Forever in our hearts,
For you are among the loyal, the strong, the faithful, the fallen...
Normally I dislike ellipses (the ...) but I think it works here. Nicely done.

Ripped to shreds as you requested. I do love the premise here, and it's well-written, but I think some editing is in order. Good luck!
-Mars

Hello!
I thought that I would add my two cents worth. I liked this poem. Is it written from a personal experience?

But what happens then?
When your shell has fallen?
You are left with nothing but your pain.

I just wanted to stay that was my favorite stanze by all means. well done, kudos.

Be at rest, my friend, in a blissful sleep.

In the stanbze before you also use friend and I think this makes it not flow as best. maybe try a new word.

Over all:
An amazing poem you have done for the soldiers. My father is a retired veteren of the united states army. This poem sits at home with me. The subject is so raw and deep. I will congradualte you on giving this topic a stab.

The poem itself seems like you're trying to make it rythm a little too forcibly. I can tell that you forced it to rythm with the choosen words which makes the flow of the poem a little rough.

Good job. Thanks for requesting a review

-Tiffany