Young Writers Society

Waking up on lazy Sunday mornings
I would hear you, my brother, and my sister
whispering in the other room,
trying not to wake me.
Maybe it had been an extra laugh,
just loud enough
to shake away the sleep.

I would get up, making the cold journey
from under the blankets
to the kitchen where you would be
sitting with a cup of coffee, all smiles.
I would dive into your arms, giving you a
fresh-from-under-the-blanket-warm hug.
On the stove would be
Muffins or pancakes or breads.
The smells would swirl,
swirl together almost tangibly with your coffee,
surrounding us in that little space.
I would take it all in, never wanting to forget a thing.

But sometimes I wouldn’t get up and
walk out to get the food and hugs and smells
and smiles. Smiles that said “Good morning.”
Sometimes I would wait in bed
and listen for your hushed whispers.
The ones I knew were so careful
and spontaneous at the same time.
When something was funny,
the voices would rise,
then quickly hushed with a reminder
that I still hadn’t risen.

Sometimes there was a pause, when
no matter how much I strained my ears,
I couldn’t hear your voice.
Those were the times I thought
“Maybe I’ll get up. Maybe I’ll get out of bed now.”
But then your voice would be back.
It could have been an innocent sip of coffee.
And so, I would lay back down,
Waiting for the perfect time
to finally make my entrance.

It was good. i only found a few errors.

The smells would swirl,

swirl together

you repeat swirl here and it sounds weird.

But sometimes I wouldn’t get up and
walk out to get the food and hugs and smells
and smiles. Smiles that said “Good morning.”

Everywhere else i think that you broke up the sentences well, but here you end a sentence in the middle of the line. It seems a little odd; maybe you should move the rest of the last sentence to the line above the line that it is currently on. Does that make sense?

Also i liked what the poem was based on and i did the same thing when i was younger. You might want to consider adding more about what you were feeling, because most of what you have now is just describing what is happening.

Great job, keep writing!-poemperson

I loved this poem. It was sounded sad to me. There was depth and emotion in your piece that you captured beautifully. There were no major errors that I found. Keep Writing. You are very talented! *Gold Star Again, wonderful!

Awesome. Very good. I liked this poem a lot. I did find this though;

I would take it all in, never wanting to forget a thing.

There's nothing really wrong with this, I would just consider separating it into two lines where the comma is. Anyway, I loved it

Wonderful. Really wonderful. It was the first piece of non-depressing poetry I've seen on this site in awhile, and I was very glad to find it. I haven't any nitpicks at all. It was clear and precise, and I liked the mixture of emotion and senses. I could just smell the coffee!

"I would dive into your arms, giving you a
fresh-from-under-the-blanket-warm hug."

My favorite part. Lovely. Keep up the great work!

*Gold Star*

Hi KailaMarie!

Here's your review, as requested

I liked the imagery in this poem – your writing is very evocative. There were a few things I thought could be improved on, though.

Firstly, in the first verse, the segue between ‘trying not to wake me’ and ‘maybe it had been an extra laugh’ is a bit choppy. I’m not sure whether this is because the “it” doesn’t seem to be referring to anything, so that it feels like a non sequitur, or whether it’s the “had been” that’s throwing me off, but you might want to work on that transition.

I don’t like the repetition of “swirl” in the second stanza, but I do like the image of a “fresh-from-under-the-blanket-warm” hug. My only concern there would be that it does seem to throw off the rhythm a bit. Is there any way you could shorten it, so it doesn’t have to be so rushed? It doesn’t quite fit with the mood you’re trying to create.

In the third stanza, I don’t think you need the line “smiles that said ‘Good morning’” in there – you’ve changed ideas, you don’t want to be harking back to the first verse, it makes things awkward and doesn’t add to the narrative at all. Could “so careful/and spontaneous at the same time” be changed to “so carefully spontaneous” or something similar? You need to be economical with your words here – at this point, I’m getting the feeling that the poem is starting to drag, as you’re not introducing any new ideas, just going back over the old ones.

I’m not entirely fond of the final stanza, personally. I guess I just don’t see the point of it. There isn’t a sense of completeness, or of anything coming to a close. Perhaps you could try messing with it a bit, changing the sentence structures or adding a few metaphors/similes and the like to give it a bit more spice. Too much telling here and not enough showing, I think.

Overall it was a good poem, but it could use a bit of work.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Kaila, this was amazing. I absolutely love it. The imagery you used was perfect for what you were saying, and the story is beautiful. Is this really a memory form when you were younger? If not, you have an excellent imagination. The way you presented it and the language you used was beautiful. I have no nitpicks for this one. Great job! Gold Star!