Young Writers Society

[removed]

Hey anti-pop =]

I really enjoyed reading this.

I think it flowed well and was easy to read.

I couldn't find many nit-piks at all;

They all said and wanted the same things, so as long as she didn’t forget what those were there was no need to bother with any more meaningless and mindless jabber. - This sentence was a bit hard to read so I would suggest putting a comma after 'were'

At first I didn't really understand what the story was about, but after reading the end it all made sense and I re-read it from the start and started to see the real meanings in the words.

Not even her eyes had been good enough; gray wasn’t beautiful. - This confused me at first as you had said that her eyes were 'bright blue' in the previous sentence. but it's because she has to wear contacts, right? Blue ones to cover her gray eyes - making her more perfect?

As the story wore on, I began to feel more sorry for Caeley. Being famous wasn't all that she thought it would be.

Overall, I liked this piece and I think you did a great job on writing it!

xDudettex

Hey anti-pop.

First off, I want to say that this is a very wonderful and unique idea, at least on the site. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that it could be compared to on YWS.

However, I want to point out a few things that bothered me:

1. There are a lot of adjectives in the story, some of which probably could be removed. Take for instance:

Sighing, she pushed herself out of an uncomfortable chair.

Here for instance, the word “uncomfortable” is almost a hindrance. It slows down the flow of the sentence and I witnessed this several other times throughout the story.

2. There was one particular pair of sentences that bothered me.

Letting go completely, Cali grabbed a cigarette from her back pocket. Using a lighter she had in her front pocket, she lit up…

This just sounds very clumsy. Perhaps try something like: “Letting go completely, Cali grabbed a cigarette from her back pocket and lit up using the lighter in her front.”

3. I found quite a few places throughout the story where things would become rather confusing. It definitely took a lot of focus to read. Still, this is nothing a good read-through on your part wouldn’t fix.

Still, I have to make mention of the parts that I liked.

1.

They called out to a false idol. A false name.

I actually really liked this line and it’s the reason that I read the story. It seemed rather…appealing and mysterious at the same time.

2. The news report section was very well written and it gives the outsiders view of what could have happened to Cali.

3. Also, I love the way you added suspense near the ending. For a moment, I really thought she was going to jump. Then it’s like, wait a second, she’s isn’t about to jump. No, she’s choosing to live which I think is very cool.

But, yeah, it’s a wonderful idea; it just requires a second read through to pick out awkward wording problems and such. Anyway, congratulations.

Hi there anti-pop. I only have half an hour to review this, so if I don't finish now, I'll come back later, alright? I promise!

She knew that voice – didn’t she? Or hadn’t that voice changed in the last few days?

Em dash should be a comma and hadn't should be had.

Their lies had become her, and not even she could decipher the truth any longer.

Methinks any longer should simply be anymore, dear.

She clawed viciously at the air with in an almost animalistic-manner.

You don't need that hyphen between animalistic and manner.

Used only for the purpose of supplying the ones – who had corrupted their fragile minds in the first place – with what every selfish human wants; what Cali had once wanted.

The em dashes seem out of place, but there should be one in place of the semicolon.


But alas! I have to go now. I'll finish reviewing this later, 'kay? If I forget, just bug me.

^^ Here as requested, Pop! Let's take a look, shall we?

I'm going to have to go into nit-pick mode, because I think overall this was rather well written.

--with knives and plastic they came to scrape away her normality and carve into her flesh sickening lovely features.

I think this might flow better if you switch it around like so:

--with knives and plastic they came to scrape away her normality, to carve sickeningly lovely features into her flesh.

She couldn’t breathe. There was no room to breathe – no room to gasp for air. The dry September air suddenly felt hot

Having two of the same word placed so closely together disrupts your flow and makes the reader stumble as they try to read these two sentences. Try changing one to 'oxygen', maybe, or just rephrasing it so that the word is only used once.

...those are my only nitpicks. O.o Poppity, what have you done?!

I loved this with all of my being, actually. ^^ You had the perfect amount of suspense-- did she really do it? She did kill herself? It was a smart movie to put the section with the News Report before the actual scene; however, I have a suggestion about the New Report scene.

I was thinking, while reading it, that it seemed rather detatched in third person. The part about "Nothing more" is good, but I thought it might be interesting to have someone actually watching and reacting to the Report. That obsessive former-fan, maybe? The one with the painfully fake highlights, with the animalistic hands, trying to touch her idol? Maybe you could show her sitting at her coffee table, her eyes dead as she watches the television screen. Or. her agent, maybe. clenching his coffee cup as he tries to work out the interview questions. Maybe her stunt double in the movie she was supposed to film. The possibilites are endless, but it wouldn't be necessary to add this. I just think it might give a unique outside perspective to the story, just for that one scene.

There's really nothing else I have to say. I thought this was incredibly well-written, and it was a lovely little tragic idea for a short story; something I wouldn't want to read a whole novel on, but something that just several scenes can do justice. ^^ I wish I could give you more advice, but I though this was excecuted wonderfully, and I'll leave it at that!



~Evi

Hello!

Good introduction. The use of words such as "alien" really added the aspect of mystery and the unforseen, in your story. I like what you did for the following subsection when you said:

And yet, she wore her cross with all of the pride she could muster. Cali walked across that stage as if she actually had a reason to continue moving. Screams rose as the crowd whirled violently in a storm of hysteria.

All for the liar.

The ending is a bit strong, but it's good. The clever use of spacing out the dialogue worked well in this attempt as it adds drama, and emotion to your story. Overall really quite interesting, and intriguing.

Best Regards,
-Elitehusky

I have always wanted to use this line when I'm about to shred a piece: *hooks claws in and begins to drag*

They had come armed with chemicals, dyes, knives, and discrimination.

The instruments of torture in her own personal hell.

It took me a long time to pinpoint what I found off about this piece. And I believe it is the skimpiness of this idea. I find you don't go into the "personal hell" enough at the beginning of this so readers fully understand and empathize with the MC and her turn-around.

Mention a scar or two under her make-up or hidden by her clothes. If her cup-size is bigger then it had been (chemicals makes me think of silicone).

And the discrimination bit has all sorts of juicy stuff in it. How only one "mold" for super-stars is acceptable. How only one thing is good enough.

Or hadn’t that voice changed in the last few days?

"Or hadn't" doesn't really flow here. I'd make "Or had." Alternatively, you could drop the "or" and leave "hadn't" as is.

so as long as she didn’t forget what those were there was no need to bother with any more meaningless and mindless jabber.

I find the two "as"s a bit hard to read here. I'd delete the first one.

Taking one last glance of the highly-materialistic room,

I think "of" should be "at." ^_^

She wasn’t much younger than Cali

This could be me and my sometimes strange thoughts about pronouns, but I think the fan should be named and "Cali" should be replaced with a pronoun. The reason I say that is, when I see the proper name of the MC in third person, it distances me from the MC's head.

Just like the rest of them; she was another expendable clone.

I think a comma or period would be better then a semicolon.

Used only for the purpose of supplying the ones – who had corrupted their fragile minds in the first place – with what every selfish human wants; what Cali had once wanted.

Hmm, I'm wondering if this work would be better if you would identify what Cali and They want. If you were to identify it, you might be able to add another lair into the theme of falseness and how society is often driven by the pop-culture. On the other hand, if you leave it open like you have now, it means people come up with their own idea and there is a certain level of interaction between the audience and the work itself.

Up to you what direction you take, though.

She knew she wouldn’t have been half as happy as she could’ve been had she not taken that ‘golden opportunity’

I find this line unclear. You seem to have two ideas: her being happy and her taking that "golden opportunity." Cut them up and expand on each, please. ^_^

Her talent tempted her parents, and she was ridiculed by those too independent to fall for her charade with the title of ‘sell-out’.

Again, I find these two ideas could be split and expanded. Not so much the concept of her being ridiculed, but her parents and home life. That would make us empathize with her more: Knowing what her life had been before.

With that all-revered sin known as money,

I don't know how much I like the whole "money is sin" thing. That could be your belief, but a lot of good comes from money as well as bad. Perhaps make it so she was bribed with money to change instead. That seems to be what you're saying, in a more round-about way.

For now, anyways.

Expand this for even more empathy. (I know I keep going into the whole empathy thing, but for this piece to be as powerful as it can be it needs more empathy with the MC)

it was all too loud to constitute as noise.

I have a hard time understanding this line. I believe you're trying to say that the sounds were so loud it was simply noise, but I'm not sure. Clear that up please. ^_^

no room to gasp for air. The dry September air

"Air" is a touch repetitive here.

So she stopped to inhale all that was left of her innocence in that moment.

The mention of innocence here is a bit off, since we do not know what her innocence is. Reason I keep asking for more empathy towards the MC. Then we would find out what her innocence was.

Other then those two lines, I loved that paragraph. It was very well written.

The blonde girl from before was wearing a new mask. This one wasn’t fake.

Hmm, the very mention of masks implies that it is fake. I would replace "mask" with "expression" so that these lines don't contradict themselves. ^_^

not to mention the evidence presented five feet in front of her and one foot above.

I have a hard time understanding this description. I'd throw in a mention of a stage to make things clearer.

It was then she gave up.

Gave up what?

Cali grabbed a cigarette from her back pocket. Using a lighter she had in her front pocket,

It's a bit hard to fully get that these things were in her pockets since they were never mentioned before. Had Cali turned to them when she'd realized it was all fake? Had she been hiding some vices from her past? Tell us where she got them, please.

Nothing more.

Haunting.

she felt a familiar sense of comfort. Now she was surrounded by them. Her sisters – her home.

I think that if we had gotten more mention of her home before, this line would have even more punch. Because it's a very nice line at the moment.

he cascade of pills tumbling through the winding air reminded her of that night. That was her real moment to shine. That was when she really changed.

She began to walk back down the road.

Mention her throwing the bottle away, please. ^_^

the people who helped her start over

We don't really have a clear image of who helped her start over. Was it somebody whom she knew before? The screaming fans? The people who had called her a sell-out? All of the above? If you were to tell us, I think there would be more gratitude for both the readers and Caeley.

She had been up there once.

Yay! Not only is this a happy ending, but it's such an amazing end-line!

Very sorry Pop, but it's now 9:30 and I should go to bed. I shall finish my critique tomorrow!

I'm ba-ack!

Time to cover the overall stuff.

Empathy: Yes, yes, yes, I'm going on about this again, but I had a hard time connecting with this work at the beginning. If only because there wasn't enough emphasis on the hell she's going through, or her thoughts about it, to have me connect with this character. At the end, when we get more of a scope of her background, the beginning makes more sense. But if you'd put more hints about her past at the beginning, I feel like this would be more powerful and slightly better. (Because the only reason I went into so much detail was I had a hard time finding stuff that I found off)

Theme: You have lived up to your name anti-pop! I like the viewpoint here, with the MC going from one state of mind to another. The fan's bits were nice too. They were written in such a way that it was partly the MC's voice and partly the fan's voice. If you made the beginning more "hell-ish," though, I think you'd be able to convey the theme even better. ^_^

I also loved the ending, in how she chose life and freedom over death. How she promised to tell the world how she really was. It left us on a cliff-hanger without having us beg for more. This story is really a good length.

Overall: I liked the theme, the topic and the choices. This work is really multi-layered and well executed. The only big thing I had was empathy, but that should be a pretty easy fix.

Please don't take this down. It's really good and just needs a touch more polishing. ^_^

Questions? Drop me a line.

~Rosey

Blast! Beaten to it again by Rosey! *shakes fist angrily*

Anyway, this was a pretty cool story. The news report sounded very realistic! Since a lot of little convention things have already been pointed out, I won't burden you with more of that.

The beginning struck me as a bit a bit too dramatic. Things like that need to be woven subtly into the work or I can't help but get a little mumbly over it. Not much else to say, except that I liked it...for such a short story, there was a lot said.

That was written really well! I have nothing bad to say at all. That news report was very authentic! The story was very easy to read. When I read other peoples work it was obvious that they weren't professionals but yours was put together like a pro.

Brit

**sigh** Why, Poppity, why??! Just when I thought I could shred almost any piece of work, here you come to prove me wrong!!! So...I shall try my best to tear this apart. And, probably fail miserably! Aanywayz, thanks for the request, darling!

Descriptions - So, I shall bug you for even more of this...Not that you need it...But, if you want to improve on it even more, here are some suggestions.

A voice called for her to get ready.

This bothers me. You never tell us what exactly about the voice makes it sound so fake. Does it have a rather plastic-y quality to it? Does it show absolutely no emotion? Or is it one of those perpetually happy bubbly voices that just get on people's nerves? What about the voice makes it so painfully changed and fake?

They had warped her into a twisted vision of perfection – with knives and plastic they came to scrape away her normality and carve into her flesh sickening lovely features.

Again, what exactly does she look like? Add a little to make her seem "sickeningly lovely". Does she have perfect blonde hair, huge bright blue eyes, and bright red lips perpetually turned up into a smile? 'Cause that's what sickeningly lovely is in my head...But, I dunno if everyone sees it the same way. I'm actually doing this review with one of my best friends and I know her POV is totally different (Long raven hair, bright green eyes, and really tall). If you want to leave it up to interpretation...I guess you could...But, personally I'd like some description.

This doesn't have much to do with description, but this quote bothers me. They scraped away her normality? I feel like that's all that's left of her, not what's taken away. In her perfect character, all they leave is their...well, normality! She's deprived of all her quirks in my world. Something as insignificant of her real name is taken away from her. That tells me that her personality - her character (the abnormal part) - is taken away. So, I would change or maybe even delete this quote.

And yet, she wore her cross with all of the pride she could muster.

^_^ This is probably me being an idiot, but I don't get this line. At all. What cross? For some reason, I think of religion and Christianity when I think of crosses. But, huh? She was talking about family and then crosses? So, yeah, that bothers me...But, it might just be me...XD I'm dumb like that!

Flow/Emotion - XD I can't talk about one without talking about the other here...So, this shall be combined! Mostly good...But, the news report bothers me. A lot. There's absolutely no emotion in it. I'm kept excited and it's extremely fast-paced. We're at the climax and then! We get an apathetic news report...? Y'know what I mean? I do like the idea of having a fan-girl talk about it from her POV. But, I prefer the idea of having a news report. So, what I would do to keep up the pace is add a little excitement to the report. Maybe have a fangirl scream and yell. Maybe have one of them intend to committ suicide at the river so that she shall be with her idol at last. Add a little noise and excitement. Or, better yet, make the fangirl post 'missing' banners and pictures all over the bridge or something. This would make a good setting, because then we can see the problems Cali's disappearance causes. Then, we could add a little time to Cali's disappearance. I don't like it as yesterday, make it a little longer. Hence, we can add more worry and fear. Nobody freaks out that much in one day...y'know what I mean?

Overall - I have nothing else to say. Poppity!!! You say that this isn't one of your best works?! I'm so jealous of your writing skill right now, you know that?! Anywayz, gold star as usual...Like you weren't expecting that... Oh, and thanks for posting on my thread...Sorry for the slowness of this review...But, your works are too good to review! They take me so much longer than other requests, y'know?!

PM me if you have any questions! ^_^

fluteluvr77<3

Woo! Thanks for all of the amazing reviews, guys! I really appreciate them. ^__^

Also, I love all of your suggestions! Really, I'd love to come up with a rewrite for this, but alas, free time isn't easy for me to come by. XD

Regardless, I think an updated version of the introduction will be added soon. (And perhaps -possibly- the news report scene.)

Quick note: last part was supposed to be a few months later... *grins sheepishly*
Probably should've cleared that up too.

Anti-pop! Hi! I am so sorry it took me this long to finish my review. But school got the better of me, y'know? So I'm back now, ready to review.

There was nothing to suggest otherwise; not to mention the evidence presented five feet in front of her and one foot above.

This is worded a bit awkwardly. Instead of not to mention, maybe try besides?

Wow, is that really all the nitpicks I could find? Alrighty then. Onto the conceptual stuff.

The theme was really powerful. People don't typically think about celebrities feeling "fake" or "plastic", but they must. I like how you captured everything the character was feeling and turned it into this roller-coaster effect.
However, you did a lot more telling than showing. Sure, you're character's depressed. But that means nothing to readers if we can't feel it. Show her popping a pill. Let sighs rip from her throat. Paint us a picture of her emotion. Don't tell us.
As for the ending, I liked it. It was a little abrupt, switching from the news report to Caeley standing by the bridge. So work on that. But I did like the images there. Nice job.
The flow, as mentioned, was abrupt, but the pace was fine (does that make sense?). It was exactly the perfect length, but some of the transitions between scenes were like, "Huh? How'd we get here?"

So... That's it! Overall, nice job. (And yes, I do realize my review cannot possibly compete with Rosey's or Evi's or Flute's, but hopefully I helped. )