Young Writers Society

In the land of Internet, the Viruses were once again preparing for battle. Years had gone by since the war began, and generations had come and gone, but there was no chance that the war would end soon.

Alpha knew this, but he also knew the dangers of war. With millions dead on both side, the public were never told how many had died anymore. No one knew what was really going on.

“Okay, men, you better move it! A-group, go straight to Introductions. B-group, go to Book Reviews. C-group, go to Science Fiction. D-group, go to Contests. E-group, go to Fantasy…”

Along with the rest of D-group, Alpha quickly covered ground as he rushed across the field and leaped in the danger zone.

Immediately, the Viruses could see the Spysweepers in the air scanning the area. As one passed by, Alpha ducked behind the word, Invasion. Safe again, he jumped to Moo, than Crazy, than Highly.

He could finally see his target, the center of the Forum, the start of all his problems. As another Spysweeper flew overhead, Alpha swiftly grew closer to his goal. A long line of keyholes could be seen – the perfect size for a Virus to fit in.

The surrounding area was the most protected, and the least populated. Running to Claw, he almost perished in the light beams of the Spysweepers. Turning around as he heard a scream, he saw his comrade, Kappa, dragged off to the end of the site, forever lost in its masses if not dead.

Sorrowful for his lost friend, he never noticed the prowling figure creep up to him until he landed on top of Alpha, right as a Spysweeper passed nearby. Looking up, Alpha noticed Chi.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcomed. Now stop daydreaming and come on.”

Once again gliding from word to word, Alpha could see the target get closer and closer. In, Make, Random, Unusual, Fearless, CLOSED – the soldiers closest began to rejoice. If they could reach it, they would survive.

Note, Contest, Week, Plagiarism – the only object keeping Alpha away from the target were the Spysweepers grouped closely together to keep the last Viruses from their goal. Hoping for luck, Alpha lunged across the field toward the empty keyholes. He saw himself go a quarter across the field, one-half, three fourths, touching the keyhole, half way in the keyhole, three fourths into the keyhole…

All of a sudden, Alpha felt a tug – it was a Spysweeper. Giving up on his victory, Alpha died in the grasp of a Spysweeper. Joyfully taking the dead Virus back to where it belonged, the Spysweeper left for the edge of the site.

Thats great, really. Taking such a simple(or not really I guess) day to day struggle and turning it in to a entertaining story. Reminds me of when I was little/in school my teacher had the evil chalkboard that assignments were always written on. So one day for revenge I wrote my assigned fiction piece on a war between the chalk and the erasers.

Hey =]

I agree with EmmVeePi that this was an entertaining and original story. I've certainly never read a story from the point of view of a virus before.

It was very imaginative of you in the first place to come up with the concept.

I know this isn't much of a review, but I just though that I'd tell you that I liked it. I couldn't really spot any mistakes either.

Great job!

xDudettex

And then Linus went through the battle field, completely unaffected.

Just kidding.

I like the surrealism of the story, though I think it could use some beefing up. Currently I thing the narration style is bland.

Sorry it has taken me awhile to get to this review. Here is my format for reviews, I tend to get the nitpicky stuff out of the way first and then give a general summary on Characters and Settings. Finally I will give you my overall opinion on the whole piece. SO yeah...here we go.

Alpha knew this, but he also knew the dangers of war. With millions dead on both side, the public were never told how many had died anymore. No one knew what was really going on.

Is there a way that you could show this? Could you talk about the mangled corpses of viruses and anti-viruses littering the World Wide Web? I just would like a little more imagery and feeling in this paragraph. You're talking of war, which is pretty emotional stuff and I feel nothing here.

“Okay, men, you better move it! A-group, go straight to Introductions. B-group, go to Book Reviews. C-group, go to Science Fiction. D-group, go to Contests. E-group, go to Fantasy…”

I love how you are having the viruses attacking YWS. So creative and original.

Along with the rest of D-group, Alpha quickly covered ground as he rushed across the field and leaped in the danger zone.

I would love for you to give a more vivid description of what this battlefield looks like. I kind of imagine it like a white void where everyone's voices echo. Also I think leaped should be leapt but I could be wrong.

As another Spysweeper flew overhead, Alpha swiftly grew closer to his goal.

I think grew should be drew, it sounds better.

Turning around as he heard a scream, he saw his comrade, Kappa, dragged off to the end of the site, forever lost in its masses[s] if not dead[/s].

Let's just assume Kappa is dead. That's what I figured would happen if he were dragged off like that.

Sorrowing for his lost friend, he never noticed the prowling figure creep up to him until he landed on top of Alpha, right as a Spysweeper passed nearby. Looking up, Alpha noticed Chi.


“Thank you.”


“You’re welcomed. Now stop daydreaming and come on.”

This whole part, I'm not really sure what the purpose of it is. I mean, does it help your plot? Does it really affect your character in a life-changing way? Does it add anything to the story other than words? I'd say the answer is NO, so with that in mind, I would get rid of it.

Characters: What does a Spysweeper look like? I kind of imagined it like a red robotic laser, but as the author I'd really like for you to tell me what it looks like. Don't be afraid to take some time and describe things. Whenever you're describing try to use all five senses. What does the Internet smell like? What does the Viruses look like? What does battle between a Virus and a Spysweeper sound like? (This applies to the setting and characters).

Setting: I think you could definitely use more description about the setting and the characters. If you have trouble with this, just try and imagine yourself there. What do you think it would look like? What would it sound like? How would you feel? These elements are very important because this is what will draw your audience in and then your awesome plot can take over from there.

Overall: I liked how brief it was, it did make it easier to critique, but don't be afraid to add more descriptions. (Make sure you don't overdo it). I really like the plot idea, very creative and I'm curious to see if you do more with this piece. I mean I was getting excited just thinking about the unlimited stories you could write if you turned a computer, the internet, and all those inner workings into animate objects. Very cool. I really enjoyed it. PM me if you decide to do more with this. I'd love to read it.

One review as promised

Okay so here it goes.

With millions dead on both side, the public were never told how many had died anymore.

Well, doesnt this sort of answer itself? Millions are dead on both sides.. Yah.

Sorrowing for his lost friend,

Is sorrowing even politically correct? Well either way, a nice word choice for that might be sorrowful. Sorrowing sounds sort of silly.

the soldiers closest began to be full of joy.

This sentence sounds a little strange. Try rewording it such as "The soldiers closest begain to rejoice."

the only object keeping Alpha away from the target were the Spysweepers, grouped so closely together, everyone was being carried away at that point.

This bit jumps from past to present tense quickly and sort of confuses the reader. I can sort of get what your trying to put across, but it still sounds silly and I had to stop and reread it. Really, reread your work and then do it again out loud. That way you'll find those silly little mistakes that seem to go by the radar so easily.

it was a Spysweeper. Giving up on his victory, Alpha died in the grasp of a Spysweeper, joyfully taking the dead Virus back to where it belonged

I jumps from it sort of being from Alpha's POV to the spysweepers POV without really showing the reader so they quickly lose themselves and have to read it over. Try adding in 'who' before joyfully.

Overall

This was really cute and I liked the concept of it. The storyline was interesting, and the lamguage you used was simple but effective. The idea in itself was fairly original and something quite extraordinary. I also liked the fact that this whole thing was taking place in YWS, or at least a site like it. It gave it a 'close to home' feel.

Things you might want to work on though are your paragrpah stucture, comma placments, and rereading your work. Just fix up how some of the sentences lay out and maybe expand your vocabulary a bit, and I'm sure in no time at all you'll be writing wonders

Other then that, good job.

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Hiyas! I'm Saphire!

This was really good! It has a unique concept and very interesting. Since I couldn't find any errors that others spotted, I'll just do a quick overview of the different parts.

Characters: I really loved the characters, but I feel as if we could know more. Perhaps if you throw in what they look like, a strength or weakness, etc., then the overall feel of the characters could be enhanced.

Description: Two thumbs up! I was really impressed with how you described the battle scene. Perhaps the description of the characters would add a bit to this and make it better than the awesome story it already is!

Plot: Unique and intertaining. This is good, because in today's world most of the awesome ideas have already been taken. This is something I probably wouldn't have thought of, which is the reason it grabbed my attention and kept me hooked.

Overall: Amazing work, Eliza! This has to be one of my favorite stories so far, so I give you a golden star. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Smiles!

@;~ Saph

Thank everyone! Each of your critiques have helped.